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Joined: Mar 1999
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I sent the following column, which was printed in our Sunday paper last week, to my husband. He read it and replied:<P>"The article said the marriage is a lot of hard work. I agree, but why is it that way? My thoughts is that, living with someone should be a joyous experience. Sure there are times when things don't go as expected and<BR>there is a problem. We keep staying in that problem area and it has taken away the joy of being married. If we asked the people surveyed in the article I sure they would say there has been a closeness between the<BR>couples that help them get through there tough times."<BR>----------------<P>I am interested in knowing how you might respond to his "Why is it that way?".<P>Article follows.<P>A good marriage requires hard work<P>By Kathleen Parker <P>Published in The Orlando Sentinel on March 24, 1999.<P><BR>What makes marriage work? If I knew the answer to that question, I'd be trading my canoe for a yacht. Instead, I'm attending seminars, listening to experienced husbands and wives trade secrets.<P>As secrets go, this one won't tempt the<BR>grapevine. The consensus seems to be that there is no answer. There's no one-size-fits-all formula that guarantees a happily-ever-after ending, though eliminating the last line in fairy tales might be a good start.<P>My favorite remark in a recent, informal<BR>discussion of marriage came from a mother who<BR>said she edits her children's fairy tales. At the end of every story, she tells her little ones, "They fell in love, got married and worked very, very hard."<P>Married people don't need reminding that<BR>marriage is hard work. We all learn, usually within a couple of years, that the blush of "love" (read:lust in most cases) fades when the stresses of real life settle in -- bills, mortgages, jobs, children. Then we begin to notice the little things about our beloved, once considered adorable idiosyncrasies, that illuminate the genius behind duplexes.<P>Yet, the hard work of a relationship is the last thing people consider when they're planning a wedding.<P>That said, I'm not of the school that weddings should be eliminated.<P>Everybody knows most brides today should wear<BR>beige, but some traditions are worth preserving for their own sake. I like weddings. I like the music, the flowers, the dresses, the pageantry, as well as the undercurrents and subplots inherent in<BR>all human endeavors. I also like hearing the vows again, to be reminded of how we all felt once upon a time.<P>Even so, we'd do everyone a favor were high<BR>school graduation conditional upon successful<BR>completion of a marriage and parenting course. Most kids today could lead a workshop on condom selection and application, but they<BR>couldn't muddle through a cogent argument with a loved one.<P>Meanwhile, we might also point out to the<BR>marriage-bound that life is not short. It can be remarkably long when you're badly married.<BR>Imagine getting married at 18 and living to be, say, 87 -- with the same person pulling the blanket from your side of the bed every single night for the rest of your life. The fact is, we never imagine it.<P>We also tend to think: If it doesn't work, we can always get a divorce. This is not a good concept going in the door. If you're always watching the clock for quitting time, you're probably not doing your work.<P>For marriage is work, and there's no quitting<BR>time. It's a work in progress based on compromise, sacrifice and mutual respect, which is actually less fun than it sounds.<P>One woman who spoke during this informal<BR>discussion said she and her husband have<BR>divorced five times and remarried six during their 33 years of marriage. That is, at every turning point in their marriage, they renegotiated their contract. What's working; what's not? What do we need from one another to keep this thing going?<P>What kept her and her husband from getting a<BR>real divorce when things went south was something we don't teach the young -- the<BR>expectation and understanding that marriage is a series of ups and downs, that some days (and weeks and months) marriage isn't fun at all.<P>The secret -- if there is one -- may be so simple as to have escaped our notice. It's called sticking it out. You probably won't be slow-motion running through fields of clover every day. On the other hand, you may look across the breakfast table one morning and lock eyes with someone who knows you better than anyone else in the world, and loves you anyway.<BR>-------------<BR>Thanks,<P>Sharon<BR>

Joined: Feb 1999
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Joined: Feb 1999
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Well I would have to say the article put a smile on my face. There were many true feelings expressed. As a veteran (married close to 19 years and been in this relationship with no separations whatsoever in 25 years) I can say it is definitely hard work. I like to think that we stopped several times throughout the years and had to reinvent ourselves. (probably without even realizing we were doing it.) Whenever we hit tough times, finding a way through them while staying together and weathering through them always seemed more important than even the problem itself. Why does it have to be hard work.... because asking two individual humans to coexist side by side, day after day, year after year, without facing some conflicting ideas, needs and wants would seem impossible. Think about it-- even with our parents, or children, you possess that undying love-- yet sometimes they can be impossible to live with and you yearn for that separate time. So why should the relationship of marriage be any different. You just have to believe in the love and the strength of the two of you together. We are currently going through a tough getting along time and I am working HARD right now to help keep it all together and come out being even more whole.

Joined: Mar 1999
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I agree with what you say. I understand that marriage requires work. It is H who doesn't get it. He just thinks it ought to be wonderful all the time. I think it is a level of maturity or lack of....<P>Well, we have a day trip planned for Sunday. My personal goal is to behave in a pleasant and light way- not loaded with emotions. I need to see this separation in some other way, other than the desperation that I have been feeling. <P>Sharon

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Sounds like it can be a bit of lack of maturity or reality...or a male thing...sorry for the male bashing...but men do seem to want things to come easy to them. Well, I don't know to much of your own personal story, but I would suggest you treat him on your day trip the way you would if it were a first date...don't mention any old baggage, put away all hard feelings and concentrate on the day and the newness of it...it's spring after all and time for all things to start anew....good luck and enjoy your day.


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