Hi friends,<P>I posted an update on my story today.<P>This question is strictly related to the children. What can I do to help my kids better than I am doing now? I must be doing something right, they are getting straight A's, behavior included at school.<P>I am looking for books to read, web sites to visit, stories that are similar to mine. Anything at all, that you would like to share. I know that since the divorce became an issue, my kids are both depressed.<P>They take it out on each other and me. They are extremely mad at their dad, but don't act that way for him, or take things out on him. Counselor said its because they are waiting for me to leave them too.<P>Thank you in advance for any insight, links, etc, to this question.<P>Dana<BR>

I have lived with my 4 kids anger, confusion and hurt which they NEVER display to their dad as he told them that he will not hear this from them and they may not behave that way with him or.......and this is what has helped make, especially the younger 2 crazier.<P>Yes the anger is misplaced at each other and you and this is SO HARD ((((Lonelymom))))))<BR>One day they will turn a corner. Keep themat the counsellor if you can, you never know what is worrying them in trms of the mess. There are things that they will want to discuss re their dad that they cannot with you. <P>Just be there for them.<BR>My 13 year old D was a mess for 12 months...grades dropped and she was out of control. In the last month I have a d who is a lovong, helpful and wonderful child who has let the anger go. This after being diagnosed with ADHD (medication at school only which has helped) therapy 2x a week, and a deeper understanding of taking responsibility.<P>No matter what, all children have to express their feelings when their parents go through this....and withn infidelity it is much harder for them.<P>Just continue to be there for them.<P>Goodluck...you are doing a wonderful job under very diffucult circumstances.

Willbok,<P>Thank you for the kind words. I took them to dinner tonite, just me and my three girls. I bought them new clothes, they helped me pick out a new outfit. We had a great time. And do you know what my almost 9 year old daughter said? The last time we did this we came home and daddy had a fit.<P>That was about a year ago. I almost died. How can she remember this stuff? SHe also told me that she thinks I deserve a better husband than daddy was and that daddy and OW (she called her by her name) are miserable and she is glad.<P>WOW, was all I could think. Apparently my oldest does not think highly of all this. She is very angry towards her sister for being so sweet and angelic to Daddy and OW. She called her little sister a trader and told her what they did to those people in the old days.<P>I can't believe what kids can pick up on. I had a talk with them. They know I will never leave. I guess I just feel I have to do more. I am afraid to make a mistake that will take them into their own marraiges and think this is normal.<P>Still looking for websites on custody, divorce etc and the effects on the kids.<P>Thanks, Dana<BR>

Dana,<P>I got a book back in Aug, but wasn't able read it at that time because it refered to stepfather and it really shocked me as I never planned for my kids to have a step anything! I still haven't read it.<P>The book is called "Second Chances, Men, Women and Children a Decade After Divorce." by Judith Wallerstein and Sandra Blakeslee. Its a study of 60 families that experienced divorce and followed them for a decade.<P>From reading the foreward, it is anti-divorce and shows that things don't return to normal in a few years and it(divorce)is a "life shaping experince."<P>AS I said I haven't read it and and can't give you any insight.<P>I would say if your kids are doing okay in school and are being social towards other then they seem to be handling things okay. The fighting may just be seibling stuff. Thats pretty much what my counselors have said.<P>The thing that scares me is that my d is starting to act like her mother did/does. If she isn't having fun, then no one is. If I try to take my d someplace she doesn't want to go, then she tries to ruin it for me and my son if he is having a good time.<P>I took my son to a museum today and d did not want to go so she went withe x instead, who took her shopping for the xxxxxxxth time in a row.<P>X didn't even care that I had made plans with the kids and she was off today. I didn't know she was off because she didn't tell me, she told the kids and they didn't tell me. She even forgot that I said lastnite I would drop s off afterwards.<P>Good luck on the research and let us know if you find anything. <P>Bob

Bob<P>I am going to pick up that book when I go to the mall this weekend, I'll let you know how it is. Although I am deadset on NOT wanting my lousy ex back and hope that doesn't mess my head up. <P>That is our biggest fear, our kids turning out like our spouse. God forbid, but I think it will. Just like we turn out similar to our parents, sometimes anyway.<P>Thanks for the reply.<P>Dana<BR>