I am in a situation where my wife chose to have an affair with a relative stranger, and then leave me for him. She is clearly confused, yet acting like she is well aware of what it is she wants. I know she is acting impulsively and following her emotions alone, which are tricking her at the moment. I strongly feel that if she were able to think rationally, she would have seen her mistake a long time ago. She is definately "in the fog".<P>I am getting ready to implement Plan A, but am deeply concerned that my words will fall upon deaf ears. After all, she has been avoiding me to ease the guilt of what she's done to me. Out of sight out of mind I suppose.<P>I guess I'm looking for the "magical" words to say to make her see things as I see them. I am realistic enough to understand that this isn't going to happen. <P>Do any of you have any good advice that goes above and beyond the words written in article on Plan A / Plan B? <P>What sort of response should I expect? Are there certain things to say that are more effective than others? What has worked for you in the past and conversely, what has backfired?<P>Your help is greatly appreciated!

Pete528<P>I feel your pain as do everyone else on this board. this is a great place to be when you need encouragement and advice. You will find both.<P>My husband avoided me as well and told me nasty things so I would hate him. It did work and my love bank for him was going in the red. I kept with Plan A and am still doing it even though I eventually threw him out. A big LB, but I just couldn't take the coldness and the meaness anymore. He had no concern for me and was just relieving his own guilt by making impossible for me to love him. <P>Since I threw him out, we have been getting along better and just over Christmas he said he wanted to work on the marriage. He is still talking with the OW and I am hoping it will die a natural death.<P>My advice is to put your hurt, anger, sadness aside and try to make regular deposits to her love bank. You are right she is in the fog and there is nothing you can say or do that will change it. Concentrate on yourself, admit where you went wrong, correct it in yourself and become a better person. Live your life as well as you can and be nice to yourself.<P>You will have good days and bad days. I myself am taking one day at a time. They don't call it a roller coaster ride for nothing. <P>Keep strong, you came to the right place and we are all here for you. <P>Rhonda

My situation is different in that my wife chose to have an affair with someone she has known for a long time. You might want to be thankful because from what I have heard and read, this type of affair is harder to die. Aside from that, the symptoms I am experiencing are pretty much the same. <P>You don't mention whether your wife is still at home or if you have children. One of the best things you can do in Plan A is fill your wife's time with family. Do things with your kids and try to include her. If your wife is like mine, she may try at times to avoid these situations because of guilt. But there will be times where she actually will enjoy herself.<P>You're going to find there are times when she will do things just to try and piss you off. Don't let her. Keep telling yourself you are in a plan. You are right, there are no "magical words". Just try to create an environment where she can trust that you will do nothing to harm her.<P>ASbove all, keep coming back to the people on this message board. You will find you are not alone.

Welcome <B>pete528</B>...<P>There is a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P><B>About your post</B>...<P>There are <B>No</B> magic words...<BR>...<B>No</B> silver bullet... <P>But there is ...<A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>...<BR>Check out my post <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000176.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.)</A>.<P>This is an "active" plan...<BR>...not just words...<P>and most important...<BR>...it to make you feel better about yourself!<P>If you read my profile...<BR>...you'll find that I am about to divorce!<BR>This is not the outcome you'd like...<BR>...but without Plan A (and a decent understanding of Plan B)... I could not have made it to this point and kept my sanity!<P>Plan A... like there is no tomorrow!<BR>Plan A... with all the vigor you can muster!<P>Without it...<BR>...the possible outcome of a divorce... becomes a horrific nightmare!<P> <P>Jim