Hey SAB,
See why I called us the dumber sex. Her H didn't do anything for her B-day. If that's not dumb, I don't know what is.

OK, all teasing aside -

Ginger, I bet all of us go through the lonelyness at one time or another. Not to discount your feelings, but to encourage you that you can make it through this, and you can be OK, or even better than OK.

I am so sorry that your H doesn't get it. I think back to all the times I didn't get it, and I feel so sorry for you, for my W, and many others that have to live this kind of sadness. I feel for Sue, I feel for all of you now.

When you feel like this, it's hard for the small things - life's simple pleasures to hold much happiness. I know it's hard to get very excited about doing something that seems to make no difference in your day to day happiness.

Hang on the good days, I believe you have some.

All the best -

SS

What I must do is realize he will never change,its hard to think that "I" am not worth changing for.

I have to let go.

On saturday he did not call me all day,my son called said he just got off the phone w/his dad and that he sounded different.That was wierd so I decided to call him,I got his voice mail so I called his house,his roommate answered and he does not speak real good english so sure what he said I could have heard wrong but when I asked "Is H there?" he said "NO he went to a party".
Well when H did call he was drunk said he was not at a party but washing his car!! Who knows.

I just hung up.
So he comes for a visit shows up last night.We dont talk,we watch some TV no attempt on his part to even act like he has not seen me in 3wks.When we go to bed he does put his arm around me but no attempt at all for SF,so I wonder to myself what is really going on.The last time in our M he did not ask for sex on a regular basis was when he was involved with OW.So today he is gone to work w/his brother all day.
I look at this and say "Making 50 bucks is more important to him than spending the day w/me".

I told him last night I think we need to start the divorce proceedings.
He said NO.

Like I said he will never change,he does not see what he does to me.

Hi SS:

See why I called us the dumber sex. Her H didn't do anything for her B-day. If that's not dumb, I don't know what is.

Mine did the same thing (nothing) for my day last year nor for our anniversary this year. (I never did get that card he stayed home from camping with us to work on. I think it just an excuse anyway.) I believe men are not dumber, only OUR Hs. I do make that distinction. I have to say I didn't do much for my H's day but then again he has issues about receiving since he doesn't think he deserves it. It's hard to give to someone like that.

Ginger:

Considering how he's been treating you, I think you've made the right decision for you. I'm proud of you for being so strong. I wonder why he didn't jump at the idea though. Unless, like Carol and the 180, he feels he can throw you away but still thinks you'll be there for him whenever he wants. Please tell us more. Is he still involved with the OW? If so, how about a plan B?

I dont know if he is still involved with OW,he says no its over.

I just recieved a phone call from him he is at his moms she is doing his LAUNDRY!!!
I knew this would happen,go home to mommy and have her take care of him.
I asked him how much money he made today working w/his brother he said 40$!!!!!!!!!!!!

40$ that was more important that time with me!!!!!
I told him he just let me know what I was worth in his eyes..........LESS THAN 40 BUCKS!!!!!!!!!

Your H just doesn't get it or he doesn't want to see.It's amazing isn't it.We'll continue to wonder why,why they do these stupid things and how messed up their priorities are. It's like somethings missing in their DNA or something.Or they just seem to have their head too far up their a^&.Excuse me.When all you want is a little bit of his time....and undivided attention with out the BS.How hard can that be.I would stick to your guns though.As much as I hate to say it and I wish things were different for you I think your doing the right thing and healthy thing for yourself.You can do whatever you want to do.You can't be taken advantage of anymore...

Well this visit was another bad one.

Every time things did not go his way he would say I'm going home.I said to him that is all you ever do run away from your problems or send them away.

I was weak this visit,I hate that.I need to be strong.
Here I sit and wonder again what is wrong with me why cant I let go.

Ok, I have a few questions -
You may have been just venting - and I probably shouldn't go on and on, but - well, by now you know me - so here goes.

1. How did you change the dance this time around? If you didn't, why not?
I am grinning, - half teasing, but I want to know.


Every time things did not go his way he would say I'm going home. I said to him that is all you ever do run away from your problems or send them away.

so, tell us more about what happened. Good grief, how's a guy supposed to know what to say when he only gets half of what happened.
(smile, and lets keep this light - if I get to serious, I won't be able to do it right.)


I was weak this visit,I hate that.I need to be strong.
Here I sit and wonder again what is wrong with me why cant I let go.

You can't let go because you love the lunk, and you are faithful, and you keep your promises.

What do you mean by weak? You did his laundry, or ???

What do you think you should have done different?


Do you understand that we still like you?

SS

SS
I blew the dance <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> I got angry.

No I did not do his laundry,his mommy did <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

I was weak because when he got up to leave I did not let him go.I should have said "Theres the door dont let it hit you in the behind and knock you down the stairs" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

What happened??
We agrued about his choice to spend the day w/his brother.I aksed him why he came down here he said to spend time w/you.I got angry(this is where I blew the dance)I said NO you did not or you would have been here w/me.
I told him if you are coming down to work with your brother says so,say "Ginger I am coming to work with my brother and when I am done I would like to know if we can do something together" but please dont say you are coming to spend time with me and then leave.

Is this wrong??
All I want from him is NOT to feel last.I dont think I need to settle for being last on the list.

I told him how I have been alone my whole life,he said not true.I said ok answer some questions for me.........
I asked when are the kid's bdays.He only got 1 out of 4 right.
I aksed how many school functions,sport events,dance recitles did he attend,he said a few.I said ok......mulitply a few by 4 kids by 18yrs and you will see I spent most of my life alone. He doesnt get it.

Yes deep down under all the anger,the hate(I dont like that word,but it is how I feel)all the sorrow,pain and grief I probably still am madly in love with my HS sweetheart.
I am angry at my self for this,I am angry at myself for not being strong enough to let go of my M and start over.I am angry that I cant let go of the A and forgive.
And I am most angry that I am expected to act like nothing ever happened,that I am not deeply hurt and changed for ever because of this.

Does that help you know more of how I feel and what went on. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
I still try to have some hummor in this.

Ginger,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I was weak because when he got up to leave I did not let him go.I should have said "Theres the door dont let it hit you in the behind and knock you down the stairs"
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't think that you are weak,Ginger. You are very brave to pick up, get a new job and move away from your husband. You are building a new life and giving him the chance to join you. You took action.

Your problem is that you have certain expectations or hope in your heart that your husband is not living up to. Your expectations are probably not that high in your head. In your heart, you keep hoping he will make an huge effort to show you what you mean to him. You want to feel loved and cherished and special. Everytime he comes you secretly hope that this will be the time that he will give you what you need.

Ginger, all of this is normal. You deserve all of those special things you want from him. Don't feel weak for wanting them. We all have secret expectations that don't get met. I secretly want my husband to turn into some sweet-talking romantic that will tell me that I am the best thing that has ever happened to him and the whole rest of that romance novel that I used to read years ago. But I have a man that puts effort in and trys but he will always keep much of his thoughts and emotions to himself and I will have to try and guess what they really are.

Your husband is not doing the right thing. I can't tell you how much I wish he would. I truely beleive that he will end up on the losing side of things. You will end up with the happiness that your deserve.

Take care, my friend <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Cathy

Thank you for these words they mean so much.

Yes I guess maybe that is just it,I keep thinking surely he will change now and I keep feeling less and less important.

I know what the A was,an ego boost,a fantasy that in a way he fulfilled,but I look at it like this.............He was able to meet the needs of someone else,make her feel ontop of the world,he was willing to risk EVERYTHING just for a moment in time w/her.
I want someone to love me like that.

This is the part that I struggle with daily,he loved her enough(or thought he did)to push me and the kids aside to do what she wanted.She wanted to meet him,spend time with him and he gave her that wish.But when it comes to me he cant do it.............WHY??? Is it just because it ME!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ginger,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> This is the part that I struggle with daily,he loved her enough(or thought he did)to push me and the kids aside to do what she wanted.She wanted to meet him,spend time with him and he gave her that wish.But when it comes to me he cant do it.............WHY??? Is it just because it ME!!!!!!!!!!!!
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You know that this is a big issue with me too. But, the OW are like a new toy to a kid, or a new power tool or gun to those grown up boys. We are the old toys the one that are used and worn out. They know that when the newness of their new toy wears off then they still have the old one.

They feel like they have to make a good impression with them, they want to be likeable to these women. What other woman would want them when they have been out all day working or playing hard and they come home all stinky? What other woman is going to want them when they go off on one of their tyraids? When they come home, plop in front of the TV and not say a word all night? They know that they don't have to impress us because we already have seen them at their worst and we still love them.

The fact of the matter is that they are lucky we want them after all of this. I doubt they even think about how much we would like them to shower and brush their teeth before they kiss us, or that we would like flowers, or to be told that we are beautiful and they desire us and can't get us off of their minds. We are comfortable. We are the ones that have always been there for then and they can't imagine that we wouldn't because it is outside the scope of their vision. We have always been their safety nets.

Your husband doesn't treat you badly because he doesn't care for you but because he does and he feels safe doing it. Does he treat you worse than he did before or does he treat you the same and you just need more because of the affair? I can't settle for being treated like I used to be treated because now it just isn't enough. When I knew I was the only one I was okay with less. I wasn't the happiest but I felt safe. Now, things have changed and okay is no longer okay because now I feel the need to feel special because I no longer feel that way because I am no longer the only one. Does any of this sound familiar?

Take care and do not settle, you deserve better.

Cathy

It all sounds familiar.
Yes like most women here I settled because I thought that was all he could give.
I use to go places and see the couples together and long for that type of a relationship,I prayed daily that God would open his eyes,help him change and still nothing.I waited and waited I could not even tell you how many years I prayed this prayer.

I know it is up to my H to want to change,I know God has the power to help him along the way,I have see it done before for a very short time.But in the end it is up to my H to want to change and stay that way.

Yes he treats me the same as before the A,only now he only sees me a few times a month.

You see for me,I wanted him to change long before the A,it is just now I feel I deserve the change.

Ginger,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Yes like most women here I settled because I thought that was all he could give.
I use to go places and see the couples together and long for that type of a relationship,I prayed daily that God would open his eyes,help him change and still nothing.I waited and waited I could not even tell you how many years I prayed this prayer.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You know what? I could have written this statement myself. I spent 20 years in a relationship with someone who could not show affection, and could not speak it either. I wanted someone that would hold my hand in public or would put his arm around me or even cuddle with me on the couch. I always felt like I was missing something but thought that maybe I was not deserving of that kind of love. I prayed and prayed for many years too and with no results, things just got worse and worse. I completely understand you, Ginger. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I know it is up to my H to want to change,I know God has the power to help him along the way,I have see it done before for a very short time.But in the end it is up to my H to want to change and stay that way.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You are right, only he can change when he is ready. I just don't think that he gets that you will be out of his life if he doesn't. Right now he is getting the best of both worlds, single when he is by himself, married when he comes to see you and then there is his Mom taking care of him too. He sees no reason to change. You are still there for him when he wants you. But Ginger that is not fair to you, is it?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> You see for me,I wanted him to change long before the A,it is just now I feel I deserve the change.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You deserved the change before the affair and so did I. We both deserve to feel special. We both deserve stability and security. We both deserve someone that will do anything to help us have a happy and rewarding marriage. After the affair, a change is required because the other marriage fostered the affair and made it possible. That is something that can't happen again. For us to continue our marriages we have to see that change that we always knew was needed.

I can see that my husband is working toward that but I can see that yours is not. I think that your husband was not shaken up by all of these events in your life. I think he still doesn't believe that he will loose you and he hasn't figured out what losing you would really do to his life. Maybe you should do a plan B? I am not sure if you are ready for that though, are you? What are you thinking you should do? You can always e-mail me if you want to talk.

Cathy

Thanks.

I dont know what it will take.
He did send me an email yesterday telling me of the guilt,and admitting to me that he is not man enough to talk about what happened and what is happing.
I guess for him it is easier to let our M slip thru his fingers than to fight to save it.I really dont know.

We have not hardly spoken to each other at all over the last few days.The email was a real surprise,he does not email me often.

Ginger,
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> He did send me an email yesterday telling me of the guilt,and admitting to me that he is not man enough to talk about what happened and what is happing.
I guess for him it is easier to let our M slip thru his fingers than to fight to save it.I really dont know.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Do you think that he is feeling ashamed? He doesn't want to deal with things because he can't believe he did it himself? My husband likes to pretend things never happened. He says that he has to deal with the guilt, not from me but from himself. Maybe something similar is going on with your H.

I still think that he needs to face up to his actions and deal with them. What he is doing now is destroying what is left of your relationship. He needs to face his fears and deal with his problems. I know that this doesn't help you much.

Cathy

That sounds just like my H.
He wants to act like this never happened and that we should just pick up were we left off before the A.

I can't.

What he has done basically is remove me from his everyday life so that he does not have to deal with it daily,he comes to see me once or twice a month and wants it to be like a weekend visit with the kids of a divorced couple,nothing but fun.

I can not have fun with anger,hurt,and now much resentment in me.He had all the tools before him to make this right and he chose not to use them.He has not even called me once today.This makes about 3 days of little or no contact at all.

Yesterday I went to my sons house,while visiting w/my DIL she began to tell me how my S and her stopped by my SIL(H's sister)on holloween.
She said my SIL asked about me,how I was doing she told her fine,she also asked if my SIL knew why H and I seperated.

My SIL said YES,my MOM(my MIL)told me that Ginger needed some space!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Not only was I blown away by this comment but so was my DIL.She told me that she told my SIL what happened about the A,and she(SIL) knew NOTHING of it.
My MIL tired to make it seem as if it was "I" that had done something wrong NOT my "H".I could not believe this,,,,there my MIL trying to cover up for her son.She could not even tell her own D that her brother cheated on ME.

I do not expect my MIL to disown her son over this,but to try and cover it up.........is it me or is there something wrong here!!!!!!!

I guess that really shows me where I stand in their eyes.

This is not a good week for me it marks the 2yrs since he left on his trip to meet her.It is hard enough to push all these feelings down,try to keep them under control and then to hear something like this. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

It sounds like she's saving her own face at your expense. It doesn't surprise me given what you've told us about them.

It's always easier to blame the IL than take a stand against their own. My ILs do it with me and also did it when my BIL and his wife were having problems. Everything was her fault. The point is they do it. It's not right, but they do it anyway. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />