He didn't give me much time to try! He said he wanted to leave and now a week later I have a solid date and its only 4 days away. Everytime I ask him to stay, he says "please, don't push me away before C's birthday." So now what do I do? Do I continue with plan A, or what? How do I tell the kids and do I start planning the new life I'm forced to deal with now? He says I should find a new job right away so that I can support myself better while I'm gone, but will this make him think that he doesn't need to come back and that I want hime to go?

I'm so sorry. Mine never actually left, so it was easier. However, there are a number of folks on the PlanA/PlanB board who are doing Plan A despite spouse leaving...some have had more success than others...some have even ended up posting In Recovery...<P>Come on over...there's lots of support...

MIH - <P>I've been following your posts since yesterday. I noticed you responded to my long winded thread so I thought it was time to speak up.<P>You are right, our situations do sound similar. However, it sounds to me like you are still in the initial "shock" phase I was in when he told me this despite the fact I thought our marriage was getting better each year.<P>I would encourage you to go back to my long story and specifically read posts to me by Just Learning. He was actually harsh at first, but woke me up to the way the situation looks to someone not involved. He asked me some very pointed questions about how I feel about my H and how I've treated him. These things made me begin the introspection that has led me to the realization that I didn't like the person I had become.<P>Not all these things will apply to you, the point I make is this: I felt panic and despair at the onset. But when I began to actually focus on ME and not HIM and evaluate myself and my actions, I realized some changes had to be made. Then, slowly, I've begun practicing those changes. In small ways that seem insignificant, but - after all- it was the years of small things that chipped away at my H's feelings and the foundation of our marriage.<P>The one thing I can honestly say now, and you may see this in one or another of my posts, is that even though he is leaving, even though I still love him - letting go of the CONTROL and realizing I cannot control this situation or his actions - only myself, well... all these things have given me an inner peace. I know it is bizzare, but amid the turmoil, and learning new hurtful things about the situation each day, I can refocus on myself and actually end the day pleased with my effort and happy with me. <P>Your comment about children needing and being support from/for you is very true. Just the little things with my Son make me feel better. Bath time, brushing his teeth, saying goodnite prayers, playing kickball with him and his cousins.<P>It looks bleak right now. You have that jumpy feeling in your stomach that tells you to DO SOMETHING BEFORE ITS TOO LATE! I know, I know. But try this: try letting go. Not giving up, but knowing you cannot be responsible for anyone's behavior or actions but your own. <P>Have you done the EN questionnaire? How about the LB questionnaire? Has H given you any REASON for leaving? Even a reason you may have not thought valid? Read Harley's Basic Concepts first. I found myself (ugly ugly ugly) on those pages. I found my daily activities posted in the section on Love Busting. Hurtful, depression realization about myself. But a positive one, and a very necessary one.<P>I hope this helps. Maybe give us all a little more insight by answering my questions above. <P>I'm still going through it every day, the waiting and not knowing and pain and strain of dealing with a confused 4 year old. Keep posting, I'll keep listening and let you know the triumphs or mistakes I make along the way. Each of us is different, but we all learn from each other.<P>Cali

Cali, oh thank you thank you. I really have been in shock and I didn't think it was obvious to anyone. Yes, I do get support from my children. I spent the afternoon with them and enjoyed it. I think I am finally realizing that his decisions aren't necessarily against me, just aren't what I want. I began looking for a new job today, so I can support myself when he leaves, and I think I am finally accepting the fact that I'm not going to keep him here. I haven't done the questionnaire. I printed it out, but when he had no interest I threw it in the corner(amidst one of my tantrums,but don't worry, he didn't see that tantrum) and haven't touched it. I will get it out and at least fill out my portion. He still hasn't given any concrete reasons. Just that this has been building up for some time. I do think some has to do with depression and some has to do with him feeling inadequate as a father and some has to do with frustration over not being able to "make" it work. We were engaged, but not married when I found out I was pregnant with our first child and we were married the next week, without a big wedding like we had been planning. He wasn't quite ready and neither was I. I thought and so did he that we would quickly get past that, but with a child we weren't ready for, financial trouble and being married when we still felt like we hardly knew eachother, we just settled into a life of duties. I thought that if we just gave it time, things would work out and we would have more of a chance to get to know eachother. I should never have waited to work on our relationship, but I was happy, my Taker was greedily taking and my Giver sat back quietly to watch. He Gave himself out. Now I find myself trying to give 5 years worth in 5 days. I know it won't work. I just know I still have to keep loving him, because as you said, it was me who caused a lot of this and I am the one who has to fix it by letting him know I love him, even if he has lost his ability to keep loving me. I still want to be his friend.

MIH - <P>You make me cry! You are coming to the same realizations I did. What you said about giving 5 years worth in 5 days is EXACTLY how I was feeling. But you know what? I was trying SO hard, almost maybe too hard. Now I'm getting burnt out and feel myself slipping into withdrawal.<P>There are still things I've been procrastinating on, like the EN. Got my part figured out - BUT can't approach him yet with any of it since he has no intention of working on the marriage. So I need to fill out an EN for him, just as if I was him. Try to remove myself from me. Then I can spend my effort on the ENs that MATTER instead of wasting all my energy with the wrong things and wearing myself out emotionally.<P>Just thought I'd let you know my new strategy of the day in case you want to try it too.<P>Keep me posted. I'm thinking of you!!<P>Cali<P>------------------<BR>

Cali, I just looked at can't take it anymore. It sounds like you are frustrated with plan A. I understand, believe me! I guess what keeps me going is a positive self-image,(pills help, Ha ha) anyhow, I just try to think of myself as a wonderful perfect wife,(when making an effort) is the only person in the whole world that he would possibly want to come back to. Sure I've made mistakes, I'm human, but when in planA I have done a terrific job, I keep a tally everyday in my head, I thought maybe I should put it on paper, of how many times I keep my cool and how many times I accidentally LB him. It makes me see I'm doing a great job and can't make him do one too. I've told friends and family that I love him and support him, I don't let them know that I'm very very angry inside. That way when they talk to him, and they will, they can't say I have been talking bad about him without lying. Then he gets the message that I really am his friend. I have been offering to let him take this or that, showing that I am genuinly concerned about his needs, then I let him reply. If he says yes I say okay, if he says no, I say okay. I don't help him pack, but do try to act as though I would if he asked. I have trouble talking to him at times, so I wrote him a very long letter. I explained that I know he is confused, I know he feels stuck, he doesn't want to leave and tear the family apart, but that he feels he just can't stay. Then I told him I have one request, that he tell me if he NEEDS ANYTHING! I made it clear that that meant absolutely anything, if he needs to shout at the top of his lungs about what a terrible life he has and degrade me in the process, I will still be there to listen.(I don't have any worry that he would ever physically abuse me, so that isn't even an issue.) After that, I just finished my letter and told him he's always welcome back and we'll miss him. I am now more focused on keeping my life intact. I was only working 2 nights a week and suddenly need a well paying full time job and daycare to go with it. I ask him details about his plans if I need to know, but let him make them while I make mine. I'll still be here and still listen, but I try to get away from depending on him or letting him depend on me. It is very hard. Good luck. I think of you every day. You'll be okay, whatever happens. Let me know how its going. After saturday, I won't be able to come here except once a week or so, because he is taking the computer and I have to borrow time, or use library time, but I'll still keep you posted and check your posts.