hi again (you may see me in a few other places - i'm just getting the hang of this so HOPEFULLY i'm in the right place now!)

i just posted my story under Cerri's opinion topic. oops. anyway, here i go again. i'm married, 3 kids, found out 2 weeks ago that H had an affair that began end of '97 and ended sometime in 2000. i found out over a period of 4 or 5 days - first a letter from someone he was just flirting with, then birthday cards that sounded very intimate (which he lied about) then i found pictures - charming. he says he is committed to going forward but i'm having trouble with all of it. i don't know how i feel. i've had physical symptoms, all the raging emotions and then all of a sudden it was like someone hit a switch and i was numb and ambivalent. i feel pressured to just get over all this and move on but i can't yet.

new here,

I read your post, and what you are describing all your emotions and feelings are normal.

I know that your emotions are raging (to say the least) and that you wish that it all would change immediately and that all will be well. But, it will take time…

I would like to say that your husband telling you about this is actually a VERY good start. I know it’s hard to believe that at this time, but it REALLY is. The fact that you found out over 4-5 days is also very normal. There may even be more that will come out over time, as well. I know that your husband is probably scared and uncomfortable talking about this, just as you are.

I am assuming that the both of you would like for your marriage to work. You mentioned that he WANTS to go forward in your marriage…that is GREAT!!!!!!! Move forward…together!!!

I would really recommend that the both of you read (separately or together) the book “Surviving and Affair”. This does have a lot of good information within it that will help you to understand why you feel all of the emotions that you do, and know that it is very normal. It is also a good start, and I do say “start” to making your marriage work because most likely you should be seeking counseling as well. (Make sure you read about finding a consoler before you do this though)

There are a few people that have posted information on the site that I have seen that has very valid points and have expressed points much better than what I would be able to do. So, I would like to include a couple of them here for you:

One of them is worthatry post "WAT's Quick Start Guidelines for Betrayed Spouses" (you should be able to click on the link to take you there, if not let me know and I can redirect you there). This helps you to know that what you are feeling is very normal, and does have some good advice.

The other is a person who I have seen post replies to a lot of new people here, and I think reading his reply will help start you in the right direction is Johnh39. Since his posts have been replies to other I will include some of it here. I hope that he doesn’t mind me doing this (thanks in advance Johnh39).

This is some of his post:
----------------------------
1.) Learn. Read everything in the Basic Concepts section of this site. Next, read all the Q&A's on infidelity on this site. They are found at How to Survive Infidelity Then buy and read “Surviving an Affair”, by Willard Harley, (hereinafter referred to as “SAA”) available at the Bookstore. SAA is THE best book on the market for helping one get to the root of “the message of the affair” (BUT YOU HAVE TO DO THE QUESTIONAIRES!). It (along with the Basic Concepts section of this site) is also helpful for giving you a vision of what a great marriage should look like. The approach of SAA to this problem is that the best defense against affairs is to have a great marriage. My wife said we had a good marriage, but she still had an affair. She was kidding herself, but it was not until we read SAA and saw what a great marriage should look like that we could clearly identify the problem areas and had the tools necessary to fix them.

The phrase “the message of the affair” is from the book “Torn Asunder”, by Carder (hereinafter referred to as “TA”). I personally think this is the best book on affair recovery we have read. In particular it deals with the two different paths the recovery of the betrayed spouse (BS) and the wayward spouse (WS) need to take, and deals w/ remorse in a way that I prefer to SAA. Read it together, if your spouse is willing. If not, go through it yourself. If you or your spouse has issues with control, you might also want to read “The State of Affairs”, (SOA) by Todd Mulliken, which also treats the remorse issue similarly to TA. SOA also deals with "the vision thing" for marriage, which is neglected in SAA.

2.) See a marriage counselor. This is hard. You need help. These boards are populated by amateurs. MC’s are professionals. There is a difference. They can help deal with issues the books don’t cover, and customize things to your individual situation. That said, there are lots of bad MC’s in the world. Read, and take to heart, How To Find A Good Marriage Counselor. You do not want an MC that is going to teach you how to live with an awful spouse, or how to adjust to divorce. Too many of them do, as is documented here: Hazardous Counseling. Reading that link may scare you off counseling, but it should give you some good ideas to ask a potential MC before you start w/ them, so you can avoid those that give you the wrong answers. You need one that is committed to helping couples have great marriages, and knows how to do that.

You are on an emotional rollercoaster right now, and there will be times that you will think it would be best to just divorce your spouse and go on with your life. Though there are no guarantees, recovery IS possible, but it takes time and effort. You will hate yourself if you don't do everything you can to make that happen. Give yourself the time you need.

3.) I understand that you may not be a person of faith, but for me, getting my spiritual life in order was crucial. As I said, this is hard. I knew I would need all the help I could get. Repenting of the habitual sins in my life let me stop pushing God away so I could hold on for dear life. I had to humble myself and ask Him what I had done wrong, and what I could do to be the husband He wanted me to be for his child, my wife. This was not about blaming myself. It was about doing what I could to do my part in having a great marriage. My wife could participate or not, but I had to know I had done everything I could do. It also helped me to let go of thinking about what SHE needed to do, since I couldn't control her, anyway.

You might also want to read through: WAT's Quick Start Guidelines for Betrayed Spouses, but keep in mind that these are the writings of amateurs. Get the books, read the articles, and see a GOOD counselor - you need the best help you can get.

---------------------------------

I do wish you all the success in building a marriage that will last FOREVER!!!!

Sincerely,
WSD

<small>[ February 12, 2003, 12:39 PM: Message edited by: Wife stll denying... ]</small>

thank you for replying. we are seeing a marriage counsellor, i have read two really good books, searched the net, you name it. it's only been two weeks, i know, but i am having so much trouble figuring out my feelings and what to do. i don't know how to be around him - i want to be positive but i don't want him to think he's off the hook. my kids are being horrible right now and i feel like i am losing it. i feel like i have no direction and no one to help and no where to go - i really need to just get out of here.

Currer --

Welcome to MB. I think you've found the right Forum for your situation. I'm sorry you're here but know that you're in a good and supportive place. Read all you can, especially "Are You New Here?" on the Home page and the many good articles.

What you're feeling and going through each day is understandable and very normal. We're all here for each other, and most of us have felt the identical emotions and questions, and many of us continue to go through much the same things. Mood swings, instability, all common and to be expected. You're not alone with any of this.

A 2-1/2 year A is formidable but nonetheless can be overcome and your marriage and family unit can emerge even stronger than before, but it will take much work, much time, great patience, and a willingness on both your parts to recommit and solve the problems in your relationship which led to it.

A lot will depend upon H's willingness to provide what reassurance and support and comfort that you need. "He gets annoyed with my questions and backslides." -- but he's caused every bit of what you're going through and needs to realize that your healing and recovery should be his #1 priority. Sorry if he gets annoyed and doesn't want to see you hurting (it's called his "guilt"), but this is all his fault. If you need info, he has to be willing to provide it, as hard as that may be for him.

"i feel pressured to get over a 2-1/2 year betrayal in just 2 weeks." -- yeah, well, don't let him pressure you! You will "get over it" when you get over it and not before. This is on your timetable now. Don't be rushed to be somewhere you're not! He's caused massive injuries to you and your marriage; give yourself time (lots of it) to recover. Definitely continue counseling, maybe even IC as well; some professional direction will help a lot.

Believe it or not, after only two weeks, you are exactly where you are supposed to be--all too new and raw and painful to be anywhere else. Your children are feeling the effects of the family instability; they are very aware that you two are having problems--guaranteed! Give them extra hugs and love them all the more.

Post again and let us know how you're doing. Let us walk with you through this. We'll help you "figure out your feelings." We're here for you...

Ammon

Ammon-What a wonderful response. It is so hard when you are suffering and expected to "not pressure, or push" your spouse for anything. It is almost driving me crazy. I think after almost a year of not really knowing quite what is going on, I am finally just ready to take a break and let him make the next move. I feel since I have decided this, I am more comfortable with the idea of living a life without him. Believe me, it is not what I want, but at least I know it is not the end of the world. We'll have to see how I feel tomorrow!

hi GFHL,

isn't it hard to feel one day like you've finally got a handle on everything and then the next day you fall apart again? I actually read your posting and wanted to reply but I feel like i really have so little positives to say and i don't want to make anyone feel worse!! today has been hard because I too have young kids and it's hard to keep it together in front of them sometimes. today i kind of lost it.

anyway, i hope you get some answers - i know what went on with my H but i still have a need for details (even though they always just about kill me). good luck!

currer,

This is such great advice. I have nothing to add except to let you know you are not alone. The next part of your life will be an emotional roller coaster indeed. Some days good, some days bad. The MBers here have helped me tremendously.

Post on the good days.
Post on the bad days.

In my prayers,
landslide

Currer-
I know how hard it is to keep it together with two little ones around. Kids are so self-centered when they are young, and that's OK, but it is very hard to give them what they need when you are struggling to keep it together. Everyone says it and I believe it to be true. Find something for yourself. I have been working out-which I love, getting out more at night with girlfriends and leaving my H with the kids. It feels better than staying home trying to act as though everything is normal. Keep busy and try to stay positive.

hi currer, this si my first post in marriage builders and i sure wish i didn't have to look for help again. My d day as you call it was 01/14/01. I still have the rollar coaster rides and the bad days and the good days. I also have 2 children ages then 9 and 6. I did read the books and went to counciling and had a pastor to talk to and that all helped so much. I did go to a lawyer only to find out what my rights were and to protect myself. From the moment i found out i knew this was a mistake and i was going to save this marriage it didn't matter what anyone else said. Everytime he told me he hated me i would say i loved him. It was a long struggle but we are together today and there has been no contact with the ow since 05/01. But that does not make the pain go away. It seems lately that things that are happening in our lives seem to reflect back to that nightmare. Tax time for example did I send in the money owed th state for 2000 no why because my life was falling a part and that was the last thing on my mind. So it really never goes away. One idea i can give you for the kids, you said they know there is something going on so take the kids a side and have a prayer circle with them. Pray for god to help our daddy and help our family be together again. I did this everyday with my kids and i know it helped the healing that weht on. I will continue to watch your progress and keep you in my prayers.

hi everybody,

wow, thanks for all the support. i am actually having a pretty good day today. i feel like i've become a manic depressive - i'm really down one day and the next i'm better. the next day i think "what's my problem, i can deal with this!" and the next i'm a mess again. it's just too weird. anyway, i've been dreading this day (valentines) for the last week and now that it's here it's not so bad. My H is taking me out to dinner - i hope i don't ruin it!! things sometimes just pop out of my mouth and whamo back into the battle.

anyway, here is a poem that i like - it gives me a little comfort whenever i feel anxious about stuff (are you allowed to share stuff like this on this website?):

The Peace of Wild Things

When despair in the world grows in me
and I wake in the night at the least sound
in fear of what my life and my
children's lives may be,
I go and lie down where the wood drake
rests in his beauty on the water and the
great heron feeds.
I come into the peace of wild things
who do not tax their lives with
forethought of grief.
I come into the presence of
still water.
And I feel above me the day-blind stars
waiting their light.
For a time I rest in the grace of the world
and am free.

i hope everyone has a good day today.

oh yeah, that poem is by Wendell Berry (he's an environmentalist i think)

Hi,

make a doctor appt and go on anti-d's for now. they will help you out.

Good luck
Toyman

thanks for the advice but it's only been two weeks and since everybody tells me that what i'm feeling is normal, then i think i'll just ride out the storm, rely on all the support i can get and rely on myself. I know i can get thru this. as much as i feel i'm falling apart sometimes, i know that i can be strong!!

just remind me of this tomorrow when i'm down again!! (ha ha)

Currer --

Just checking in with you. Haven't heard from you for a few days and we don't want you to think we've forgotten about you.

Hope you're hanging in there and that things are at least somewhat better in your life.

I really liked the Wendell Berry poem. Thanks for sharing it with us.

Please keep in touch and give us a word or two about how you're doing. We're here for you...

Ammon