New Member – The Pain is Tremendous

jimtex1962@yahoo.com

Male 40
WS - she is 40
Together 20 years
D-Day was September 1, 2002
Numerous affairs with different men, all within the past year
All were emotional & physical
Total number of affairs unknown
Plan A
Living together
OM#1 - Married (former HS / college BF)
OM#2 – Single (divorced) - Met while with her best friend
OM#3 – Single (divorced) – Know each other from somewhere
No talk of divorce with WS
We have children.
We are each sterile by choice.
WS in therapy for past three months (was unknown to me). Me – headed there.
Being tested for STD’s now.
No drugs/ alcohol/ dependency issues.
Total surprise, not a clue, great sex life, WS unfulfilled need is unknown.

The facts listed above pretty much say it all. She told me what was happening as soon as she knew that I knew. Less than 24 hours passed between me learning and her telling me. I delayed immediate confrontation in order to decide what I wanted to do and how best to handle the situation.

The pain is so severe. I physically hurt. I have been crying for four days. I slept last night for the first time in three days. The images and element of broken trust have been my alarm clock. It’s awful and would not wish it on anyone including OM#1’s spouse.

I made the decision to save my marriage to the best of my ability. To do what ever was necessary. I love my wife. Our children deserve a mother and father in a loving relationship. We have a unique opportunity to build something stronger than before. I became committed to the suggestions in Plan A. Thank goodness I was able to collect my thoughts and have a plan before she knew that I knew.

I did my best to stick to Plan A in our initial meeting. I’ve been trying to hold onto those guideposts. There have been some outbursts on my part and I did make two demands known to her. Actually, the demands were promises to myself. Promise #1 – we will not have sexual relations until all contact with the OM is stopped. Promise #2 - we will not have sexual relations until the presence or absence of STD’s is known.

I also asked her to terminate all contact with the OM forever. I knew she did not love them but that they gave her a high to which she is addicted. I did not want to establish a deadline for the terminations but made it clear that we cannot be husband and wife if she maintains contact. She agreed that the physical contact with the OM would stop immediately but she had difficulty in accepting no contact by any means. She was concerned for there feelings.

Their feelings? I woke her up at 3 am to revisit that comment. That’s when I had my first outburst. Hell, I was awake. What about my feelings? Anger filled my mind. I ranted for a few minutes then stopped. I apologized for the outburst and reiterated my intention to save our marriage.

I’m trying not to smother her with questions. Marathon talks are too much to absorb but I want the lines of communication open. I want her to feel like she can tell me anything. I do want to know specifics but I know that will only heighten my anger and delay the healing process for me. I want to get better. She says she wants to get better. She says she loves me. Maybe I’m a fool…but I believe her.

During the past few days she has contacted the OMs one by one. She dispensed with OM#2 and OM#3 fairly quickly. I did apply slight pressure to break off all contact. I just kept saying that we cannot be husband and wife until there is absolutely no contact. I was most worried about OM#1. She loved him before we met. She had a history with him. It is my opinion that he made the first transgression easy for her, which made the others even easier. None of the OM reside in the same town. OM#2 lives in our home town.

I promised myself to allow her two weeks to dispense with OM#1. I was prepared to go to Plan B. I kept telling myself that she’s got to do this on her own or it’s worth nothing. She did it just before I began this letter. The funny thing was that she now remembers why she left him prior to our meeting for the first time. She saw the ugliness that repulsed her from him so many years ago. I’m sure that she is scared to death just as I am.

I’m angry with my wife, the OM, and my wife’s friends that covered for her. I want them to hurt also. Honestly, I’m glad that the OM were worried to learn that I know where they live and who they are. OM#1 is scared to death his wife is going to be told. He needs to tell her himself. I know I should not do anything to reduce our odds of saving our marriage. I am committed to saving our marriage and just keep reminding myself of that.

I do not trust my wife at this time. Again, the pain is intense. But I also am experiencing a very high level of excitement and that is what perplexes me. I know that if we make it through this we will have something incredible. I feel up to the challenge. I’ve not been focused like this in a long time. Yes, I’m hurt but I want my wife more than ever. I want to be with her so very badly. I want her to get better. I feel like I’m on a high. I can’t wait to see the therapist and begin this new journey. She wants to be with me too. Is this normal?

The pain is intense. We BSs on this forum can attest to it.

The high you speak of is adrenaline fueled- fight or flight response. You are reacting to a threat to your well being. It's primal. This adrenaline can keep you going through Plan A- the problem is you can crash later.

Anti depressants can be useful to level out your emotions. Consider them if you feel yourself sliding into depression. There's no shame- this event is a huge trauma for you.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>
Numerous affairs with different men, all within the past year
All were emotional & physical
Total number of affairs unknown
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sounds like your wife MAY have a sexual addiction problem and she needs help in overcoming it, otherwise she'll do it again with other men in the future.

Like espoir said the pain is intense and anti-depressants are a big help to many. So consult with your family practicioner to prescribe you some.

This board is made up for the most part of BS's and a small group of WS's. While we BS's(and former BS's) can help empathize with you, the former WS's can give you insight into the mind of your WW and be a source of inspiration with their stories of recovery.

Hang tight because they will come to your aid in this time of crisis. They are friends in the truest sense of the word.

Thank you both for your concern and encouragement.

Espoir, yes the adrenaline has been flowing but I can feel it tapering off already. I'm beginning to feel my physical self. There is no doubt that depression may follow. I will do my best to monitor that situation. I'm going to rely on what the therapist suggests. I'm sticking to my guns with respect to Plan A. It's worked so far.

TooMuchCoffeeMan, WS's therapist has been investigating the possibility of addiction. Two different therapists do not believe that is the case at this time. However, I'm not taking anything off the table at this juncture.

I am beginning to see a couple of the demons I'm going to have to deal with: (1) Looking at my wife I sometimes see her with the OM flesh to flesh...that's when the pain spikes, (2) Thoughts that I was such a fool not to see what was going on, (3) I should not hold hurtfull feelings towards her friends that covered or the OM. Does anyone have any suggestions for dealing with these thoughts? What can I expect to feel next?

The lines of communication are wide open.

Thanks again.

I see myself in your words.
My WH DOES have a sexual additcion.
I just discoverd a 6 month PA on Wednesday. ( I knew about an EA and 1 PA before we tied the knot but living together)I have NEVER in my life felt so much physical pain, and I have had 3 children. I went to the Doctor yesterday, I thought I would die. I am on an anti-depressent now and handling things more clearly and correctly (I hope) We have a therapist session scheduled and dont know what now, but he is finally being honest, like your wife...
Now you can really choose based on TRUTH instead of perception. I wish the very best to you, and they keep telling me time helps...

Jim, I know this doesn't help, but you look me about 1 month ago. My wife has almost the same symptoms. Question: Is there a history of abuse in her life/family? My WW has a long history of being a victim of sexual abuse, starting at the age of 4. As you can imagine, it only got worse (she was raped 2X by the time she was 16). Although I haven't gotten her there yet, I have been trying to get her to see a therapist. You are right, the adrenaline does flow. And yes, I too believe we can make something better. But many of us here can tell you it will be very hard. I've been doing Plan A for a month and it has been very hard. I'm sure it will only get harder before it gets better. But keep reading, asking questions, and posting. There are some great people with some equally great advice at this forum. I won't put any in, expect what I just said because I'm new here too. Just wanted to say you're not alone and wish you luck. Pray for us both. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Truth_Seeker, me and WS accomplished much this past weekend. It will take exposure of the truth for trust to return. I told her that what we build from this point forward must be based on the truth... the whole truth , or it is all for naught up to this point. At that point she revealed what I believe to be the last of the lies, I hope. I can only image what it's been like for her living with these lies. She is really opening up her secret world to me. It's helping.

Madly_Truly_Deeply, thank you for your prayers and compassion. I've been thinking about you this past weekend (along with everyone one else lending support). I do not believe WS is a victim of sexual abuse (but I'm not ruling it out just yet). I think much of this has to do with her relationship with her mother and father. And that's way too complicated for me at this point.

Again, thanks to both of you! I Love You!

Hi jimtex1,

Welcome to MB. I'm sorry that you are hurting so much right now...

Find a good MC and get a copy of the book Torn Asunder by Dave Carder... You've chosen a very difficult road (rebuilding your marriage), but it IS 'do-able'!!!

It sounds like you're doing a MUCH better job than I ever did after I just found out. Keep up the good work and let us know how you're doing from time to time.

Semper Fi,
RIF90

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>My belief is that you cannot stop someone from doing something unless they want to stop. Yes, I worry she may initiate or even accept contact from the OM's. I've told her that we cannot be husband and wife if she continues contact in any fashion. I feel that I have no choice but to trust her. As much as I want my wife, as much as our children deserve a mother and father in the home it's up to her and I'm prepared to deal with whatever happens. I have not offered an ultimatum but simply a promise to myself.

It is my belief that spying is not healthy for me or WS. I do not want to be with someone I have to monitor constantly. What kind of life is that? I have a life too and I plan on living it with or without her! Again, I want to be with her forever but she must want the same thing.

It's only been two weeks since D-Day. Maybe I'm a fool for what I'm doing. However, how can I ever truly trust her again (and she trust me) if we spy on each other? Just my two cents.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If you give her your trust back so easily, then you cheapen the value of that trust in her eyes and make it easier for her to again betray your trust. She'll never value your trust if she realizes that you don't value it yourself.

If you don't spy on her then how are you going to find out if she's resume contact or not with any of the OM? You acknowledge in your first post that you don't trust your W, do you trust her now two weeks later? Aren't you worried that she might be tempted to fall back into an A with any of the OM if she knows you won't snoop? Has she been accountable for all her time away from you? It sounds very much like you're going back to the blind trust that made it easy for her to have her A's to begin with and that's not good. I wonder if it's because snooping might hurt you more with all the gory details right in front of your eyes. I would humbly suggest that you reconsider your position.

<small>[ September 15, 2002, 10:47 AM: Message edited by: TooMuchCoffeeMan ]</small>