Ok, it's been awhile since I have been here. Last time was last year when hubby and I were split up. We got back together in Dec. and now he's been gone again since March( my choice). Here's a little background, we have been married for 9 years and have 2 boys ages 6 & 8. Most of the marriage has been bad. Lots of arguing,emotional, verbal, and physical abuse over the years. This has taken place in front of our children on too many occasions to remember. I am not sure if i love him or if i have ever loved him for that matter, or if all the crud has clouded my feelings. My husband wants to come home, he says he loves me and does not want to let me go. I cant see us together but i am having a hard time dealing with us being apart. Last year when we split up it felt like the weight of the world was lifted. This time I feel very different. I was deperessed, having anxiety attacks, and extremely emotional. I felt like running away from everything, including my children. I don't feel like this anymore though Thank God. My husband keeps telling me that we can work this out and he loves me and wants to come home. I am so afraid that this will not change and i cant handle anymore. I think i would have a break down if i had to go through anymore with him. he says that it will be different and that if we can get the arguing to go away that it will all be fine. The thing is, i don't think the arguing is the only problem. There is alot that has pushed us apart over the years. There is no intimacy, affection, sex, or anything. i don't think i have kissed him in 3 years. Do you think its because of all the hurt? I dont know if we were to ever get back together that any of that could come back. I feel like i know what i should be doing and i know that this seems like its over but there is something keeping me from taking that final step. WHAT IS IT? I don't understand. I need help so bad, and i don't know what to do here. Anything anyone can say would be greatly appreciated. Thank You

Brandi,<P>I can't tell you to try or not to try. I can tell you that my marriage was very similar. <P>My H and I were married for 10 1/2 years. Technically we still are since the divorce isn't final yet. We have 3 sons. I was abused in any way you can imagine the entire time. It started 2 months after we got married and I was 8 months pregnant. The last time my H hurt me was in Nov. 1999. He put my head thru the wall. He was having an affair and finally left in Dec.1999. At first I was feeling the same way you are now. I was depressed, I lost weight because I couldn't eat, I cried all the time, etc...<P>Now for the good part of my story. I am happy!! I have a job for the first time in my life. My children are happier. There isn't all of the worry about the abuse (which they saw). I know for me, my H always promised that it would stop. It never did. Unless your H is willing to go thru intense counseling, he won't stop. <P>Good luck to you!<P>Mitzi

Brandi,<P>I'd have to agree with Mitzi on this one!<P>Your protecting yourself, and the kids has to come first!<P>If your H would agree to counseling (long term and intense) on the issues of abuse...<BR>...and then maybe after a month or two... both of you get into marriage counseling...<BR>...then assess the situation!<P>He probably doesn't want to "wait" that long...<BR>...but you need to be sure he is willing to change.<BR>...maybe get him to check out the MB site and get him to understand the amount of work it's going to take to rebuild the marriage...<BR>...he just may give up... <B>or</B>...<BR>...really decide to repair and rebuild.<P>Being honest with him about what it will take...<BR>...and leaving the decision with him is all you can do.<P>Like an alcoholic...<BR>...things will only change when they hit a rock bottom<BR>...and figure out what needs to be done to move forward from there.<P>You have my prayers... <P>Jim

Since you have children, I think you owe it to your family to look at the possibilities of reconciling, BUT that does not mean you have to go there. Before moving back in and commiting yourself to more abuse, just give him a chance to show he is willing to change. See if he goes to counseling. See if the abuse stops. See if love does develop again. If change comes, give it 6 months to a year and see if they are real and continuous. <P>Personally, I don't see a lot of hope for that type of situation, but people can and do change. It's worth a shot before throwing it all away.<P>Meanwhile, do something good for yourself. get a job. Volunteer. Take a class. Start a hobby. If you are doing fine, the relationship can only improve.