Hi... Well, last week some of you may remember my dilemma about buying a house in Maryland so my H could have the children near to him. Well, he got a job offer for a position in Chicago, IL just yesterday. Hmmm, so it seems Maryland isn't the reason - rule out the other woman thought. Anyway, there was an article in Time Magazine (http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,105633,00.html) called "Reconcilable Differences" and they talked about alternative housing arrangements people have gone through for the sake of their children after a divorce.<P>So, since the job offer H has been online looking at Duplex's in the West 'burbs of Chicago. I didn't understand at first but he said that we'd split the mortgage and he'd live in one and I in the other. That would bring some stability for the kids. I almost laughed... what do you think?<P>Here are the problems listed in the article, please give me your thoughts:<P>* the upsetting things in the relationship re-emerge with any long-range continued contact<P>* privacy problem<P>* confusion factor on the kids - harboring a fantasy that parents will get back together.<P>So, here is my dilemma... I'm not for the sep/divorce but so the idea of two separate homes was very troubling for me, especially with me buying one in my own name. I'm having less problems thinking about him buying a duplex and me renting one half. Someone give me a reality check, please... as it's in my interests to remain close so that we can work on our relationship - even subliminally through meeting emotional needs. Long-range BEST CASE scenario, we end up moving back into one place together and renting the other side.<P>What are your thoughts... I've got to get out of my heart and emotions and I'm relying on you to bring me some logic for my head to sift through.<P>Thanks! Can't wait to hear on this one... pro's and con's, PLEASE!<P>------------------<BR>We cannot do everything at once... but we can do something at once

Hi OvrCs,<P>For a guy that claims he wants out of a marriage, he sure wants to stick close to home! Almost like he wants a divorce on the intallment plan.<P>I wouldn't get too excited about this job offer in Chicago until he has accepted the job and has a contract in hand.<P>Duplex? No how. No Way. No Where. Either the shoes get parked under the same bed, or they get parked across town, but not next door.<P>Bumper

Yeah, I thought it strange too that he wants to be so close to me. I'm beginning to think he just want his own space - one of his issues is that he felt controlled by me... well, no one can control another. Yes, I did have expectations of him - I've seen the error of my ways... I'm dealing with how to accept a person inspite of choices that I don't necessarily agree with.<P>I don't know. He just wants to make decisions about his life for himself. It's very strange that he feels the need to do this independently of me. But that's what he needs... so I have to accept the things I cannot change.<P>------------------<BR>We cannot do everything at once... but we can do something at once<p>[This message has been edited by OvrCs (edited April 12, 2001).]

oops<p>[This message has been edited by OvrCs (edited April 13, 2001).]

The other option that I read about is buying one house for the kids and also renting an apartment. Since H is interested in 50:50 legal/physical custody of the kids, one parent would be with the kids one week while the other in the apartment, and then trade - week by week. So, it would be the parents who are moving and not the kids. <P>Any thoughts on this? I know it's inconvenient not to have my own place, but for stability of the kids...? I'd do it. Anyone know of anybody doing this - and doing it successfully or maybe NOT so successfully? Thanks, still trying to think of options.<P>ps - H has one week to decide on position in Chicago and we're still going out to DC together next week to look around - longer term.<BR><P>------------------<BR>We cannot do everything at once... but we can do something at once

Frankly, I think your H is trying to have it all, and you are making it awfully easy for him. I don't think anything he has suggested is in your best interest or your children's.<P>I don't think going along with your H's crazy ideas is going to save your marriage, but I'm not an expert. <P>I am going to STRONGLY encourage you to call Steve Harley before you do anything or make any decisions.

BR - yeah, you're right. He's in extreme self-protection mode right now and his extremely suspicious of my Plan A mode thinking I'm just trying to "get him back" and then he'll lose "himself" again. He's very to himself these days.<P>He's "differentiating" now - to use a Schnarch term. Maybe it'll be permanent - according to him, and yet there is the God-factor... I will always have hope, I guess.<P>So, keeping this multi-reality in mind, I'm trying to work out what it is that I want and also allow him his "space" to find himself so that when he comes out of the fog, that he'll realize that my actions are sincere.<P>I've decided to wait and let him decide where he wants to go, and I will make my decision whether that works for me. I know he'll be upset because he won't want to make the decision without me agreeing to it (he's afraid I won't come with the kids if he goes on ahead). I'm committed to what is best for the kids (which is equal access to their parents) and I'm also committed to let him have his space. I just HOPE that he'll come 'round and realize that maybe there are some redeemable qualities to me and our relationship... <P>Who knows...<P>Cheers!<P>------------------<BR>We cannot do everything at once... but we can do something at once

OvrC's, <P>I too face the same dilema. I have plan A'ed plenty here in the past few months, and he believes that it is all an attempt to win him back. Well, maybe it is. But there is sooo way much more to it. YOu see, as yourself, I still live with him. I continue to make mistakes. It seems the only time he has drawn closer is whem I decided to make back to our home town, clear across the country. Then he expressed his remorse, stated that he just needs time.<P>He originally wanted us to live here with him while he cont school. I have decided I cannot live with the constant reminder that he does not want me. I told him I do need some self worth, that his leaving me is not the end all tell all of me. <P>Funny thing is...this is why he wants out. Needs some sense of self respect and self worth after the damage I have inflicted over the years. Says now I am completely lovably, but he cant take another risk with me.<P>Sorry, no advice here. Just to let ya know I do emphasize very much with your situation.

<BR>We're doing the "nesting" thing, sort of. I have an apartment, my stbxw has the house. When it's my turn to have the kids, I go to the house and she spends time with a "friend" (she's the only one who believes that, but I digress.) We have an arrangement that gives us equal time with the kids, every other weekend, etc.<P>Originally we had planned that each of use would spend the night there in the house when we had the kids. After about 4 days of that, she said it didn't feel "divorced" enough for her.<P>The only thing I don't like about it is that she occasionally calls and asks to come back to the house for this or that reason. On the last Saturday I was there she called and wanted to come back to take a shower. She showered and got ready for a night out while I finished trimming a door, and she was very obvious about concealing what she was wearing (she had her jacket zipped up to her chin when she left and when she returned, which was unusual.) That was pretty painful.<P>Overall, I think it's a good arrangement for the kids if the parents can handle it. I happen to be doing ok with it and getting better, but I'm sure it's not for everyone. I should be able to afford a house in a couple of years. By then the kids will have had some time to adjust and they'll be able to spend nights at my house. As with almost everything else, your mileage may vary.<P>--<BR>o2bsane@hotmail.com<P>

O2BS... how long have you been doing this? This sounds like it might be feasible... although I'm also like his idea of his purchasing a duplex and us living in separate units... then we have our own space and the kids have us. But he may also decide that it doesn't feel "divorced" enough...<P>Learning... yes, I can totally relate to you... but at least your H is giving you indicators that there might be hope. My H is cold as ice when it comes to that. Though, he let me kiss him and lick his lip today with out flinching! To me, that's progress! But to him, it's probably a LB since I violated his "boundary." God help me...! That's a big problem with me - respecting other's boundaries...<P>Anyway, I don't hold out for much future so I'm trying the Appreciative or Affirmative approach to making his desire for "living his own life" work without becoming a doormat. <P>------------------<BR>We cannot do everything at once... but we can do something at once<p>[This message has been edited by OvrCs (edited April 13, 2001).]

OvrCs,<P>We've only been doing this for 2 months. Not that long in the overall scheme of things.<P>If it were me, I'd be agreeable to living next door. I'm pretty sure that I'm very much in the minority, though. My focus is completely on doing what's most helpful for the kids. Letting them have free, open access to both of us is the best help I can give them at this point.<P>Good luck to you.<P>--<BR>o2bsane@hotmail.com<BR>

Living next door to each other or time sharing the house are one thing, but to consider moving across the country away from your friends and family is something totally differant. <P>I agree with who ever said your H is wanting it all. I think maybe the push your H needs is to actually see what living with out his family is like.<P>I can understand your wanting to do what ever it takes to get him back, but I really don't think that giving in to what he wants for his life is going to do that.<P>Do whats best for you and your kids. They are going to have a hard time no matter what. Plan A for yourself. To make you a better mom and over all person. Maybe if your H can see what a strong person you are, that along with seeing what he'll be missing out on by leaving rather than staying and working things out will make him think twice about Divorce.<P>It just seems odd that he wants out, but expects you to move to another state with him so he can see the kids.<P>Just my thoughts.................<p>[This message has been edited by FinallyGettingItRight (edited April 13, 2001).]

Thanks... you make a good point FGR! I think I'll play the "wait on God" game as that is the best for me and the kids right now... I can't even imagine making such a major decision on my own... the dissolution of a marriage just shatters my confidence to venture out there on my own as the leader of the family. So, I'll just hang tight to see how it goes for him and then decide if/when that may work out for me...<P>Thanks again for all your advice everyone!!!<P>------------------<BR>We cannot do everything at once... but we can do something at once