BH,

DON'T ever let yourself believe that you are not good enough.Your WW,like all other WS's are searching for something the wrong way.They all think that commiting adultery is their salvation,that they have found true love and the ONE and that they will never have any other problems ever again and so on,etc.GAG! Adultery does affect a WS like a lobotomy,seeing only two feet in front of themselves with a filter on that's called FANTASY.The only saving grace is that in time they will see the "relationship" with the OP for what it really is and all of life's ugliness too.

There is absolutely NO reason for adultery,and I say adultery because I have come to believe that an AFFAIR sounds too dang glamorous and doesn't suggest the ugliness of it.No matter how "bad" you think you were in bed or whatever,it does not mean our spouses can just jump ship and go get it somewhere else.Only in cases of physical abuse or mental abuse,conditions like those could a person leave the marriage without really giving it a try unless they wanted to IMO.Unhappiness is not a reason in my book.Give me a break.Entitlement comes to mind,I should have whatever I want whenever I want at the expense of whoever I want. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Sorry if this is a downer post but I have had it with my WH.What a piece of work.

O

October,

I am with you one-hundred percent.

I know for one thing, one certain thing, it isn't MY performance in the bedroom. I was really just throwing that out there because doubts will creep in on you (and me).

I might have had my faults, but that is ONE area where things are better than AOK.

My GF from before I met WW nicknamed me "pornstar" now of course that really isn't a pet name you can use in public but I have never, ever had a complaint (not even when WW slept with me and him for about a week).

I know I just spent way too much time pointing that out but for most guys it is an important part of our inner workings. I pride myself on doing whatever it takes, every time, to assure the absolute and utmost pleasure is had by my partner. Not only are they happy, but it makes me happy and boosts the ego....anyway

I am filing for divorce, not dissolution and not seperation.

She called off work again today and I have just had it. Kids called all morning on her cell...vm picked it up. Called her at work and she wasn't there, they left crying and begging VM's for her....just gut wrenching tolisten to them.

try to play starve out with my family and then ignore their cries.....F-her

I can't wait to find out what kind of BS she wants to pull on us next so I am going to protect us. She won't, can't, or doesn't want to so I will.

I need a fresh start with someon who will love my kids, care for my kids, and love me for myself.

Thought I had that but I was mistaken. I am certainly going to be extremely careful with the next one. And she has no idea whats in store for her after learning all this stuff here. I am going to be the best partner anyone has ever had!

I will be able to prevent this nightmare from ever happening to me again because I have the tools and knowledge needed to do it right.

Thanks for everything you all have done for me. I will be seeking some comfort and advice in the divorce section from now on.

And pop in here from time to time to see what you all are doing,

I hope every one of you gets what you truly desire and that your dreams of reconciliation come true.

God Bless You All.

BrokenHubby

Hey Everybody,

Just a quick update in case anyone was wondering.

The OM and WW moved in together. He left his 3 kids and wife of 22 years (who BTW has caught him 10 times cheating, he's left her 4 of those times) and the both of them are trying to figure out a way of screwing us over.

My kids are with me naturally and the WW has seen them maybe 5-8 times for about a total of 4 hours since she left.

I filed for divorce and she should be served tomorrow (5/28) which is my Birthday. She is in for a big shock because she still thinks I want her back. I haven't talked to her since May 1st and I guess it is making her nuts at work.

Obviously it's all a little overwhelming right now but I'll get by. I don't believe there is anyway I could reconcile with her, she's just too sick and after the things that are going to happen because of the divorce....she won't want too probably...

Oh Well, So Sad

BrokenHubby

I know it's sad right now, and you're really suffering. Just give it time, and he'll leave her like he did his wife. Poetic justice.

She left you for a serial adulterer?!?

My WH is a serial adulterer - and if I knew that before I married him and had kids with him, I wouldn't have even gone on date # 1 with him.

I really don't understand the OW POV, but ESPECIALLY can't figure out why ANY woman would want to fool around with a serial adulterer MM! I must be the unusual one though since there apparently isn't a shortage of OW willing to pin their hope on MM serial adulterers. Just weirdness though IMO. If I sometimes feel like a fool for trying to salvage my marriage, what must an OW feel like hoping to START a marriage with one? And at least I was trying to keep my family together and partly doing it for the children's sake. Why on earth would an intelligent woman BREAK UP two families to take a chance on a serial adulterer?

They MUST be suffering from a severe addiction to do something so strange IMO.

HFT and meremortal,

I'll add a couple things to it....

HFT, he will leave WW to go back to his wife again. She will take him back #1 and I found out from some folks that he has pulled this same stunt before, the longest was 3 months of being gone. You see, he can't afford to leave her. According to this person he has had at least 35 other women in the last 20 some years. It really is sick. So it's only a matter of time, however, time is up for me. My kids have commented how nice it's been around the house since she is gone, and my oldest said it has been "heaven". Now we weren't arguing or fighting the whole time she was here after the adultry, they just notice how different I am alone than with her here all these years.

meremortal,
Addiction is the key here. My WW has always been with drunks, losers and druggies her whole life before me. WW did a lot of drinking and partying before me but the last 13 years WW hasn't had 12 beers and maybe a half gallon of booze.

This OM is a drunk and WW has called off 6 days since the beginning of May.....due to drinking. Addictions are addictions and whether it's drinking or adultry, it's the same chemical process. WW called off again today and is going to get her a$$ reamed tomorrow (I am close to many she works with and all are disgusted with her, she is now the "Office Skank" and people are letting her know how they feel about her actions) They all know me at the office and since I am such an honest and likable guy there are 300 women in her office that are trying to make her life miserable and hook me up with either

A. Themselves or
B. Somebody worthy enough of my affections

It's pretty funny really.

MM, don't feel bad for trying to save your marriage. It's what I wanted and we all have to make our own decisions and live with them the best we can.

My own breaking point was when I couldn't tell her lying face from her truth face. I knew right then that I could not trust her right now and maybe never again, and I don't think I can live with that. This has stolen my innocence, my childlike unconditional love. The longer this drags on, the faster we will be ruined financially and I can't allow my children to suffer in that way. It was bad enough when she abandoned them and me but I can't allow us to end up in the streets.

So, in the end, WW will be utterly alone. Nobody on either side of the family will speak to her. Our 2 oldest won't speak to her, our 2 younger ones barely put up with her and that will be complete as soon as she breaks a few more promises to them.

One odd thing....She takes the 2 youngest to the store for a half hour yesterday to buy me a birthday gift? It just pissed me off. WW tried to talk to me about some stuff but I just ignored her and asked her to remove herself from my home and my sight.

I don't need her sickness and am not interested in anything she has to say....it's all lies anyway so why listen?

BrokenHubby

Hey Folks,

It's been awhile since my last post so I thought I would give an mini update of sorts.

I filed for divorce and it should be final by October 6th. She never responded to the summons so it is uncontested. I get everything I asked for except the one thing I really wanted....my family intact.

As for her, the OM moved back in with his wife, within 2 days of the date I predicted he would. I told my STBXW that he would be gone by Aug 1st, back with his wife and he left Sept. 30th...She still allows him back once a week for booty call though. I called his wife and told her what is up but she isn't strong enough to deal with it...never was.

STBXW has made intimations about our long marriage being worth a try but I told her not while she is still seeing him and it isn't worth a "try"...either commit and do it, or forget it.

I've dated quite a bit over the last 2 months and have settled down to one in particular. Don't worry, not jumping in to anything. She had the same thing happen to her...hubby cheated, she went back, hubby kept cheating, divorced him. Her divorce was 10 years ago and she has 4 kids too. She has our perspective on what is right and what isn't, she left her hubby for a year before going back and has told me she understands where I am and how fresh the pain is so that if I ever decided to go back with my wife she wouldn't stand in the way, she did it too. I don't see it happening but you never know.

STBXW tried to accuse me of cheating because I am dating! Pretty funny stuff, don't want to go into details right now but needless to say the fog is still thick.

Anyway, the kids are getting along as well as can be expected. The 2 older ones don't speak to her and my youngest barely puts up with her and our daughter still kinda wants to see her. She has seen them maybe a total of 10 hours the last 2 months, so the mothering part is still missing.

Anyway, that is it in a nutshell. I would probably still work on our relationship if there were any way she would stop seeing OM but it isn't to be yet.

NotSoBrokenHubby

I filed for divorce and it should be final by October 6th.
…
STBXW has made intimations about our long marriage being worth a try but I told her not while she is still seeing him and it isn't worth a "try"...either commit and do it, or forget it.
…
I've dated quite a bit over the last 2 months and have settled down to one in particular. Don't worry, not jumping in to anything.
…
STBXW tried to accuse me of cheating because I am dating! Pretty funny stuff, don't want to go into details right now but needless to say the fog is still thick.
Perhaps if it wasn’t so sad, it might be funny in strange sort of way.

You didn’t want a divorce and told your wife you wanted to reconcile.
You proved this to her by?
Filing for divorce and dating “quite a bit” and have even “settled” down to one person now.

Not a real good argument for your wife to even think she could/would/should work it out with you, is it?

Chris,

You misunderstand....I really don't give a care one way or another anymore and I am not willing to discuss it with her while she is still seeing OM. Just that simple, I made it very clear and plain that reconciling is not an option while she is in contact with him.

We all have our lines that we draw in the sand and she reached mine over 2 months ago. I had done everything in my power to present a welcome mat home for her and I am done with that. The changes have been made, the crying is over, the bending over backwards is done. I am me and the kids are the kids, if she wants that back in her life it is there but it is her turn to make some changes and her turn to show ME she is willing to do what it takes.

Is my marriage important to me? Yes
Is it worth sacrificing my soul for? No

She knows I have forgiven her, She knows she is welcome back when she takes the proper steps to reconcile. The proper steps? End all contact with OM, give me all passwords to all accounts and voice-mail and start counseling. Those are my terms for reconciling. I don't think I am asking for much.

The divorce part? This marriage is as dead as they get and I want nothing more to do with this iteration of it. If we are to reconcile we will have to marry again but I will not continue on in this one.

The dating? That part is simple, when I reached my breaking point I prepared to move on without her in our lives. I still am because I still don't believe she is ever coming back. She is to weak and full of herself to ever admit to a mistake. So while I have been dating I have assured her that it was her move now. I have my priorities in order and all she has to do is say the word and we can start. In the meantime, I am not going to sit around and while away my hours pining away for her.

There is so much more but don't mistake for a second what the true goal is, however, I don't believe that goal will ever occur. More importantly, I don't really care whether or not we achieve that goal anymore. My tank is about empty and if I wasn't finding "diversions" to keep my mind off of it, my tank WOULD be empty right now.

NotSoBrokenHubby

No, I don’t misunderstand at all.

I made it very clear and plain that reconciling is not an option while she is in contact with him.
It’s okay for you to date someone but it’s not okay for her? You expect her to dump om while you are seeing someone else? You expect her to do stuff that you don't have to do. If you want to “move on” then do it. Don’t pretend you are seeking reconciliation though.

Is my marriage important to me? Yes
Is it worth sacrificing my soul for? No
Who said you must “sacrifice” anything, let alone your soul?

She knows I have forgiven her, She knows she is welcome back when she takes the proper steps to reconcile. The proper steps? End all contact with OM, give me all passwords to all accounts and voice-mail and start counseling. Those are my terms for reconciling. I don't think I am asking for much.
I think all this is fair. However, you are not willing to give much to show her you want to reconcile.

So while I have been dating I have assured her that it was her move now. I have my priorities in order and all she has to do is say the word and we can start. In the meantime, I am not going to sit around and while away my hours pining away for her.
Your priority is not your marriage. That is perfectly acceptable. But don’t pretend (to her or you) that it is.

don't mistake for a second what the true goal is
It’s almost impossible to NOT mistake what your “true” goal is.

More importantly, I don't really care whether or not we achieve that goal anymore.
You say it’s a goal and then don’t care whether you get there or not? If it’s a goal then it is something you hope to reach.

My tank is about empty and if I wasn't finding "diversions" to keep my mind off of it, my tank WOULD be empty right now.
You think dating is what is keeping your love alive for your wife?

This is not a rant about dating before the divorce.
I’m talking about wanting and saying one thing and giving completely opposite messages.

You have been registered here since March and that should be long enough to reach at least a small understanding of what is required to make a marriage work and also what is required to restore/repair a marriage torn apart by an affair.
I don’t see that you have learned a lot, or if you have learned it, you are completely disregarding it all.
If you choose to use this stuff (MB principles) or not, that is your choice and I won’t fault you at all.
However, if you think that you are doing what you can to save your marriage, then you are greatly mistaken.
All we can do is give advice and you are free to take it or leave it.

<small>[ September 22, 2004, 10:50 AM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Chris -CA123:
<strong> No, I don’t misunderstand at all.

I made it very clear and plain that reconciling is not an option while she is in contact with him.
It’s okay for you to date someone but it’s not okay for her? You expect her to dump om while you are seeing someone else? You expect her to do stuff that you don't have to do. If you want to “move on” then do it. Don’t pretend you are seeking reconciliation though.
______________________________________________
Chris, it is simple and without knowing all that has occured, or what I have done to rectify the situation, you are jumping to faulty conclusions. I'm not sure what you don't understand about her dumping the OM? I am more than willing to stop what I am doing and she knows it. STBXW had no interest in reconciling UNTIL she found out I was dating...NONE Chris. Why would that be? Because she thought I was going to sit back and allow her to do whatever she wanted and I would be home waiting for her because who else would want me? Well, she has found out there are plenty that want me and the kids and she doesn't like it. That wasn't my original intention by going out but it has been a beneficial side-effect.
_______________________________________

Is my marriage important to me? Yes
Is it worth sacrificing my soul for? No
Who said you must “sacrifice” anything, let alone your soul?
________________________________________
Chris, it is a sacrifice if I allowed her to return without any changes in our relationship and that is what she wants right now because she still doesn't see where she has done anything wrong. That isn't my idea of reconciliation, nor is it workable.

___________________________________________

She knows I have forgiven her, She knows she is welcome back when she takes the proper steps to reconcile. The proper steps? End all contact with OM, give me all passwords to all accounts and voice-mail and start counseling. Those are my terms for reconciling. I don't think I am asking for much.
I think all this is fair. However, you are not willing to give much to show her you want to reconcile.
____________________________________-
Chris, here is another faulty assumption. I don't have a clue where you get the idea I have done nothing. Not only is that insulting but completely wrong
___________________________________________

So while I have been dating I have assured her that it was her move now. I have my priorities in order and all she has to do is say the word and we can start. In the meantime, I am not going to sit around and while away my hours pining away for her.
Your priority is not your marriage. That is perfectly acceptable. But don’t pretend (to her or you) that it is.
__________________________________________
Another faulty assumption, there is no pretending and just because I am not following your script doesn't change what I think or where my priorities are firmly placed. We are all different and while our experiences with our WS's have many of the same components in here, no two people are exactly alike. I'll say again...my WS had ZERO interest in getting back together UNTIL she knew I was out with others. Explain that one Chris
______________________________________

don't mistake for a second what the true goal is
It’s almost impossible to NOT mistake what your “true” goal is.
________________________________________
While you are being insulting and facetious Chris, why don't you explain to me what my "true" goal is? I know what it is but I am curious to see what an armchair psychologist thinks
____________________________________

More importantly, I don't really care whether or not we achieve that goal anymore.
You say it’s a goal and then don’t care whether you get there or not? If it’s a goal then it is something you hope to reach.
___________________________________________
Chris, another misread on your part. The reason I don't care is because I have gotten to the point where I know the kids and I will get along with or without her. Understand that? I prefer it is with her but I am not going back to the old ways to have her here.
______________________________________


My tank is about empty and if I wasn't finding "diversions" to keep my mind off of it, my tank WOULD be empty right now.
You think dating is what is keeping your love alive for your wife?
_________________________________________
Honestly? Dating isn't the only "diversion" of which I speak but I will focus on that right here. The answer is yes, why is it yes? Because until then I was starting to focus on all the bad crap in our relationship, I could feel true derision and animosity rising to uncontrolable levels. Once I started seeing others it reminded me of all the good qualities in her that I wasn't finding in others. I really don't care if it makes sense to you or you understand but that is it.
_______________________________________

This is not a rant about dating before the divorce.
I’m talking about wanting and saying one thing and giving completely opposite messages.

You have been registered here since March and that should be long enough to reach at least a small understanding of what is required to make a marriage work and also what is required to restore/repair a marriage torn apart by an affair.
I don’t see that you have learned a lot, or if you have learned it, you are completely disregarding it all.
If you choose to use this stuff (MB principles) or not, that is your choice and I won’t fault you at all.
However, if you think that you are doing what you can to save your marriage, then you are greatly mistaken.
All we can do is give advice and you are free to take it or leave it. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">______________________________________
More insulting assumptions Chris. What I have learned, and what I know, and what I have done since D-Day you have no clue about. Sorry I diverted from the "script" but I have had more progress since "diverting" than the 7 proceeding months. We all have our limits and all have our lines drawn in the sand ie..what we are willing to put up with. I have reached my limit and can go on without her if need be, but I would rather go on with her if possible...if not life will go on regardless.


______________________________________

There were no insults intended in my previous post. If you took it that way, my apologies. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> If it had been my intent, it would have been very, very clearly an insult.

Okay, so you think I misunderstand everything, but...

STBXW had no interest in reconciling UNTIL she found out I was dating...NONE Chris. Why would that be?
Probably for the exact same reasons you had no interest in fixing the marriage until she had an affair. Simply because it was not a priority or a problem that needed dealing with.


You are sending so many mixed signals (from what you have written) that your wife and children are probably clueless <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> as to what you REALLY want, regardless of what you have told them.

"I'm not gonna stop seeing other people until you do and decide you want to stay married", is the very clear message you are sending your wife.

"If a marriage is not working out, it's okay to date others, EVEN if you want to stay married", is the message you are sending to your wife AND children.

Do you think this is not the message the children are receiving?

It's like tellin them not to smoke with a cigarette in your hand.

<small>[ September 23, 2004, 10:24 AM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>

October 6 has come and gone. Is your divorce now final? How are you doing?

Broken:

For what it's worth...I do understand what your saying. I read this post from the time you started it (not that I've been a member that long, just read it from the beginning) and you went to extreme lengths to show your wife that you loved her/wanted her etc. I think there is a limit as to what you are able to take, I know there would be for me.

I also understand the fact that you're dating, you can't be expected to be in suspended animation forever. I honestly don't know what I'd do if my husband moved in with another woman, I think I would seriously go off the deep end, I'm close to that now, and I'm not even 100% sure of the circumstances right now, all I know is my husband isn't sure he's in love with me, I've found no concrete evidence that there's an OP at all.

I think you've been a pillar of strength through this, you've handled things a lot better than a lot of people would.

The purpose of MB is to save your marriage, but in the event that it can't be saved, that you are okay with you, right? You appear to be okay with yourself, and you don't appear to hate your wife, which I personally feel is admirable, because she's definitely given you reason.

I want to save my marriage, more than anything else in the world, I love my husband with all my heart, but I don't know what I would do if he did the Jekyll and Hyde that your wife did....he still may, who knows. But there comes a point where they cease to be the person that you fell in love with, and then I don't know what you're supposed to do.

I certainly can't give up at this stage, I have not yet begun to fight for my marriage. And the times when my husband and I do have sex...when I'm in his arms, the gaping empty hole inside of me without him, is somehow temporarily filled....and I realize that he is the only one that can fill that space, he is part of me, and I am not whole without him. I am learning to function without him, but I don't like it. I am learning how long a person can go without food and sleep too, but it's not all that good for me. I tried to eat last night, only to throw it all back up. This is going to make me physically ill, and I can't seem to stop it.

Sorry...my train of thought de-railed. The point of the post was that I sympathize with you Broken, and don't fault you for being human, and needing to have contact with someone who isn't only interested in sucking every last drop of emotional energy you have left.

Stay Strong, you're an exceptional man.

-Caren

Chris, Belvue, Caren....

Chris, It seemed very insulting at the time especially considering the back breaking things I have done save my marriage. Of course I can't write everything that has happened or been said but trust me, I had reached my limit of being disrespected and mentally abused by my WW. I can't force her to be a good Mother or Wife, I can't force anybody to do anything however, I do have control over one thing and that is the way I allow her to treat me and the children. It is simple really, she wants to be out of our lives then she can truly see what life will be like in this house with her out of the picture. She doesn't like it but I have told her more times than I care to remember that for 8 months I begged and pleaded, changed and grew (still growing) and if she truly wanted our family forever it was her turn to start making some compromises, her turn to start showing US some change and growth. I never closed the door on her but OTOH I am not going to sit around while she plays games with the children and me. 3 of our 4 kids won't speak with her and that is through no, I mean NO backbiting on my part. I forced the kids to go with her when she diegned to be involved but about a month ago after listening to it for 3 months I finally told them it was up to them BUT they had to be the ones to tell her, Not me. In one sense I was hoping that id they had to tell her to her face it wouldn't happen but 3 of them did. I want to stress here that I haven't said one bad thing about her to them nor have I portrayed her in a bad light. I also told the kids that aren't going that they cannot hold it against the sibling that still goes and they are not to talk her out of it. There is more but I just want you to understand Chris that the decision to do what I did wasn't on a whim and wasn't done to hurt anyone, it was simply what I needed to get through and while I don't claim to be perfect, I think I did a pretty remarkable job trying to save my marriage. It was easy for a long time because I love her, still love the woman I married but unfortunately for my family, she doesn't exist anymore.

Belvue...
Yes, we are divorced. Doesn't mean the story is finished, just a new chapter. I have our 4 children and the house...basically everything except her clothes and she pays alimony and CS....We shall see....

Caren,
Thank you for your kind words and understanding. I know you love your husband and for that reason alone you should keep trying to grow and be a better you. It is truly all we have in the end. You are right, we are all different and we all have our limits and I reached mine. Truth be told I x-ed her out of our daily lives BEFORE I lost the last of my love or compassion for her, it was the only way for me to be able to move on without hating her very being for what she has done to our lives. I'm not a fatalist in any way but some people are what they are, and no amount of work, no amount of changing, no amount of growing will remedy the situation. Some people just are what they are Caren and no amount of influence will change them but the good thing is we can change, and we can change for the better. That is the only thing good that comes out of this whole mess.

If we never get back together, if we never reconcile, I have come to the conclusion that I am a better man than I was a year ago, I'll be a better man a year from now and the only way that would have happened is because she cheated on our marriage. I won't go as far as thanking her for it....lol....but in the end I may secretly thank her because the future is only looking up..with her or without her.

Hang in there Caren, do what you can and don't stress over things you aren't or won't become to save your marriage. We are still allowed to have self respect and dignity, draw our lines in the sand and be firm on what we are willing and not willing to live with. You are a good woman andif you do all you can and it still doesn't work the benefit is you can wake up knowing you did all you could and move on without guilt or remorse.

Broken Hubby,
How about an update?

Well Belle, it has been awhile since I was here and thanks for asking about things. It does mean something to me that others may be concerned about the situation or at least interested.

I guess I should start with the children. The relationship between them and my ex has slumped to the point that they haven't even spoken on the phone in 3 months. EW has made every excuse in the book to not see them. She has taken them about 8 times since November (only the two youngest, the 2 oldest won't speak to her at all). She saw then the 23rd of December but didn't even call Christmas morning and didn't speak to them or see them until the 10th of January. Sad really but not unexpected, she lives in her own world and if you aren't willing to survive there well, you are just out. She has standard visitation but I knew she wouldn't adhere to it so I suggested coming for them every friday night and coming back saturday night or whatever (I'm not interested in using the kids as weapons and have never nor would I ever say no to visiting unless I had previously made unbreakable plans. Ex went from "I taking them for all of my visitation" to "can I bring them back at 9am Saturday". I truly don't care and have left the kids to make up their own minds as to how much love that is from a mother. As I said earlier, 2 of them have made up their minds as to how much love that is but on the flipside I have told them that if they ever change their minds I will suport them in their decision and that they shouldn't be staying away from her for my benefit, I won't be hurt or happy either way.

It is tough, no doubt about it because my base instincts tell me to stick it to her anyway I can so that is a constant battle. Hey, I'm only human! I just have to remind myself that it just can't involve the kids in any way shape or form. So on to some of the things I have done to level the playing field a bit? Well, the utilities were all in her name so I ran them up to the very end of being cut off and sent her the bill and switched them into mine (utility reps were VERY helpful especially when they heard why) Also what little money she did provide over the months prior to an order I didn't claim (in ohio with no reciept it is a gift) so she is in great arrears with support. I also ran the cell bill to the stratosphere and gave it back to her. I figured that just about makes us even on expenses from the divorce. I wasn't looking for payback, I just figured out how much the divorce cost me in real money and sent her the bill via cell phones and utitlities and child support and now I am done with that. Of course that makes me a bigger a-hole in her eyes even though she didn't pay one thin dime to divorce me and it cost me thousands, thousands I didn't have.

On to the more interesting parts, the personal part of this mess.

Let's see, ex is still living with serial cheater. He hasn't filed for divorce yet, like I knew he wouldn't and like I suspect he never will. Even if he does it makes no difference, my ex shed her skin and I don't recognize the layer underneath. I have reached the point of not only am I over the whole marriage, I am completely disinterested in anything about her or what she is doing. I haven't spoken to her since before Christmas and she hasn't asked too. She couldn't be more uninterested int he kids daily living or their achievements academically or anything else for that matter. They have received 3 report cards since the beginning of the year and she hasn't asked to see them and the school doesn't send them to her. So life rolls on.....

As for me, I personally have decided to take the view that I am a widower, there just isn't a body to bury. The woman who is now in control of the flesh I was married to no longer exists and is foreign to me. The truly sad part is this, even if she were to come to me tomorrow and tell me it was all a terrible mistake and she was sorry and wanted to work things out.....I wouldn't take her back for a million dollars (or even 10 million dollars) there just isn't anything left and most importantly I have learned I could NEVER trust her again so what is the point? I could never scrape enough of this scar tissue off of my heart to give in completely again so no need to even consider it anymore....make sense?

On a lighter note, I will adhere to the marriage builder philosophy for the rest of my life...it is truly the only way to maintain a healthy relationship, it just won't be with my ex. Had my ex turnd it around earlier we would still be together and I would have an intact family but the road traveled has been long and hard and I will never travel down it again. Quite frankly, there are no guarantees that even if you follow the principles %100 that you will have success because the one thing I DO NOT agree with in marriage builders is that everyone is capable of infidelity under the right circumstances, I believe it is a character flaw for a person to seek comfort outside a relationship rather than fix the one they are in. Thats just me, and I've been known to be wrong but if that is the only slam I have about the Harleys work it is a very small one to be sure because without their body of knowledge I would have lost my mind about a year ago now.

I've been seeing someone exclusively for about 5 months now. She went through the same thing I did about 10 years ago with her husband (serial cheater, went back to him then divorced...4 kids as well so we make quite a troop going anywhere) Before her (or should I say before I saw her exclusively) I went through my period of trying to bed every woman around to re-assert my manhood. It was very fun but so unsatisfying because sex isn't what I am really seeking, what I really want is the same thing everyone else wants, a partner to go through life with.

One thing that I really don't like about the situation is my trust level, I have a very sneaking suspicion that I will never allow myself to fall so completely ever again. I really don't believe (for any of us) that once that sacred trust is broken, the one we gave our heart and souls too, can ever be remade with another. Once again I could be wrong but I do know this, I will never approach a situation like this the same way again if it ever happens. The first sign or proof of infidelity and it's over, I will never subject myself to this kind of torment ever again.

All in all though I am happy with the person I am seeing, baby steps y'know, and I am happy raising the kids on my own. Ups and downs, lefts and rights, backwards and forwards but for the most part I grow happier everyday and stronger in myself and beliefs. It is a process and I am still very early in it.

I know this was long and I tried to be brief but if anyone has any questions at all I would be more than pleased to fill in the blanks or expand on any topic.

I just want to say God Bless those still trying to save their marriage, it's noble, and the right thing to do.

God Bless all of you and good fortune in all you do.

once
BrokenHubby
now
Healingwell

I just noticed your post,and in reading it some things jumped out at me.

You have some unique turns of phrase and writing talent. Really good!

So, when you go out with this new woman (Is that still happening?) what kind of car do you all use? I count 10 people. Or is it public transport? Must be a sight! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Hey Bellevue,

I just happened to glance and see there was a reply here. I have been hanging out at the divorced/divorcing board for awhile.

Thanks for the compliment on the writing, if you are into sports at all you have probably read something I've written in the past.

Well, it is a crowd and yes we are still dating. I have a 9 passenger suburban and basically 2 liitle ones share a belt when we all go someplace. They sell a lap belt divider that turns 1 lap belt into 2 so it works. I am in the process of buying a 15 passenger van though, I was going to get it anyway because believe it or not it is better on gas than my 'burban. The kids and I love to camp and I was buying it to take out the last seat and it would stow all our gear plus it could shelter us if the weather turns to bad. My SO and her kids like to camp too so it looks like I'll be looking for a trailer to pull and another family size tent.

thanks for asking and be strong

RebornMan

No, I don't read anything to do with sports. However, I did spend 4 years writing midrashim with a rabbi, and we both loved words and writing and re-writing and Torah study. He died last June and I miss him and our work together.

Your new sitch sounds hectic but really lovely. One caution: have the kids "buddy up" while you go camping. With that many kids it would be too easy to lose track of one. I saw a TV program about a large family (all same parents; not a blended family.)

Each toddler was in charge of one older child. It wasn't a matter of forcing the older child to be a parent; it was a matter of with such a large group, Mom and Dad couldn't be everywhere at once.

I'm happy for you and I hope you continue to thrive and grow in your new relationship. You never saw this coming, did you? What a blessing!