Mike if you want it to work, carry on with plan A. Believe me it is easier when you are nice to them. Remember plan a is about you becomming a better person. If she rings be really friendly, I know they cant understand it but as I told other people today they have the problem not us.<P>It is them that cant think straight. By being nice you dont give them any reason to justify the affair.<P>keep it together, we are here for you

If she leaves to see the OM she is basically telling you that if she finds that her relationship with the OM is positive she will divorce you. In my opinion you will be foolish to accept this disrespectful behaviour by your wife. Of course, you cannot control her decision to see this OM. You can only control what you will accept. If it is her intention to develop a relationship with another man than give that choice to do so as a soon to be ex-wife.

Mike<P>I can sympathise with you as I am in so similar a situation. My W leaves on 28th Dec for a week to be with the OM (2000 miles away).<P>All I can say is that I have been in Plan A for 4 months now and it seems to have had some effect. We certainly enjoy many outings together although we occupy separate bedrooms at home. My 12yr old D is as happy that we are getting along OK.<P>I believe Plan A is by far the best advise if you still have love for your W. It certainly makes you feel much better about yourself and over a time gives you a feeling of some control of the relationship. Plan B certainly relinquishes all control and leaves your relationship totally in the lap of your W.<P>Given, it is difficult to see your W leave for another man for a period of fantasy, but after a time you become less affected by it believe me. My W has now had 3 visits in the past 2 months.<P>There will no doubt come a time that I will move to Plan B and if my W leaves to be with the OM permanently that is what will certainly happen, there will be no further Plan Aing then. <P>However, whilst she is content to stay at home I can ride this out a little longer. Morally I feel very content. If it doesn't work out then at least I will know I did my very best. This is important at least for my D sake to know I tried. The longer Plan A goes the more my W can see the changes for the better in me and hopefully realise they are there for good.<P>I feel My W is certainly worth every bit of effort to save our marriage and although I have contemplated Plan B many times Plan A seems to be working so why quit.<P>I guess the other side is that if she was so darn sure that the OM was the one she would have left to be there now. She is still at home.<P>Hope this gives you at least some inspiration.

Wide Mike<P>Give us an update on where you are at!

She's leaving today. Merry freaking Christmas!

W is gone, and you know what? I have lost my anger and I think I have totally regained my self-respect. I feel a complete release and my disposition has changed to almost complete calm. She is responsible for her own behavior, and I can only control mine. Saying it is one thing, but now I really feel it. I simply refuse to display any more anger. It is destructive.<P>Gave her hugs and kisses when she left and told her that I loved her. She seemed to be a nervous wreck as she was leaving. I guess I would be too, if I were her. But, hey, she doesn’t like flying and maybe that’s why she was so nervous. What I am left with now, I guess is a feeling of amazement at the power of the emotions and feeling she apparently gets from the OM. I guess what troubles me most is that she thinks that in this month’s time she is going to learn enough about the OM to decide between us. My opinion is that she really wants to bask in the feeling she gets and she will learn very little. That fog must be really warm and comfortable.<P>Oh well, even it she picks him, I’ll not feel second class, because now I know I’m not. I have been changing and I know W sees it. I feel pretty good about myself now. I know there are plenty of women out there who would love to have a man like me. But I won’t make the same mistake OM is making. His divorce is not even final yet and he’s already offered to marry my wife! He’s even going to take W to see his family! Seems to me like he is the desperate one, not me.<P>Believe it or not, we had a wonderful Christmas eve. Her family came over and I really helped clean the house prepare the dinner, etc., unlike the way things were in the past. It used to be that I didn’t help out much with these kinds of things, because I would get criticized for all the little wrong things I did. I decided to let her criticize me if she wanted to, but I was going to help anyway. It was actually kind of fun. <P>Set conditions for her return. Basically said that I will no longer tolerate the affair, and that if she wanted to come back, she must totally end it and commit to recovery process. I asked her to please move out if she couldn’t do that. No, I’m not going to file for divorce or separation. I suppose that time may come, but not yet. I don’t want our family to die yet. <P>Now I will concentrate on my son and stop worrying about W and what she is doing. I think my boy really needs me now that mom has left us. I read somewhere that the best a man can do for his kid is to love mom. Hope I get that chance, but if I don’t, I will have peace in knowing that I’ve done all I can to save our marriage. Stay tuned, all.

Merry Christmas...<P>Take care of you and your son.<P>My W has been gone 16 months...<BR>...and have I ever grown...<BR>...and grown so much closer to the kids...<BR>...and without them...<BR>......my life would not be.<P>You'll have hard days to come...<BR>You'll feel sad.. and hurt.. and even hateful times...<P>After 16 months... I've learn how to accept...<BR>...and move on.<P>I pray and hope your situation will turn out differently...<BR>...but if she doesn't come back...<BR>...know... your life can be good!!!<P>God Bless You<P> <P>Jim

Mike<P>I am so sorry that she has decided to still go after all you have been through and the progress you seemed to be making.<P>I do know how you feel (my W leaves in 4 days for a week with OM). I will use the time to enjoy my Ds company.<P>I believe you need to be strong and use the time effectively to enjoy the time with your S. By so doing it will distract you from the pain caused by her actions. Take time out to organise some good activities together. This will help take it of your Ss mind as well as he will no doubt be feeling very confused and insecure. You need to be strong for him. He will look back at this and be proud of you.<P>If she calls also be strong, talk with her if she asks to, and don't LB. I have been there before and I know it isn't easy.<P>Unfortunately much of the outcome is out of your control and that is a very uneasy and insecure feeling.<P>I believe all you can do is continue to Plan A and constantly let her know how much she means to you without sounding needy.<P>When she returns you can probably expect your relationship has taken a turn for the negative as she will have been discussing many issue with the OM to justify where they are at and she will be still reliving the fantasy of the past month. From experience it will take a few days to connect again with your W.<P>You mention the many conditions you have placed on her return, be carefull not to back yourself in to a corner where there is no way out. Don't forget you still have her at home at this stage and with that goes a certain amount of control over the situation.<P>I am only adding my 2 cents worth but we do have a lot in common.<P>Take care.<BR>Colin<P>

Hello to all,<P>Thought I'd give you all an update. She's still with the OM and has been since Xmas day. 19 days now, and I've been through every emotion one can imagine. Been through some I didn't even know I had!<P>I told her that I would not talk to her while she was gone, that it would hurt too much. But after she left, I decided that I could e-mail "news" reports to her. Stuff to let her know how I and S are doing. Mostly the e's are just news with very little about "us". She replied to a few of them. Said she was still confused, missed both of us terribly and thought she wasn't going to "find what she was looking for." Funny, I've asked her what it was she was looking for, and she was never able to articulate it to me. She even talked about coming home early.<P>Anyway, last week I decided that I'd had enough of doing these daily news reports and at the end of one said that it would be the last one. Low and behold, she called me the next morning. I was surprised I was able to talk to her without feeling extreme emotions. She asked questions like, do you think we can really live together, do you think it will work? I said, its up to you. It won't work as long as you continue your A. Then I said I still love you and hung up. Haven't talked to her since, but did decide to continue the news reports.<P>How am I feeling now? Actually, I feel quite normal, except my wife is gone. How will I treat her when she comes home (supposedly on Jan 28 if not sooner)? I will ask her if she wants a hug. Then I will give her one if she wants it. But, but, but....if she continues to IM or otherwise communicate with the OM, I will ask her to please leave my house and go do it somewhere else. Basically, I will continue with plan A, but I simply will not tolerate her carrying on her A in my house.<BR>I will be very friendly to her and very affectionate. But, I will also ask her to please go get checked for STD's.<P>After a little while, I will ask her to call one of the Harley's. I've had 2 sessions with Steve and he asked if she would talk to him (just before she left). She said she "couldn't" then. In one of me e's I suggested that she call Steve from OM's house, but she said no, that would be too "uncomfortable", maybe when I'm home. I will give her a little time, and then I will insist that she call.<P>Well, this is my "plan". Any comments or suggestions? And thanks to all for listening. This site and your support have been literal life savers.<P>PS S seems to be doing OK. Our relationship has improved tremendously, largely as a result of what I've learned here. To put it simply, I've learned to treat my S with RESPECT, and I've learned the difference between punishment and discipline. He needs the discipline, but no one should be subjected to punishment out of anger.<BR>