After wondering and searching everywhere for an answer to “how I could let this occur after so long”. Just a little history: I've been with my SO for almost nine years, he has four (14 through 21) children, of which one I have grown very close with. We had plans to marry this coming year (2003). I have never been married and have no children. As a police officer I've always know that his schedule is radical and untraceable, and I honestly trusted him, blindly!

About one year ago, maybe even longer, I lost all sex drive and I was content with once or twice a week, so you see I don't blame him! Isn't that funny, "I" don't blame him. But I love him, and I understand that I permitted him to find someone else. I now suspect (no proof) of an affair. As my heart breaks I wonder “How this can ever be repaired”? Am I too late? We have had long talks and He says “he loves me, more than life itself” and even though our sex life has improved, he says, “how can he be assured this isn’t temporary?

Now my friends, where do I go? How do I mend, what I have broken? Many say, you don't have children, your not married, just leave and restart your life? I say, "The pain isn’t any different when you are not married"! I love this man; I love our life and his children. He is so confused of where he wants to be and "with whom he wants to be with". I changed and not for the better, but I am trying, I just don’t know where to start. Please any and all suggestion are greatly appreciated.

At Fault

<small>[ August 26, 2002, 06:36 PM: Message edited by: Lost & Hopeless ]</small>

Marilyn I am sorry for your pain read up on the infidelity threads and the questionaires might be of help to you.

Lost & Hopeless,

First...You are NOT a fault. It is NOT your fault IF he decided to stray. He is responsible for his own poor choice of a solution to his problem,,not YOU. You may have contributed to the fragile state of the relationship which allowed a third party but it is NOT your fault if he chose to deal with it in the manner you suspect.

Can the relationship be saved? Probably, if you are both committed to working through the problems and creating a stronger, closer bond between the two of you.

And how is this possible? First,,read, read, read. Read ALL sections of this site and get familiar with the Marriagebuilders principles. Get to the library or order the books suggested on this site. Work through the questionaires. Consider counseling also available on this site. (No, I do not work for this site nor do I get any financial kickback for my recommendations,,I just know they work,, <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> )

I know you want quick easy answers, ones that make the relationship work overnight. It's not gonna happen, so please take the steps I have reccomended and settle in for the long haul. It's alot of work but well worth the eventual outcome.

On the "Just Found Out" forum there is a main post you need to review,, "General Welcome". http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=29;t=000553
It'll help you to understand the forums and the MB site. Also check out WAT's Quickstart Guideline,,,excellent advice! http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=29;t=000940 You can also post under General Questions which has alot more traffic than the other forums. Try to respond to your repliers to encourage further responses and let them know you read and considered their replies.

Good luck to you Lost and Hopeless. You may feel lost at the present time but you are certainly NOT Hopeless. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Sorry for all the edits but I'm link challenged!! LOL

<small>[ August 28, 2002, 01:02 PM: Message edited by: Nerlycrzy ]</small>

Thank you .....Thank you, so very much. I will take your advice and read as much as I can. "I Sincerely" thank you both for having taken the time to write me with your advice.

Again Thank you!

You're welcome Marilyn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

And remember, it's NOT hopeless. I seriously doubt there is anyone who had less faith in recovery than I when I discovered my H's long term EMR. I not only didn't think we could rebuild,,I didn't want to. Had NO intention of it. Yet, here we are, 4 1/2 yrs later,,much happier than I would have dreamed possible. You can do it! Read, learn, post,,ask questions, become a relationship pro and apply your new knowledge. Stick around,,post, ask questions. I hate to see new members to our group since it means another person has been hurt beyond belief but there's a strong group here..ready to support and offer advice. Welcome...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Nerlycrzy:
<strong>You're welcome Marilyn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

And remember, it's NOT hopeless. I seriously doubt there is anyone who had less faith in recovery than I when I discovered my H's long term EMR. I not only didn't think we could rebuild,,I didn't want to. Had NO intention of it. Yet, here we are, 4 1/2 yrs later,,much happier than I would have dreamed possible. You can do it! Read, learn, post,,ask questions, become a relationship pro and apply your new knowledge. Stick around,,post, ask questions. I hate to see new members to our group since it means another person has been hurt beyond belief but there's a strong group here..ready to support and offer advice. Welcome...</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Okay you sound like someone I know and Love. My wife, is there any thing(s) that your H did that stick out in your mind? I want to work this out so much... Just an FYI 5 weeks ago was when she told me she wanted the "D". I fell apart. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

HeartbrokeinBC,

I'm so sorry it has taken me so long to get back to you and I hope you do check back for my reply. Not because I have a "magic" answer but because I do care that you are hurting.

What did my H do to make me change my mind? My H and I have been married so many years and been through so much together, that I found it almost impossible to refuse to give him one chance. His remorse and apologies made a big difference. His willingness to sit down and discuss our marriage and opposing viewpoints made a difference. (In the past he was always too busy, or I had to compete with the TV, making our discussions limited to the length of a commercial <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> )
NOW, he wanted to talk, to answer and ask questions, and to LISTEN!! And more important,,compromise. These were big, big things to me.

He now included me in plans and asked for my opinions. If I was not enthusiastic, he didn't go (of his own choice). No rolling his eyes, huge sighs, or stomping away, leaving the issues in the air. His obvious attempts to please me made me in turn much more anxious to please him and compromise also.

We had grown so far apart and made no time for each other. Involvement with our jobs and kids and extended family left little alone time for us. Now we made that time. Time for just us, to do whatever we wanted. We don't ignore or neglect the rest of the family but just make sure we have our own time too.

And don't forget the "little" things. The kiss as you pass in the hallway, the hug for no reason, the "I love you,,have a nice day" note on the table after he left for work,,, and many others,, these things all helped me to realize he really wanted our marriage to survive.

It is possible. Lots of work. Lots of talking and compromising but possible.

Stay strong and I wish you all the luck and happiness in the world!

Thank you Nerlycrzy and everyone else, for your help.

Everyday I loose a little bit of hope since things in our relationship are not getting any better, but worse. My SO finally opened up and spoke to me a little of what happened with the OW, but now says he is "NO GOOD", "Broken" and shouldn't be forgiven, because he can’t forgive himself! I honestly think there is more to it. Is it that he prefers to find some one he hasn’t betrayed, and start fresh? He say's things will never be the same between us and that I will never trust him the way I once did! He says ALL I do is bring up what happened, and cry, all the time. I explain I just found out (it's been 1 week since his semi-confession), and as a woman I need to speak to him about this. I feel the longer we talk the more we heal, I don’t know maybe I’m wrong! And when I feel him pull away, I find myself becoming desperate and pathetic and smothering him. He says maybe we are better off not fighting for this? If he has no hope and he was the adulterer, how can I have "Hope"? I feel this a merry-go-round that won't stop, a never-ending nightmare.

What am I doing wrong? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Dear Nrly;

I did check back! Thanks again I am working hard to make it work. She has put up a wall and is FIRMLY hiding behind it. To me she was going to get an attornet today.... It just kills me - hope dosent but if she does I won't give up on her. She is being told thats the "right" thing to do. I have been reading everything here and at divorcebuster.com and I hope it can be fixed. Thanks again...

Lost & Hopeless,

You said "He say's things will never be the same between us and that I will never trust him the way I once did."

THIS was a huge fear of my H's regarding our decision to rebuild our relationship. On one hand, as much as he pleaded for one chance to prove his sincerity and remorse, he was also afraid I'd accept, and never get over the betrayal. His words "I couldn't live like that if you'd feel the need to throw this in my face for the rest of our lives." And, as doubtful as I was as to our possible success at recovery, I assured him that IF we could talk this all out and resolve our problems, I would NOT constantly bring up the past.

Trust? I DO NOT trust him as I once did. I never will, so that much is true. But I used to have "blind trust". And blind trust is not such a good thing. Blind trust indicates an arrogant assurance that your relationship is infalible,, and I have learned NO relationship is that. And blind trust also puts the trusted person too high up on that pedestal, a pedestal no one should be on.

Your situation is not yet "the past". Your pain, hurt and confusion is so new and raw, you can't possibly "get over it" yet. Plus, you don't even have the answers you need to resolve it in your own mind. How about counseling? Would he be agreeable? There is counseling available on the site which I hear is wonderful. Or, with him being in law enforcement, I'm sure he has it readily available through his job. This is going to take working through it,,not pushing it under the rug and hoping it will go away.

I would appeal to him to help YOU. To help YOU to understand what happened to your relationship and why, by discussing this with you, hopefully with a counselor. If he thinks he's doing this to help YOU, rather than to understand and work it out for himself, perhaps he'd be more willing to participate.

And in the meanwhile, I hope you have been reading all parts of this site and are doing your best Plan A!! http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=30&t=000176

<small>[ September 05, 2002, 01:50 AM: Message edited by: Nerlycrzy ]</small>

Heartbrokein BC,

I hope too she didn't file today. But, as you said, even if she did, that's no sign to give up.

Who is telling her that divorce or separation is the "right" thing to do? What in the relationship does she see as being SO wrong that it can't be fixed? I read in one of your other posts that you are each seeing counselors. Any chance of joint marital counseling?

And what about you? Are you in a strong Plan A?

Nerlycrzy,

Thank you for taking the time to help me through this. There's one question that I just can't seem to find the answer to, Why if he still seeing her?

He pretends he is not, but "I know", after almost 9 years "you know"! Of course, he says "he doesn't love her", "it didn't mean anything", And I CAN'T BELIEVE I am still willing to fight for this relationship! He is even willing to have me move out! Does that sound like someone who truly loves me? <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Marilyn,

"Does that sound like someone who truly loves me?"

During the course of my H's affair, he didn't sound like someone that loved me either. He said some indifferent, cruel and hurtful things that haunt me to this day. During the course of our recovery, when I have brought up some of his comments, he looks at me in amazement, stating he can't remember saying that or just hugs me and apologizes over & over. That's why we call it "fog" talk.

Marilyn, I don't know enough of your situation to be able to make a good judgement on why he's still seeing her or IF he is. But I do know your "gut" feeling is often times very accurate.

I'd like to encourage you to post your story and ask for help on the "General Questions II" forum. There are lots and lots of VERY knowledgable and helpful people on that forum to lead you through this and give you advice. I certainly don't have all the answers and what we all need is a broad spectrum of opinions based on varied individual experiences, not just mine. What worked for me may not be applicable for you and would be just my opinion only. Introduce yourself on GQII with rundown on your situation and ask for suggestions. The more opinions and advice, the better you are able to take an objective view and decide some course of action that may work for you.

Please don't think I am giving up on you or trying to pass you off to another forum. I just want you to know although I have been on this forum for many years (4) and know the MB principles, my opinion is only that,,MINE. And I seriously think we all need ALL the help we can get.

"And I CAN'T BELIEVE I am still willing to fight for this relationship!"

I can. Because you still love him. Because you see him waffling and confused. Because you still see hope for a future with him.

Continue to post. Continue to ask questions and know that someone hears you and cares.

[QUOTE]Originally posted by Nerlycrzy:
[QB]Heartbrokein BC,

I hope too she didn't file today.

Great news - she didn't !!!!!!!!!!!! I am am but still sad... Will take each day I am given right now. I wrote her a short 14 line email about us... She read it, at noon but has not mentioned it. I am not either I will just try to let her think on it. Hope she "hears" what I say to her in it. But, I am working on the me in this I CAN change that...

I have included it below - Was it too pushy??? The subject line to her was "A heartfelt Note"

Dearest XXXXXX

When we met, you had an air of control that astonished me, you held your head high, you were proud.

Even through all the mess you faced in life, you have never given up the dream of happiness.

When people try to put you down you have always stood your own ground. You have a strength that is so impressive, yet is so frightening to me. You are not afraid of people, even when they do something wrong. You keep on going.

Even when you are unhappy, you push on, you will find true happiness. And with your help I hope it will be with me.

I loved going anywhere with you, I felt so Proud, so happy, so in love. I have never been ashamed of you, not once ever. You were and still are the love of my life. I know that. I don't think I would feel the pain I have now if I didn't.

You are destine for great accomplishment's in your life, and the kids will succeed because of you.

I need to learn how to use my strength the way you use yours, you are the most unselfish person I have ever met.

I do know you, probably more than anyone ever has. You make me want rush to hold you whenever you are near. I am and always have been very proud to have you as my wife.

With love from your husband.

Just so you all know, spelling and grammer are NOT my strongest points!

Joint Concil is out for the current time. She won't hear of it ... I will just keep doing what I have read in "Stop your divorce" by Homer McDonald. It seems to be what works best with her. I bought online one night (It was emailed in a PDF format), stayed up the rest of the night to read it and started doing what it said. I am modifing my behavior, no more clinging and "I love you", then the long akward pause. Tring to be very upbeat and happy. Ripped apart on the inside.

Maybe I could have answered these all together sorry... It is mainly her sister. The Queen of the lets date and live with this one for awhile ( In months ) then looks for Mr. Next.

Lost

I noticed in your post that you said sexual frequency was down to once or twice a week and that you believed that gave your SO permission to stray Once or twice week is an average for most people who have been together a while Ok 3 times a week is the most common number but anyone who would use the excuse of only having sex once a week as the reason for an affair is either showing an extreme lack of character or absolutely no feelings for the other person I dont want to be harsh with you but I can't stand to see someone blame themselves for something that is so clearly not their fault Maybe there are other factors involved in his decision to cheat (and it is a decision) but only having sex once a week is not a valid reason. That indicates a person almost exclusively focused on their own physical pleasure, so whatever sad story he's telling you about having to cheat for physical reasons is bull**** Sorry I just don't want you beating yourself up about that Take care of yourself

Anush,

Thank you!

I know that I shouldn't blame myself for something that is so horrible <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> , but I guess what I meant to say is that I understand that after 2 years of "his" frustration, he felt as "I" no longer desired him! It's so difficult because all this could have been avoided if I hadn't been so confident. So confident he would "NEVER" even think of cheating on me, not when we spoke of how we both would never forgive an A.

Now look at me, fighting to keep our relationship in spite of my knowledge. I keep asking myself, "How can this work"? "Will I ever wake up and not think about what happened"? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Thank you again, every statement and/or opinion helps so very much!

Anush,

Thank you!

I know that I shouldn't blame myself for something that is so horrible <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> , but I guess what I meant to say is that I understand that after 2 years of "his" frustration, he felt as "I" no longer desired him! It's so difficult because all this could have been avoided if I hadn't been so confident. So confident he would "NEVER" even think of cheating on me, not when we spoke of how we both would never forgive an A.

Now look at me, fighting to keep our relationship in spite of my knowledge. I keep asking myself, "How can this work"? "Will I ever wake up and not think about what happened"? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Thank you again, every statement and/or opinion helps so very much!