Gosh, it's been a while since I've really posted. Sorry, I've just been so busy. Anyhow, on to my reasons for posting today...<P>Well, H's ex-OW, and my ex-best friend, is now 7 months pregnant. I truly find it difficult not to think about it almost all day long. It sickens me to think that my H's child is growing inside of HER! I think about my own pregnancy, how much I enjoyed carrying my child, and hate that she is getting to have this awesome experience because of my H. I almost feel obsessed with this! Well, H and I talked over the weekend. I asked if he thought the OC was his, he said he isn't exactly sure (of course) but that it is a huge possibility (duh, I know this, but I still asked him). Anyhow, I asked him if he has been totally honest about the affair, and well, I guess he hasn't. When he first told me about it, he said they had only had sex once, and that he used the pull out method. Well, a couple weeks after telling me this, he says that they had in fact had sex 3 times, still using the pull out method. Well, this weekend he said that they had sex 2 times before he found out she was pregnant. After he found out she was pregnant they had sex at least another 8 times, although he can't *remember*, and the pull out method was not used after he found out she was pregnant. I find his lack of memory to be unusually suspicious. He also admitted to other times he was unfaithful, both prior to our marriage and during. He has had a one time fling with a prostitute while in Hawaii (military), while married. He also admitted to sleeping with 4 different women while we were engaged, two prositutes while in England, a girl he met in a bar while in England. Another was a girl that I had been suspicious of him sleeping with, he had always told me that he had in fact gotten intimate with her but just couldn't have sex with her because he thought of me. I was a little surprised to hear all this, and wonder if his memory has failed him and there is more to this than he has admitted to so far. When I asked him if this was the full list, he replied "I'm not sure, I can't remember, but I think so." I was sickened! I about flew off the handle, but left the room before I could say anything else deragatory and then came back to bed and went to sleep. On Sunday he called prego ex-OW to see how she was, and he was also calling to talk to her about the DNA testing. Well, I told him the only way I was comfortable with him talking to her was in front of me. They talked for a while casually. He never even mentioned a thing about the DNA. Then he said, "I'm sorry". Shortly after he told her, "I need to let you go, I'll call later." I asked him what that was all about. He said, " Ijust feel so bad about all this." I asked him if he felt bad for her. He replied that he did. I asked him how he could feel so bad, knowing that she was skipped her BC while intimate with him. He told me how he and the ex-OW had promised not to ever "hurt" one another and that while he was on the phone with her she brought this up and said that my H hadn't kept up his end of that deal. He also said that she had been there for him during our bad times, she had been his only source of comfort and that she was always "there" for him. I said, well, look where her being there for you got you. Anyhow, I can't believe that she is trying to make him feel bad. She is just as much to blame for what has happened. She knowingly slept with a MM and she got pregnant. She knew she didn't take her BC faithfully, and honestly I think that she wanted to get pregnant at the time. And also, it's like the friendship between her and I never existed. She doesn't mention how we talked about being there for each other...she definately didn't keep up her end of that bargain!! I also found a picture of her and I this weekend. It made me sick seeing us that close. It brought back the memories of how great of a friend I thought she was at the time.<P>H is constantly trying to protect her feelings. He won't come straight out and tell her, hey the DNA is going to be performed at such and such time. He constantly seems apologetic and sympathetic to her. His constant alibi for this behavior is, "She's the mother of my child". So what, she's also the person who tried to RUIN our marriage. She is a liar, a hypocrite, and she is manipulative!! I don't know what to do. I'm on the verge of insanity. I can't seem to get anything done around the house, I'm just slowly losing it!!!

{{{{{{{{{{<B>Moving Foward</B>}}}}}}}}}},<P>I'm sorry you have to go through this...<P>BTW... remind folks about the OC in your posts subjects... those in a like situation will come and help more quickly.<P>About your husbands previous "tansgressions"... try and be accepting that he is willing to tell you about them... These are first <B>good</B> steps in practicing "honesty". I can understand it's hard... especially when he says I can't remember... But if you knock him down... his memory may fail more often.<P>About the ex-OW... that's a tough one.<BR>Anyway you can restrict his conversations?...<BR>How about asking him to write a letter once a week to her with your "input" (not "review")?...<BR>How about putting the DNA testing issue in one of those letters?...<BR>How about a commitment to have her not call at all?...<P>I don't know where exactly you are in recovery... but a little brain-storming on minimizing the contact would be good. Have you and your H planned out a personal <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3500_policy.html" TARGET=_blank>Policy of Joint Agreement(POJA)</A>?<P>I'm praying for you... <P>Jim<BR>

I am sorry for the situation that you are in. But I was disturbed by your lack of blame onto your H. You said she is to blame for not using BC. That she shouldn't have messed around. Yes, she betrayed you just as your H. But by placing the blame soley on her is not going to ease what has happened. It was up to your H to protect your LIFE. And by that I mean protection. I don't want to upset you, but come on, you did love this woman as a friend for something good inside of her, just like you still love your H. They both betrayed you and they BOTH were careless with your heart. Placing blame on her does not make your H clean and it may help you deal with things in your mind, but you have to first accept that yes they did this, there is no way to change what has happened, and now this is going to be your future. It is now up to your H to make a better life for his family. And it is up to you to make a better life for YOU. Hope i didn't ramble.

trying2-4give<P>Sorry if it wasn't clear that I also blame H, because I do!!! It was up to my H to protect my life, but because she portrayed herself as my friend, I also trusted her, not to the extent that I trusted H, but it was trust. Right now I am sickened that the XOW is trying to make H feel so horrible for putting her in the situation that she is in, as if she isn't to blame and should be pitied. She brings up the fact that H didn't keep his end of the deal by hurting her. Well, I'm pissed that she has no regard for what she did to me! No, I don't pity either of them. H has expressed over and over how sorry he is, so I guess I've been able to forgive him some. XOW has not expressed how badly she feels for f***ing up my families whole life. She just continues to try to manipulate my H and get everyone to feel sorry for her. Of course I'm mad at H, he also knew that she didn't faithfully take her BC. He should have used a condom. He should have done alot of things different! I just feel that XOW used me to get to H. She was waiting for the right opportunity to take advantage of the situation, and she did! In fact, she told me how she had "loved" my H for a "very" long time. She told me that H and I were getting divorced and that she was going to make sure that she and H married. She's also related to BIL. So as you can see this is a very complicated situation. It's really hard, I don't trust anyone right now. I have no friends. My family is about it. It may be unhealthy, but I can't open myself up to more pain right now.<P>quote:<BR>"I don't want to upset you, but come on, you did love this woman as a friend for something good inside of her, just like you still love your H. "<P>Well, I loved her for what I *thought* was inside of her. She played a good game. Yes, there were times that she was probably sincere. But after all I know now, I'd have to say that she was trying to manipulate the situation from the beginning. H and I on the other hand made a commitment, between ourselves and God, for life that we would stick together. He made no such commitment to XOW and neither did I.

Thank your for more insight to your relationship with your ex-best friend. I am sorry for my previous remarks. It just came off as you blaming her for all. I understand your pain of infidelity too well. But understand that you may never get any plea's of forgiveness from your ex-best friend. She probably feels extremely stupid right now. She thought your H would leave you and she would be the winner. So she is probably thinking how stupid she must look to everyone and the last thing she wants is for you to pity her, so don't hold out on her asking for forgiveness, just DON'T give her the power over your emotions anymore. If your H doesn't see that she is being manipulative to get him to come back, that is probably because he doesn't want to see it. You will come into yours in your own time.