HAve any of you taken your kids to counselors to help them deal with the trauma of D??? Results??? Regrets??? Any ideas????<BR>

Hi Seeking joy, I like your name!<P>My ex left right on xmas day and it was completely unexpected. Sure we didn't have the picture perfect marriage. Matter of fact, there was lots wrong with it, but we didn't have the skills to notice it until it was too late. <P>Anyhow, I had 3 daughters age 9,7 and 2. They were devestated, as was I. We all started counseling before New Years. My two oldest went to intense once a week counseling for the first 6 months. Then it went down to every other week, to each 3 weeks, to once a month, to every other month now, like a maintanence thing.<P>My kids have had straight A's since their dad left, (and had them before) and I think thats an indicator that the counseling did them good. I never once bad mouthed ex or OW in front of the kids, but of course, I have otherwise, but they think I like their dad as a friend and the ow too. The point is, to the kids, they are more adjusted with this. It does hurt that they love OW, but she also takes good care of them when ex has them, so I don't worry about abuse, etc, just it hurts that the kids love the woman involved in it all. <P>In the end, its whats best for the kids. If you can't avoid the divorce, I don't think counseling will EVER hurt your kids, unless you have a bad counselor. <P>I chose one who's a lady and her dad abandoned her as a child, so she knew what my kids went thru first hand. She was wonderful!<P>Good luck!<BR>Dana<BR>

I went for the innitial visit with the counselor tonight - it was okay - before the kids go.<P>I felt like it was productive. But maybe not as effective as it should be. However, I don't know how or what to compare it to.<P>Maybe I'm just drawing straws... I'm hoping I get more views of this.<P>Thanks.<P>

There are a lot of bad counselors out there. I have never taken the kids to counseling, but one of our counselors told my H that he should lie to the kids and tell them that he was renting a room from the OW. Our first counselor, among other things, claimed that it is not the job of a marriage counselor to help couples decide whether to stay married. She admitted to me later that she lied to me about why she did not want us to discuss our relationship, but just the kids. A third, supposedly pro-marriage, counselor claimed that he and his wife of 30 years divorced because he couldn't meet her need for organization. Yeah, right. <P>There are probably some good counselors out there somewhere, but a bad counselor can do far more harm than good.

Both of my kids went to counselors. I took my son to the one I was going to. He only went twice. She said he identified a number of people he could go to with help and she felt he was dealing with things okay. My son is very verbal and isn't afraid to aske the hard questions. He is 10.<P>My x took our daughter, 13 yo. She took her to the firm where we last counseled(2-3 times) but to another counselor. The mistake I made was to allow my x to set it up and I didn;t got to alot of the sessions so I only got my x's version, if that, of what went on.<P>My daughter is very closed mouthed about things so she doesn't tell me what is bothering her. Counselor did tell me d had issuse with her mother and that she had to work them out. Took daughter to two different sessions(8 visits each) and an additional 1-2 visits. <P>I thinks it helped. Daughter was able to talk to someone outside the family. My x was blowing smoke, so I couldn't believe/trust her. <P>My daughter's counselor was very professional and really wouldn't tell me much and never told me what was said. My son's was more liberal and I found out what was going on in his head.

I have taken my 11 yo D to 3 counselors - once to the counselor that I was seeing, several times over the summer to a young intern that had been recommended to me and most recently 3 times to a man I personally knew who is a psychologist with the school district. <P>My daughter is pretty quiet about her feelings so she was not comfortable at all with my therapist - the young intern played games with her but could not get her to talk but the last counselor was great and she opened up to him.<P>What was scary to me after talking to the last counselor is that often divorce is like a cavity for kids - there are often no outward problems but there can be years later and often in pre-teen and teenage girls it manifests itself as eating disorders. Kids know that they cannot control what their parents do but they can control how much they eat.<P>This last counselor focused on our move to a new state and how my daughter felt about it. I think they did talk a little about my exH and his new bride (married about 4 weeks after divorce was final). <P>She seems to be doing fine but I am going to keep an eye on her. I plan on taking her to a new counselor in our new hometown in about 3 months - give her time to adjust to school, hopefully meet some new friends and get used to living in Idaho.

SeekingJoy,<P>I went to a Pastor/Marriage Counselor that actually gave me the HNHN book.He taught the Harley principles.<P>I had my oldest 7 [at the time] go to the school counselor.When my youngest 4 started school I then had her talk to him as well.<P>I think it has really been very helpful.It is in a relaxed setting and very familiar to them.And sometimes w/other children going through the same thing.<P>The best part about that of course is it hasn't cost me anything.So that is a plus.<BR>[gotta save those penny's some how.]<P>Hope this helped!<P>Hang in there.<P>Gina <P>------------------<BR>"If we deny love that is given to us,if we refuse to give love because we fear pain or loss,then our lives will be empty,our loss greater!"-----Anonymous----

Thanks Dana!!! I do too... It means something to me - somehow - I'm always seeking more joy - but I've always seen myself as a joyful person too...<P>The kids will be seeing a counselor that I've known for a while - she's good with kids and she wants to see all four of them together the first time. I'm not sure how they will do - or what their needs are. I now there are a lot of issues with the kids.<P>Thanks for your responses - all of you! I'll give it a go and encourage the kids to talk whatever they need to.<P><P>------------------<BR>Let go of what you don't want - to get what you do want. <P>Be willing to grow and evolve as long as you live and your life will be blessed.<P>Be a blessing to those whom you touch everyday.

My son's biggest issue was where was he going to live. Once that was established to him, I guess I forgot to tell hom somewhere along the line that they would be with me, he was fine.<P>The only question my daughter had was if she would have to go to the divorce court. She had seen too many divorce movies/tv shows. She didn't have too and we were before the judge for 10 min anyway.

Seeking Joy,<P>It's true, there are a lot of bad counselors out there. No one should ever lie to the children. I don't care what the excuse is. That teaches them to lie or not to trust us. <P>I always believed that the relationship my kids have with their dad is their business. I'm here to talk, and they tell me some things, but not everything. I don't want to know every detail about each visit, just what bothers them that they need my help on. But that also means when their dad lies to them, or is late, or lets them down, its his problem to deal with. I have covered for him thru the whole marriage, so why do it now too?<P>I guess that hit a nerve huh! What counselor would tell the parent to lie to the kids? Yikes.<P>If you don't get a good feeling from the counselor, keep trying til you get one you feel comfortable with. THis person will be a big part of your children's development.<P>ALso, I'm not positive on this, maybe someone else here is, but I don't think a counselor always has certain degrees of education. Sometimes, the position requires maybe an associate's degree, but I would be sure this person is qualified. If you can't find a good counselor, get a referral from your pediatrician for a good psychologist. Especially if the divorce is like a cavity to the kids, with effects lasting more into the future, than maybe get someone who went to school in that field and will be around for the next few years for your kids.<P>I was in a bad state of denial the first few visits to my kids' counselor and I didn't care for her as much. After I had accepted this divorce was going to happen and stopped worrying about that aspect, I started to really like this lady. <P>Hang in there. But I would definetly say if after a few visits your not all that satisfied, to keep trying.!! Maybe check with a pastor at church, the school psychologist, your pediatrician, or family and friends. Our school district provides free counseling to the kids thru our tax money, so we have a seperate "community center" too. <P>Good luck, and hang in there,<BR>Dana<BR>

Thanks Dana - <P>I'm just really struggling with the whole situation. The kids don't like the idea of me getting the divorce, because they don't want to have to go to DAD by themselves. <P>It's really crummy - when the Dad isn't a Dad to the kids or a Husband to the Mom. It just makes it really difficult for the mom and the kids to adjust. <P>I'm just hanging on - right now - I'll make it and I'm sure the kids will too. It's just the moment - you know!!!<P>Later.