I have been married to her for 15 years with 2 daughters, 12 and 15. I travel a lot. My wife has been sneaking around for a few weeks that I'm aware of. I finally caught her in this lie. She was out with another man. I'm devastated. I have been reading constantly since then, trying to figure out what to do. She indicated that she has felt this way before, about 10 years earlier. She says that she stuck it out this long, but I did not give her the affection she needed, the passion was totally gone, and she was now in love with the perfect guy. She does not want to miss out on this opportunity, fearing that she will just be wasting more of her time trying to make our relationship work. I am lost at this point. I have tried to reason with her that she not only is destroying me, but that she needs to think about the tremendous hurt the kids will have to endure. She has the attitude now that she put up with these feelings for so long now, that now it is her turn, and nothing else matters. I asked her to read your articles on infidelity, and listen to a few of your online radio shows, but this only made her angry. She says that her decision has already been made to leave me, and it angers her that all I'm doing is trying to alter her decision. How can I show her that I can be that man that she loved again if she refuses to let me in? Do I let her go, keeping kids with me, or do I leave?<BR>Please help me!<BR>

The quickest way to get her attention is to file for divorce. Also tell her to leave the house(plan B). Believe me, you are in shock. You are now trying to keep the universe from collapsing around you but you do not realize that is has. I have been married 11 years and 5 months ago discovered that my wife had 3 affairs, all with church members and a pastor. <P>When the smoke clears and she returns you will begin to feel anger, hate, depression, low self-esteem and all the other emotions that the betrayed feel. Then you will begin to ask yourself if you should even stay with her at all. This has not taken place because you are to busy trying to win her back. Believe me, she has not found the perfect man. Anyone who commits adultery is not the perfect spouse. He/she is the perfect liar and self-centered person around. I'm sure that by now she said that he was her soulmate.<P>If she had these feelings for so long, why didn't she tell you about them? Sounds like my wife trying to blame me for her actions. My wife was diagnosed bipolar and is really trying to make it up to me. I don;t want to brake the family unit for the kids sake. I don't know if We'll make it but the fact that she is trying helps me stay. If she werent trying then it would be time for tough love.<P>Don't feel guilty for protecting your children from the person that is creating the greater harm. Keep reading, see a personal psychologist who specializes in this(if christian see a professional christian counselor)<P>The road ahead is difficult but not impossible. Visit this other post group. Its one of the best:<BR> <A HREF="http://members3.boardhost.com/affair/" TARGET=_blank>http://members3.boardhost.com/affair/</A>

If her mind is made up why is she still there? <BR>either there is some hope or she is using home for safety till she can leave. This should help you decide plan A or B.<BR>Good luck

Welcome <B>1mochief</B>...<P>There is a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P><B>About your post</B>...<P>The idea of starting on "Plan B" right away...<BR>...is not necessarily a good idea!<BR>Only in situations of near or actual abuse (physical) should this be your first step.<P>Do start on a <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>...<BR>Check out my post <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000176.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.)</A>.<P>It will take some work...<BR>...but the people on these forums are here to lend their support!<P>You are not alone.<P> <P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000254.html" TARGET=_blank>Jim</A> / <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000037.html" TARGET=_blank>NSR</A>

This sounds similar to what happened to me. I found out a little over a week ago. I know that my wife planned to move out and I think her OM knew too. She didn't move out for what ever reason yet the the A happened. I know I'm getting a second look only because of the way I responded to her A which was with understanding and not really blowing up. I believe it was part my fault for the neglect that made her look for what was missing. She also has told me that she has heavy feelings for the OM yet she too still stays which further leads me to believe I still have some type of chance at saving this. I want to save this so I try to avoid a Plan B. I have had several conversations with her and brought some of the material home and read it to her. I also looked at getting a divorce and have the papers in my bag if this is the route I want to go. I haven't showed these to her yet because I think I'm making some progress even if it is slow. When I'm backed against the wall then I may have to use them.<P>As for trying to win her back, I started this because I think she is unapproachable any other way at this time and I wanted her to know that I really did care about her.<P>I might be going the wrong direction but I'm trying not to loose everything with her. Funny how you feel even after something like this happens to you.

Well I got my wife to see a counselor with me Friday. She expressed her strong feelings for this guy and doesn’t feel that she can ever feel this way toward me. The counselor tried to get her to understand that the feeling that her and this new guy are having now will also subside and they will also have problems. We had a good family weekend together, I am trying not to put any pressure on her, but right now I am in a forgiving mode and I don’t know if I will feel that way if I even think she has spent time with this guy. She doesn’t believe at this point that she should stop all contact with him. At some point I feel I will have to make a choice between saving myself with my dignity and saving my family. I don’t trust her away from my sight right now. What kind of an existence is that for me? I feel that I am doing the right thing by trying to save the family unit, but I know at some point.

You seem to be at the exact same spot that I am with my wife right down to the feelings that your wife has for the OM and the way she feels about you. I am definately on the emotional rollercoaster ride from hell. One minute I think things are going good and the next she doesn't want to forget him either. I surely wish there was a simpler way to get through to her. Until she makes that the decision there is no real choice for me to save the marriage if I need to make a choice. Don't get me wrong I want things to work out but if she can not see this or takes too long (how long I don't know) then the only choice I have left is to break this off. We too had a good weekend and we spent some time last night with the kids.