I know I should but I'm afraid it will ruin my son's party if his Dad comes. I'm still in Plan B and don't want to have a big fight with my stbx on my son's big day.<BR>Not to mention he will be no help financially or otherwise with the party. <P>Is it wrong for me to have the party for my son and let Dad do his own thing for my son's birthday? <P>Tulip

That's a tough question when you aren't divorced yet. I think once a divorce is final, usually the cp has the birthday parties etc. and the ncp does his or her own thing when they have the child. This is what I do. First off, I am the cp but our divorce papers state that he gets the kids for 3 hours on their birthday. So, if he wants to pick them out and take them out to dinner he can. They are still young enough where they have birthday parties. I schedule a sleep over or what ever they want to do for their birthday on which ever weekend is closest to their birthday. Also, usually the more time that goes by, the easier it gets. For instance, when my kids reach the age when they are graduating I plan to have a big graduation party and I will invite their father, his wife and his family (parents, siblings). Something like that you can't have two of. I would hope that as parents we can put aside our differences for the sake of our children. My parents are divorced, both remarried and when I have big parties for my kids both my parents and their spouses come. We just attended a baptism for my neice and both my parents were there. They all even sat at the same table for lunch and visited with each other.

I think if you can put everything aside and enjoy the day together with your son, then ask him. Your interaction can be minimal, but for your sons sake you two must be civil. If you or you don't think your stbx can be civil, then I would not ruin the day for your son.Just do your own thing, and let X take him for a while by himself. <P>------------------<BR>Susan

Tulip, <BR>Maybe I'm bitter, but I cant help but think about how they are treating us and ask why should you?<BR>The only reason you could, is if your son has said that he wants his Dad to come.<BR>My son is 9, he will be 10 in July. I asked him the same question about his birthday. He said he will probably be so busy playing with his friends that he won't pay attention to him anyway. He says he would prefer one on one with his Dad later.<BR>That's my son. I don't know how old your boy is, but, if he's around the same age he can make up his own mind and will tell you what he thinks. That way it was your sons decision, you were just respecting it.<BR>However, if your son is too young to make the decision on his own, than do what you feel will make your son happy. NOT what makes your H happy.<BR>I hope this helps you out.<BR>Lisa

BonnieSept,<P>Thanks for the advice. I agree for big things like graduation he should be invited. I'm hoping by that time we can be a little more civil to each other. <P>Sue,<P>I'm not so worried able myself being civil as I am about my stbx. He always has to make smart a** comments and just be a royal pain in the butt. He seems to not realize what any of this garbage does to the kids I think unless some miracle happens it would probably be better with stbx there.<P>Lisa,<P>Thanks for your reply. I am bitter too. My stbx is such a manipulator it makes my skin crawl. My son is turning 9 and probably won't care either way if Dad is there. The really bad thing is my son's b-day and my stbx's b-day are one day apart. I'm hoping that my H will be too busy celebrating with the ow to care what we are doing on this end. If my H had been more civil all along I would have no problem inviting him, but that seems to be a very difficult task for him to accomplish <P>Tulip<BR>

I don't understand why you would not want your H to be there for your son's party. Our daughter asked her father to watch her blow out the candles and eat a piece of cake, and he refused. She was disappointed and hurt, especially since he was happy to come to our son's party a few months before, even asking if he could come to dinner. <p>[This message has been edited by Nellie1 (edited April 06, 2000).]

As a teacher I know how important it is for kids to have both parents involved as much as possible. They have to know that being separated or divorced is a matter that happens between parents and doesn't affect the love of the parent for the child. I would urge everyone to make efforts to be civil for the sake of the kids. It is a tough time for them, too. (My parents were divorced and it took them years to be able to be in the same room together.)

Do what the child really wants.<P>Last year in may my d turned 13...I asked my H to join us to celebrate at a restaurant. He came and even though he was making jokes about women chasing my older 18 year old sons (who were working at his office for 2 months in the summer) and inappropriate in other ways, my d was thrilled that we were able to do this.<P>When my 16 year old turned 16 he chose to go away for the weekend to visit one brother at school with me and his sister. He gave his father the phone number, but his dad told him that he would not phone him as he would have to talk to me! <P>So I think that it is really up to the child.<BR>This May, when d turns 14, even though H and I do not talk AT ALL, if she wants her mom and dad together, I will make sure that I will have done my best to make it happen, even though this would stick in my throat!!!

My d asked me the very same thing tonite at supper. She said she wants to ahve a boy/girl party for her 13th birthday in July and asked who would help me chaperone it(I said the Nat'l Guard ).<P>I then told her may be her mother and I will be getting along by then,( but I doubt it.)<P>It sounds like she wasn't planning on inviting mom anyway.<P><BR>This weekend is my x's birthday, I guess I won't be getting invited to that. The kids informed me that x is taking them to Red Lobster for dinner that night.<P>When we were married we used to go to fancy restaurants with her parents as its her father's birthday too. I guess they aren't coming in this year for the birthday either.<BR>Red Lobster must be om's favorite restaurant as this has been atleast twice this year she has been there. I bet she was only at a Red Lobster 3 times in the 16 yrs were were married. My how the mighty have fallen!!!<P>------------------<BR>"You can't always get what you want! But if you try real hard,you might just find, you get what you need!"<BR>Mick Jagger