Good morning gang, yeah I know it's early but I'm usually up at this time getting ready for work.
My question today is what do I do after the GF and I get married and her X trys to cause problems like showing up all the time or just plain making an [censored] of himself. I leaning towards making him her problem that way I don't get involved. I feel she is capable of handling the man but what do I do if I find she avoids handling it just to avoid rocking the boat with him.I feel he will become a pain in the rear for us and I may have to step in and solve it myself. If I do that I won't Mr Niceguy I will barbeque his bacon big time.
She do not have to worry about my X cause I've take great pains to ensure that she knows not to bother me. If any of you are in a second marriage and have X problems how do you solve them or your spouse solves them?

231

Hi 231,

I haven't been married a second time but I can tell you it would make me feel very good and very special to see that my H is taking care of this. It would make me feel admired and desired and I would get the feeling of having a H that I can count on and lean on.

I would just like to see it done in a way that has "style". Just getting the point over to other guy that this is your wife and he is to leave her alone because she is your #1!!!!!!! and you will fight for her.

I'd surely feel great and I'd have the feeling that my H truely loves me and I can count on him. It sure would fill in my Love Bank!!!!!!!!

But this is only what I think, I cannot say that this is how you wife might think. I just like the feeling I get when I see that my H is willing to fight for me. It makes me feel food.

hope this helps abit

take care
BB

Hi 231,

I don't write often anymore, but BOY did your post jump out at me.

I wish I had taken some kind of class before marrying a second time. I wish EVERYONE would. It would prepare us, or maybe scare the living $hit out of us. Second marriages are VERY hard work. Much harder, in my opinion, than first marriages, for myriad reasons.

Well as someone who **is** there, let me offer what to me is the reality:

In a per-per-perfect world, all of us (Me, My H, My H's ex, My ex) would get along famously, neither of our ex's would ever *cross a line* emotionally, physically or financially, the children of the first marriage would flourish, and the second marriage would thrive.

Um, it's just not the reality for us, or for the many other second marriages I know about.

Both my ex and my H's ex have expressed that they made a mistake letting us go, and have hinted or outright asked us to return. Let me be clear about this -- AFTER we were divorced from them, and married to each other. Do you hear me? And does this horrify you as much as it did us? Talk about ripping us apart inside! They didn't want us back, not really, until we married someone else.

Now in our case, we married very soon after the divorces, and had we waited the alloted two years, things might have been different. We'll never know on that one. But even among those that DO wait to marry, and think they're fully prepared... there is often disappointment.

If I could write a letter to all people considering a second marriage, especially with young children of the first marriage, it would be like this:

<ahem!! Clearing throat>

Dear Stb-second Spouse,

RUN!!!! You heard me <bull horn> RUN DAMMIT!!!!

<End of letter>

(Note to self: I bet this won't deter anyone)

Now back to your original question:

231, it is NOT your place to keep your GF's ex in line, it's HERS. If she avoids "rocking the boat" now, be prepared, it will continue. And mark my words, it will cause a problem in your marriage unless you can learn to accept it. Your jumping in to rescue her, or to take over the situation, WILL NOT WORK.

Also, it's my guess that even though you've gone to great lengths to prepare your ex, when you marry GF, she (your ex) will have some issues of her own.

And just as it is not your place with your wife-to-be's ex, it will not be her place to take care of your ex. That will be your job.

I know this all sounds very negative. I truly am sorry about that.

I'm sure that there are MANY second marriages that are WONDERFUL ~~ where love does conquor all, and everyone is happy and healthy.

I haven't seen many though. That's the reality.

If I were you, 231, I'd go to the divorcing board and get opinions. You might be surprised at what you find.

Best wishes with your GF, and with your new life. I'd love to see you make a success of your second marriage.

<small>[ August 07, 2002, 06:19 AM: Message edited by: new_beginning ]</small>

applauding out here, bravo, Sheryl. Perfect response. I can't add anymore - except tell you what the past 13 years of a 2nd marriage have been like concerning X's.

I remarried 5 years after my divorce. My X remarried 2 years after our divorce. When my current husband one time met my X while we were exchanging kids for visitation, my X told my soon to be husband that those were his kids, and that I was his wife that he F***** for 12 years, so he should "get lost". He was remarried at the time to my children's stepmother from hell.

Immediately he & his wife (OW from our marriage) went to meet my soon to be husband's X x-wife - and tried to poison her against me, and tried to encourage her not to send her children to visit their father while I was around.

It was hell with both of them for many years, and consequently really gave us a sandy foundation for forming a blended family. Their kids never gave me a chance. It is still a bad situation, 13 years later - for the kids.

Now, the X's and us get along. My husband's X moved 2000 miles a couple of years ago to be near her children who were living with us. She moved a few doors down. That did not set well with me whatsoever. She still wanted her x-husband (my husband) back, although she was remarried. Her poor husband.

We recently hired his X-wife's husband to do the plumbing on our remodel. We've told each other that it is time that we all get along for the kids sake. His X and I planned a party for their daughter's graduation, and it went really well. It was probably more uncomfortable for the kids than us adults, but I think after 13 years of a bunch of bologne, it is worth the try.

Do I trust my husband's X? nope. But, I am learning to trust my husband, and I watch him to see if he sends any overly friendly signals when X is around, and he is very cautions, thank God. 2 years ago, it was not so.

All I know, is that if I knew now what I should have known then, I think all of the x's and my husband and I would have said that the second marriage was not worth it - at least for a much longer period of time than 5 years past divorce - maybe 10 or 15 years past, but I still don't know if it is worth it!

Sheryl is right. Think twice, 231. Also, remember, you have a very sandy foundation with your girlfriend - she was not free - she was married when you fell in love with her. I am afraid those marriages are usually the worse kind.

Tnt

trustntruth
Right now as far as I've been told by both parties that they don't want each other.As for her kids I babysat they and have done things with them and we get along. When the time comes and me and her are married I don't expect them to call me dad.To them I'm me and we just a freind who looks after them.My kids like her and all the kids get along so there should be no problem with that. As for GF she maybe short but she could go toe to toe with a grizzly bear and probally win so her ex knows this and will behave.He has always been intimated by my size and aditude so I think he will not be a problem. What I was looking for is when is my place to keep quiet and when do I speak up?

231