Just found out, and my anniversary is in days, do I or don't I get her a present? She still does not seem commited to recovery.

Keith,

I have just read your previous posts and it is amazing the horrible things your wife has done to you and your self-esteem. She clearly has become a user and you seem to be willing to put up with anything and everything. I suggest counseling to try to get your self-esteem back and understand why you are so willing to accept so little in your life. To answer your question about giving a gift I would do what you want to do. It sounds like she will accept a gift since she seems to be willing to take everything from you anyway. If it makes you feel good giving a gift to someone who has consistently humiliated and disrespected you then do it for your own sake. I wish you luck.

KeithP,

Oh man I know exactly how you are feeling. I too found out about my W's EA a few days before our 18th. She actually asked me if I would give her a D if she she asked.

I was still committed to the M so I not only gave her the gift I already had. I took her out to dinner and I still reminded her that I loved her "No matter what" and that "No-one could love her more than I do!"

Up until about 5 weeks ago she still told me she had no feelings of love toward me. Last week she told me that she loved me (that I believed her) for the first time in nearly 11 months.

If you really are committed to saving your M then YES, do celebrate the annivesary. Let her know what your wedding vows meant to you. That love is what you decide not a feeling that comes and goes like sadness, anger, happiness etc.

Isn't she the one you promised to love through better or worse? Well, this will be one of the worst, and she's lost in the fog. Are you going to help her get out of it? And are you in for the long haul?

You need to answer these questions and determine how long you can stick with it. Figure out or ask what needs are being met by OM and meet them yourself. and don't LB.

Good luck.

S&C

Two totally different posts and both of them are exactly how I feel.

I don't know which way I'm gonna go, guess I'll just find out the day before. I'm just so tired now.

Thanks for your help.

Keith

Keith,

I agree. Give her a present if you want to do it. She has already established that she is the taker in the relationship. And from all that you have done and put up with...you are the giver. I am in the same situation.

It is strange that if you have two people in the marriage who are takers(selfish) then divorce is most likely the result. If you have a giver(selfless) and a taker(selfish), the marriage has a shot. If you have two givers(selfless) then you probably don't even need to be on this website except maybe to help others who need it.

If you have a shot at keeping the marriage alive, you have to keep being the giver. I have been the giver in my marriage for a long time now and I think my w is finally beginning to see her own selfishness. It has been very hard to do sometimes, to give and not get anything in return but in the end it will be worth it. We (BS) will never receive what they(WS) owe us for all of our pain, suffering, pride swallowing, etc. but that's what unconditional love is all about. No one can ever repay God for all of the sadness, disappointment, and heartbreak He has suffered by our actions either. Still he loves us unconditionally.

Hang in there. A lot of people care.

Jetes

Update

I was moping around trying to figure out what my life was mounting up to. Then I got a call to work. I went to work and came home around 3pm the phone rang and it was the anonymous caller telling me that my wife was still having the affair. I decided that I was done being the glue that holds the family together and I had to concentrate on my happiness instead of hers. My wife called and realized by my voice that something was up, I told her about the call and she denied it. She asked if I could bring the kids to the mall to meet up with her, I did, I dropped off the kids and said cya later I have to go back to work. She looked at me with this stunned look that was like "why aren't you falling all over me with love?" I left. I worked till 1 in the morning. I never called to say I was to be late. I slept on the lazyboy, and was woken up by her at 5 a.m. she sat on the floor in front of me and asked me what was wrong and where do I stand now on the relationship. I told her I was through chasing her and from now on, I will be concentrating on me, I will not withold affection or neglect my responsibilities to my family but I would not initiate anything with her.
We then went to my brothers wedding, she stood beside me crying during the service, like she had some kind of epiphany..., she cried and apologized profusely for the affair and all the lies. I don't get it, as soon as I am in the frame of mind where I couldn't care less what she does, she does exactly what I have been telling her I need for so long now. She has not treated me like this for so long, what happened? Did she think she was losing me so she had to grab back on? Or was she so attracted to my strong words and my indifferent attitude towards further marriage counselling (I told her she had made ajoke out of the counselling and our marriage.)That the strength and confidence I showed were irrisistable? This is nuts!! Today my wife has acted remorseful, affectionate, concerned, courteous admiring and loving. This is the women I fell in love with. The more distant and not caring I was, the more attention and affection she craved....how can I continue this reaction without having to make myself so distant that I don't want to love her. that's the way I was feeling today.

Keith