I'm new to the site, but have read most of the Harley stuff. W has been what I only recently learned to call an EA with OM over 1,000 mi away. She started it probably late 1999, but I didn’t realize the passion involved (and I don't think she did either) until get she took a vacation earlier this summer. She met the OM and they spent a week together culminating in a PA. I was devastated, but she came back and I thought she was ready to "pick up the pieces" and re-build our marriage. Of course, neither of us knew how until I stumbled across this site. Through MB learned of a local counselor who has helped somewhat. We had good discussions about what both of us were doing wrong and identified LB’s that both of us were committing.<P>W went to a couple of sessions, but said she didn't really believe that it would work and that she didn’t want to meet some of my EN’s. After reading both SAA and Dobson, I learned to "let go" and Plan A. It isn’t easy knowing that she spends hours each day communicating with him on the Internet. Plan A seems to be working, but now she plans to leave on Christmas day for a month to spend time with OM. She says she has to find out if the OM is her true soul mate.<P>I have told her that I won't be here when she gets back, and that I would cut myself off from her (basically Plan B). I don’t really want to do this as it would mean selling the house in a few months and extreme financial hardship. Am now having second thoughts. We have 16 yr old S. Am I premature with Plan B? Should I wait til she comes back and then Plan B? She and the OM plan to go skiing… I have little doubt that the A will intensify as a result of her going to see OM.<BR>

This is a tough one, and I'm probably not the best one to advise. Normally, you'd hear on MB that Plan A is the best approach. However, this concept of leaving for a month to be with OM is a bit much. I can understand you taking your position of not being here when she gets back. You can't tell if someone is your soulmate by going on vacation together for a month. She is in la la land (ie. the fog). Some questions:<P>Has she read SAA or HN/HN?<BR>She is leaving on Xmas day and you have a son? That is crazy.<BR>Did you see results from Plan A?<BR>Is the OM married, or has he ever been married?<BR>What does she envision for the future if she thought he was her soulmate? Moving there? <P>I can't really advise what to do, because part of me says Plan A, but part of me says you tell her to cut off all contact with him, and don't let her spend the money to go on vacation. Wait and see what the others have to say. You could post this in General Questions II to get more responses, but I suggested there that people look at your posting in this section, and help out.<P>Good luck.<P>

{{{Wide_Mike}}}...<P>When do you go to Plan B...<BR>...usually a $1,000 question.<P>You go when you come to a realization that you're love bank is being depleted below what can be recovered...<BR>...i.e. to protect you and your love for your spouse.<P>If this (Christmas) trip is building your anxiety beyond "normal" measure...<BR>If you find anger taking over...<BR>If LBs are becoming too frequent...<BR>...it is time.... time to prepare for Plan B...<P>That means...<BR>1. draft a Plan B letter<BR>2. work out logistics (of no contact)<BR>3. get your financial house in order<BR>4. protect yourself (if necessary) legally<BR>5. address custody issues in your mind and heart<BR>6. prepare children... morally, emotionally, spiritually!<P>THEN...<P>...if you can truly accept that this (complete loss of love) is the last step...<BR>...i.e. no turning back... and you can accept this means there is a possibility you will lose <B>all</B> love for your W.<P>If you can't accept this possiblity...<BR>...really accept it...<BR>...stay in Plan A longer!<P>I promise... there will come a time during Plan A... you will reach that point of acceptance... if the Taker(usually WS) never gives! The point of acceptance that you can let your love die... is the point to hand over the Plan B letter!<P>Do check out Jo's post and my reply to it in <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum28/HTML/005029.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B isn't for Wimps!</A> for a decent skeletal outline for a Plan B letter.<P>I hope that helped.<P> <P>Jim

Thanks for the quick replies. <P>Maybe I need to give a little more background. <P>We have been married for 22 years and have been together for 28. After S was born, I became a classic workaholic, worked 12-14 hour days and neglected her badly. Thought I was doing the right thing and giving her all she wanted with a nice house and letting her stay at home. Big mistake on my part was not listening to her when she told me she needed more attention. She began to grow more and more angry. At the time, I thought it was “the female thing” and later, maybe “the change” and usually just dealt with her anger by avoiding it. Her anger tended to push me even farther away. Compounding the problem was that I was lousy at conversation and tended to lecture.<P>About 2 years ago she started talking more and more seriously about how bad our marriage had become. I would try to change for a little while, but then revert back to old habits. I really didn’t know how to change and wasn’t even sure what was wrong. We talked about counseling but didn’t really do anything about it. Much of what I had heard about marriage counseling wasn’t encouraging. <P>I see now that she was starved for affection and conversation. When she discovered the “instant messaging” stuff on the Internet, she developed a lot of friends, both male and female. When she took her trip earlier this year she planned to see several friends, male and female. It blindsided me when she developed such a closeness to the OM during only a week together and then had a PA. I felt rejected, angry, resentful and humiliated. How could she do this to me? I have never felt such incredible hurt in my life. My world, the very one I was working so hard to create, was coming apart and I didn’t know what to do or how to stop it.<P>After the first PA and when she continued to tell me she wanted out of our marriage, I began to panic. I tried to reason with her (I am very good at winning arguments, just ask any of my remaining friends!). But it seemed the more I tried to convince her to stay, the more she wanted to go. She said she felt trapped, browbeaten and that I was suffocating her.<P>It wasn’t until, in a state of panic about two months ago that I stumbled across this site and read the books (HN/HN, SAA, LB and Dobson “Tough Love”) that a light went on. Finally I understood what I was doing wrong!!! I began to focus on myself and change the way I behaved. I stopped trying to lecture and reason with her. I just gave her conversations, hugs and kisses and stopped badgering her at every turn about her EA. I looked at myself and all I’ve done wrong and this helped me get over my anger at the A and lessen my resentment. I guess I was Plan A’ing. This seems to be working in multiple ways. I know she feels much better about being around me. I feel like I’m finally becoming a much better spouse. I’m gaining a little self-respect back by at least understanding what went wrong. Even my relationship with S is improving. I love this woman madly and want to spend the rest of my life with her.<P>In the meantime, though, she has only allowed me to meet some of her EN’s. She’s sleeping in a different room. Her EA seems to be intensifying. She says she has to know about the OM or it will bother her all her life. She seems to be really warming up to me lately. Yesterday said she felt “close” to me. She regularly tells me she loves me but sometimes says she is not in love with me. I think she has come some of the way back from withdrawal (which is where she was a few months ago).<P>Rick37, She knows about MB and some of the concepts. She knows that MB concepts say that recovery is not possible with an A going on and sometimes I think this is her major objection and why she didn’t want to continue counseling – it would prevent her from carrying on her A. I think what she doesn’t believe is 1. that I will change permanently, 2. that her love for me can return by following MB principles, 3. that choosing the OM based on instinct and passion is the wrong way to do it. I honestly fear for her future if she chooses to leave me and live the OM. As we all know, the odds are not good for a happy second marriage. A little I know of the OM, recently divorced or separated, think it was long term marriage, but not sure. OM has kid or kids, but I think old enough to be out of the house. I think her vision of the future is to move in with the OM and then ask S to join them after school year. I’m not sure how clear all of this is in her head.<P>NSR, I think you hit the nail on the head. Will there be enough love left in me to survive her going to see the OM for a month? Right now I think there is, but how do I know? If I Plan B when she leaves, have I burned a bridge? Can I trust her to make the right choice when she is full of passion for the OM? MB says that WS is not to be trusted emotionally. I think Rick37 is right in that no way can one month be enough time to decide that someone is your soul mate. Biggest fear and what I consider to be most likely outcome is that she will get even closer to the OM, come back and say she want to divorce and live with the OM. That is what I am preparing myself for right now. Can the fog be lifted in time? If not, a lot of damage to me, S and probably her will be done.<BR>

Wide_Mike,<P>It is not going to be <B>what</B> she does as much as how you react(feel) about it(the month with the OM).<P>I'll be honest..<BR>...this month will most likely be a "fantasy" month...<BR>...no problems<BR>...no "real world" realities<BR>...just fun... passion... sex...<BR>.....and of course <B>it's just a lie</B>!<P>How long you can hold on to the level of love you need for your W...<BR>...it's up to you.<P>The fact that she knows about MB concepts... and still rejects them means that the fog is really thick. That of course makes your decision of when to Plan B that much harder...<P>...I'd say...<BR>...start drafting the letter...<BR>...do the preliminaries... (things I mentioned in my last reply)<BR>...and do the best Plan A as possible in the mean time.<P>If you do Plan A... <B>for you</B>...you really will know when it's time for Plan B...<P> <P>Jim

Mike - although I can't claim a success story, I have one question: You've been together 28 years. What's a month?<P>If she's seen changes in you, keep it up, stay with Plan A, offer her a changed husband to come back to.<P>WAT

WAT: She has seen a lot of changes in me. Last few days have been getting better and better. She seems much more comfortable with me. Last night she even initiated conversation about our relationship. She hasn't done this before because, of course, I would lecture, badger, browbeat. Stopping that is the best thing I've done. Told her she would have to make up her own mind on this one, but I would be happy to give advice about anything else. Have been really trying to eliminate LB’s and that also seems to be working. She is now beginning to admit doubts to me about going to see OM. I resist the temptation to jump for joy and just tell her she must make up her own mind.<P>WAT: It’s not the month that bothers me. I’d wait as long as I had to. It’s how I might feel toward her when (if?) she leaves and when (if?) she comes back. My fear is that my love for her will diminish too much to continue A’ing. She knows about B and I think it scares her. Scares me too. She has often said she wants to remain my friend even if we divorce.<P>Jim:<P>Thanks again for the advice. One step I have been contemplating is to investigate legal separation. Seems the best way to protect myself and get finances in order. I worry that this is a big step though and could be a bad signal about how badly I want to remain her husband. Anybody else file for separation while A’ing?<P>Mike

OM called here late last night. Phone only rang once, and I thought it may have been the S talking to his friends. W was downstairs on the Internet (probably IM'ing the the OM, but I never know for sure). Since it was late, I was going to yell at S to get to bed. I picked up and called his name several times. Voice I heard was unfamiliar male, but I still thought it was S talking to a friend. When nobody answered after quite a long time, it gradually dawned on me that it was not S but W and OM.<P>I asked W about the call this morning in a non-confrontational way. She angrily admitted that it was OM and said he was disconnected from the Internet and that was the reason he called. I told her I wasn't angry, which I think surprised both her and me. Her anger disappeared and she asked how I did feel. I said disappointed and sad and maybe a little empty. This after a very good day of communication where we both realized some things about each other. Amazing the new things you can find out about each other even after 28 years!<P>Here's the issue. I was surprised at my own reaction to the call. Would have expected to be angry, resentful etc. But anger only lasted a few seconds or so and then deep sadness set in and is still there. Could this be the beginnings of my own withdrawal? She seems exceptionally chipper and even affectionate today, but I can no longer tell if this is because I am not angry anymore, and not confronting her or because we are making some progress or because she is anticipating meeting the OM on Xmas day.<P>I have been telling myself that I must let go and prepare for life without her, but maybe because of the progress we've made, haven't really believed that these next few weeks will be our last together. Maybe the sadness I feel is from the realization that what I have been trying to prepare myself for is really going to happen. Could this be the signal that I'm ready for B?<p>[This message has been edited by Wide_Mike (edited December 01, 2000).]

Mike - Your reaction without anger is not surprising. I usually reacted that way and for me, it was the start of depression. Depression is just anger turned inwardly. Look for other symptoms like sleeplessness, weight gain or loss, anxiety attacks. If you can identify with these, get to a doc for consideration of anti-depressants. It's a strength to go for help.<P>About the legal separation. My wife and I agreed to a legal separation on her insistance, although I didn't think it was necessary. Turns out, I was generally pleased with her proposal on how to share continuing expenses, etc., but she's never signed it. It can be a good thing to protect your finances and nail down stuff like custody, but it also carries with it a flavor of finality. I'm sure this contributed to my depression. It can't hurt to get the advice of a lawyer for any particular twists in your State.<P>WAT

Mike,<P>No it is NOT a sign you're ready for Plan B...<P>It's a sign that you're understanding the real meaning of Plan A!<P>Does that mean you don't protect yourself?...<BR>NO WAY...<P>Do look into a separation... or at least get the advice of an attorney, as <B>WAT</B> suggested! Emphasize to the attorney that you don't want a divorce... but that you need to protect yourself!<P>I usually make the recommendation of finding a <B>good</B> attorney. A good place to start off is at the <A HREF="http://lawyers.martindale.com/marhub/form/by.html" TARGET=_blank>Martindale-Hubbell Lawyer Search</A> site. Do a search within your county... look for only "family law" specialists(>80% in divorce/custody/etc.)... make sure they do a lot of "family law committee work"... if they know the judges all the better... You can normally find a few that will give initial counseling free of charge.<BR><A HREF="http://www.uslaw.com" TARGET=_blank>USLaw.com</A> (an alternative search site)<P>You are in my thoughts and prayers.<P> <P>Jim

Don't know if I can make it through the next three weeks. Had a really good weekend with her. We went shopping and I actually enjoyed it! (I must be mad!) We've been working around the house, putting up Xmas tree and lights and sort of just pretending that things are normal. Feels like a death sentence to me though. How will I survive her being gone a month knowing she's with OM? How will I feel when she comes back? How will she feel when she comes back? <P>Wish this nightmare would end. This would be easier if I didn't love her so much. I don't think I can be here when she gets back. What should I tell the S? Dad had to leave? Why did he have to leave? Will he understand? Will he hate me?<P>Jim, you said you didn’t think I was ready for B yet. W says I should just “let it play out”. Says she is going to look at him with a “critical eye”. I don’t believe she can. She knows about B and said if I do that, she will file. What would you do?<BR>

How much separation does it take to "file" ? In my state it takes 2 years of physical separation in order to file for divorce. If both parties agree, it can be reduced to as little as 6 months.<P>If she is disrespecting you severely, I'd go with B. Shut her off, and start making yourself unavailable. Get out and browse around. Improve yourself and make yourself marketable.

She wants you to let it play out. What this means is she wants to see if she can make a future with the OM. If not she may come back to you. In other words you are her second choice in this game she is playing. In my opinion turn this game around and tell her that if she goes to the OM YOU will file and do it if she does. Stop letting her manipulate you into condoning her behaviour. This will only increase the disrespect that she has for you already. Otherwise she would not be having this affair. Doormats get only stepped on. I would recommend that you read Dr.J.Dobson's book "Love must be Tough". I am sorry that you find yourself in this situation.

Hi Mike...<P>Everyone is different...<BR>...and when it's time to move to Plan B will be different for everyone.<P>My D-day was 20 months ago...<BR>My W moved out 15+ months ago...<BR>...and I'm still in a Plan A.<P>The courts and and my W too...<BR>...have put constraints on me...<BR>...which make it look like Plan B...<BR>...and when she signs the papers...<BR>...I will shortly move formally there<P>But for now (at least a few more days maybe)...<BR>...I <B>choose</B> to be in Plan A!<P>How you're going to feel each one of those days she is gone... I don't know.<P>Odds are... it will drain your Love Bank!<P>My W's been living with the OM for 15+ months...<BR>...and mine is just now very low!<P>For others it could take a week or two or less...<P><B>We are all different</B>.<P>NOW....<P>I will tell you...<BR>...in most cases... <BR>this <B>“critical eye”</B> and <B> “let it play out”</B>...<BR>is a lie... <P>She deep in the fog here...<BR>...and the next 30 days whe will turn into a happy fanatsy land...<BR>...escaping all responsibility and the real world.<P><B>What to do?</B>...<BR>Prepare for the worst...<BR>...and Plan A through it all!<P>Protect yourself legally...<BR>...see a lawyer that is at the sites I mentioned earlier...<BR>...to see what can be done legally!<P>E-mail me if you'd like...<BR>...I can't promise to get back right away...<BR>...but I'll do my best.<P>You hang tough...<BR>...stick to Plan A...<P> <P>Jim<BR>I<BR>

Hi, Mike.<P>I don't write a lot around here anymore, but I popped in here for a sec. Usually when I lurk, I don't say anything, but when I hear Plan A being compared to being a doormat, well......<P>I'll just say that if anyone thinks that doing a real and effective Plan A is being a doormat, then they truly haven't "gotten it" and leave it at that.<P>I have to echo Jim's sentiments. I stayed in Plan A then entire time after d-day, even for months while my H was living with PT and after he came home again and continued to "see" her (as friends, of course ). <P>I have never once compromised myself or my values. I have never once lied to him. I have grown stronger and wiser and more sure of myself.<P>And now, a couple of years into this mess, after he's been home almost a year.....<P>I rarely think of the affair. We are happy, we have learned. My husband brags about how strong I was, how I stood by my committments when the easy thing to do would be to walk away. He is amazed. And very much in love, I might add. We both are.<P>Once Robert learned of Plan B, he told me that he intentionally did things just before and during our separation hoping I'd get angry or fed up enough and I'd do just what Plan B dictates....and make it easier for him to walk away. He's also very glad that I was strong enough not to. Me, too. It sure wasn't the easy road to travel.<P>You have to decide what's best for you. But I don't believe that Plan B is to teach anyone a lesson or as payback or punishment for any action. It's to protect ourselves. Once we realize we aren't loving anymore. Once we know that divorce may be the final outcome and we're pretty much ok with that. Plan B, according to Harley, helps to prepare us for divorce. Every now and then, it brings a ws "to their senses", but that's not it's purpose and it's not very often. More often, it relieves them....while they're in the fog.<P>Your choice. Do what's best for you. <P>Hang in there...<P>Love and prayers,<P>Lori

Lori: Thanks for the encouragement. Glad to see your happy relationship with H. I admire your strength in keeping with A. Hope I can do the same and W and I can have the same wonderful outcome that you guys have. I think I agree with you about A/B. Read on:<P>Went to counselor (by myself, of course) last night and feel much stronger today. Last few days with W have been very good. Today we’ll have a date and go to lunch. Sunday we’ll have another date and go to a dinner play. Name of the play is, (get this), “I love you, your perfect, now change.” How appropriate, eh? Result of all this is I know she is beginning to feel a lot better toward me, but she is STILL planning to go see OM on Xmas day for a month.<P>When I told counselor that I would leave home when W got back from her trip to see OM, he said, why are YOU leaving? He said, first, SHE is leaving you and S, therefore why should you give up the comfort of home? Second, and most important, consider what you are doing to 16 yr old S. First mom will be gone for a month. Then she comes back and then dad leaves. Way too destabilizing for him. I agreed and have changed my mind about leaving. Instead, I will ask her not to return home if she leaves me, unless certain conditions are met.<P>As I see it there are three probable scenarios (OK, yes, I’m an engineer and I think this way):<BR>…1. She leaves and comes back and decides that OM is not for her (least likely?)<BR>……1A. result could be she wants to return home and try to make our marriage work, or<BR>……1B. she sill wants to separate from me.<BR>…2. She leaves and comes back and decides that she wants to continue with the A.<BR>…3. She leaves and comes back but still can’t decide what to do.<P>I’ve come to view her leaving as a “line” that she is crossing (Tough Love?). Basically, by leaving, she is choosing OM over me, no matter what she feels afterward.<P>I’ve decided not to B, but instead to make her return home (if she wants to) HIGHLY, HIGHLY conditional. Per counselor’s advice, will put this in the form a “contract” and ask her to sign it. It will say basically that if she want to return home, she must:<P>…Agree to end the A and never to communicate with OM ever again<BR>…Agree to take drastic steps that insure no contact<BR>…Report to me any accidental contact or attempt by OM to contact W<BR>…Participate enthusiastically with me in MB recovery program<P>Other possible outcomes: <P>I will also take Jim’s advice and protect myself financially and other ways. Need to learn more about legal aspects of separation and need to find attorney that understands that I don’t want a divorce, but do need to protect myself and S.<P>Please comment. I thank you all for your support and prayers. This forum is one of the things that is keeping me going day by day and hour by hour. <P>Mike<BR>

Wide_Mike:<P>You sound like such a nice guy. You're willing to let your wife go off, indulge in an affair and see how she likes it, so that she can be sure about her feelings. SHeesh. Way too nice.<P>Your 16 year old son, now. What does HE think Mom is doing, going away from home for 3 weeks? Does he have an inkling that Mom is doing the nasty with another man? Let's hope not. But he's got to be picking up the tension between you two, and showing the stress in some way.<P>What if you C) file legal separation based on the affair, have her move out because she is cheating? Would that wake her up? Or are you afraid that would push her further away from you.<P>I agree with your counselor about not leaving home when your wife comes back. It would hurt your son.<P>I'm sorry. Affairs are so painful.<P><BR><P>------------------<BR>Belle, Domestic Goddess

Bad day yesterday. W and I went out to lunch and tried to discuss our relationship and her pending month long trip to see OM. She told me yesterday that OM asked her to marry her even though divorce from his own 20 year marriage is not final yet.<P>Made a big mistake and tried to reason with her about all that will be lost. LB's big time. Today, just trying to keep and even keel and not react to what she does and says out of anger. God, it's hard. I want to shake her and say "Look at what you're doing for God's sake!!"<P>W is adamant about "finding out" about him and is determined to leave me and S on Xmas day. She displayed an incredible amount of anger toward me about my past rejections. I think she reads some of these posts, and told me she resents them. I can feel the anger rising in me. OK for her to talk to OM every damn day, discuss our personal life with him, but not OK for me to seek support that I desparately need. Today I feel as though I can't continue and it's all I can do not to LB and/or withdraw.<P>Getting closer to B?<P>

Mike, yesterday sounds like a bad day for both of us. I also pleaded with WH to look at what he is doing. It made him angry too, and kept saying why do you keep draging stuff up from the past, I thought we were over this. I told it we cant be over it till he gives up OW.<P>Anyway I really feel for you. WS leaving on Xmas Day. Email me if you need.<P>Believe me when I tell you I know how sometimes the anger just builds up. I find it is about once a week and usually on the weekend. Somedays I think is it all worth it. (normal feeling I hope) I just hate the rejection.<P>Dont leave the house it is the probably the worst decision I made although we needed space cos we kept fighting. If I stayed at least we would be in the same town. You are one up on me because you are still together.<P>Remember these affairs dont last that long they just feel like it for us.<P>Hold on to what you have, people to tell me to think of my daughter and be happy for her. That is really hard sometimes too.<P>Take care, I am hear to read if you need

As many know, my W is leaving on Xmas day to be with OM for a month to find out if he is her true soul mate. OM is 1,000 miles away.<P>Question - How should I treat her while she's gone? She will call home while she's with OM, to talk to S, to find out how S is doing and maybe to find out how I'm doing. Should I refuse to talk to her? This is my inclination - don't know if I can stand the thought of her in his house and talking to me.

Mike if you want it to work, carry on with plan A. Believe me it is easier when you are nice to them. Remember plan a is about you becomming a better person. If she rings be really friendly, I know they cant understand it but as I told other people today they have the problem not us.<P>It is them that cant think straight. By being nice you dont give them any reason to justify the affair.<P>keep it together, we are here for you

If she leaves to see the OM she is basically telling you that if she finds that her relationship with the OM is positive she will divorce you. In my opinion you will be foolish to accept this disrespectful behaviour by your wife. Of course, you cannot control her decision to see this OM. You can only control what you will accept. If it is her intention to develop a relationship with another man than give that choice to do so as a soon to be ex-wife.

Mike<P>I can sympathise with you as I am in so similar a situation. My W leaves on 28th Dec for a week to be with the OM (2000 miles away).<P>All I can say is that I have been in Plan A for 4 months now and it seems to have had some effect. We certainly enjoy many outings together although we occupy separate bedrooms at home. My 12yr old D is as happy that we are getting along OK.<P>I believe Plan A is by far the best advise if you still have love for your W. It certainly makes you feel much better about yourself and over a time gives you a feeling of some control of the relationship. Plan B certainly relinquishes all control and leaves your relationship totally in the lap of your W.<P>Given, it is difficult to see your W leave for another man for a period of fantasy, but after a time you become less affected by it believe me. My W has now had 3 visits in the past 2 months.<P>There will no doubt come a time that I will move to Plan B and if my W leaves to be with the OM permanently that is what will certainly happen, there will be no further Plan Aing then. <P>However, whilst she is content to stay at home I can ride this out a little longer. Morally I feel very content. If it doesn't work out then at least I will know I did my very best. This is important at least for my D sake to know I tried. The longer Plan A goes the more my W can see the changes for the better in me and hopefully realise they are there for good.<P>I feel My W is certainly worth every bit of effort to save our marriage and although I have contemplated Plan B many times Plan A seems to be working so why quit.<P>I guess the other side is that if she was so darn sure that the OM was the one she would have left to be there now. She is still at home.<P>Hope this gives you at least some inspiration.

Wide Mike<P>Give us an update on where you are at!

She's leaving today. Merry freaking Christmas!

W is gone, and you know what? I have lost my anger and I think I have totally regained my self-respect. I feel a complete release and my disposition has changed to almost complete calm. She is responsible for her own behavior, and I can only control mine. Saying it is one thing, but now I really feel it. I simply refuse to display any more anger. It is destructive.<P>Gave her hugs and kisses when she left and told her that I loved her. She seemed to be a nervous wreck as she was leaving. I guess I would be too, if I were her. But, hey, she doesn’t like flying and maybe that’s why she was so nervous. What I am left with now, I guess is a feeling of amazement at the power of the emotions and feeling she apparently gets from the OM. I guess what troubles me most is that she thinks that in this month’s time she is going to learn enough about the OM to decide between us. My opinion is that she really wants to bask in the feeling she gets and she will learn very little. That fog must be really warm and comfortable.<P>Oh well, even it she picks him, I’ll not feel second class, because now I know I’m not. I have been changing and I know W sees it. I feel pretty good about myself now. I know there are plenty of women out there who would love to have a man like me. But I won’t make the same mistake OM is making. His divorce is not even final yet and he’s already offered to marry my wife! He’s even going to take W to see his family! Seems to me like he is the desperate one, not me.<P>Believe it or not, we had a wonderful Christmas eve. Her family came over and I really helped clean the house prepare the dinner, etc., unlike the way things were in the past. It used to be that I didn’t help out much with these kinds of things, because I would get criticized for all the little wrong things I did. I decided to let her criticize me if she wanted to, but I was going to help anyway. It was actually kind of fun. <P>Set conditions for her return. Basically said that I will no longer tolerate the affair, and that if she wanted to come back, she must totally end it and commit to recovery process. I asked her to please move out if she couldn’t do that. No, I’m not going to file for divorce or separation. I suppose that time may come, but not yet. I don’t want our family to die yet. <P>Now I will concentrate on my son and stop worrying about W and what she is doing. I think my boy really needs me now that mom has left us. I read somewhere that the best a man can do for his kid is to love mom. Hope I get that chance, but if I don’t, I will have peace in knowing that I’ve done all I can to save our marriage. Stay tuned, all.

Merry Christmas...<P>Take care of you and your son.<P>My W has been gone 16 months...<BR>...and have I ever grown...<BR>...and grown so much closer to the kids...<BR>...and without them...<BR>......my life would not be.<P>You'll have hard days to come...<BR>You'll feel sad.. and hurt.. and even hateful times...<P>After 16 months... I've learn how to accept...<BR>...and move on.<P>I pray and hope your situation will turn out differently...<BR>...but if she doesn't come back...<BR>...know... your life can be good!!!<P>God Bless You<P> <P>Jim

Mike<P>I am so sorry that she has decided to still go after all you have been through and the progress you seemed to be making.<P>I do know how you feel (my W leaves in 4 days for a week with OM). I will use the time to enjoy my Ds company.<P>I believe you need to be strong and use the time effectively to enjoy the time with your S. By so doing it will distract you from the pain caused by her actions. Take time out to organise some good activities together. This will help take it of your Ss mind as well as he will no doubt be feeling very confused and insecure. You need to be strong for him. He will look back at this and be proud of you.<P>If she calls also be strong, talk with her if she asks to, and don't LB. I have been there before and I know it isn't easy.<P>Unfortunately much of the outcome is out of your control and that is a very uneasy and insecure feeling.<P>I believe all you can do is continue to Plan A and constantly let her know how much she means to you without sounding needy.<P>When she returns you can probably expect your relationship has taken a turn for the negative as she will have been discussing many issue with the OM to justify where they are at and she will be still reliving the fantasy of the past month. From experience it will take a few days to connect again with your W.<P>You mention the many conditions you have placed on her return, be carefull not to back yourself in to a corner where there is no way out. Don't forget you still have her at home at this stage and with that goes a certain amount of control over the situation.<P>I am only adding my 2 cents worth but we do have a lot in common.<P>Take care.<BR>Colin<P>

Hello to all,<P>Thought I'd give you all an update. She's still with the OM and has been since Xmas day. 19 days now, and I've been through every emotion one can imagine. Been through some I didn't even know I had!<P>I told her that I would not talk to her while she was gone, that it would hurt too much. But after she left, I decided that I could e-mail "news" reports to her. Stuff to let her know how I and S are doing. Mostly the e's are just news with very little about "us". She replied to a few of them. Said she was still confused, missed both of us terribly and thought she wasn't going to "find what she was looking for." Funny, I've asked her what it was she was looking for, and she was never able to articulate it to me. She even talked about coming home early.<P>Anyway, last week I decided that I'd had enough of doing these daily news reports and at the end of one said that it would be the last one. Low and behold, she called me the next morning. I was surprised I was able to talk to her without feeling extreme emotions. She asked questions like, do you think we can really live together, do you think it will work? I said, its up to you. It won't work as long as you continue your A. Then I said I still love you and hung up. Haven't talked to her since, but did decide to continue the news reports.<P>How am I feeling now? Actually, I feel quite normal, except my wife is gone. How will I treat her when she comes home (supposedly on Jan 28 if not sooner)? I will ask her if she wants a hug. Then I will give her one if she wants it. But, but, but....if she continues to IM or otherwise communicate with the OM, I will ask her to please leave my house and go do it somewhere else. Basically, I will continue with plan A, but I simply will not tolerate her carrying on her A in my house.<BR>I will be very friendly to her and very affectionate. But, I will also ask her to please go get checked for STD's.<P>After a little while, I will ask her to call one of the Harley's. I've had 2 sessions with Steve and he asked if she would talk to him (just before she left). She said she "couldn't" then. In one of me e's I suggested that she call Steve from OM's house, but she said no, that would be too "uncomfortable", maybe when I'm home. I will give her a little time, and then I will insist that she call.<P>Well, this is my "plan". Any comments or suggestions? And thanks to all for listening. This site and your support have been literal life savers.<P>PS S seems to be doing OK. Our relationship has improved tremendously, largely as a result of what I've learned here. To put it simply, I've learned to treat my S with RESPECT, and I've learned the difference between punishment and discipline. He needs the discipline, but no one should be subjected to punishment out of anger.<BR>