My husband and I have only been married a month. I love him with all my heart. He's my best friend, my soul mate.<P>I have read some of Dr. Harleys books and I get the whole intimacy/conflict/withdrawal scene. With us, my husband unintentionally hurts me and it just builds up. I reach a certain point where I completely withdraw. And no matter what he does, I can't seem to come back to him. I want to, in my head, but when he reaches for me, something inside feels the uncontrollable need to push him away.<P>I don't know how to return from Withdrawl to Intimacy. I don't know what I need from my husband to do it. He is willing to do anything, I just don't know what I need. I love him so much and it kills me to see him try when I feel like I can't respond.<P>Does anyone have any suggestions? Do you have trouble opening up once you reach Withdrawal? How do you find a way to come back?

Hi Laura,<BR>HMMM...lets see unintentionally hurts you? How? Im quite the sensitive gal myself Does he acknowledge the hurt he "unintentionally caused you? Sometimes the pressure of a man being a good provider for his family can get the best of him or so in my case. I'd like to hear whats going on. It is safe here and no one judges anyone.<BR>Welcome Laura! Chin up<BR>ruby <p>[This message has been edited by ruby (edited September 14, 1999).]

Hi Ruby. Thanks for your response.<P>The things my husband does that hurt me aren't things he says. It's more how he treats me. He says he loves me and that I "come first" but it seems like his work, his friends & his family always come first.<P>When he's here, he's loving and affectionate. It just seems like he hardly has time anymore. I guess my feelings get hurt because I feel so unimportant & disregarded. All I want is to feel like I matter to him.<P>He's trying really hard to do well & be successful in his career, and he says that he does that because he is thinking about me and trying to "provide" for me. But all I want is a husband who will love me and be there for me.<P>Maybe I expect to much. I just feel so lonely all the time, and then when he finally has some time for me, I've distanced myself emotionally so much that I can't bring down the walls that have built up.

Laura,<P>A gift that I've been giving as a wedding present is one of Dr. Harley's books---the Four Gifts of Love. You should order this for yourself, and work through it with your husband.<P>The four gifts are the four rules for successful marriages: the rules of Protection (no lovebusters), Care (meet emotional needs), Honesty (complete), and Time (15 hrs/week). The two of you can use this book as a "owners manual" to a great marriage---if you both learn the skills in keeping your marriage alive and healthy, you'll benefit a million times over for the modest effort involved. The two of you need to learn the skills necessary to put aside your instincts (the "Taker" in you) and start treating each other with the love and respect that you both deserve.<P>You're here very early in your marriage. That's great---my wife and I learned all these skills and are prospering in our rebuilt marriage, but only after a terrible affair, a separation, and the birth of a child from that affair. Do your work NOW---and don't go down that path. If you need help with it, Steve Harley here at Marriage Builders is a great coach; he does phone counseling (888-639-1639).