Thanks FMWB,

I'll be okay. What I really need to do is have some time alone where I can just let it all come crashing in so I can have a really good cry instead of little bit at at time. I regain some control, and again crash, regain control, crash. I need to just crash and let it out.

I'm am so tired right now from last night. H, the kids and I went to see his dad at the American Legion post where his dad is a member. H is acting like we are this happy couple, talking with the post commander about us going to Vegas as a group in August.

H paid for tickets for a fundraiser dinner they are having. They have a scholarship program for Nursing Students, and this dinner helps to pay for the scholarships.

H volunteered us to serve breakfast this Sunday for a food shelf fundraiser.

Maybe H does love me. I don't know. It seems like he has this double life going on. He has this life where a wife and family is what he wants in the picture and then there is this life with his friends, where I'm guessing she is in the picture. His friends knew he was cheating on me the first time. One of his friends actually got mad when he found out that we got married. (what a peach,(insert extreme sarcasm))

Dear Sue,

I just got my courage together to come back to MB. I have been too depressed for many months to even read here...

The first thing I did was to check on you. I am so sorry to hear that in the past months not much has changed for the better for you...

To check call logs, EZ pass bills and emails-I did that too, but then I realized how low can a relationship sink.

Your husband treats you with disrespect. He is hiding things from you. This whole secretive lifestyle...Plan B sounds like a great option for you. Maybe that would bring him to his senses, too- maybe not. Whatever will happen, I think you need a change. You sound very sad and burnt out in some of your posts.

Hang in there, finish school, come to NYC (they are looking for people like you here in my place like CRAZY. Benefits, scholarship for the kids).

I just dusted off the car after all the snow we had this winter. Summertime will come and -guess what- they are still working on the construction here (...!!!).

Big hug from an "old" friend

Hi Liza,

I am getting burnt out. I know it. I keep trying to push it aside because it is what I need to do to stay focused. I know once I graduate, lets hope I make it through the ceremony, I will crash. It will be what I need. I have been acknowledging my feelings in bits and pieces, and shoving them aside. They keep trying to nudge themselves to the surface. I don't have time for that. I have to do 8 hours of community service (no I did not do anything wrong, part of school.). I'm doing it at a pro-life clinic near my house. I have 80 hours of preceptorship, a presentation to write and present, and about 6 more case studys and journals on my preceptorship.

Daughter has dance weekly and a recital coming up. Boys have soccer (plus side, my sister will not help him with babysitting) so he has a conflict between ball and soccer. He better make the right choice. Lately I have been sleeping about 5 hours a night. (I know, not good). I just signed up for a Kaplan course. I want to pass boards so I'm hoping it will help. The instructors recommend it.

I will have to keep NYC in mind. Who knows what will happen. H is talking about selling our house, first he wants to move to CA, now he wants to move 40 min north of where we live now. last fall there was a house for sale that was on 2 acres and it was valued at less than hour house, this house was in better condition. It would have been a great buy. The area is developing, so eventually, it would have built up in equity quickly. The time was wrong. Beside, right now, my feeling on selling our home with our M in its current state, well. Lets just say, bad idea. Here is some potential situations that could happen with our M in its current state. "Honey, it is late, and I dont' want to make the drive, so I'm going to stay in town tonight. I'll stay at my mom's." (yeah right,he will be at his moms). Here is another one - I've been drinking too much, and I should not risk it. (how about, lets not drink and drive, so avoid the drink if you know you are driving.)

I will get better. Today, I am really in a decent mood. Somewhat cynical, but decent. At least my eyes don't need cold packs like they have been.

Started new thread. This one is becoming a chapter book.

New book title

I no longer suspect I am 99.999999% sure