After a 6 month marriage to my husband, we have consulted a lawyer for a separation agreement. After we got married, things quickly but gradually began to change. I have suspected him of cheating with a co-worker but he swears he has not had an affair. He says he does not want to hurt me so he tries to find other things to do at home and away from home to avoid me. He says he wants to work on the marriage but does not want to enter into counseling. We lived together for 2.5 years before we were married. It feels like we were playing house. He avoids all physical contact now and has pulled away emotionally. He still wants the separation to be friendly and feels that after a year separation there can be reconciliation. I don't know what to do. I am frustrated and angry right now. He hid things from me before our marriage like pornography and the amount of alcohol he drinks because he knew i would leave him. Now he feels i will not leave and is uninterested in changing his ways or his job. Should i bother looking for reconciliation once the separation has been signed or should i just move on with my life?

Move on with your life.

[censored],<br>I too am in a very similar situation. I honestly didn't think there was anyone else out there whose marriage was in jeopardy so early on.<p>I was married in July after having lived with my H for 3.5 yrs prior. I thought that things would be great when we got married. That we would feel closer because we made that committment. We took the next step that a couple is supposed to take together. He told me 1 mth after the wedding that he was having some problems with the relationship. He told me a month after that that he had been seeing someone else and was emotionally involved with that person. He told her 2 weeks before our wedding that he loved her and still married me!!! When I asked him why he didn't say anything, he said that he felt overwhelmed by all of the wedding planning and didn't feel like he could stop it.<p>He has since then moved out to sort out his feelings. He is still trying to decide between me, the OW, or batchelorhood. All things that he should have figured out before we got married!!!<p>Sorry I've rambled. I am just so surprised that there is someone out there with a similar situation.<p>From what I've read, it is not uncommon for a spouse to feel trapped and vulnerable when faced with major life changes. Marriage is definately a major life change, even if you think things will be the same since you have been living together. <p>When we live with someone else before we are married it's like a trial period to see if we can do it. Almost like a rental agreement that we can always get out of if things don't go well. When we get married, rather than acknowledging and believing that this is a permanent arrangement, we continue to adapt that same rental agreement type attitude.<p>I don't know about you but I don't feel like I can just give up on my relationship. It just started. Some people have told me, "Well at least you found out now." These are people that have been married 10+ yrs. They have had an opportunity to try and make things work.<p>The info that I have found on this site, along with books that I have read (Surviving an Affair) in particular has been very helpful to me. I was tempted to just give up and move on because I haven't been married that long, but I realized that our relationship was one that I thought was worth fightig for.<br>My hope is that eventually, he will too.<p>Have you gone to counselling by yourself?<br>It might be helpful for you to sort out some of the feelings you are having right now. <p>You have to do what you feel is right. If you want to fight for your marriage, I say do it!<p>Good luck and keep me posted.<br>Kait

Kait,<p>I have been to both a "secular" and christian counselor and both have recommended in my case that I move on with my life and try to pick up the pieces. It is difficult because the separation agreement has come in yet he is not willing to sign it yet.<p>He says he needs time alone to figure things out and has never admitted to having an affair. I have talked to the husband of the OW and the coincidences are too great. The affair is not over and the OW and her husband are also in the process of separation but unfortunately for them a child is involved.<p>If your husband is willing to go to counseling and follow Dr. Harley's advice about ending an affair then I would recommend trying to salvage your relationship but if he is unwilling to work on the marriage then it should tell you something. My husband is unwilling to change jobs and work on the marriage with a counselor.<p>If he flip flops like my husband then you can figure that he wants his cake and eat it too. If my husband waits too long then I will probably be serving up divorce papers.<p>You are right about the mentality of a couple living together and how the impermanence translates into the marriage. If I had to do it all over again I would not live with him or anyone else again. You see someone's best behavior all the time because they are afraid you will leave until you get married.<p>Good luck.

[censored],<br>If you look at some of the posts on the infidelity thread you will see that some people have been struggling to save their marriage for years. We're just starting.<p>I have been following plan A for a couple of months now and just when I was starting to get burned out, the OW called it off with my H. I was given new hope.<br>Unfortunately, now he is not sure about any relationships including our marriage. He got hurt badly because he thought that the OW was his "soul mate." Very common. Anyway, now his is depressed and going through a periodof withdrawl.<p>I guess what I am saying is, if you can handle sticking with it and following plan A for a while, things may turn around. However, if you feel like you need to move on for your own sanity and well being, that is o.k. too. Ultimately you have to do what is right for you.<p>I asked myself if I really wanted to give up on our relationship and the answer was no.<br>I also asked myself if I really still loved this man even after what he did, and the answer is yes.<p>I am NOT ready to give up on my marriage. I think my persistance has surprised him and he has commented that he didn't think that he meant that much to me. My persistance proved him wrong, and I think he's starting to soften up.<p>As far as what the counsellor's have said, I don't think that a good counsellor really should TELL you what to do. The choice is unltimately yours. It has been my experience that unless they have been in the same position, it is very easy to tell someone to throw in the towel. In fact, if anyone else had told me my own story, I would have told them to move on also. <p>Now, here I am, still fighting and gaining ground.<p>Take care of yourself<br>Kait

Kait,<p>Thanks for your advice. It is true that ultimately the decision is mine and my husband's alone.<p>My husband has decided to move out even before signing separation papers. He is still lying to me about his affair with the OW. He went over to visit her and her child the other day and then wanted to come over later that night and watch movies with me. I have told him that I would like to start counseling again but he has given it no response.<p>How can you work on plan A when he is still hanging around with the OW and continues in his pattern of dishonesty? Now that he has moved out plan B seems to be the only option left.<p>I hope things continue to work out well in your own marriage.<p>[censored]

[censored],<br>I thought that I immediately had to move to plan B when my H moved out also. That isn't necessarily true. I think that you have to give plan A a try, especially eliminating love busters so that if you have to move to plan B, they remember all of the kind compassionate things that you did for them. <p>Your H needing to be by himself may be because when he is around you, he is reminded of the guilt and shame that comes with infidelity. It is hard to love someone else, if you don't love yourself. <p>Dr. Harley says that it is almost impossible to rebuild your marriage if the OW is still in the picture. I decided to wait it out. Things were over sooner than I thought. You may be surprised. For myself, even though my H was still with the OW I continued to be as understanding and compassionate as I could. My idea was to make it as hard as I could for him to completely decide to be with the OW. I guess it worked. He is still confused, but he isn't living with the OW and that is a plus.<p>Do what you can. He may be surprised to find out that he means enough to you for you to fight for your marriage. I know my H was. Be assured that the things you do and say will have an impression on him even if he seems uninspired now.<p>Take care,<br>Kait<p>

[censored] and kait,<br>I was shocked and saddened to read Dr. Harley's statistics about marriages dissolving after a couple has lived together. My husband and I lived together before we got married also, and I can see that this probably has contributed to our problems... But not irrevocably! However, there is something to the idea that even when you are living together you are not showing all of your true self to your mate. You don't really get a "honeymoon" period after you're married because that's what you had when you lived together. I distinctly remember feeling a major difference once I was married - a kind of relaxation or safe feeling. WRONG!<p>At any rate, I believe that all marriages where there is not abuse are worth the work to save them. If you love someone and know that your choice to marry was the right one, then work and fight for your marriage. The unwillingness of your partner to do so does not have to determine what you do. You can change yourself and doing so, change your relationship.<p>terri