Every time my wife and I discuss our problems we end up fighting. I know that I have my part in it that I have to quite doing but the reason I end up doing it all wrong is becuase I feel that my wife is not willing to make an effort to find solutions. She expects me to do it all while she shoots down any suggestions I make which would meet my needs and then doesn't make any suggestions herself.

Hi Lost,<BR>If your wife refuses to go, have you thought about going to counseling by yourself? When we are not getting what we want from our partners, we often become demanding without meaning to. It’s human nature. And of course, the more demanding we become, the more the other person withdraws. It’s a horribly vicious cycle. That’s why we have to understand that we can’t control another person’s feelings or actions, we can only control our own. Maybe if you go to counseling by yourself for a while, you will begin to understand what’s going on inside of you. When your wife begins to see that change in you, it will in turn cause her to shift in her actions and feelings towards you. I know it sucks to be in your situation, but the sooner you realize that you can’t make her do anything she’s not ready or willing to, the sooner you will find peace. Do your part, and the rest will begin to fall into place. I hope everything starts to turn for you, Lost!<BR>

Really Lost and Spotlight:<P>I am going through the exact same thing with constant rejection around every corner. My wife told me the other day that we would not have sex anymore until she wants it and that I was to quit trying. I told her I would respect her wishes. Today she pushed away two attempted hugs from with disgust and she wonders why I am walking around on pins and needles around her. It is very difficult and punishing. I question myself everyday how much longer I can withstand. I swallow my pride and avoid anger. She just told me she doesn't want to go out this weekend even though she is gone again next weekend. I feel she has escaped every weekend for the last month. I am soory this is not a positive response, you are not alone out there!

Really Lost and Spotlight:<P>I am going through the exact same thing with constant rejection around every corner. My wife told me the other day that we would not have sex anymore until she wants it and that I was to quit trying. I told her I would respect her wishes. Today she pushed away two attempted hugs from me with disgust and she wonders why I am walking around on pins and needles around her. It is very difficult and punishing. I question myself everyday how much longer I can withstand. I swallow my pride and avoid anger. She just told me she doesn't want to go out this weekend even though she is gone again next weekend. I feel she has escaped every weekend for the last month. I am sorry this is not a positive response, you are not alone out there!

To Really Lost and Devoted:<P>Understanding that marriages and other relationships will be viable and prove beneficial to both only if both parties to the same have their individual basic needs being fulfilled at the same time, or very close to the same timeframe, do either of you think that it is at all possible that you could get your spouse to agree to live for some predetermined amount of time under the following two rules posed by Dr Harley? After all, what difference will a few weeks or months mean if it works, especially in light of the time already invested and what one stands to gain if success reigns.<P>I quote, "Do whatever you can to make the other person happy, unless it makes you unhappy, and avoid anything that makes others unhappy, unless avoiding it makes you unhappy;" and "Do whatever you can to make yourself happy, unless it makes the other person unhappy, and avoid anything that makes you unhappy, unless avoiding it makes the other person unhappy."<P>It is an order of the highest magnitude I know; but acheiving this lofty goal will certainly cool hot emotions, stem negative outside influences and make for some much needed conversations, skillful negotiations to get things done and an ordering of needs, desires and priority setting in any relationship or marriage. Of course it will work only if both are committed to living by the rules and both are willing and courageous enough to be freely and totally honest with each other - no threats and no standing in judgement, just abiding by the rules for -X- amount of time. Remember, that for which you seek is still there. It may be tarnished, bruised and somewhat changed and worn with age and thoughtless neglect; but it is still there and now it is up to you both to find it.