Well....my betrayed wife of 30 years and I just had "the talk." I told her in all the detail she asked for about my affair with an old HS girl friend; an EA and then PA which lasted a couple of months. She yelled a bit, we both cried. The conversation ended up with her coming to me for a hug. I pretty well lost it at that point.

Truth be told, the whole thing wasn't about sex. While I'm not all that sexually experienced, my wife is all I could want in that area. It was about me not getting approval or support. And boy howdy, did the GF ever give me that!

On the other hand, the GF is pretty much a...well...loose woman, and I was stupid to fall for her attentions. And the sex wasn't all that satisfying. I'm at least the second married guy with whom she was intimate. There were also two husbands, a med school professor, at least two fellow students, assorted "friends," and whomever else. My wife -- a nurse -- asked if it's possible that I brought home an STD, and I told her no. I'm confident that's the case.

So...bottom line is: I've told my wife that I take full responsibility for my actions, that I will do what ever it takes to regain her trust, and so on. Oh yes....I went voluntary no contact with the GF earlier this week. She pretty much came unglued at that...and she's likely to make trouble for me. Oh well. It's not like I didn't forsee that possibility. Fortunately she lives 300 miles away, and I've blocked all the email/IM addresses that she used to reach me.

I also told my wife that our marriage is now in her hands. I'll try and make it work if she will. I guess we'll see....

<small>[ September 26, 2003, 03:09 PM: Message edited by: javaman ]</small>

Well, at least you've got the "right" attitude. The marraige is, indeed, in her hands.

It takes a lot of courage to do what you did. Bravo.

My FWW also said the affair wasn't about sex, which in retrospect is a good thing because it was never an issue for her in our marriage. It was for me, but I never acted on my feelings of dissatisfaction. She did act, on feelings of not getting the kind of conversation and admiration she wanted, but it's funny how an affiar usually seems to end up being about sex. In her case, I believe this is what her OM was looking for.

Anyway, enough about me. Kudos for doing the right thing and telling. Honesty is best. Good luck....

Jake.

congrats on the "confession".
i only wish that my H would feel as remorseful as you do. it sounds by ur W's reaction that she wants to work things out, so consider urself a lucky, very lucky man... good luck.
and a tid-bit of advice... SUCK UP to her. make sure she knows how sorry u feel for how much she is hurting.

Thanks, guys. I'll do all that.

I just thought of something....we've got two boys, aged 23 and 21. The older boy is living on his own in another state, the younger one is away at college.

What -- if anything -- should I/we tell them, I wonder?

<small>[ September 26, 2003, 03:02 PM: Message edited by: javaman ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by birmbear:
My wife -- a nurse -- asked if it's possible that I brought home an STD, and I told her no. I'm confident that it's the case.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is going to be a very bumpy ride for the next 6-12 months .... odds are, your M will survive and even be better than before ... largly because of YOUR attitude! YOU are to be commended.

The STD issue should not be left to guesswork. I too am a nurse, we both got tested after my H's A. There are too many loose ended questions if you don't get tested.

Do you think it's time to invite the Mrs. to join MB? She might welcome some "been there" folks.

Take care, God bless...

Pep

Crap. We've got some friends -- maybe they should be "friends" when it comes to me -- who live in another part of the state. I'll call them "Pat" and "Sam."

Pat and Sam have been like a brother and sister to us for years. Their children call us aunt and uncle. Pat and Same are very religious, as is my wife. And while I'm a believer, I'm not as orthodox as these people. IOW, I eat meat, and I drink coffee -- without feeling guilty about it.

Anyway, my wife calls Pat to confide in her my misdeeds. Pat straight away tells my wife that we should separate. Start from the beginning. Blah blah blah.

So my wife tells me this, tearfully, when she comes back from the grocery store. I ask her on what basis does Pat offer this advice? Is it because Pat know a lot about adultery? Or because she's such and experienced councellor? (She drives school bus. Used to drive a school bus...until the accident.)

I'm thinking that a separation is just the ticket if the A is ongoing. But I went voluntary NC. Broke the thing off without any threat of discovery or anything; unlike another person we know who had an A until recently and was given a deadline by when he had to tell his wife. (SH*T. If I had't spilled the beans, the wife wouldn't even know now, and I wouldn't have these problems!)

But I digress....

The point I'm trying to make is, I figure that if the A is over and I'm in NC with the OW, and I want to make the marriage work, and my wife wants to make the marriage work -- so she says -- then we ought to stay together.

I told her so.

I pointed out to her that if she left -- 'cause I'm not gonna -- then our marriage would probably be over at that point.

I wish these damn religious amateurs would keep their righteous noses outta things.

Well...I'm not sure this helped or hurt the situation, but posting this venting sure helped me.

birmbear,

Everything I've read indicates that if the affair is ended and no contact established and the couple seperates, the chances of recovery are decreased. Still, if she really has her heart set on seperation, start plan "A" and do what you can to build up your account in her "love bank." If these terms are foreign, look on this site, or get the book Surviving An Affair by Dr. Harley. It's definitely worth the read, especially if you're committed to a stronger marriage.

Look for posts from TooMuchCoffeeMan, John39 and Chorus for perspective, and good luck....

Jake

If you want some effective tools to help you recover, click on the link in my signature line. The resources listed there, both religious and secular, will not steer you wrong. It's not just religious friends who can be trouble. I've seen bad advice come from every corner - secular, religious, and, as you will see if you read the links within the link, professional counselors.

<small>[ September 26, 2003, 11:10 PM: Message edited by: johnh39 ]</small>

You really do need to get tested for stds, as does your wife. I wouldn't let my H within 100 miles of me until he got tested. We live in a very small, rural area. A friend works for the health dept. and said we would be absolutely shocked with the number of stds in this area, most of them with married people.

You not only had sex with your lover, but with EVERYONE they EVER had sex with. You owe it to yourself and to your wife to get checked immediately.