So I've been very, well, hesitant about posting here, because it seemed like my situation was so minor compared to the issues of so many others. But I need help. I can't make the thoughts go away. I can't stop thinking about it. I can't stop playing the pictures in my head. I can't stop remembering the words that I've read.

So here's a rough timeline of events.

1) We've been married for 4 years, together for 7 years, friends for 10 years. We have no kids from our marriage, but she did bring two daughters from previous relationships.

2) For a while now, I've had issues with trusting my wife. I was never really willing or able to admit it, as they'd be fleeting thoughts. But now, I can remember clearly several times in our past where I had flashes of suspicion about whether she was really "going to work early", "working late", or "working on the weekend. But, I'd call, or drive by, and her car was there, and she'd have the overtime on her paycheck. Anyway, it had gotten a lot worse recently.

3) For the past 3.5 years, we've both been part of an online gaming community. We've tried out most of those MMORPG's (games like Everquest, Asheron's Call, Star Wars Galaxies, and so on). This has been the primary recreational activity that we've shared together. As a result of the time spent, we've also met a lot of people, several of which we have gone to meet in real life, most on more than one occasion, with my wife even being a Bridesmaid for one couple we met through this activity. So there have been lots of good friends, good people, and close relationships developed there over the years.

4) In late August, I decided to quit those games, to devote more time to our everyday lives. I felt as though we were both neglecting more important things, like cooking and cleaning and, most especially, the kids. I suppose that my hope at the time was that, as a result of me quitting completely, she'd reduce her time as well, because I wasn't there. Well, not only did that not happen, her time on the computer increased, dramatically.

She went from a common schedule of being on the computer for maybe 2-3 hours 2 times Monday-Thursday, 4-5 hours Friday, and maybe a total of 6 hours on Saturday and Sunday combined (maybe 20 hours in a week), to 6pm-11pm (or later) Monday-Thursday (every night), 6pm-3am Friday, all day and night Saturday until as late as 4am again, and most of the day Sunday, depending on if the kids were with us or not that weekend (as much as 50+ hours a week). So, this got under my skin, made me jealous, made me suspicious.

5) Eventually, on or about October 16th (two days after our 4th anniversary), I snooped into her computer activities, and found some things that didn't make sense. Visits to websites like Victoria's Secret, Frederick's of Hollywood, and another that sold not only the same type of clothing, but other "adult toys". Also, I found a few pictures of one of the guys from this game that we'd never actually met in real life, a new friend from the most recent game, someone that she would have met no earlier than July. Also, I found a collage of pictures of her with suggestive comments added (pictures of her in a baby doll shirt with a comment about making it much shorter, her tatoo on the small of her back with hands wandering across her butt, her belly-button piercing with lips and a comment about exploring even more), and pictures of her sexiest lingerie items layed out on the bed (which I had never seen before, and couldn't understand why she'd have them at all, let alone have them stored in her computer. Well, I flipped. I confronted her right away, and she explained it all away as harmless, silliness, or surprises for me.

6) Well, I didn't buy it, and I kept on snooping. I had also mentioned a visit to an internet email site that I'd never known her to go to, as though she might have some secret e-mail account, but she denied that, and as it turns out, it was our oldest daughter going there. However, that very night, after she came home, she went to a different place and DID create a new "secret" email account, with only on address in it, and a message sent saying "This is just for you sweetie, so don't lose the address." Additionally, while she was working on Saturday (10/18), I found a chat log of private conversaion with this same guy from the pictures that was VERY suggestive, and refrenced a time in November when these things could happen (she was planning a trip out of town in November with a female co-worker, which had been in planning since the very beginning of the time that she would have even met this guy). Well, I flipped again! I told her that I wanted her to send him an email saying that their friendship was over, and to send me a copy of it when she did. She said she would, but didn't. She came home and said she wanted me to watch her send it, but never got around to it. Sunday morning, I told her that I wanted her to go into that chat room and tell him it was over while I watched, but she said she didn't want to put him on the spot, it's not his fault, she made the mistake, its not fair to him. So I told her to send the email, but she never did that either. Sunday night, I told her that it felt like she was just trying to stall so that she could warn him of some upcoming message that she didn't mean, and wanted to wait to make sure he'd be ok, but of course, that was way off base.

7) Monday (10/20), I found a copy of some email she had sent to him on Sunday! Sunday morning, a message warning him that she was going to have to tell him that they would cool things off, and talk about how she had hurt me, blah, blah, blah. Followed by his thanks for letting him know. Followed by her saying "Oh, and the trip is still on, as long as I don't make any major mistakes between now and then." Well, that was it. That was D-Day. I confronted her, she admitted to what I had discovered, said it had gone too far, said that she was ending it, said that it was just something that had developed when there were a lot of problems at home (my jealousy and the usual stresses with kids) plus problems at work, and she had just turned to this friend for emotional comfort, and it had just gotten out of hand.

8) Since then, we've talked a lot. She's never used the voice chat that she was always on with him. She hardly ever even turned her computer on, and when she has, she's told me ahead of time when, why, what, and for how long. Of course, that guy was often present in whatever she was doing in the chat room or games. But I accepted that as having been an activity that she's enjoyed for a lot longer than she's known this guy, where she has a lot of other good friends that she hasn't had these types of conversations with, and maybe that was a mistake, but what's done is done. Besides, she has email and internet at work, so if she wanted to stay in touch without me knowing, I couldn't stop her by demanding she never use her compuetr at home. So I felt it better to be open, and honest, and aware of what's happening, to allow her the opportunity to show me that she's not doing anything wrong now, instead of making her feel trapped.

9) So we fast-forward to this weekend. This is the weekend of her planned trip, and she's gone. Maybe she was telling me the truth that she no longer has any plans or intentions of meeting him there. Maybe she's telling me the truth that, even if he did show up, she would absolutely, positively, under any circumstances, NOT be interested in allowing anything physical to happen. But me being so mired in frustration and mistrust and bad feelings of every sort? I decided I need to do just a bit more last-minute snooping. I didn't find anything new. No evidence that anything had happened since D-Day.

However, what I did find freaked me out just the same. I found an old log of messages shared between the two of them of VERY explicit "description", from all the way back in AUGUST! 2 MONTHS before this "one time thing" happened. So, I confronted her with this just hours before she was set to leave, which may have been my dumbest move yet. I told her that, in my eyes, it equated to cybersex, that it was horribly inappropriate, and that, yet again, for the third time, she had told me "You know everything now, so there's no reason for me to lie", and for third time, I found out more that she had never told me. She said it was "just a story" and she basically didn't think there was anything wrong. I responded that, even if it was "just a story", I don't thin it's right for my wife to be collaborating on porn movie with another man (believe me...it was VERY explicit and VERY descriptive).

10) And we move forward to today. It's been almost 3 days since she left, and I haven't heard one word from her. She never bothered to call to tell me that they'd arrived safely. Her cell phone has been off the entire time. And after I finally left her a message yesterday afternoon that I'd like to hear from her to know that she's ok and how things are going (in those words exactly), well, I still haven't heard from her, and her phone is still off.

To make matters worse, this other man, hasn't been seen in the chat rooms or games or message boards since Friday morning, and he's somebody who'd be there every single day, multiple times a day, without fail, unless he had no access to a compueter, for example, if he happened to be out of town during the very same time that my wife is gone.

So I'm a wreck. I can't get through these feelings. I can't get these images out of my head. I can't sleep. I can't eat. I can't do anything productive. And it's taken every ounce of strength in my body just to keep myself from calling her every 5 minutes and leaving increasingly nasty messages.

How do I get through this? Gawd how?!?!

<small>[ November 16, 2003, 09:40 AM: Message edited by: Uncomfortably Numb ]</small>

Hello,

I am sore sorry for you. It seems pretty obvious that she is with him. Your wife has consistently lied to you time and time again. It is ironic that she claims that the problems in your marriage is that you are too jealous. Yet, your jealousy has been confirmed over and over again.
She has been emotionally cheating on you and more than likely is now physically cheating. I would suggest that she get tested for STD's before you get intimate.
You will have to ask yourself if you are willing to spend the rest of your life like this. As a couple counseling is essential and she needs to stop with the games. Her messages to the other guy indicates that she is trying to play you like a fool. It is sad that she has not the decency to call you and keep her cell phone off. I am sorry for your pain but you need to ask yourself why you are willing to put up with this? I doubt you will get the truth from her when she returns. It is terrible the lies she puts you through. Only you will know how much is enough. I am sure if the roles were reversed, she never would have put up with what you are putting up with. I wish you luck.

I know your feeling having gone through a similar situation only a month ago. You will get through it. Find a good friend, clergyman or somebody to talk to. Talking about it really helps. Have a good cry. That helps too! Go for a long walk and vigorous walk. Excersize clears and focuses the brain and helps the spirit.

It takes time to recover and focus on the steps needed to turn the situation around. I know, as I am still taking time to do what I know must be done. My situtation may be a little unique, but that is true of many of us.

Oh, have you considered trashing the computer?? Just throw it out. Or wipe the disk clean and donate it to a charity where it can be used for good.

God bless you. God bless all of us.

Ugh - got you confused with a previous poster. SORRY!!!

It does sound like your wife is probably with him. Now is the time to steady yourself as much as you can and get a plan of action to hit her with when she does come back.

If you want the salvage the marriage, you need to be informed about infidelity (and this site has the best information available) and be prepared to put together a plan. Read about Plan A and Plan B.

Good luck!

<small>[ November 16, 2003, 12:04 PM: Message edited by: hope4future ]</small>

When my WW was away for the weekend I took the time to read a few books. I found the Harley's "Surviving an Affair" and Glass's "Not Just Friends" to be very good. One thing I learned is that there behavior is nothing new, their relationship is not 'special', and that I do not deserve this.

It has been about a month since my D-Day. For most of that time I was emotionally numb. Otherwise, I would not have been able to function at work. Interestinlgy, I found my first relief when I called the OM and politely and respectfully asked him not to communicate with my wive anymore. His callous response was what I needed. I now know that I am the 'good guy' and that he is a bum. Showing him respect was like casting pearls before swine. He did not know the value of human decency. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

<small>[ November 16, 2003, 03:33 PM: Message edited by: auto009988 ]</small>

I am not trying to be callous, because I know how much this hurts, but your wife is having an affair, and if by some miracle it is not physical, it doesnt' really matter - because an emotional affair can be just as damaging as a physical affair. I am sorry you waited so long I would have told you to go out there and join her, not matter how costly or inconvenient that might be. You have got to inject a little reality into their relationship. Starting by calling said OM and asking him politely to cease all contact with your wife because their relationship is interfering with your marriage is a good first step, as long as you expect nothing from him other than scorn or ridicule, and can ignore everything he says, as some to all of it may be untrue, and it will be almost impossible to determine what might be true of whatever he says. The second part is to tell his wife, if he is married. Beyond that, click on the link in my signature line.

<small>[ November 16, 2003, 09:19 PM: Message edited by: johnh39 ]</small>

A couple of updates.

1) She called me this morning, returning my call from yesterday. She sounded very upset, and that made me very concerned for her well-being. I asked if everything was ok, and she told me we'd talk about it when she gets home tomorrow. That it'd be easier to talk about it then. I told her that I miss her, and she said she missed me too. I told her that I love her, and she said she loves me too. We talked a bit of small talk about the kids, and in closing, I told her to have fun, have a safe trip home, that I would be looking forward to seeing her again, and that I love her. The joy was that the bad thoughts barely even entered my mind, and not in such a way that I even considered the idea of mentioning any of them. I was just so happy to hear her voice, and maybe it's bad, but kind of happy to hear that she was emotionally upset. Maybe it's good that she is, maybe it's bad, maybe it means nothing. But I was kind of happy to know that this doesn't seem to be the best time of her life.

2) I went out and bought a copies of Surviving an Affair and His Needs Her Needs for Parents. I'm about halfway through SAA right now, and it's even better than most of what I read here, primarilly because it seems to be taking me through a process, as opposed to my disjointed readings on this website. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

3) It still hurts, but as long as I focus on improving myself, and learning about the situation, it seems to keep the bad thoughts at bay. I know that I want to make this work. I know that I want to get past the pain, and feel love. I know that I want to get past the lies, and be able to trust again. I know that it's going to be a much longer and more painful process than I'd ever want to face. I can only hope that she wants the same things, and that we are both strong enough to get through the toughest times.

4) As I read some and think even more, it like I'm coming out of a fog. That, for whatever reason, I never really allowed myself to truly FEEL the love I've always had for her. But with all that's happened, and the resulting introspection, I see now just how truly, totally, madly in love with her I am, and how bad I've always been at really showing her that. By not truly listening when she needed to talk. By not being as good of a Father as the kids deserve to have, nor as good as I know I can be. By not sharing my feelings with her about how wonderful and beautiful I've always thought she was, and is. By being guilty of so many Love Busters, and doing such a poor job of fulfilling ANY of her Emotional Needs, whichever ones it might turn out would be her Top 5.

It's amazing how much hope can be found when I'm able to divert my thoughts from the hurtful words and actions, and focus them on a positive plan of action, even if only to improve myself. When I think about what I can do to make life better, I find myself happier and positive and a much better person to live with (which I'm kind of forced to do, ya know?) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Thank you folks for just being here. I'm sure I won't be here again until sometime after she gets home tomorrow, and we've had a chance to really talk, which is something I'm very anxious about, both for the good that could possibly come of it, and for the bad that could possibly be revealed.

So I'll just say thank you for today, and best of luck to all of you in similar situations, whichever side of "the fence" you might be on. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Quick update before I head off to work.

One important thing came up during our long talk last night after she got home.

I asked her if she was sorry for what she had done. She thought for a while (20-30 seconds), then said "Not at the time, no." Then the phone rang, and we never got back on that subject.

But the gist of that part of the conversation was that she knows that it was wrong, she understands why and how it hurt me, but she's not sorry for what she did. She also mentioned that, if she had wanted to have an affair, she's had MANY opportunities to do that right here in town (OM was met on the internet, and lives 3 time zones away).

Anyway, there's a lot more, but those are the comments sticking in my ead right now.

Thanks. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

WS most of the times aren't sorry for their A's, just sorry that they got caught. Harley even says to not expect an apology.

I remember an email my WW wrote up- "Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened." That about summed it up for me in regards to how she felt about things.

As far as her saying she's had many opportunities to have A's, I'm sure that's true but haven't we all? You don't get brownie points for not having A's prior to your actual A just because you didn't do it then.

The real question should be- What made this opportunity to have an A different from the others? Why did she decide to act upon this one and not any of the others?

Numb, would suggest you put His Needs/Her Needs for Parents on the back burner and get His Needs/Her Needs "how to affair proof your marriage". Same author but no comparison in my opinion. Seemingly your W is admitting to a meeting on this trip- I'm not sure, I'm asking you. But one thing you need to concern yourself with is continued contact. If the A has gone physical I suppose there will be this initial remorse and effort to help you through it. But quickly following this is the attempts at continued contact. You cannot waiver in this area. You need to be firm while it's open for discussion because the window of opportunity won't last. I like the idea of donating the computer to someone who can put it to be use. Your "re-discovery" of your W is very typical and I think makes you vulnerable to negotiating with her. You can't budge in the area of NC. Good luck.