Hello everyone. I am new her but have been reading since 4-11. I found alot of advice helpfull to me. But I need help. To start with we have been M 4 1/2 and together 5 1/2. I am 31, she is 28. My first M her second. No kids. I recently had the oppertunity to go overseas to make so extra money. We both agreed on this. I was not gone but a month when I found out she was having A. That was 4-11. I came home immediatly. Two days later she moved in with her OM. I was devasted. I have been lost ever since. I had know idea anything was wrong. But while I was gone I did some soul searching and had decided that there were things I needed to change to make our M even better. Now I don't have the chance to do any of that. I do not want to file for D yet. I believe that some day she will wake up and reallize what is going on. She will not file either. To this day I have not done or said anything mean to her. I just let her know that I'm here for her, and want to work this out. She doesn't want to. Her main reasons are 1. she doesn't believe she can foregive herself, 2.the M won't be the same. 3. she does not want to give up what she has OM. I know somethings about OM but don't know him personally. He is a truck driver and is gone 2 weeks at a time and home for a couple of days and gone again. He is divorced with 3 kids by 2 women. What I don't understand is why she left so quickly. She didn't take anything but clothes. She has ditched all her freinds and has nobody to talk to but OM. And that is by cell phone. She did admit that she has been talking to him on and off for 2 years and even slept with him a year ago. I want to save our marriage but have know idea how, she is not willing to try. I have started NC. Not sure if this is the right thing to do. I hope some time apart will help. Also she has told me that she loves me and cares about me alot, but she is not in love with me anymore. What do I do. I would love some advice.

Welcome to marriage builders. Luckily you found this site in time.

Your wife is following the typical wandering spouse script, the sudden move, no desire to work on things, etc. Try not to take it personally. They all do and say the same things.

Read all about Plan A. You can find it on this forum under the thread "General Welcome for All New Builders". Stick with us and we will help you through this. And yes, she will probably be back.

thanks believer, I have read Plan A, But I need to keep reading it. I am just so frustrated that she does doesn't seem to care about anything other than OM. I am trying to keep my head up. I really hope someday she realizes what she is doing and wants correct it. I guess time will tell. Should I try and stay incontact with her or leave her alone?

what the:

Not sure I'll be much help. But I did a lot of reading here. Then made a plan and enacted it. That was done in the first 3 or 4 days. After that is when I started questioning what I was doing. So, then I started relying on the counselors more and other people that I was talking to. In your case, it sounds like there are alot of unknowns. That will make it much tougher. Good luck.

HR

Your wife is deeply in the fog. The only one you can change right now is you. Keep reading here and posting. It really helps.

Look at her like an addict that is getting her fix. They all do and say the same things, and that should give you some comfort. It is miserable, but if you force yourself to start doing things, and making changes, you will get your self-esteem back.

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Well it has been almost 6 wks since I found out. I have been trying to Plan A. But it is so hard when there is no communication. We have emailed back and forth, but mostly only about bills. I have written her several letters telling her how I feel about everything. She never replies. I don't get anything from her. It is really frustrating. I have told her I will not file for D. She says she doesn't have the money to do this either. Then asks if she is the one that is suppose to file. I of course tell her no.I don't know what to think. Is it possible for someone to just totally shut down their feelings and detach like this? 5 1/2 yrs is alot to just act like it never happened. I would think that if she had made up her mind 100% of what she is going to do. She would tell me somehow. Whether good or bad. I have tried to push her aliitle to get a response (I know LB'ing). But she just won't say anything about our relationship, or what she wants to do. Is this normal? Its like talking to a wall. I have just received His Needs Her Needs and SAA. I have already read SAA, but am going to read it several times. WW is going on a 2 week trip with OP. Actually just going on the road with him. He is a truck driver. I also just found out that she is going to get fired from her job. If this happens I will have no communication at all with her. She does not have email at home.(can't afford it. I don't want to call her cell phone all the time because she may feel I am being pushy. I don't know what this will do to her. She has given up everything in the house, all her freinds, gave me the car back without a fight, and losing her job. I am afraid that this will just push her into OP arms even more. But there is nothing I can do to stop it. She thinks she has found her true love. That makes me sick. Does this fog thing go that deep and will she ever come out of it? She always wants to know how I am doing and what I have been up to. But she never says anything about herself. Strange. I guess I just don't understand all this. I just needed to vent. Thanks for reading.

Well it has been almost 6 wks since I found out. I have been trying to Plan A. But it is so hard when there is no communication. We have emailed back and forth, but mostly only about bills. I have written her several letters telling her how I feel about everything. She never replies. I don't get anything from her. It is really frustrating. I have told her I will not file for D. She says she doesn't have the money to do this either. Then asks if she is the one that is suppose to file. I of course tell her no.I don't know what to think. Is it possible for someone to just totally shut down their feelings and detach like this? 5 1/2 yrs is alot to just act like it never happened. I would think that if she had made up her mind 100% of what she is going to do. She would tell me somehow. Whether good or bad. I have tried to push her aliitle to get a response (I know LB'ing). But she just won't say anything about our relationship, or what she wants to do. Is this normal? Its like talking to a wall. I have just received His Needs Her Needs and SAA. I have already read SAA, but am going to read it several times. WW is going on a 2 week trip with OP. Actually just going on the road with him. He is a truck driver. I also just found out that she is going to get fired from her job. If this happens I will have no communication at all with her. She does not have email at home.(can't afford it. I don't want to call her cell phone all the time because she may feel I am being pushy. I don't know what this will do to her. She has given up everything in the house, all her freinds, gave me the car back without a fight, and losing her job. I am afraid that this will just push her into OP arms even more. But there is nothing I can do to stop it. She thinks she has found her true love. That makes me sick. Does this fog thing go that deep and will she ever come out of it? She always wants to know how I am doing and what I have been up to. But she never says anything about herself. Strange. I guess I just don't understand all this. I just needed to vent. Thanks for reading.

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