Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Joined: May 2003
Posts: 31
H
Member
OP Offline
Member
H
Joined: May 2003
Posts: 31
My first post here. Wife asked for a divorce 3 days ago, but then said she was willing to try to work things out still. Major problem: incompatibility.

Immediately following decision to work for marriage, I began doing everything I could think of to make her happier (including asking her repeatedly if she could think of anything I could do to make her happier). It's been three days and despite my efforts I can see things sliding downhill still. I found this website last night and spent about 4 hours glued to the screen. I do not think that I'm being over optomistic due to distress when I say that I truly believe everything about this method and that it should work. However, my beliefs happen to conincide with Dr. Harley's and I already know that any independent behaviors I exhibit have the potential to erode the bonds of my marriage. My wife though, is definitely not going to feel warmly towards this concept.

I'm a full-time college student and my wife works evenings at a resort bar because we cannot afford daycare for our son (neither school nor work offers daycare). She usually works until around 2 am. She has started going out with co-workers after work until around 5 am to "unwind" since she "could not sleep if she came home anyways." I consider her work schedule a worst-case scenario and something that I hope is short-lived. I also consider time in bed together, EVEN IF ASLEEP, as quality bonding time with my parter. She sees it as useless time and "why should I care if she's there or not when I'm asleep?".

When she is gone, I have trouble sleeping and my heart races everytime a car passes as I hope it is her coming home to me. At night this is horrible. We have cell phones, but she always has an excuse as to why hers wasn't with her, or it was off, or it didn't ring, etc. We made an agreement yesterday that she would always have her cell phone on and with her so that I can at least know where she is and hope to get some sleep. Last night, she went out until 5 am again and "did not think she needed to take her cell phone because I should be sleeping anyway." I was hurt and frustrated.

She says it's just unwinding with "family type" people from work with whom she can vent similar experiences with from the evening's work (makes sense). Within the last few weeks, (before she began this new job) she admitted to going out to bars without my knowledge. The other day she decided that she wanted to trade our car for an SUV. This morning, I looked at her recently called/received phone numbers on her cell phone (for a legitimate reason) and found that she had erased all of them SINCE last night at 5 am when I talked to her in "the parking lot at Denny's" which is only a mile from our home. I'm trying not to be suspicious but I also don't want to be a sucker. In a heart felt conversation yesterday, we both agreed to air any past lies or deceptions so that we could start anew. She did offer a couple but nothing about an affair. She said that she doesn't know why she erased the numbers; that she just was sitting there and did it (and was, of course, disgusted that I asked her and looked in the first place).

Her night time activitiies are limiting our daytime interactions. Given the 2 hours it takes her to get ready for work, we end up with about an hour together each day, at best.

I'm trying to get her to read this website, but she contends that she doesn't have time until her days off. I told her that at 3 in the morning when she is awake and not sleepy she is choosing to go out with coworkers over my feelings and working on our marriage (she could come home and read website). I feel like I'm getting more and more hurt on a daily basis and that I'll soon need to withdraw. I told her this was my feeling and why I felt it was urgent for her to just sit down and read. I need us both to have the tools to get through this and still be in love (she assures me that she is still in love with me and finds me attractive).

Alright, sorry to write my life's history. She is sleeping and I needed to get it all out (again) without an angry outburst slapping me back. I'm going to wake her up at noon. After arguing until 9 this morning that will have given her a full 3 hours sleep (I know that more sleep would help the issue...read on). I need for her to read this website and at least read this website and hopefully agree to try it. Even if she doesn't agree to try it, I want to somehow get her to come home this evening so that I don't get hurt again and we can have more time to discuss things tomorrow. I don't think that she'll be willing to negotiate her time after work and if she does, she may be lying with the expectation of going out.

Look, I'm willing to drop out of school, get a job, her quit hers and get a day job, and us pay for some daycare (heck I'm willing to do almost anything) if it would save our marriage. I know "dropping-out" sounds horrible but I'd rather live an uneducated life of poverty with my wife than to lose her.

I've forgotten my questions. If anyone feels like commenting, I will enjoy reading the feedback. If not, thank you for letting me vent.

Hans

p.s. I have been an inconsiderate jerk, inattentive of her basic feelings and self-esteem for the last 4 years. She has also done her share of tormenting behaviors and activities. I am certainly understanding of her desire to act out. I'm just so worried that she will not be willing to fully adhere to the details of this method.

Joined: May 2003
Posts: 31
H
Member
OP Offline
Member
H
Joined: May 2003
Posts: 31
I just thought of a couple of items that I would like hearing responses to. I've read all of the other, similar, post in this forum and find it very helpful in validating my fears and insecurities. However, a common solution (beyond talking/understanding eachother better) seems to be to make arrangments to go with spouse.

I can't do that!!! a 2 in the morning, we have no access to a babysitter. Beyond that, while working through this issue, I can't know what time she gets off and that she is really coming home within agreed (hopefully) timeframe.

Hans

Joined: May 2003
Posts: 31
H
Member
OP Offline
Member
H
Joined: May 2003
Posts: 31
Okay, wife read most of website and then read the other topic in this forum. She was visibly distraught as she began to understand my point of view about her going out every night until 5 am. She just didn't understand how it affected me or why it should. I do believe her that she is not having an affair (emotional or physical) with anyone.

We are going to fill out the EN and LB questionaires together tomorrow and try to begin a new method of marriage using Dr. Harley's ideas. I am so relieved right now. Poor thing, she woke up at 11:30 (2.5 hours of sleep), read all of this, and then talked with me before she just got in the shower to get ready to go back to work.

Hans

Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 413
E
Member
Offline
Member
E
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 413
hansh, I have never posted on this topic. I usally post on Pregnancy/Child.

You asked for opinions. Here is mine.

You don't have to drop out of school. You could work full time, and take only one or two classes a semester.

If I were you, I would have my wife quit her present job. She can find a day one.

Go after your wife if you really love and want her.

Good luck, and God bless you and yours.

ember

Joined: May 2003
Posts: 5
M
Junior Member
Offline
Junior Member
M
Joined: May 2003
Posts: 5
It seems you're on the right track....keep it up and keep an eye on her.
God Bless <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Joined: May 2003
Posts: 31
H
Member
OP Offline
Member
H
Joined: May 2003
Posts: 31
Thank you Ember and Madona. I noticed that this forum does not get an overwhelming amount of traffic so, I moved problems to EN forum.

Asking her to change her job for me/marriage has not been so easy as I assumed it would be. She has a lot of independent behaviors wrapped up in the job and the time surrounding it. Very difficult to impress upon her the selfish nature of her arguments. The term "independent behaviors" sounds like a good thing to most people. It takes constant reminders of the damage that these behaviors can do to help her remember why she shouldn't partake.


Moderated by  Fordude 

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 1,116 guests, and 67 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Mike69, petercgeelan, Zorya, Reyna98, Nofoguy
71,829 Registered Users
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2019, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5