Good news!!! Well, kind of.<P>I met with my wifes counselor today and she's a great lady! I've had visions of her (based on my wifes actions/comments) that she was advising my W with no reguard for me our our kids. Nothing could be farther from the truth. This counselor is big on family and has advised my W that her dicisions and actions directly affect us.<P>Now the bad news. My wife is making cr-ppy decisions even under the care a seemingly wise and good counselor. Damn!<P>But this does shed some new light for me.<P>StillTrying, <BR>I think I was resistant to some of your ideas because I was afraid that if I'm telling her one thing, but her counselor is condoning her behavior, in my Ws mind there would be no grounds for my feelings. Clearly this isn't the case. The counselor says she's told my W that she can and does see big problems with the current coarse of action. Know that somehow makes it easier for me to address her behavior (in a loving caring mannor) with some honesty on how she's making me feel, how she's hurting me.<P>Thanks, keep us in your prayers!<P>------------------<BR>Bill<BR>~~~~<BR>Remember the truth that once was spoken, "To love another person is to see the face of God."

Dear Bill,<P>That is good news. I hope that the next few weeks turn out well for you. <P>In the aftermath of my wife's affair, I spend months thinking, "If I do this, then she will respond in that way - no good. What about if I do this other thing? ..."<P>I burned out. I was so afraid that any wrong move on my part would send her back to the other man. It took me nearly a year (and a very good therapist) to stop that pattern, and to begin making my decisions based on what I felt was right or wrong, what I needed, and what my wife said she needed, not on my fears or on my attempts to control the situation indirectly.<P>You have the hardest job I know of now. After many months of doing everything to save our marriage and our family, I had reached a point where things looked very bleak. And I told myself that I would try to live so that I was proud of the way that I lost my family. (If that makes any sense). Only a few weeks later everything began to turn around.<P>I wish you well,<P>StillTrying

After I met with her counselor I was so pumped. Today I'm soooo down. My W and I talked last night. I told her how her planned trip makes me feel, "angry, sad, deeply hurt." I also reneged on my offer to take her to the airport. I told her that I didn't believe in what she was doing, that it hurt me profoundly and that I couldn't deal with the possibility of doing anything that sent the message that I condone her decision. This morning as I was leaving for work I said, "Have a good day, I love you," which we've said to each other every morning for 7 1/2 years. Her response was "Bye." I think she's made up her mind. There's nothing good about any of this. She's hurting me, our girls, herself, even the [censored] she's spending New Year's with. I think my marriage is over. I can't deal with this. It hurts so much.<p>[This message has been edited by wld (edited December 22, 2000).]

Dear Bill,<P>What a painful response. Do you have a friend to talk with? Please don't try to do this all alone. Maybe even a counselor for you would help.<P>But what you told her about the car ride sounded so clear, so firm, and yet respectful. Be proud. You are in a bad place, but acting well.<P>There is nothing I can say to ease your pain. Don't hide from it, it is real. I have never experienced another pain like finding out about my wife's affair. Far and away the most traumatic, terrible event of my life.<P>But there are a few things you need to remember, to help you plan what you will do. They won't ease your pain, but might help you choose your actions.<P>(1) Your wife is not acting rationally or compassionately. But what she does right now might not destroy your marriage, no matter how much it seems that it will. My own wife had a long affair with my best friend. She got pregnant by him, and had the baby, pretending that it was mine. She pleaded with him to divorce his own wife, so that they could start a new life together. And when I found out, and her affair ended, she told me that she came home only because she had no where else to go. That he was the one person in the world perfect for her, and that our own marriage had been a mistake. And yet ... now her predominate feeling for him is anger. Our marriage is deepening each month, she tells me that she loves me, and turns to me when she is hurt. We again share the joy of raising our children. My youngest child adores me and I adore him.<P>I still can't quite process how our marriage ended up as badly off as it was two years ago, nor how it could ever have been restored to the point it is at today.<P>I can't promise you anything. Indeed, only good fortune, or divine help, seems to have given us the chance that we needed. That, and close friends who stood by each of us. All I want to say is that, bleak as things are now, neither your marriage nor your family is necessarily over. Maybe, or maybe not. If you can focus on the long term picture (and that means years), then you have a good chance of restoring and healing your marriage, or at least of seeing it end in a way in which you know that you tried your best, and about which you can feel proud.<P>(2) Your wife didn't tell you that she loved you this morning. I really don't know what is going on with her, or with you even. But I would guess that she is extremely upset and confused. My wife began her affair in secret, and did not have to confront my own pain until much later. Anything your wife says to you is as likely to reflect her own confusion, or guilt, or anger at herself, or projection of her own fears onto you, as it is to reflect her long-term feelings about you. Her world is in turmoil, she doesn't see any good way out, she is trying to define her own identity, and doesn't know which way to turn.<P>Somehow you need to hear her, and be compassionate and loving and empathetic. You need to be there for her, and be respectful. And to do so while clearly stating your own feelings, and sticking to your own moral code. My guess is that you feel like she is erecting a wall between you. I have felt that. Most painful feeling I know of; worse than the betrayal itself. But somehow you must avoid withdrawing yourself, if you want to preserve your marriage. Be firm about not driving her, but be loving, respectful, and 'present.' Just because you won't support her visit to see him doesn't mean that you shouldn't listen to her own fears and desires. You are making your point. Perhaps you can give her space to hear her. Painful as it will be to hear her, you need to talk as much as possible.<P>You can probably feel the pressure building when you are together. It can't go on forever. In a secret affair, there is less pressure. Now, you can be sure that something must happen, maybe in days, maybe in a few months. Hang on.<P>(3) A small thing, but it took me months to notice. Will she look at you, look into your eyes when you talk? Do you hide your eyes from her? Only in the aftermath of my wife's affair did I notice how little we each looked at the other. And at that point I began, consciously, to look into her eyes again as we talked. It took awhile for her to look back, but that was the real beginning of intimacy. Her eyes are beautiful; a window into her soul. And just that contact, alone, helped me begin to connect with her again. A year and a half later, I still find looking into her eyes while talking to be deeply satisfying.<P>May God bless you and your wife and family,<P>StillTrying

Dear Bill,<P>Hi! Me again. One last thought.<P>I realized pretty quickly that one of my own wife's deepest needs was intimate conversation. (That wasn't too hard; most of her affair was conducted by telephone). And I wanted to restore a marriage in which we would each be extremely happy. So I have tried to learn how to really listen and converse, not just about the intellecual or political topics we used to share, but also about our inner lives. Not easy, but very rewarding. And it sounds like your own wife must have the same deep need. So perhaps the painful conversations you are having and need to continue with will help build the foundation for a rewarding relationship for her with you. The most difficult thing is listening to what she has to say without exploding, or without condoning what you cannot accept. Somehow, I sensed intuitively that I needed to make it safe for her to tell me anything, and she pretty much did.<P>I wish you well,<P>StillTrying

StillTrying,<P>I can't thank you enough for your thoughts and your time. You've helped a lot. <P>I did tell her several times last night that I love her. Even as I was telling her that her actions hurt me, I'd say "I love you." At the advice of her counselor, I also told her that I believe her decision to make this trip is damaging to our marriage and our family. I was hesitant to do so because this was judgmental. But the counselor said that it's vital that my W doesn't go without some understand of the negative effect her decisions are having on all of us. I realize it's LBing, but I tried to say it in the most respectful way I could. My W got angry that I was saying that her trip hurts our kids. I don't blame her. I know this may not have been in line with a lot of the ideas expressed here, but it seemed to make her think a little.<P>You hit the nail on head with your take on her being upset and confused. Especially after talking with her counselor, that's more apparent that ever.<P>As for her eyes, wow. I do usually look into her eyes when we talk, and she often looks back. With daggers sometimes, but she looks back. The funny thing is that her eyes are one very deep source of her problems. She grew up with very crossed eyes and thick glasses. Kids didn't even want to sit next to her on the bus. But one of my favorite physical features of her are her eyes. They are beautiful.<P>I'm feeling much better as the day goes on. I can't believe how deep the emotional swings are dipping for me right now. Last night after I met with her counselor, I was so up I felt like I was on a high (and enjoying every minute of it). Then this morning I felt so hopeless. I do, however, believe in what I'm doing and am proud of myself. Last night she said that she feels like I'm dumping all of our problems on her. I told her that I take full responsibility for my mistakes over the last several years, but that my goal now is to work on me and our marriage. I told her that I will respect the physical limits she's asked for (no asking for hugs, holding hands, sex isn't even an issue at this point), but that I would LOVE it if she could put aside one night a week for us. I just want a night to play games, go to a movie or dinner (the stuff we used to do). She said she'd consider it.<P>Thanks again for the support and prayers.<BR><P>------------------<BR>Bill<BR>~~~~<BR>Remember the truth that once was spoken, "To love another person is to see the face of God."

Dear Bill,<P>I still go up and down, years afterwards. If you expect drastic mood swings, it is (slightly) easier to manage them.<P>I hope your weekend goes slightly more easily than these past few weeks have gone.<P>StillTrying

She's leaving in 2 days for out-of-town visit with OM. I'm getting very down. How should I treat her when she leaves. I already told her that I won't take her to the airport, because, while I love her and will support <I>her</I> any way I can, I will not support this action/decision. Thoughts? Ideas? She's made it very clear that she won't reconsider her decision to go on this trip. What do I do now?<P>------------------<BR>Bill<BR>~~~~<BR>Remember the truth that once was spoken, "To love another person is to see the face of God."

Dear Bill,<P>I am sorry that you are still facing this painful situation. It took a long time to build to this moment, and will probably take a long time to resolve.<P>Have you ever experienced this level of pain before? I was new to it, and can only imagine what you are going through. Do you have friends or a therapist to help you? I needed all the support that I could get so that I could remain stable enough to support my wife through our recovery, rather than make things much worse by adding my own fury to the mix.<P>I never dealt with a situation like yours. I do have a few ideas, but these are just my guesses. Trust your own instincts.<P>My guesses:<P>(1) Do not cut yourself off from your wife, or punish her by withdrawing emotionally. Aside from the boundaries that you are drawing (no car ride, no acceptance of her relationship with OM), offer her love, attention, and a safe place to listen. She might end up needing you very much, and you want her to know that you are there for her, even if you don't support what she is doing.<P>(2) You will be at home with your children, right? I would recommend frequent phone calls to her to talk about your family. Just because you don't support the trip doesn't mean that she still isn't your wife, or the mother of your children. If she is cold or unresponsive on the phone, don't linger or drag out the conversations hoping for a change, but do end them lovingly and politely. Have the kids talk to her. Describe their days to her. Talk about your days, share what you have enjoyed, and ask her for (a) emotional support or (b) advice, if appropriate. Don't ask if she has done anything with the other man, but do be prepared to listen respectfully to anything she chooses to tell you. If you don't like it, tell her how much it hurts you, but don't beat her up verbally or insult her.<P>(3) Have you agreed to protect some cover story of hers? I don't think that you should try to enlist other people to use against her, but I also feel that it is wrong to lie to protect your wife from what she is doing. Many other people will disagree with me, and I can't say that I have been completely consistent on this issue myself. But I would recommend having her explain this trip to your families and friends, and to other man's family. And if the reason that you are not accompanying her comes up, I wouldn't lie about it. Maybe discreetly avoid it, or maybe say that you don't think they should be visiting. I don't really know. Protect your own sense of integrity, while trying to avoid harming your wife.<P>(4) Basically, she has got herself into this situation, and won't get out until it becomes too uncomfortable. She might flip/flop a lot. She might become very unpleasent. She might change suddenly and come home. I certainly can't guess. Somehow, you have to be ready and supportive when the time comes, and ride out all the unpleasentness. Remember, she will probably say and do some very cruel things, but they don't necessarily reflect anything about her true self. She is in a confusing mess now, and probably is so buffeted by conflicting emotions that she has no idea what she really wants or believes. And she might project all her anger at herself onto you, or maybe she will become depressed, or maybe she will shut down and try to hide from things.<P>Remember, this situation is inherently unstable. Be loving. Stand up, respectfully, for what you believe in, for who you are. Protect your children. And don't stabalize the situation for her. (Some people here do, and the affair goes on for years of suffering, and they just take it). One way or the other, something will snap. If that something isn't you, then you can help your wife through this.<P>And to make sure that that something isn't you, take care of yourself. I started exercising, looked at my parenting skills, changed a lot about my own life, to try and become the person I wanted to be. <P>I will be thinking about you.<P>StillTrying

Still,<P>You thought and ideas are helpful. We did discuss the "story" to our friends and family. We've had a New Year's party every year for the past several and I've decided to go-ahead with it even though she won't be here. I told her that if (no when) people ask where she is and what's going on, I'd tell them that she is in New York this weekend. If they ask further I'll tell them that we're having some problems, ask for their prayers and leave it at that. There are some close friends that I can talk to (people she doesn't interact with, like friedns at my work) and I agree and understand that our mutual friends shouldn't be let in on the details (concern for their judgement of her and her actions).<P>I like the idea of calling her. I wasn't sure if I should do that or not, but I think I will.<P>As for me and my health, I'm going on a day hike tomorrow (the day before she leaves) with some friends from work, and I'm thrilled about that. I'll be with friends that I can talk to and the exercise will be <B>GREAT</B>! It'll be much better hiking in the desert all day instead sitting at work/home letting this eat away at me.<P>Thanks again for your care/concern/thoughts/ideas/prayers/... It means a lot to me and helps a great deal.<P>Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, Happy Hanukkah, Happy Holidays! <I>I know, happy is a relative term right now!</I>

I am not sure if I asked this previously but<BR>have you contacted the OM's wife and told her of your concerns? I believe if she is aware of your concerns then she will make sure that she is always with her husband. What do you<BR>think?

DANGER, DANGER, DANGER<P>Take from one who's going through hell now because of an internet initiated relationship. Read my post under Ready for Plan B? DON'T let her go. No time for more now. **edit** Mike

Bryanp and Wide_Mike,<P>Thanks for your input. <P>Bryanp, I haven't talked to his wife, and am not sure if I should. He and his wife are, I believe, seperated. But, he lives in her house in the basement. Although I believe she's a decent person and wouldn't agree to his relationship with my W (I do still believe this is an EA not a PA, but I know anything's possible) I don't think she gets herself involved in his personal life. I do think that if I get her on the phone when I call out there to check with my W, I may talk to her a little about the situation.<P>Mike,<BR>I have no choice. She's made this decision and she's going to follow through with it. I can't make her stay. The only thing I could threaten her with is divorce and I don't want that. I do, however see the danger in this. I don't trust this guy any farther than I can throw him...hmm now there's an idea! I talked with him at length when he was out here several months ago. I told him that I believed that my W and I belong together and that the best thing for both of us and our kids is to stay together. He agreed! I told him that I have big problems with their relationship, but that if he was going to be her friend, THEN BE HER FRIEND! Even at the cost of their friendship. In other words, if their relationship threatens our marriage in any way, I expect him to cut it off, to do what's best for her! He promised. I didn't trust him then, and now I can see that I was right. He's using her. She doesn't see it, and he might not either. But it's clear that that's what's going on.<P>------------------<BR>Bill<BR>~~~~<BR>Remember the truth that once was spoken, "To love another person is to see the face of God."<p>[This message has been edited by wld (edited December 27, 2000).]

wld:<P>I’ve just had a chance to read your whole story. If you end up going through what I’m going through, get ready for the wildest roller coaster ride of you life! My heart goes out to you. And although I’m not the religious type, my prayers go to you, too. StillTrying is giving you excellent advice in my opinion, but I’ll add some of my own for what it’s worth.<P>If she has a PA while she's there, YOU WILL SURVIVE IT. If you react like I did, you will feel betrayed, angry, resentful, lost, revengeful and feel you must do something. Don't act in haste and don't act from any of these emotions. God, I know it's hard. But you need to do the right thing for your family and UNDERSTAND what is happening.<P>I, too have gone through incredible emotional swings while waiting for my wife to leave. Until the last minute, I held out some hope that she wouldn’t go, but she did, and has now been gone for 2-1/2 days. I haven’t heard from her and don’t know what she’s doing. You may find this hard to believe, but I am now very calm about it. I realize, as StillTrying says, that I can’t control her. I can only control what I do. This has brought me some peace. I have let go of anger, resentment and thoughts of revenge. What helped me do this is the realization that she wasn’t doing this TO me, if you know what I mean. She admitted that she was being selfish, but there’s much more to it than that. She is an addict.<P>By the way, have you bought and read “Surviving and Affair” by the Harley’s? It’s available on this website and probably your best resource for understanding affairs. I would think that it’s available at some Christian bookstores. That book and this site have helped me tremendously. The book describes affairs as addictions. That is how I have come to view my W. My counselor told me that an addict (WS) knows the consequences of the addiction, but will pursue the drug (A) anyway. A drug induced fog is the result, and you will find references to “the fog” a lot on this board.<P>When I learned of my W’s PA while she was on vacation last May, I was devastated. As she was driving back (3 days) I slowly began to sort of forgive her, but I didn’t know about MB and its principles. My W didn’t see any changes in me and her affair continued on line. She spent almost every night talking to the OM via instant messaging. It drove me crazy and she was very secretive about it. Whenever I tried to discuss it with her, she just told me to mind my own business. I tried to reason with her, which of course, didn’t work. As StillTrying says, you’ve got to focus on yourself and not point fingers at her.<P>Might want to read “Tough Love” by Dobson. It gives good advice on giving your W space. Here’s a quote from it that I found particularly insightful:<P>“Long before any decision is made to "fool around" or walk out on a partner, a fundamental change has begun to occur in the relationship. Many books on this subject lay the blame on the failure to communicate, but I disagree. The inability to talk to one another is a symptom of a deeper problem, but it is not the cause itself. The critical element is the way a husband or wife begins to devalue the other and their lives together. It is a subtle thing at first, often occurring without either partner being aware of the slippage. But as time passes, one individual begins to feel trapped in a relationship with someone he or she no longer respects. <BR>Now we begin to see why groveling, crying and pleading by a panic-stricken partner tend to drive the claustrophobic partner even farther away. The more he or she struggles to gain a measure of freedom (or even secure a little breathing room), the more desperately the rejected spouse attempts to hang on. <BR>Perhaps it is now apparent where the present line of reasoning is leading us. If there is hope for dying marriages, and I certainly believe there is, then it is likely to be found in the reconstruction of respect between warring husbands and wives. That requires the vulnerable spouse to open the cage door and let the trapped partner out! All the techniques of containment must end immediately, including manipulative grief, anger, guilt and appeasement. Begging, pleading, crying, hand-wringing and playing the role of the doormat are equally destructive. There may be a time and place for strong feelings to be expressed, and there may be an occasion for quiet tolerance. But these responses must not be used as persuasive devices to hold the drifting partner against his or her will.”<P>Before I realized what this meant, I would try to badger her about the A. I remember almost chasing her around the house trying to rationalize what she was doing and lecturing her on the consequences. She would say angrily, “Don’t you think I realize that?”<P>After I read that and the stuff on MB (around Thanksgiving time) I tried to behave differently. I focused on how I was communicating with her. I am quite sure W feels a lot better about our marriage and me now. But changes of this nature take time. I had a counseling session with Steve Harley and he told me that, on an emotional level, W projects future based on the past, and you need time to build the past. I have another session scheduled with him tomorrow, and I know you can get telephone conferencing on short notice from him. You might want to consider it. Worth the $95 in my opinion, but don’t expect any magic bullets for your current situation.<P>I think we would already be divorced if not for MB and some of the advice I’ve been getting on this site. I know that my wife still loves me, but is now trapped between the addiction of the A and her love for me, our family and our way of life. And the best I can do right now is show her that I understand what she is going through and create the past that she needs to project the happy future. <P>Here’s a few things I'm doing to try to change myself:<P>…I began to really LISTEN to her and RESPECT what she was saying. There were so many messages that she had been sending me over the years that I just didn’t get. She once told me she felt browbeaten and pushed down. At the time, I had no idea what she meant. After all, I had always let her do what she wanted. Now I realize that I often just didn’t listen closely enough and basically imposed my own view of things on her. I can be very good at winning arguments, just ask any of my remaining friends.<P>…I began to CONVERSE with her, instead of lecturing. Part of conversing it understanding and I tried much harder to UNDERSTAND how she feels. As my counselor said, when your W comes to you with a problem, she wants understanding and empathy first. My impulse was always to solve, solve solve. <P>…I try to get her into all the rooms of my house. By this I mean that we men tend to compartmentalize our lives. One room for work, another for recreation, yet another for wife and family. I now consciously try to get her into all the rooms. See article “Why women leave men” on this site.<P>One big caution: don’t compare yourself to the OM. It simply isn’t an issue. I did that immediately after I learned of the affair and tried to change into something I’m not. It lead to a loss of self-respect and W immediately detected that I wasn’t me anymore. <P>How will my situation resolve? I don’t know. I guess I’ll find out at the end of January. What I do know is that I do not want a divorce. And you know what? I don’t think my wife does either. She loves me and my son and understands the consequences of a divorce. <P>I also refused to drive her to the airport, and she understood. I told her how I felt about her leaving me to have intimate relations with another man. I told her I could not share any of her experiences with her and therefore she should not call me. I told her she could certainly call S, but so far she hasn’t. I told her that I did not want her to bring any pictures or mementos of her trip into our house. I told her that she could not spend any of OUR money during the trip. On the other hand, I am sending her daily reports on what we are doing so she remains connected to her family. The reports don’t/won’t contain any pleading to come back or other attempts to manipulate her. They will be simple news reports.<P>I am focusing on my relationship with my 16 year old son right now. I hope to set an example for him in how to behave during this, the greatest crisis of our lives. In any case, I will survive this, and so will you.<P>Mike<BR><p>[This message has been edited by Wide_Mike (edited December 27, 2000).]

Mike,<P>You should be <B>very</B> proud of yourself. It sounds like you're dealing with an extremely difficult situation with grace and wisdom. It's difficult to turn the "mirror of judgement" that guys like you and I shine on other people (or at least I know I do), to ourselves. I believe it's one of the keys to fixing my marriage, and it sounds like you've already done a great job of taking a long hard look at yourself.<P>Thanks for your insight. It helps tremendously! Several people have written great things for me here. I need to and plan to go over all of it many times. I, by the way, am the religious type. I think I'm in pretty good with God, so I'll give him a heads up for you (that means that you and your family are in my prayers). I have read your posts (maybe even replied to a couple) and I can see that the lessons you and I learn will be valuable to each other.<P>As for today...she left. I kissed her goodbye at 6:00 this morning. I'm sad (strong and doing OK, but sad).<P>I'll be checking back here several times over the next few days. If anyone who reads this can think of a word or two of support, it would be very welcome. It's going to be a tough weekend.<BR><P>------------------<BR>Bill<BR>~~~~<BR>Remember the truth that once was spoken, "To love another person is to see the face of God."

wld:<P>I really, really understand how you're feeling right now. As you know, my W left on Christmas day. I've gone through a lot of emotional swings in the last few days, but right now I've settled into a state that can best be described as calm. Maybe I'm somewhat detached and numb, but at least I'm not in pain.<P>One caution, you said<P>..."I need to and plan to go over all of it many times."<P>Sounds like you're the technical type like me who has something close to an instinct for planning. You know, flow charts, If statements and the like. Resist that! I did some of that "If she does this, then I'll do that." It can drive you crazy! Not to say you shouldn't have a plan, but don't do it by yourself. Here's where you need professional guidance.<P>The advice, by the way, comes directly from Steve Harley during a session I had with him only a few hours ago.<P>Before my wife left, I gave her a letter. It said that I love her and wanted to reconcile, but her return to our home was contitional. The conditions were:<P>....End your current extramarital relationship for good and take steps to insure that it is really ended.<P>....Participate wholeheartedly with me in learning how to respect and love one another again through the Marriage Builders (or similar) program.<P>....Provide me with evidence that you are free of sexually transmitted diseases.<P>If she decides she couldn't meet these conditions, then I asked her to please find another place to live.<P>This simple plan was endorsed by Steve. When I said, what if she this and what if she that, Steve said, stick to what is in front of you and deal with it a piece at a time.<P>Bill, I know what you're going through right now. YOU WILL SURVIVE THIS. And, if God wills it, you and your family will end up better off for it.<P>Mike<P><BR>

Hey Bill,<P>Happy New Year. Give us a post and let us know how you're doing. There are people here who care...<P>Mike

Mike (and all),<P>Happy New Year!<P>It's been a tough weekend. She called each day. Sometimes she was nice and seemed caring, but other times she seemed cold and distant. I spent a lot of time wiht our girls and tried to keep my mood from screwing up my time with them. At first it didn't do a very good job of it, but I got much better.<P>Right now I'm feeling VERY scared. She's coming home tonight, and I'm worried that she's going to ask for a divorce. I've thought about that a lot and realized that I don't know how I should handle that if it happens. My gut tells me to stay calm, tell her the idea hurts me and...then what? Any thoughts?

Dear Bill,<P>I found that not knowing where our marriage was headed was terribly frightening. I constantly thought through possibility after possibility. You must have had a very rough time these past few months.<P>Do you have plans to welcome her back lovingly? A nice dinner? Decorations? A video for the kids to watch while you talk? (I have no idea what you two like).<P>And divorce? I don't know what your wife will ask. If you can gently draw her out and listen to her decompress from her trip, that action alone is probably the most important thing you can do, for her and for yourself. And it might not be easy, and can't be forced.<P>When my wife asked for a divorce, we both knew that it was so serious that we talked and talked and talked for almost a day. I didn't argue that we shouldn't. Instead, I agreed to go along, but told her that I felt it was too soon (after her affair) for us to know what was right for us. She also talked to friends, who were very helpful. And I offered to split everything (money, child care) 50/50.<P>By the end of that twenty-four hours, our whole marriage had turned around. Of course it often doesn't work out like that, but seriously considering divorce together, and having your wife know that it is a realistic option, that you won't hurt her or be vengeful, and that you still want to be married, but are willing to end it, might have a tremendous power to reassure her that your marriage is safe.<P>I wish you all the best,<P>StillTrying

Dear wld,<P>I haven't been able to get onto the Boards because school was out and our S was at home. I just followed the whole thread. <P>How did her return go? Are you okay?<P>Maybe I'm just stating the obvious here, but if you two had to cook up a cover story about her trip for friends, how can she tell herself it is an innocent, platonic friendship? If she were leaving for example to sat by a sick or dying relative, or help clean house for a sick relative or care for children, there would be no need to agree on a "cover story". Nobody would look askance at such a trip.<P>Again, my heart goes out to you. I don't know how you survived her trip emotionally. You must love her very much.<P><P>------------------<BR>Belle, Domestic Goddess