I posted about a week ago i guess and got a couple of replies and i want to thank everyone who did take the time to read my plight. I havn't seen my wife in about 2 months now or even spoken with her, since she has a restraining order against me for assaulting her. My wife was pregnant with my child which she told me she was going to abort and was at a pool party or drug party as i like to call it. I don't know what drugs she was taking i just know she smokes weed daily and uses other drugs such as ecstacy and crystal meth recreationally. Anyway i had just got off from work and i went to where she was and tried to convince her to leave. She hadn't been home much lately and since she told me she was going to get an abortion even though she knew i thought it was the most disgusting thing in the world we pretty much felt uncomfortable in the same room with each other and i was trying everyday to find a way to open a line of communication. She had another man that was her 'best friend' the entire time we were married despite my objections and pleas to be her best friend. the closest i ever got in importance to her was 3rd after herself and her daughter, my stepdaughter ( best relationship of my life , Ashlynn is seven and i thank god for giving me the times with her i have. btw my wife won't let me see her anymore either) anyway i get my wife out to her car and as she has done many times in the past she attacked me, as the onlsaught ensued i tried to calm her down and tell her that i love her and that we needed to get some help, mostly i wanted us to get some help, i knew our relationship was dying and i loved this woman even though i doubt she ever made a serious commitment to me. (two weeks after we got married she spent the night with her ex-boyfriend because as she says she was drunk) well as she is assaulting me i decided that she was leaving weather she liked it or not and i hit her in the back of her head 3 times and drug her to my car and then drove her to our preachers house. I guess i deserve her leaving me and telling me it is all my fault that we are over because i hit her and everything. It is kind of hard for me to deal with the fact that i am a wife-beater now. I just wanted to get my family some help, and i didn't think i could force her to leave without hitting her because then i'd have to fight with all of her drug buddies if i couldn't get her out of thier quietly. I guess now i feel like i totally screwed up and even though everything my wife has done to me, and believe me i know it takes two, i feel like she has a legitimate right to walk out on me. hit me once shame on you, hit me twice shame on me.<P>I filed for divorce on friday, doesn't make a lot of sense considering i don't want to be divorced, i also know that a relationship with my wife wouldn't work either unless she quit taking drugs which i doubt she will do anytime soon, her mother is a drug addict and has been her entire life.<BR>I don't think my wife has any interest in saving our relationship and since we have split my nieghbors have informed me that W.J. (her best friend) has spent the night there. I don't know if the two of them are together now or if they are still just 'friends' but i sure know that hurt. <BR>A friend of mine called my wife the other night and pretended not to know we were split, despite my objections to this childish and ridiculous idea but information was gained regardless. my wife basicly told my friend that we split up because i beat her to death and then mentioned something about drugs but said i did all the drugs she did and have taken more in my life than she has. when it comes to drugs she is right but i havn't taken drugs during our relationship like she has, i took drugs years ago and sure i smoked some weed with her everynow and then thinking it would be good for our relationship if everynow and then i gave her a break from my constant nagging about drug use.<P> i guess i could ramble forever anyone see any hope here?<BR>

joconnor,<P>You're up pretty early! For me it's afternoon. Are you having trouble sleeping...maybe you need your medication upped a bit.<P>I have a friend who has a sister who is a drug addict, takes heroin but swears she only smokes marijuana. She lies, steals, is abusive, unstable and all the other things you said about your wife. The sister has an addiction, and like any other addiction, it is all important to her and nothing else matters. Do you suspect your wife is into heavier drugs? If she's mixing with people who are, chances are that she is.<P>I have a brother who was addicted to alcohol, so what I'm about to say to you is from experience. He mixed with people who smoked and shot up and eventually he did it too...didn't become an addict, according to his friends. One day he OD'd and died. We had NO idea he was doing drugs. We were concentrating on trying to help him with alcohol...he used to find ingenious ways to get it, and drink under my mother's roof without her suspecting a thing. So I know this is the truth: unfortunately there isn't a lot you can do until she wants to help herself. <P>What do you do? I would suggest Plan A as much as you can for as long as you can. Don't expect her to respond; drugs is her own kind of fog, or wall. And there may come a time when you have to protect yourself, and you will have to Plan B.<P>I also suggest you try to look after yourself... MAKE yourself do things, see friends, exercise, read, whatever you can to make YOU feel better. You won't stop feeling the pain, but if you can distract yourself for some of the time it will help.<P>You said you filed for divorce. Has she received the papers yet?<P>Take care and hang in there....<P>Nina

thanx for the reply nina, <P>no i don't think she has the papers yet because i just signed the financial affadavit on friday so i figure she will get served some time this week. I don't really know if she is addicted to any harsher drugs i know she does harsher drugs on occassions. I am scared my love for her has died and i feel guilty for that because im committed to her and i feel like im supposed to do everything i can to do good by her and spend my life with her. at this point i don't think it is possible under any circumstance for a relationship with her to work, i'm willing to try if she were to call me and tell me that she wanted to work on our relationship and she was willing to stop using drugs, partying, and go to marriage counseling, but i think the chances of that happening are the same as me hitting the lottery in all 50 states without buying a ticket.

Hi,<P>Have you read the Plan A and B stuff? Look for this on the home page if not, as it may guide you somewhat.<P>Nina.

thanx again nina i read the plan a and b stuff now but i don't see how it applies to my situation since possible infidelity is just one of my marriages many problems, also i think it would be sort of impossible to implement plan a since im on a court ordered plan b huh?

joconnor,<P>I saw your post on another thread so I came here for your story. <P>About the assault, well, you know you were wrong about that. Right? OK, we all do things when we are angry and upset that we regret later. The thing is what to do later. I can't advise you on what you can stand. The drugs and boyfriend I know are causeing you serious pain and the possibility of abortion is terrifying. Still, that doesn't justify what you did.<P>First thing (in my opinion) you need to do is recognize that your wife is a free person - she can make all the mistakes she wants. It is not your role in life to keep her from doing stupid things. On the other hand, there are occations in which what is called "an intervention" is neccesary. But, whacking you w on the head and dragging her to the car is ... um... unhelpful to the spirit of marital accord. You knew that already, so I'll leave it at that.<P>Do you have any mutual friends who see things from your perspective - and who might have some influence on your wife?<P>If you don't want a divorce, then don't file for one. That's simple. You can still cancel it. Maybe the separation is a good thing. You say "plan a" is not appropriate sinced you don't think there is an affair. Sometimes it still might be appropriate - maybe you could say she is having an affair with drugs - if not with a man - but there IS this man - her "friend". Don't fool yourself about him.<P>It sounds to me like you have been a controling husband. Sorry to put it so bluntly, but again I say, you have to accept that you wife is a free person. I suggest you read "Love must be tough", by James Dobson. Also, read "Boundaries" or "Boundaries in Marriage" both by Cloud and Townsend. Go to an al-anon meeting. Even though al-anon is target at the spouses of alcoholics, the same principles will apply in the case of drug problems. They will teach you how to not be an "enabler" of your wife's additions. <P>Right now, you are under this restraining order. I believe that if you cancel your divorce filing (or put it on hold), and become a "good boy" for awhile, that restraining order might go away - and your wife might come around to you a little. If you don't want a divorce (as you say), you might still be able to save your marriage.<P>You will discover that you must change in some ways. You cannot change your wife, you can only change YOU - and that is hard enough.<P>If you go back to the court, you might get visitation rights to the kids. I don't know, but maybe that is a start. But, by all means, leave the violence behind you - and don't try to control your wife. It won't work.<P>Get yourself some counseling - to put the violence behind you. The court will like that too.<P>Is there any reason you can't write her letters? Is that part of the court order?<P>-AD

yes the withstraining order prevents me from attempting to have any contact, i have been seeing a couselor for the last year to try and resolve these issues and my wife would not go to couseling with me, siting that it did not work for her and her first husband. I think your right about me being controlling, unfortunately i think that if some things about her don't change there is no way i can be with her. going out 5 nights a week and hanging out with her friends while i rushed home from work every night to see her and much to my disappointment 5 nights out of 7 she wouldn't be there because she was out partying. I guess i can bad mouth her all day and i can't change her, i really do understand that but im afraid that she will have to change for me to be happy with her, that is my delima. i love her and i want to be with her but the her i want doesn't party and use drugs. I thought that person was there when i married her.

Joconnor,<P>To begin with a morbid statistic: Did you know that the people most likely to die from an OD are people who use the hard drugs recreationally? That's what we learned from the social workers after my brother died. The reason is that they don't know what they're doing...does any druggie? But you know, too, that everyone starts off on hard drugs "occasionally", and I know from my friend's sister that they don't tell the truth. That girl has OD'd three times to my friend's knowledge, once in front of her own children. Lucky her, she survived. My brother didn't.<P>I am concerned about the drug issue around her child and during a pregnancy. Believe me she must be addicted. I gave up smoking cigarettes, drinking and coffee with all three pregnancies. I have an eight year old, so I know how perceptive they can be. My friend's sister lost her two children to child welfare. How would your wife feel about that? Not that you'll be able to tell her anything.<P>I guess I'm not helping much. I really want to say to you to back off, but I am fighting a battle here too, though not with drugs, and I know you just can't switch off. I repeat what I said in a previous post...LOOK AFTER YOU. You cannot be her keeper, and you won't stop her habits. TRY, try, try to distance yourself from this bad in her. <P>I agree that Plan A is a difficult one for you. Maybe already a Plan B letter would be in order. "I'm not going to communicate with you until you have finished with the drugs....etc" Look in GQII for egs. They talk about affairs, but you could substitute words, or add them.<P>I agree with the previous post, too whoever said that if you don't want a divorce, don't do it. But then you have to face the hard road ahead. Sometimes it's easier to walk away. When I found out about my H's affair, my friend who had been in a similar position, but had left, said that I was taking the harder road, because I chose to stay. Now look where it's got me - he left ME!!! B*****D!!! (But I'm still working on it - call me mad!)<P>Thinking of you,<P>Jacky<P>

Jackie,<P><BR> I appreciate your reply and advice. I don't know if i want a divorce, one day i do and one day i don't. Honestly i don't want to be with her, i love her and i wish things had worked but then i don't want to try to make them work. If she called and said she wanted to try i would go back partly because a part of me still wants to be with her, and mostly because i made a commitment that i believe i must honor. Im torn inside and sometimes i don't really know what i feel. some people here say i was controlling, my wife said the same thing and that i was possessive. I say i was jealous because i had reason to be(possessiveness) and i was trying to control her partying behavior. I know that doesn't mean that i'm right, but i know what the problems are, just seems i was the only one who was ever willing to try and do anything to resolve them throughout our marriage. Perhaps its mood-congruent memory, since im in a bad mood i can't remember the good times we had? Problem is all the good times happened before she cheated on me two weeks into our marriage and most of them were under the influence of psychodelic substances. Only good times after that were in the bedroom where my wife opened me up to a new understanding of pleasure. I felt close then, I think i lusted after her for that closeness within our marriage. Im very concerned with my own perception at this point, im wondering if everything was and is the way that i think. If i could feel so close to her in the bedroom even after all of the fights and problems, not the abortion we never got together after she mentioned that, i just think that it might be possible for us to feel that closeness in our relationship again like we did in the beginning. I knew something was still there although i only felt it behind closed doors. I appreciate the people who actually read what i have to say and those of you who reply to it. I could go on forever with all the problems my wife has, and i could go on forever with all the problems that i have. Doesnt seem to get me anywhere since im the only one that wants to talk about it. I'll stop here before this scares too many more people off from reading by sheer length.

you there Jackie?

Well....hi!<P>I posted on your other topic, just about five minutes ago. Hey y'know sex ain't the be-all and end-all of anything, and that's coming from a woman. Women TEND to feel more emotion with sex, they do it for love, but with your lady so spaced out, well....<P>Our sex life was GREAT, I really mean we clicked, but if that was all that mattered, why did my h leave? Even on the morning he was leaving he asked for once more, for old times sake...I turned him down. Why? Because I NEVER had before, and he was leaving me goddam it, what did he think??? I'm STILL glad I said no.<P>As for the controlling and jealous side of you, which you kinda admit is there....I had that too, in our early years. I had an intense relapse after his affair, who could blame me? I told him I forgave him after six months, because it was killing me not to. He is expecting trouble now...I KNOW he is waiting for me to ask him if he is with someone (which I strongly suspect) but I won't. He baits me with things he knows I detest, like being late or non-commital about arrangements, or being vague about his plans, and especially not putting time in with the kids. But do I bite? Only once in the four weeks he's been gone, and that was because of so obviously a lie, that I just HAD to at the time.<P>What I'm trying to say, is that Plan A is about finding out your X's likes and dislikes and DOING what they like and NOT DOING what they don't. PLEASE read up on this. She doesn't sound like she will tell you her emotional needs, so you will have to guess. STOP acting jealous for a start....oh you can still feel it but NEVER let it show. This approach makes them think, but it takes time. Someone wrote it takes about 4-6 weeks for them to notice changes, and more time after that to see that the changes are consistent. Are you willing?<P>You're lucky, you don't have a time limit. I do. I will have to move countries by December if nothing is resolved, my h knows this and at the moment is doing nothing either way. I suspect he expects me to blow up so it gives him a "good" excuse to end things...so I can be the bad guy and take his kids away from him. Well I am determined that I won't blow up but I WILL have to go; I will have no choice (visa problems).