Cinderella, <BR>Read your post about the "chemistry" you are feeling with this new relationship...did you ever think you could feel this way again?? Are you questioning anything about his intent??<BR>I also have met someone, after two yrs of h***. Actually I have known him for a long time, but just started dating a few months ago. I also am feeling that chemistry, and am amazed I can feel like that again at 46!!<BR>Anyone else going through similar feelings??<BR><p>[This message has been edited by sue (edited August 09, 2000).]

I'm right there with you at 36! Never thought I would have this again. It's like highschool all over again and without the alcohol!

I think that it's great to find that over again, but still think y'all should go slow. Remember, our X's all said they feel this chemistry with someone else, enough to leave their families over it - and most of them are going to be very sorry in a few years (I believe). I guess maybe that's a real different situation because of the lies and deceit that are involved on their parts, but I just think go slow because "feelings" aren't everything.<P>------------------<BR><BR>Kathy

Kathy, <BR>You are all too right. I am going slow, because I know I am not ready for anything more right now. <BR>It is just after going through all the crap, and finally coming to the realization my marriage was over, to actually feel something again, without the lies and pain that surrounded the last two yrs with X, just feels nice. <BR>I certainly did not expect it, and maybe that is why it amazes me so. Seems like it was the last thing I was wanting, and it landed straight in my lap. I never felt I would be comfortable with another man, after so many yrs with X (20). But I am with this one. Maybe because I have known him for a while, but we are very compatable in so many ways. <BR>He knows where I am, and has not pressured me in any way, but he is not dating anyone else, and neither am I. I just don't have any desire to!<P>------------------<BR>Susan

As usual, I feel the same way as Sue. I wasn't expecting this, but here it is. I am only dating this guy and no one else. But, it does worry me to be involved with someone so soon. It's hard to take things slow when everything is going so well.

Hi ladies,<P>Yes, I've felt the chemistry as well. I never thought I could feel that after being hurt so badly.<P>It is a great relief to actually learn that you are capable of feeling anything again beyond pain and heartache.<P>There is a song out, I don't know who sings it, but its a female, and it goes.."I will love again, even though my heart is breaking, I will love again, stronger than before" well thats part of it anyhow.<P>I think its totally possible to feel more intense feelings because we have learned about needs and that its ok to have them. Many of us were the givers in the previous relationship and it feels good to actually be on the receiving end for a change !!<P>As you both know , I suppose I went to fast and now must suffer for it. Nothing like learning the hard way. However, I do believe that is what is meant to be , will be, and I'll wind up with the person I'm intended to be with no matter what.<P>Its very easy for others to tell us to go slow(everyone told me), but when you feel like your in highschool again,and you can't stop thinking about that special someone, its the best feeling!<P>So yes, going slow is a good thing. But then again, going to slow, or being afraid of the future and what you are capable of, thats not any better. <P>Reminds me of my latest inspirational quote of the week.<P><B> Many of us spend our whole lives running from feeling with the mistaken belief that you can not bear the pain. But you have already borne the pain. What you have not done, is feel all you are beyond that pain. (Kahlil Gibran) </B><P>Hugs to you,Dana<BR>

Dana,<BR>Wow, that last quote is quite telling, isn't it?? <BR>There is always the chance of being hurt, esp whenever we are involved with others. My believe is that as humans, we look to be with another. We want to share our lives with others. For some people, they get what they need from friends and family. But I am the kind that likes being in a relationship. I like being with the oppostie sex. <P>I had my time alone. I didn't marry until I was 28. I did all the "single" stuff I wanted to then. At 46 (well, almost) I want the closeness of a monogamous relationship. What I didn't expect was to find it so soon. <P>But I feel at least ready to only see one person, but I guess I am not there on marriage yet. Someday, I will want to marry, but not soon. So, for now, this is working out well. <P>If he comes to a point where he wants more, then I will have to make sure I am ready. <BR>But I will not let this wonderful opportunity pass me by!! <BR><P>------------------<BR>Susan

Sue,<P>I agree with everything you said and he has been patient so far!! Don't let him slip away though! <P>Guess what, I'll be 28 next month!! I"m catching you!! <P>Myself, with 3 kids, I don't want to be necessarily "single" because I don't want my kids to see other guys coming and going in my life. I would not introduce them to just anyone. I don't "need" anyone, I just "like" being in a relationship better. Ultimately thats not my decision, its what God brings into my life.<P>Prayers and hugs, and Cinderella don't run from that chemistry!<BR>Dana<BR>

Hello again!<P>Well here we are again. Talking about the risks of getting hurt and going too fast. I guess my biggest concern right now is whether this is "real". I think what Kathy wrote sunk in with me later in the day. Right now, we are all feeling that wonderful chemistry of a new relationship. But, I think most of us know that these feelings don't last but that doesn't mean that we will not then be able to experience a more long lasting and satisfying love. That's where the commitment comes in. So, I agree that none of us should run off and get married anytime soon. We need to take lots of time to really get to know the other person. I have read that this "giddy" feeling lasts about 2 years, more or less. So, I think it is smart to hold off on marriage (if that is even an option) for at least 2 years. By then, you should know the person very well, and will be able to make more rational decisions. But, that doesn't mean that you can't be in a relationship now and enjoy these feelings while they last. So, here's to enjoying what we have right now. Right now, I have some people telling me that I'm not making rational decisions now because I am in too deep. Many people think I should be dating others right now. They may be right, but, it's too late for that now. I wouldn't feel comfortable dating others at this point. So, I am going to see where this goes. The worst case scenario would be that it doesn't work out and I will date again at that point. Of course, there will be pain and hurt but I would survive and probably learn to approach my next relationship much more slowly. But, if it does work out, well then, I got lucky and I will pray that we both would be committed to each other for a lifetime. My parents were each successful the second time around. My Dad said they knew they were right for each other 2 weeks after they met. They will celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary next year. I must admit I really like the song "Still the One" right now. I hope I can say that we beat the odds. I guess I will always be a hopeless romantic.<P>So, Cinderella, what have you decided to do?<p>[This message has been edited by 711 (edited August 17, 2000).]

I guess I would win the award for being in the biggest positive emotional wad. I haven't a clue as to what is going on or what I want out of this relationship.<P>I am so confused - in a good way. This forum is sometimes like a therapy group. Let's go for it.<P><BR>There's so much chemistry with the guy I've been dating this summer. It's intellectual as well as sexual chemistry. Multifaceted. Not just biological.<P>Having survived a date rape and being a Christian, I try to have fairly high standards for what is acceptable behavior and I know we've crossed those lines.<P>My x was sexually anorexic and got his thrills with 'self-abuse' in the shower if you get my drift. So we didn't have a great sex life but it feels as if I used to get to eat (have sex) then, for no fault of my own, someone took away my eating privileges. And I survived. Now I've met a man who is,without a doubt, much more experienced than me, and I feel really guilty. He feels as guilty as me and this is a serious struggle. We've only known each other 3 months and we're really trying to back off the physical stuff. But, oh, how I struggle. And I can tell it's as hard for him.<P>Where does it spring from? We've both been hurt. We both lost our 'sparking privileges' and we need affirmations. There is some attraction intellectually because we spent hours on the phone in intelligent conversation before we actually met. (Phone calls leading to blind date.) The chemistry isn't just physical.<P>I've met his mother, met one of his good friends and his wife, gone to a family reunion and a family wedding. (And we met 3 months ago.) This weekend I am meeting his old next-door-neighbors (during his marriage) and that night I'll meet his spiritual mentor and his wife. This sounds like I'm being taken out for inspection.<P>However, the other night he said something about the fact that we had both said this should be left as a friendship. I am not usually so intimate with friends. Even some of his hugs seem like invitations to ......<P>I am not ready for a major committment but I am ready and it's been long enough that I would like to start looking for a life partner should the right one come along. I know that there's still a lot of growing I have to do. But this man hasn't been divorced long enough to be at the same point.<P>So,.......<p>[This message has been edited by cinderella (edited August 15, 2000).]

So there you are!!!<BR>I was wondering when you would show up!!<P>It is so hard when you have been in a long term relationship and it ended so badly to "reconnect" with ourselves and another person on an intimate level. So much of our self defense mode locks in and we are afraid to go with our feelings. Perhaps rightfully so. It does keep us from pain. <P>But I am experiencing a rejuvination of myself in this relationship. We have had very deep discussions on what went wrong in our marriages, what we want out of the rest of our lives, and it is just surreal how much we connect, on ALL levels!!I just had such a hard time with my X opening up and exposing myself..I guess I always felt he was disinterested and didn't want to be bothered. <P>My guy now pulls it out of me, he is trying hard to meet my needs for conversation and support. And the feelings I am having just get stronger every day. <P>I feel like my old self more and more. I am relaxing into this relationship like my fav bathrobe, so comfortable when it is on....<P>But, then, I have only been divorced 7 months, but sep off and on for 2 yrs. Is it too soon?? Am I worried about how soon it is for me or what others will think?? After all, it was my X who had the affair, and here I am after only 7 months deep in with someone??? <P>By the way, I am home today feeling ill. My sweety (who calls me every morning at 6:30) knows I am feeling bad. He just called to see if I needed anything and if Iwanted him to come stay with me...now my heart strings are really pulling!!!!!!!<BR><P>------------------<BR>Susan

I'm just in such a wad. I don't know what to think or how to feel about this guy. There is this attraction I've never felt before but I don't know what it means. Is it a rebound thing? Is he a person sent to me by God? (By the way, I firmly believe God has sent special people to me at special times for special reasons.) And this attraction, which is both intellectual and physical, is mutual.<P>What's going on? It's one of life's mysteries? I sure wish I could figure it out, though.<P><BR><P>------------------<BR>JMJ

I am absolutely loving experiencing the new chemistry,<P>but have to laugh at the things that set it off now - as a teenager, the handsome, sulking motorcycle guy set my heart aflutter.<P>Now, a stable, calm rock of a guy is making my heart pound.<P>Something good has to come with the fineline wrinkles...like the brain and heart are finally in sync.<P><BR>

Honey west, <BR>What a great way of putting it!! And so true, I believe. Certainly I thought I was on both feet when I married my X, I was 28 and had been through the single thing for several years. <BR>But this relationship feels mature, feels "giddy", feels so right!!<BR>I guess some of my concerns are how others are viewing it..like I said, it has not been that long and everyone, while happy for me, I wonder if they think it is too soon....<BR>Should I even care????<P>------------------<BR>Susan

Hi,<P>I have you beat - I was 33 when I married. Its almost embarrassing, I made such a bad choice at a supposedly mature age. I really believed he had the qualities I was looking for, but now I look back and see how wrong I was. Wrong - isn't the right answer - incredibly stupid and naive is the right one. The little bit of a "bad boy" in him still had an appeal for me - and was our eventual undoing. <P>Hey, we have earned our brains, we know what we are doing this time. I know I'd listen to any warning bells. Just not hearing them, and I think its because I actually have fallen for a good guy, who was from a loving normal family, who works hard, and is smart and steady, and thinks he is the luckiest man alive that I am with him. <P>And I agree too with that mature and giddy at the same time feeling. The overall feeling that I have now makes me feel like one of those movies where the middle-aged wisecracking woman is placed in the teenage body, going through highschool all over again. There are all the good feelings, none of the games, none of the silly insecurities. I love it.<P>You know what is really stupid and girlie? We sigh at the same time. Constantly. And he was the one who pointed it out. I feel blessed that there isn't a single bitter bone in my body, that I can allow myself to feel this way.<P><BR>

I met my x at 18, married him at 21. We were together 17 yrs. Almost 22 yrs till we divorced. I guess I was entitled to be stupid. After we split, my friends from before the marriage all told me they didn't like him from the start and they couldn't figure out what I saw in him. At the end, at least he made good money.<P>I really feel like I'm being taken out and shown off to the family of current guy in an effort to show that he can pick a normal woman. I don't know why on earth he chose the woman he married. I think it was brain death. Talk about finding the absolutely perfectly wrong woman.....<P>Anyway, I really am struggling with where is this going - like I'm supposed to know after 3 months. <P>I think I could deal with all the confusion if we weren't so sexually attracted to each other. At least the feeling's mutual. And this guy, unlike x, knows how to work a female body and does it well. x didn't have a lot of interest. I think half of why my hormones stay so revved up is that I spent so long with little satisfying sex. Now I feel I don't have the right to do it. <P>And I know that if we can keep our relationship and our hands dealing with things from the neck up, [img]http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/images/icons/shocked.gif[/img] [img]http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/images/icons/confused.gif[/img] [img]http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/images/icons/blush.gif[/img] [img]http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/images/icons/frown.gif[/img]<BR>we'll know more about what we want and where we want it to go. <P>It's just so blasted hard. [img]http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/images/icons/confused.gif[/img] [img]http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/images/icons/confused.gif[/img] [img]http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/images/icons/confused.gif[/img] [img]http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/images/icons/confused.gif[/img] [img]http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/images/icons/confused.gif[/img] [img]http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/images/icons/confused.gif[/img] [img]http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/images/icons/confused.gif[/img] [img]http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/images/icons/confused.gif[/img] [img]http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/images/icons/confused.gif[/img] [img]http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/images/icons/confused.gif[/img] [img]http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/images/icons/confused.gif[/img] [img]http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/images/icons/confused.gif[/img]<P>See Cinderella.<BR>See Cinderella struggle.<BR>See Cinderella struggle to keep her hands to herself.<BR>See Cinderella struggle with keeping her head on straight.<BR>See Cinderella struggle with all sorts of issues.<BR>See Cinderella fret.<BR>See Cinderella ponder.<BR>See Cinderella feel wo much like a teenager it's making her absolutely crazy.<P>Maybe I should stay in my own little corner in my own little chair. I would be alone but not feeling very guilty. <BR>

Too funny Cinderella!<P>

Hey Cinderella,<P>I have been reading about your struggles and I too have the same struggles!<P>May I ask?....I don't remember if you have any children or not?........for me it makes it harder bc of I am not only thinking of my self but my children!<P>That was one of the problems of my marriage is I put the children first and kinda left the H at the road side!<P>I no of all my mistakes that I have made and I KNOW that I will not make the same mistakes!........but you have or I think so much more to deal w/when there are children involved!<P>I am ready for a relationship and hope that in a few years re-marry......I loved being married......having the love of my life come home from work w/a nice home cooked meal on the table and drink ready for him!<P>Wakeing up in the morning in his arms....even having.......um morning....er,well,you know what!<BR>(I love that) <P>It is so hard to know when you get involved and the "chemistry" is there!<BR>To know if it is really "Real" or if it is rebound!(how do you really know?)<P>Everything that you have said I am right there w/you!(what about feeling like butter and weak kneed when he kisses you!)..aaaaaahhhhh<P>Well,if you happen to find the answer then will you let me know!<P>(It would be soooo easy for me to say yes!!!......lets get married,I do want to spend the rest of my life w/you......I need you....can't live w/out you!.....But then reality and my head steps in and says...now,now,now,wait a min!....let's just think about this for a while!)<P>UGH!......I do really know what you are going through!.....<P>Thanks for the vent!<P>Take it easy and I will see you when I get back home!<P>Gina <P>------------------<BR>"If we deny love that is given to us,if we refuse to give love because we fear pain or loss,then our lives will be empty,our loss greater!"-----Anonymous----

Ok, what's to analyze ya'll? Estrogen and testosterone. If you are ever real bored one evening, go check out research they've done on rats and other mammals. Even better, go watch the ducks and pigeons in the park someday. <P>I'm not the master of my hormones either, so don't get me wrong. However, I'm not going to get all googly eyed over some guy who swings his [censored] in front of me, then call it "love". <P>If you made it past all the above, there is one more item...<BR>All of you folks married men who believed that love is a "feeling". When they found someone who made them feel better, they left. Seems to me, you are attracting the same type of men again. I don't care how much money they make, how great their family is, blah, blah. If they don't have the will to do the work of the relationship once it stops being "fun", you will end up right back here in the future. <P>Have fun. Really, I mean it. The early stages are the "fun" part. But while you are doing that, keep your eye on how well they manage crisis. Are they quitters? Have they ever had to struggle for anything? What is their response to extreme stress? Do they consistently take the easy way out? Do they fib about little things (little things turn into big things)? Do they blame other people for their problems? Also know, that no matter how carefully you scrutinize them, that something unexpected that you won't like will eventually come up if you know them long enough. Just count on it. <P>Someone said that they were happy that they they weren't bitter and could "feel this way". I'm sorry, but any animal with functioning genitals/hormones can "feel this way". It's really not all that mysterious.<P>On the other hand, some people don't have problems having multiple marriages, and don't have problems swapping partners every few years. They have made the decision (for whatever reason) that feeling "in love" is more important than anything else in the relationship. If you are one of those people, please do me a favor. Don't teach your male children this, for the sake of my future daughters.

Gee TS, Good one.<P>You were able to stereotype, patronize and insult "the group of us" at one time. Include the thinly veiled sniper attacks in some of the other posts - altogether I'd describe it as "catty."<P>I don't see any reason to describe us as rutting animals, slobbering over any musk-scented stud that wanders in range.<P>We have all been hurt, we have all been in love, and we are all healing. My opinion is that this group, has done more analyzing of their marriages, of themselves and their spouses, their strengths and weaknesses than most people on this board. The common bond among the group of us, is the "shock" at feeling in love again. It is a great feeling TS, and has nothing to do with great sex. Don't reduce it to something pathetic and sordid.<P>Even when people here have disagreed with your opinions, they have never attacked you personally. I would appreciate the same respect.<P>I went through hell for years, TS. I lurked here, and read things, and it helped me get through some very dark times. Some of the ones that helped me the most were the upbeat posts, letting me know that things would be better, that life goes on, that my children would stop crying, that I would love again and be happy. Its been over three years for me, I wanted to come back to maybe give someone else that ray of hope that I got.<P>Having you dismiss us, as shallow and vapid, doesn't help anyone.<BR>