Jack,

I think the simple fact that you posed this question answered your question as well.

Best of luck to you both

Jack,
I also replied to your post in the divorce section. I can't say enough times, DONT RUSH INTO ANYTHING TOO FAST!! I have been there, i had only dated my 2nd husband for 1 month, moved in together, married, 2 kids, and he was definately the wrong one. I tried to get out for years, and finally did last September. I remember feeling lonely and not wanting to be alone. I am not at all that person now, I have been divorced for almost a year, and am not really ready for anything at this point, and don't know if i ever will be.

Thanks for the advice everyone. I think what I am hearing is a lot of common sensein terms of Marriage is one of the (if not the) most importnat decision you'll make and you should be pretty clear on your choice. Sound right?

Hi Jack:

Yes, it sounds right....marriage is one of the most important decisions a person can make. Love doesn't always let us make good choices, but it helps a bit to be rational and think things through before making a decision. Good luck!!

DJ

Jack, I don't know where you are in terms of your relationship...but I think you received a lot of excellent advice, and common sense says you should not marry until you are sure and you are completely smitten with the girl who'll be your bride.

That said, I just want to mention that this is why living together makes things so complicated and difficult. What likely should have been a casual dating relationship, was immediately ramped up to super intimacy, and your GF is predictably wanting to believe that there's something more to the relationship than there might be.

Personally, and this is just me, based on my experiences and my religious viewpoint, a lot of heartbreak and bad marriages and unhappy families could be avoided if folks went back to old fashioned courtship, and steered clear of living together.

God Bless, I wish you well.

Jack72
Don't want to sound old fashioned but-so you live with her "like" husband and wife, but she wants the formal commitment and not just be giving the milk for free,right?
Now what is wrong with this picture? Is sex inside of a committed marriage now considered selfish? Am I an insecure person because I want to be married to the man that I love and take my clothes off and have sex with????
Excuse me, but you want to have your cake and eat it too. There is nothing wierd about your"live-in" girlfriend wanting a commitment ie marriage.I do however wonder about a man that is living with one woman,and fantasizing about a long gone love and won't move on in his head even though you obviously have physically. Get over it or let your girlfriend go and be with someone "available".

I thought I'd add my two cents here....

I lived with my husband before we married. It was very confusing for me since, like you, we lived with each other from day one.

If you start living together from day one, it can be very difficult to say goodbye and break up if the other person isn't right for marriage.

If you had simply dated from day one it would be much easier to get space (physical and mental) to think about such weighty issues as marriage, past relationships that disolved unhappily and what your mission in life really is.

If you live together from day one, it's kind of like getting married after knowing each other 2 hours!!

So yes, it feels wierd because it is. You both need to admit that you started a serious living arrangement before you knew if you were "serious."

Have a heart to heart with your girlfriend. Let her know that you need time to think about your intentions.

However, let her know that whatever you decide, you will be completely honest and up front; but that it is too soon yet to let her know if this relationship will turn into marriage.

In my relationship, we gave each other time, respect and support to make this decision.

Eventually we became very happily married, thanks to all of Dr. Harley's advice. I'm very glad we didn't rush in.

Good Luck!

BlueBerrySkies- that is some sound advice. thank you!! Did you and your husband back when you were dating ever seperate. You explained that you lived together from day 1 also. In your "slow down / evaluation" did part of that include living apart at some point? That is one thing that we are considering and both of us have mixed feelings about it.

Dr. Harley doesn't recommend living apart as a way to grow closer in marriage, except in Plan B. (as far as I know...) Maybe you could find his opinion in the pre-marriage section of the website concerning this.

It seems that budding relationships hit "tests," and if the relationship passes, then everything keeps going.

The best thing for you two is to be honest with yourselves and each other. That way you will honestly say if your relationship has "passed" this latest test and continue, and not try to fool each other into something that feels wrong. (to be nice, out of fear, etc.)

My husband and I never lived apart, mostly because we never thought of it! But when "tests" arose in our situtation, we were honest, supportive, and respectful with each other until we "passed."

I'm glad you've found the message board and Dr. Harley's site. No doubt it will help in the long run either way, with whomever you marry!

Good Luck!

BlueberrySkies- wow, I can definitely tell you were in a similar position becuz your words really hit home with my current situation. I guess it's sort of like this. I feel like I am slowly healing from my ex (but sometimes missher waaaay too much), sometimes feel like the current GF could work (but most of the time not), and occasionally am seeing things in others that look like they might "fit".. I dunno, but I feel like i should be atleast 90% sure that I should be with my current GF and it's not there right now. Hmm..

Below is an Instant Messenger conversation I had with my current GF today.

Me: Side note- i still think we started fast and on the wrong foot, but i don't think my ex will be at the forefront (at least as much) of my decisions anymore. now it's more a matter of are we best suited for each other, how can we start/re-start normally, etc.. time will tell i suppose, but i really wish we'd have started dating more normal (not that i wouldn't miss all we did), it's just i can tell how it has affected things and that the odds are dramatically stacked against us. impossible i know but it would have probably been wiser to have had a more "normal" start and courting deal. Guess I defintiely see the value of good old fashion courting. let's just say i got a tad more closure today
Her: Ok, got it all and understand......anything in particular happen for the extra closure? Oh and thx for informing me on where you --we are at...
Me: yes
Her: Can you tell me? You don't have too though
Me: i talked with My Ex's sister's Ex today for the first time in almost a year. I think I told you 2 weeks after he married the Evil Sister she had an affair on him (they didn't even make it to the honeymoon). Anyway he was a good guy to talk to becuz A-he's a good friend B-he dated the twin for almost the same time I did and under similar circumstances and they ended shortly after ours also. He was a really good friend ad I wanted to see how he was holding up, but it turned into about a 40 minute conversation...
Her: Hey honey, seriously we can start over if you want. I know of people that go back to dating and they make it fine......Like if we want to think about me moving out, etc......Then we can date more normally.....I think this would help you figure out if I am suited for you, etc....maybe not though......I just know that distance makes people figure out what they want and are more solid on that decision--like later on there is no what if's....it will be well I remember being w/ou that person and it
Her: oh interesting........so how are you linking this to you and your Ex?
Me: she's My Ex's twin, there situation in dating and how they met etc were all very similar. and the actions of both girls are very similar. i suppoose it's leading me to believe that i didn't have the greatest catch and that my suspicions of her being "like her family" were possibly accurate.
Her: Oh it get it --well good I guess......
Her: Wow he was a good guy.
Me: he is an awesome man. he put up with a TONNNNN of shiX and smiled every day... he worked is [censored] to the bone for months to pay for the wedding and then she pulled that crap.. UNREALLLLLL!!!!
Her: Yeah that really sucks
Me: Back on the "starting over" - we'll talk about it some more. I want to go into it very positive. A- to start over correctly B-like Bryce and Debbie ended up doing it before they got married.... etc..etc...
Me: I think i'd stil like to get a counselor's opinion to see if he think it is a wise move for us. :-)
Her: Yes I agree on all
Her: But if we are going to move soon, it would be a good time to start over.......why move in and then me move out? **we are moving soon, just sold house*
Me: that is a decent point about the whole moving thing... perhaps we can talk more in Aspen. we should have some pretty clear heads with few distractions.. :-)
*Thanks for reading and your posts - JACK*

Hey Jack!
Its good to see that you mind is opening up to all options of the future. Its good to find out about ex and find true closure one way or the other.I will say that your GF sounds too good to be true! If I was in her place I'm sure I would be a _____!
Good luck. So good to here that you are doing something about it all!

yeah Ezra I wasn;t joking the current GF is either amazingly patient and nice, or insecure and crazy. Maybe some of both *laugh*