Hi, I am new to this sight. I'm not exactly sure what to say, except to tell my story. It's kind of long, but here it goes:
I am a thirty-three year old mom of three beautiful girls. I married my high school sweetheart, and have been with him for about 16 years. My H and I had/have an unusual relationship. We are both very independent people who are different, but seemed to be tighter than most of the couples we knew. Everybody thought so too. We were best friends who told each other everything—or so I thought.

The A started out innocent enough, as I guess most bad things do. My H was not happy at his job, and complained often about how much he hated it. I felt like I was being supportive at the time, but looking back I know I kind of thought that he was just whining, and that he should have been happy to even HAVE a job when so many people didn’t. He finally found a friend in a girl at work. I should have known something was up when he started talking about her more and more to me. It seemed like a high school crush to me. Instead of confronting him with my fears, I asked him to stop talking about her. What a fool! Guess what—he did. Then she told him that she found him attractive. He says he wasn’t sure what to do, but did not want to lose his only friend at work, so told her that it was ok, but that he was married, and could not do anything. I've gotten to read the letter, and although I do believe that he THOUGHT he was trying to tell her that nothing could happen, the letter basically said you are what is making me happy, I want you too, but I'm married. After that he claims that she started really talking to him about all her fantasies. Now at this point most people would say, ok, I’m married, I need to stop, but my husband is different. I always knew he wanted to have sex with other women. We both had only been with each other. He was ashamed of it, I was proud. We were open and honest about our feelings. I guess I should have left before I got hurt, because deep down I knew it would happen eventually. I just hoped that our love was strong enough to help him avoid temptation. So, when she started telling him these things he says he did not really respond, but ignored it. Anyway, after this letter, it was about a week later that she showed up to a movie that he mentioned he was going to see, and kissed him. He says he resisted for a minute but then kissed her back. Well, that’s when everything really changed. Again, HE says this is true, so take it all with a grain of salt. He says he decided that he had already crossed the line, and knew that this might be his only chance to get experience with another woman. Basically, He just thought that this was his chance to get the experience he felt he needed and I would never have to know.
I won’t go into all the gory details about the affair, but it became a PA without any guilt. And after the first time, it began to turn EA. It’s funny (not ha, ha funny, but ironic funny) that during this time I joked with him that I should be worried because he was showing a lot of the cheating spouse signs. He was working out, he changed his email password. He got a new email account that I actually found out about by accident, but didn’t question too hard. He talked about a female coworker, and he started to go out every Saturday night. Now everything seems to glare at me, but at the time, here was the man that I had known half my life, who had always been open and honest, and who was supposed to love me more than life itself.
So it lasted until the beginning of December. Then she came to her senses and ended it. Yes, that’s right, SHE ended it. He says it took him three days to get over it, but still talked to her. Just not as much, and without any flirting or kissing.
By about December 15th, I guess his guilt had really caught up to him. He began to act very anxious. He told me that it was because of the new job ahead. I got a little suspicious when I found her work number on his cell phone. He told me December 19th. He was crying, so naturally my first instinct was to comfort him, then I realized what he had said. My whole world ended in that moment, but to my surprise I did not get up and walk away. I just wasn’t sure what to do. I was so shocked by the news that I couldn’t even think.
Since then, we have had many talks and he wants to stay married. I can't believe that I want to, but I feel like I made a committment to stand by him forever, and that I should not scar my children's life with divorce. I still see him as my best friend, but am so torn on what to do. I know its only been two weeks and that it will take time, but its so confusing.
Any advice or comments would be welcome.

When you said that the Affair reached to a physical one, do you mean that they just kissed or did they actually get to the point of having sex?

Welcome to marriagebuilders. It is a great place to be under the circumstances. You can go on and have a marriage that was much better than before. Please read the information here. It will really help you.

Yes, it actually reached the point of sex twice. The whole affair lasted about a month. The really troubling part fo me is that he and she planned to go to a hotel the first time, it wasn't just a spontaneous thing. I dont if that really makes a difference in the end, though.

Dearest truetoself....

First let me tell you- you are NOT alone!!! I am somewhat in your shoes- though I have only known my husband 7 years. He truly is my best friend. I never thought he would betray me. And he has. TWICE! Now, the first time was nothing physical- but it was an inappropriate "friendship" that he carried on for a year without me knowing. He never told me b/c he told me he knew I would tell him he could not have her as a friend- so he KNEW it was wrong and did it anyway... just hoped I wouldn't find out. That was July '04 when I found that one. The latest I found on Dec. 18, 2004. This one went as far as kissing- "makeout" kissing- in a parking lot- at a shopping mall. Funny (or not so funny) thing... the week before I "found out"... we were supposedly intesely working on our marriage!! HA! Now... do you feel better? Here I am with TWO major trust violations and I am still trying to make this work- and I only have dogs- no human kids!!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> Bottom line- I love him. I WANT to grow old with him. I feel so STUPID at times... and HE is the one who did wrong!!! He also says he wants to stay married- so I put the condition on him that IF I was even going to give this a TRY he MUST go into therapy weekly to find out what the hell is wrong with him that he keeps needing to stray.

Your situation is different than mine b/c you both have only been with each other... but it's still infidelity. And it still hurts the heck out your heart!!! I would HIGHLY suggest he seek individual therapy. Just my take on things. And in the mean time- please feel free to post here- contact me privetly- WHATEVER--- I will do ANYTHING I can to help/ support you. Though I have my reaqlly tough days too!!

Please know- hang in there. Time heals all wounds- and your marriage my be unbreakable after all this... that which does not kill you will only make you stonger. Hugs from Texas!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

DogMom-- thanks for the words of encouragement. I will continue to post and thank all who offer advice. I am one of those people who is always searching for different perspectives and new information. Hang in there in your own situation. I believe things happen for a reason and it is our job to figure out why. I know that can be hard, but it's how I have to live through some of the bad things in my life.
Thanks again!

Dear T,
I replied to your other post but just ran across this one and now know more of your details. My wife's A lasted at least 12 months. We moved out of town which ended the PA. (3 yrs ago). Phone records showed they continued talking to some degree. Emails too I believe. 2004 was less contact until about Sept/Oct. Phone and email contact escalated. One late Nov morning, alone in my house, I stumbled across a log of an AIM conversation they had the night before. (Thank goodness for internet filters). I've never screamed and cried so loud in all my life. My dog rushed downstairs thinking I was dying. To some degree I wish that were the case. The words of that AIM conversation are branded in my memory. As much as I try, and as many positive things that are now coming about from this whole experience, I can't keep from thinking about their words. I get knots in my stomach when I contemplate what they did over the course of that year. Things she wasn't even willing to do with me...her H! I know I'm not innocent as I helped create the environment of our marriage. But as many opps as I might have had over the years I never would have considered acting upon any of them. Now that whole "evening the playing field" thing haunts me. Whoever blogged "time heals wounds" better be right because my wound is still open and tender.

Rocked,
That "even the playing field" thing is a killer isnt it. You feel like a jerk for even thinking it, and at the same time you are obsessed with it. As for my H and me, he DIDN'T do anything with her that he hasnt with me. In fact, I asked him how a man whose wife is so open could possibly want something with someone else. I guess that may be too much information, but that is a gnawing question in my mind. In fact, we have talked and discussed how bad he would feel if I did act out my obsession and do some of the things he thinks are 'Just His'. I told him that he should have thought of that before, when he gave away what was mine.

Dear T,
Yeah, I get a similiar response from my wife when it comes up about "what if I do this...". She says tho that she realizes that it might have to be a consequence she'll have to face. More a humble admission of reality than a "go ahead and do it" statement. I told her I'm not seeking it, but she had better be be praying for me cuz if the opp arises I don't know what I would do. Funny how 19 years of fidelity can suddenly be rethought. How do you handle it?

Dont know that I am handling it. I talk to my H about it, but that gets me mad too, because even after all this, he says that I SHOULD do it, so that I can have the experience. He says that he would not like me to do it like him, where there is an actual friendship involved, but just the sex part. I tell you, you would think that he could see how this could hurt us further. Anyway, I guess you just have to be true to yourself, and hope that you realize in time not to become like them.

The whole evil idea of us ever doing what our WS did would be to even the field. For your husband to suggest limits (i.e. no friendship etc.) totally shows he doesn't realize how much hurt he caused you. Also shows he doesn't realize men usually have an A for sexual fulfillment and women for emotional fulfillmment. I would think, since you're a women, that an A for you would be incomplete w/o the emotional, friendship bond. For me, a one-time fling wouldn't even measure up to the 12+ months of physical and emotional pleasure she recvd. Sorry to rant on & on.

No, you are ok to rant on. Yes, my H is a little off. He's not really setting limits, as much as I asked him what would really hurt him. It wasn't just emotinal stuff that he said would hurt, there were acts that would hurt if I did them too. No, he knows he has hurt me, but I guess any WS doesnt appreciate the magnitude, because it hasnt happened TO them. They are just the cause. He tells me that it hurts him to see me cry, and get angry, but I almost want to say, You deserve it!
As for me wanting the emotional as well, I dont know. I guess part of me thinks that I deserve better, more emotional committment, but to be honest, before this I thought he was TOTALLY emotinally committed to me even if he desired the sexual part with others.

Obviously the word "totally" would not apply based on his actions. Are you reading any of the books mentioned on this site? My W and I are reading Dr.Phil's "Relationship Rescue". I know it's not an MB book, but it is very straight forward and ha sbeen helpful. Am curious if you've found anything good.

Yes, I have been reading a lot. I do not have the books listed on the site, but have read as much of the site as I can. I would like to get the books, I just haven't. I bought a book called Surviving Infidelity, it helped a little, and a book called Not Just Friends, which was about word for word an account of my H's affair. They started out as innocent friends. Of course, my H realizes now that he was sending her signs that he wanted more, especially in the fact that he told her it was ok for her to have feelings for him. I do believe him when he says he would not have made the first move. He's just not that bold. Heck, even back in high school I was he one who made the moves then. It's funny because people told HIM not to date me, because I was "loose". They were sure I would cheat on him. I wasn't loose, trust me, but I did have a lot of guy friends. As I stated before he was my one and only.
Anyway, look whose ranting now. Sorry.

I'm changing your name to truetoRant. Ha. When do you actually make the move? I guess it means your posting to this site will stop briefly. I have enjoyed getting things off my chest as part of my anxiety I think has been not having many people to share with who have "been there". I feel we share similiar hurts. Thanks for "loosely" caring. Ooh...bad joke!

yeah, that was a bad joke! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> The movers come to the house tomorrow, but I am already here, because my family lives in the same state. My H is alone at our old house. Well, actually, his mom felt kind of sorry for him, and came down to help out. I actually think she didn't trust him to be alone. Neither did I, to be honest, but I didnt really care at the time I made my plans to leave.
It has been tough, epecially today when the OW contacted us.

I think you said earlier that all the contact #'s and email would be changing with the move, right? What I do in my situation to monitor the possibility of further contact is check my W's cell phone usage/record monthly (she pays the bills so I was a real dope to not be looking at the bills. Same goes for home line). I cancelled her AIM account. Her email address is still the same because so many family members, etc. have it. I programmed it to come up as my Homepage on my pc so I see her emails before she even does. I also gave her her own login and password on my pc (she had no access to my pc for a few weeks). With CyberSitter this allows me to read a daily log of every site she goes to. I do this for my 3 kids too. This sounds heavy-handed, but I'm done being made the fool. Oops, look who is ranting now!

you'll have to tell me more about the cybersitter thing. It does make you feel like an overprotective parent to one more child, doesn't it? I am checking the phone bills now. I can't beleive that I didn't do that before. He even sat down with me during the affair, and asked me if indiviual calls came up on the bill. On our paper bill they don't but on the internet I can get them. I didn't even think of conversation. I was suspicous during the time of the affair, but guess I was in denial. I also have changed passwords, and computer access. The one place that still worries me is work. I cannot get access to that site, and that is where most of the communication, and after sex kissing and talking took place. It sickens me to think of him talking to her at his parents house at Thanksgiving, while I was in the next room, but I guess he did that at night while I was upstairs asleep, too. He found all kinds of ways to erase what he was doing. I couldn't believe what a liar he CAN be.

Check out www.cybersitter.com. It's a one-time fee. You, as the Administrator, can set the filter level, adjust the times Internet access is available on your pc, can program it to block any websites you want, and you can set it up where someone else receives a daily email report of all the activity on your pc. Typically a close friend who knows your situation and is open to helping with accountability.

Does your move mean your husband will NOT be working at the same place anymore...i.e. not around the OW?

Yes, we are moving to a whole new state, and he is in a completely new job. Thank heaven for small miracles.