TooSad,

I think that he should pay to move you as seeing as you are still married to him and the kids are with you..

when you go home...you need to figure out what to do as far as his parents and the kids..
perhaps you can arrange to see them by having someone else take them there like your sister..but the thing is they might have no interest if he is not home..
besides you don't need to bring up anything tell them you want to keep everything positive in front of your children and will not make dispariging remarkd toward or about their son and you hope they all the family will also do that to you and for the children to have a good relationship with everyone..

I don't think it is necessary to talk about the past with them..your not children and it was between you and him..not them..
don't be snottie but just let them no it will not be tolerated..and IF they do not listen to what you tell them take the children by the hand and leave..whenever it happens..do not allow it by sitting there..you do not have to take it from anyone..ok?
actually I think your husband needs to burry the hatchet..he has already done enough already, he needs to also bury the handle..and go on with his life..and you yours..

I think in the future he will see what he lost..
that you were not that person..and now you know who you really are..and have a good belief system and are a family person..I think what happened is you became what he wanted..sounds weird..but it seems to me that is what happend..or even it was planned part of it..from his end..

did you know you can go to someone on base and tell them you need to dip into their emergency fund to move..they have one..also get the chaplin involved..he will not judge you he will get people to help you move if needed..
what about the national service officer..the one I have helped me out lots us here...

what you need to do is find someone with a truck
or someone who can hall a u-haul..actually if you know how to pull a uhaul
you can do it..just get someone to load it then have your dad and others there to unload it and then deliver the uhaul locally..simple..and less then 500.00

will they give you a moving allowance?
can you get your parents to take the kids for a few days so you can pack without them getting in the way..? so you have some time for yourself before going down there?

you also need to remember when his sisters want to see the kids it can be from the parents house when your there..don't let them all invade your property..keep them out of your home and life..
so you can have one...that is the mistake a friend of mine made..and she saw more of the mom and dad and sisters then she ever had while married..she finally put her foot down and told them to see the kids on his time..not hers..while he has them ..she was or did not want to be part of the family then..I don't blame her..

I just know I would keep my kids close..ya know..your parents are safe and love them and want whats good for them..

yes it is typical for your son to ask dad to buy him something..thats part of what dads do..
I think he also probably means something he can keep with him to hold and look at and know it came from daddy..like does he collect anything those beanie things? seems like a while back all did that..
he is starting to get too old for stuffed animals..but right about now, maybe he needs one..a monkey or something boyish..it needs to come from DAD...to son...so it will be a bond thing for him, he really wants his daddy...but that is not going to happen..I doubt he will ever be around for them, he is living in Korea now..
and he is probably not going to be home for a long time..when does he get to come home?

where would he have been stationed at if not korea.? would you have been there then?? I cannot imagine living in a place like that just cause someone says you need to be especially today things are so different and scarey too..

I was safe and sound during the cuban missle crisis in our own lil apartment..while he was there but we were not there..in cuba..
nor would I have gone to another state..I needed to be around family cause I was pregnant..and
we moved when he got out of the service..Biggest mistake I made..I long today for my old home..bottom flat in boston..near the beach..and my friends since childhood..all scattered now though. and some not so nice any more other interests etc..I never liked bars...or drinking,
my dad was a drunk..and my family were mostly alcoholics drunk at night went to work days..lol
all claim not to have a drinking problem..cause..
they say..I WORK no problem..lol..haa..

well sweetie if I lived near you I would help you to move..I would drive the u haul for you..really and watch the kids..

the closest base I live to is oak harbor where all the jets came from that went to war..and whidbey island naval base
and that is about an hour ride from me..that is one of the nicest places..because it is so close to campgrounds and stuff..and the gateway to fun in the islands..here.to see the whales..

well gonna go get something..I will pray something
comes up for you to help move..this is where his buddies should be stepping up to the plate that are there..ya know..take care..

forgot I Tried to change my name today and also would have to change my nick and e-mail..I have other e-mails maybe soon I will do it..lol I will let you know..

did your lawyer explain to you what happens next?
did you sign? do you have a copy? to read???
Keep on keeping on..

go check this out it is somthing thought provoking and must have been a difficult decision for this person..one I am not sure I would be willing or able to do...

but decisions we make are just as difficult some times..don't you think??
wow this was amazing ..let me know what you think.

I guess I can cut off what I need to then..grin..
so I can be happy..yes.. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
whoops it didn't work will try this.

interesting

<small>[ June 14, 2003, 09:40 PM: Message edited by: SadEyes ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Hi bit_chomper
I just wanted to add my 2cents worth on your situation. If you want things to work out with this women and you have tried everything on MB to get her to see how much you adore her than maybe she isnt the one. I know how you feel when you feel like you are second best I felt that way too. I felt my husband was so preoccupied with his job ( army) that in a way he was desensitized to my needs as his wife. I told him I had to take iron cause i was becoming anemic his reply was " you will be alright" now ordinarily i would think the same but when you have never been anemic in your whole life unless you were pregnant it worried me and i thought he would show a little bit of concern and not think i was a whiner like the soldiers he works with are sometimes. I can go on and on about my story and i have told sad eyes about alot of it . I think alot of advice given on this website is good especially when you hear from both sexes it makes you understand what each one wants out of a relationship and how to work it out. I just wish i would of found this website along time ago and not when it was already too late. If you want to write me privately I will give permission to sad eyes to give it to you. She is a terrific person and a total sweetheart.

toosad</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Toosad, thank you for your post.

Although I want things to work out with J, I know deep in my heart that she will never change. I have been beating my head against the wall for so long. I try to leave her little MB articles, and try to talk to her, but all I get is anger. Whenever we try to talk, she twists my words around and gets very mad. So, I don’t know what else to do. I can’t make her care about me, and I can’t make her see how unreasonable she is… and to complicate things even more, she is probably the most independent woman alive. No joke.

What do you see as the turning point for your relationship with your husband?

I have found that I have become resentful, and that resentment has caused me to stop giving 100000000000000 percent like I was in the beginning of the relationship. I am so tired of giving my all and not getting anything in return but rejection.

I would be interested in writing to you. SadEyes has my email address, so if you are feeling adventurous, ask her for it, and drop me a line, if you would like. Perhaps we can help each other get over some of this pain.

Take care, and try to find happiness and contentment in the little things. That’s what always pulled me through.

K

Bit_chomper

I think the turning point to get my husband and i back together would be some major changes in the way we act towards each other. I think he thinks i am this dependant persone relying on him to keep me busy . I am sorry but when you love someone dont you want to spend as much time with them as much as possible considering he may leave at any time for some unknown place being in the military they can go anytime for any lenght of time.
He told me he always sacrificed for us when he left so we could have what we have. He knows I dont care about money plus it wasnt like we were bringing in alot of money the military for what they and there familys have to endure is not worth the measly paycheck they get. The only thing i asked was for us to get out because i knew if we continued on it wouldnt last. He would get home long enough for us to get settled again and get almost on track then he would leave again . We never really had any time to get back to us.
I feel even though he was affectionate towards me physically that is he wasnt much in the emotional part. He never expressed his emotions especially when we had our 2 kids . I thought he would of gotten teary eyed but he didnt. He hardly ever showed his emotions to me and would get uncomfortable if i cried. Maybe that is a man thing or maybe it was instilled in him being in the military. But believe me we do love to see a man get emotional it shows that they do care and everyone has feelings and they should show it and not be ashamed.
You sound so much like me when you say you have started to resent her that is how i feel with my husband. I feel like he never listend to my pleas and seemed to not care about my feelings and get out. I also despised him for leaving me and the kids as much as he did. Yeah that is his job but would you stay in a job that was hurting not only your spouse but your kids too? He also thinks this will be ok us getting a divorce that everyone will be alright and ok. He says he wants to go out and date and wants his life back. When he said that it just hurt me like our life together was just a facade.
I havent heard from sad eyes in a few days but i will ask her for your address or she can be our go between.

Well check your e-mails both of you.
I wrote you both long long e-mail..

I love to write..lol..
I am going to have to work on my web pages again so I can get them back up..

I need too look up meds to see reactions, side effects..then maybe I can stop worrying..grin..

Kim is school over for your son..? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
have you started packing yet?

well I am going to finish my bills and do dishes..and take a bath..and will come and write more later..

Take care..it's too hot to sit at the puter right now...

Hello, TooSad,

SadEyes is a sweetie, isn’t she? She has been through so much.

Thank you for your post. I agree with you, when you love someone you should want to be with them and spend as much time as possible together. Especially if one of you are going to be away for awhile. That is the way I felt about J – she would leave for two weeks for a business trip, then the next day after coming back she would go off to an all-day horse event. Then she would usually do something similar the next day after that. Sure put me in my place. I guess I should have been born a horse, eh? Lol

What would you say are some of the most important things to you when in a relationship? If you could have your wishes granted, how would you change your husband’s behavior? How would you have change your own? What would you do differently in the future to help prevent the events which have happened to you?

It sounds like he did try to provide for the family, but at the expense of being together and at the expense of your needs. What were his needs? Forgive me for being so personal. I guess I am just curious and concerned. I have gone through a lot of what you seem to be going through, and I hate it for you.

Just like the MB site says, the only way for love to be sustained is if the partners spend a minimum amount of quality time each week together. You guys spent months apart. A love cannot grow or thrive under conditions like that. I guess that is why so many Hollywood marriages end – they just never see each other enough to stay in love.

So, your husband was not very outwardly emotional? Would you have liked for him to be? So many men are caught up on being “macho” and manly that they feel like it is a weakness to be sensitive or caring or emotional. Well, J thinks that I am too emotional. I get teary watching a sad story on t.v. or a movie. Hahaha The hazards of being a caring, sensitive guy. I need to change that, though. Gets me hurt every time. I need to be a player.

Oh, yes, I resent the heck out of my situation. Mostly because it has changed from the beginning of the relationship, and also because I know how great a relationship can be when two people give to each other totally. Money, jobs, everything else in life is second to love, in my opinion. Because, you can quit or be fired from your job, lose or gain money – but love is constant, if you make it that way. Never give up, and never quit. But it only works if both people are truly committed to each other. So often, one person just quits caring.

We all have needs. Like the MB site tells us, men’s and women’s needs are different, but that is ok as long as we understand the needs, communicate, and make sure that we do everything possible to meet each other’s most important emotional needs.

Unfortunately, your children will be the main sufferers of the divorce. I do not have any children, and I guess that was the good thing when I got divorced. I feel so sorry for your situation, because it just rips the family apart.

When you husband says he wants to go out and date, is he not just saying that he wants to meet his sexual needs with other women? Or is it something else? Retaliation for your affair? Did he think that his needs were being met when he was with you? Were yours met when he was around?

What does he mean he wants his life back? Where did the misery start? Why won’t he try to reconcile? There is a piece of this puzzle that is missing, somehow…

I hope I have not been too personal with this post. Certainly if you don’t want to answer, I understand. But, if you want, you can email me back if posting would be too personal and public.

Take care,

K

looking over my shoulder to be sure it is safe to come in here now:)

wow some interview there..K..lol..and i thought I asked alot of questions...rofl..

actually you like the same desert my husband liked..only he liked a reg crust.

you know what else is good because you like the graham cracker crust..
take a brownie baking dish..
layer it with graham crackers do not break them up.(cook jello chocolate fudge one...) take and put some one top of crackers.then add another of cackers, then jello..sorta like you layer lasagne..then end with the pudding. then when you serve it add whipping cream or cool whip..
of course u put this in the fridge to keep it

TooSad <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
let me know before you shut your phone down because that will mean no connecting here..
I think I will send you my mail and phone # this week because other wise we might loose contact with each other..ok..

I really got to lay down for awhile..lol...
check your mail..ok.. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Bit_chomper

I would say the most important things to a relationship would be that our family comes first before anyone or anything.
If I could change my H behavior it would be him actually listening instead of falling asleep on me when we would be finally able to be alone. For us to do something together romantic and not go to a club also he acts kind of childish like a 19 yr ol in a 34 yr old body. I am not interested in clubs but if i suggested a picnic in the park or something to that effect he sees it as we are old married people . How I would change myself would be to listen more and also i would try to come up with ideas to get us out of the house and do stuff not only together but as a family also.
In my new relationship whether it is with my H or soemone new I would be more open with my feelings and not keep everything inside untill it got to the point where i would explode.
I think my H's needs are to know I will hold down the fort while he is away and cotinue to do that till he retires. I think he always loved the military and had no intention on getting out or was afraid to I dont know he never told me.
I am not saying I wnated him to cry over every little thing but he didnt seem too emotional when our kids were born . My leg was hurting and i was limping did he drive me to the hospital no he stayed home with the kids. Come to find out i had gotten a blood clot from having our daughter and it ran all the way down my leg i was admitted to the hospital for a week . When i got home the house was a wreck which i had to clean up slowly by myself he had to go back to work.
I think in a way he wnats retaliation for my affair he says it problably wont be too much dating as much as sex. He just cant go out and do it till we are divorced he is afraid of getting caught and getting in trouble. I think he may have did something with someone whether it was physical or not he stopped calling me and writing me hardly ever it had been a month one time or maybe more if i look back on it that he didnt speak to our kids.
He wasnt meeting my emotional needs and i wasnt meeting his physical needs . I think if i would of been getting the emotional needs i needed then he would of gotten plenty of the physical needs from me.
I think we started falling apart a few yrs ago after having dealt with so many deployments and not getting back on track

SAd eyes: I will give you all my info before i start moving dont worry you will not lose contact with me. I also hope you get to feeling better and hopefully will be taken off the oxygen. That would be great huh?