My husband and I have been seeing a therapist since March, although we have been going separately. I have felt for a while that although she helps me as an individual, she is not doing much for our marriage. In fact, I often feel that she has tried to empower me right out the door, so I can only assume that she has made my husband feel similar.
<p>My husband has, unfortunately, decided to file for divorce, although he says that we don't have any insurmountable problems in our marriage and that he knows that I am a good wife and person. He just says that he no longer loves me and doesn't think he ever will be able to again. (We've only been married 4.5 yrs with a 20 month old child) He has also admitted strong feelings for a co-worker, although he insists that nothing has ever happened.
<p>When searching for a reason for the breakdown of our marriage, my psychologist says that it is due to us coming from totally different backgrounds. I come from an extremely loving, family oriented family, while he comes from a cold, dysfunctional family. The therapist says that he is incapable of intimacy. I find this hard to believe, because I know that there are lots of people from dysfunctional families who are able to maintain wonderful longterm relationships.
<p>I just feel that this is a terrible loss and we should be looking to work through our differences instead of just running away from them. My husband claims that he is terribly unhappy, because he doesn't love me, but I feel like I am not the source of his unhappiness and that by leaving me, he will not be leaving his misery behind. I think it will go with him, because it is a part of him. He is going to have a huge void in his life, because not only does he lose me and our daughter, but my warm, loving family as well.
<p>Dr. Harley, have you ever seen this happen before, where a therapist actually drives a wedge instead of trying to help the situation? Has anyone else ever known of a similar situation?
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I am in a similar situation except there is no therapist involved at all. My husband says he doesn't know if he loves me or not and wants to separate. I have realized through reading Dr. Harley's books and the information on this web site that I have to be responsible for my own life. Everything before was that I was only thinking of my husband and never myself. This really got to him and he no longer has respect for me - he never considers my feelings or thoughts, belittles my opinions, and constantly interupts me. Anyway, I am seeking counseling through the Marriage Builders to see if there is anything I can do to convince my husband that our marriage is worth fighting for. I'll let you know if anything good comes out of it. For now, hang in there - I understand waht you are going through!

Lisa, last fall my husband and I were separated for a short period of time while he was trying to decide if he still wanted to be married. There was a very short episode with his coworker and it was a miserable time for me. I found this website and started doing counseling with Steve Harley and then Jennifer Chalmers by phone. It was extremely helpful even though we didn't stay at it as long as I would have liked. Much of what happened was due to his feeling like I didn't care about him (and I admit I wasn't doing a good job of meeting his needs at all)and then having this other person give him so much attention and tell him how wonderful he was. Dr. Harley's approach is to not focus on the reasons why you behave the way you do (ie, coming from dysfunctional families, etc.) but to focus on what you can do to meet your spouses needs (without compromising yourself). If you are both putting each other first, you find that you are both very happy and that you enjoy giving to each other. I definitely think your current therapist is not working on this basis. You should ask this person to review Dr. Harley's ideas and if they can't work with you based on those ideas, I would strongly recommend getting counseling directly from marriage builders.
<br>Good Luck.

Nala,
<br> My husband after 19 yrs, also says he doesn't love me and wants to be on his own, he thinks he is going thru mid-life, he says he is tired of hurting me, by that he means the way he belittles me, he treats me like a child instead of his wife, gets mad at the smallest things, does not respect me, from reading all the books i have read lately, this is normal for married couples to go thru what we are going thru, but it's weather we can survive and stay married. I am going thru counseling, but he refused, the normal male answer, "I'm not telling a therapist about my problems." To me he is just running away, we are getting along the best we have, and still having sex,, which is really hard for me, because its easy to have sex with someone you love, but not to someone who doesn't love you. But i just don't know what to do, i love him so much. But that is not to say that i don't want him to change and treat me better if he would do that i would respond to him differently, I have just learn to shut up and therefore i but up this wall, i wish i would have been stronger all these years and told him how it made me feel when he treated me this way I have never really felt worthy of him, it seemed when i did start telling him, and that has been in the last two years, it made him madder, the fact that i was actually fighting back, then i think maybe that was the wrong thing to do, and that it just drove him further away. Maybe this serperation will be good for the both of us, even though he has not left yet and it has been since April that he told me he was leaving. There are signs that he is leaving soon. I believe in are marriage so strongly that i wish he could see that it was worth working on. He is such a determined man, when he sets his mind to something there is no stopping him, so he will go through with this weather it is wrong or not. It is the worst pain i have ever gone through. But maybe things will work out in the end. I also would like to hear of success strories where the couple had worked it out without one partner going to therapy. Sorry about the rambling on but i need to get it out.

Everyone please excuse my spelling errors!! You know what happens when you ramble on.

I too, am going through a similar situation (I have my own posting "husband not in love anymore"). Our therapist is trying hard, and I really like her (I get the feeling she's on my side, although my husband doesn't see this) but nothing has changed in the last two months. We have each seen her separately at least twice, as well. There are books out there about how one person can change a relationship - I can't think of the titles, but look in the self-help section at your bookstore. FYI - I've read many of these & practice much of the philosophies, but the situation between my husband & I has not improved. Good luck - my heart goes out to you & I'll include you in my prayers (I'm not very religious, but I find a nighly prayer/thank you helps comfort me). Take good care of yourself.
<p>-Amy