My wife took off to her Mothers w/kids June28.It was prior to my 2 week vac,which began July 1-14.

She knew for what ever reason, it wasn't going to happen, her being with me 24-7 for 2weeks.

So we got in a stupid quarrel which justified her leaving. She has been saying I talk to her like Sh.., and I keep asking "What do you mean".
I can never totaly figure her out, by that statement..

That's been our problem, she says i talk and treat her like Shi.

I took 15,000.00 out of my inheratence to get us a new 2002 Explorer, I've made appts. 4 her to get Body Massages often, redone every room, floor
got new windows, vinyl siding, darn near whatever.

At time I have gotten a little sarcastic, but never cursed her out, She never said 1 good word about me to my friends or their wife's, said I wasn't a Father, nor knew how to be one. Even I had never seen her hug her 17yr old son in 5 years..Alway foght and undermine me right in front of the Kids,which tore me out.

How can a step-parent gain respect if there Mom does that?

Anyhow we been together for 8yrs-M-4yrs.
Have 4 kids,
hers-
Son 17yr-from 1st marriage in Calf.left state when he was 1-1/2 yrs..never knew his real Dad.

Daughter-11yrs-father has had vistion 2-weekends a month for yrs.

WE-
4yr old-Daughter
2yr old Daughter
So as u see, leaving Men is not a stranger../

I try to sum this up..

We had some fights,I quit w/slapping her after begin hit by her,to letting her hit me.
it finally stopped altogether, but she said the only reason I quit slaping her was "a new law
that someone was going to go down when police are called to a domestic call..No I stopped because because it was Wrong, It hurt US to do that to my wife..

She had a troubled pregnecy,ARDS.was induced in a coma for 6 weeks w/7mth baby inutro..She made it through they took baby early to save both of them..Baby is 4yrs-old now,doing great, has Daddy wrapped around her little finger..

Mother-in-Law "who also has been Married 3 times"
told Wife how I wasn't there for here while she was in the coma, and even said the nurses could verify..Look I worked nights getting nil-sleep, came and seen her almost every night 1-3am.I get in a semi-denial state at times as a self-protection setting.But I know I was there for her as much as I could, I hade a little problem when the were bringing her up-out of the coma, and now I know why. Her being drugged out for so long, she went through withdraws, and it freaked me out, she never even drank are did any druggs, it was very scarey to say the least, it was a delayed trama to see your pregent wife that way.

Both Wife and MIL have dogged on me at times, Both are very CONTROLLING people..

So now she's at her mom's w/all kids and has enrolled the 11yr-old in school over there.

So I pretty much see she going to stay a while over there..Her Mom&Dad is 70s-80s, yrs old.

Soa few months ago, she received POA over her parents
and also a paid-off 180k house..

Our house is now MY house, abd her parents house is now HER house, sound seperated to me,huh.

We've been in counseling for a while, but since June 23, I go 1-2TAW.

She would go before the seperation devotely 1 a week, now she has been skipping, since her dad had a operation during all this, and is now saying sheeds to help her mom and dad over there, and don't know anything about decision or plans pertaining to our marriage and future..

She does other meaningless things to keep her mind off of important issues..
Also latley, since Dec-2002, she can NEVER be on time to ANYTHING..

She has no job, is disabled from damages due to coma, mom is there now to help babysit, and she still can't make it on time to the counselor session, I thought it was done so she can come in and say what she wants and then go..

She can't EVER answer YES or NO to a question, it's always an around the answer reply..?????

MY question is we have a Non-Legal Seperation Paper, from the counslor, It states contact details, monies, privicy, etc.

The 3 that get me are:

Sexual Contact W/spouse-At a time like this, how could it ever even happen??

Dating Others-????????

oh Yes--Sexual Contact W/Others-- Is ther something I'm not seeing here,Wouldn't that be a reason FOR a Divorce??

anyhow they're yes or no question..I know each will do what they want..

Then our counslor wants HER to set a date to either Get back OR Go on with our lifes-D in process..

Look she gets my paycheck,we are still M'ed. she pays most of the bills and I get a few 100.00to get me through each week, I'm OK w/that-So Far.

i get the kids on the weekends No/Problems.
Her mom is now aleast letting me in the house,
I beleve theres a:
Trust problem-i never have,or desired to cheat, so I don't know where that 1's from.
Controling-She is over on that-1.
Her Duration of Time needed-That may-may not be Bad, I see it as when we began dating 8 years ago, she moved in w/me in a few months at which time her "now-Ex" accused me of breaking up there M, Man, i can't remember back 8yrs ago so I can't go any further, but to say ,She may have a patteren of waiting untill she's good and Hooked-In to the OM
for Security reason, then let-go....OR....It's an Emotional Healing thing.

The time limit is Nov-1-2003 which can be earlier or can be extended past that.

So that will be about 5 months., and right a the beginning of the Holiday Season, YEAAAAHHHH..

I confessed to her I wasn't treating her as she so many times, tried to tell me, i took total blame, total everything,Working on controling my Mouth & Tounge..

She was pretty nice the 1st few weeks after she left, then out of No-where, she flipped over to a Colder side and further away, Could this have been due to a OM???
Our her way of Having it HerWay..

Anyhow, This sucks,
I Love Her,
My Kids,
Stopped physicaly quarreling,
NEVER desired another woman-even when no-sex periods exsisted, NEVER.

Is the fact she has her disability income, a paid-off 180k House,I just began GM auto mfg, CS fromer X, plus maybe Me-paying 4 2-kids 4-16 yrs on a auto assembler wages????

well she has the 30,000 Suv already,and both keys.Still will look u in the eyes and say, "I'm not materialistic.

Does it sound right???? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

TTYL
blessed37

<small>[ August 19, 2003, 05:06 AM: Message edited by: blessed37 ]</small>

Dear Blessed,

If you give your wife permission to make love with other men, then ordinarily, you cannot claim that as adultery, for divorce.

Your counselor seems weird. My theory on marriage counselors is that they are good to bring up issues, but if you disagree with the counselor, let him have it. Threaten to write a letter to his licensing board, and yell and scream. I was always careful to not to even criticize my wife in sessions.

The coma may have some after-effects. My father-in-law took an autocratic attitude after his stroke. I did not relaize that I should havce expected personality changes and difficulties. I got on his case, rather than being sympathetic or understanding.

I suggest that you take a parenting course with you wife. Well it always seemed to help my marriage after taking a parenting course.

I suggest you change marriage counselors. I don't like the idea of his deadline.

I suggest that you get with a lawyer, and protect your rights. I have my own checking account, and pay bills, or give my wife money, as she needs it, but I keep control.

The formula for dealing with overly assertive people is to first remember your walk away power, so if you or they are losing it, you get out of the area quickly.

One question is is how do you romance your wife? Dinner, Dance? Movie?

For overly assertive people, deveop phrases for shining them on when they try to get you involved in an emotional control issue.. Work on words and phrases. That is my name, Quipper.

My suggestions may all be wrong, but I tried to give you some ideas.

Best wishes,

Quipper
Married 28 years and still struggling

Dear Blessed,

In thinking about your post, some other issues came to mind.

To Recap: You have a nice house for all 4 kids, in a nice school district. Your wife's father is ill, and needs extra care, and your wife is living at her parent's home with the children, and has the children registered for school near her parent's house. Your wife was on a vacation with you, but found a reason to go back to her parent's house.

Looking through your post, there are a number of negative things that you have said about your wife, in a mater of fact manner. I did not point out in my first reply, that these comments would be love-busters, LB. Even letting on that you hold these opinions in facial gestures, would be love busters. "My wife is always late. My wife always thinks up some lame excuse not to be with me. My wife takes most all the money" to recap.

If your wife has trouble being on time for things with you, what about taking the extra time to go pick her up? Wouldn't that show love?

I did not mention the 10 Emotional Needs described for marriages in MB Emotionla Needs articles. You did not say which needs you are meeting, which you are neglecting, and which needs are important to your wife, that you are compromising on.

My vision for you is like on the Dallas TV show. JR took a lady to an office building, and when they got off the elevator, there was a table set for dinner, and served her a private dinner with a waiter. They talked, and later he showed her around, and they found a freshly made-up bed.

I do not understand your marriage counselor recommending your wife dating. If you think there is another man, it might be wise to get proof of that earlier than later, that would be satisfcatory to a lawyer experienced with the courts in your jurisdiction.

When I think my wife is tending to stray, I pour in more time attention.

I have not heard you describe the beauties of your wife. I suggest that you learn to butter her up. If she is mentally disabled, increased dispalys of affection are often important.

Since you are a newly disabled woman's husband, you should try to help her with her mental affliction. Your marriage counselor seems to be treating this like an ordinary case.

Best wishes,

Quipper
Married 28 years and still struggling