Hey everyone...well for those of you who have been keeping up with my story--I haven't spoken to him for 2 weeks now....remember he changed his phone number. I haven't tried to find it, haven't called him at work or anything. I have been fine...I have been extremely busy focusing my energy on other things. Well I started training for a job as a ballroom dance instructor on Monday, and who is training me??? Wade's roomate!!!! Apparently, he came back about a week ago and is staying in Texas until February then he's moving back to NYC. Well, I played it really cool...I didn't even ask him anything about Wade at all. Well, today I receive a registered letter from him. The courts say that since he cant do the standard visitation he has to give me written 30 day notice when he's coming. It was really strange because the letter was so formal and cold. I guess because I'm sure he had to use it as documentation or something...still it was weird. Anyway I wrote him a letter and need advice as to whether I should send it. Basically all it said was that I received his letter and that its fine (he asked if he could have Cameron for an extra day)...at first I wanted to say no...my first reaction is always if I try to hurt him he will come to his senses...well it didn't take me long to realize how silly that was and that it would only make him hate me even more. Well, the letter basically just asked how he was doing and told him what me and the kids were up to...it's just nice thats all...I just don't know if its a good move since we havent talked or anything and the last time we did things were so bad....I have been depressed all day since I received that letter. Now that there is a date put to when he will be here I will just be anticipating it. Its like I'm okay as long as I dont have to see or think about him. Now don't get me wrong I want to see and talk to him, but under much better circumstances. I dont know if he has found someone else the last couple of weeks or what...I dont even want to know. I just dont know if I should send the letter or not. I am such a mess today....any advice?<p>Val

I don't know your situation but I think it only right that you acknowledge you got the letter and things are agreeable with you. Letting him know about the kids is ok, he should know whats going on if he has an intrest. You say what you feel needs said, but if you are not divorced yet, be careful what you put in writing.

we are already divorced...I dont think he expected an acknowledgement to his request...my question was whether the letter is appropriate as far as trying to establish some contact...i still very much want to be with him

<p>[ January 20, 2002: Message edited by: MMMMM ]</p>

Okay...its been twenty something days since we've talked. I still don't know his phone number. I have been concentrating on me and the kids and everything is fine...until I start to think about him. I wake up with nightmares of him being happy with someone else. I have been asked out by several guys, but no one interests me...I'm usually very picky anyway. I keep thinking about if I found someone else, but I dont think I will, I don't even want to...its like nothing will ever be as sweet...I mean, Wade and I did everything there is to possibly do for the first times together...thats what made it special...everything else will just be like the same think different person...I definitely don't want anyone else...I dont know if he is seeing anyone in NY, and to tell you the truth, I don't want to know....I don't think I could handle it. Meanwhile, daily I am not so much happy, but content...I have been spending time with my children and friends, but as far as my love life goes its just like a void...its like if I dont have one with him then I wont have one. I'm much better accepting that than thinking about having one with someone else. I don't know how I'm going to handle seeing him when he gets Cameron on Jan 16...especially if we haven't talked since then. I sent him a photo Christmas card of me and the kids, but he probably wont get it until Saturday. Anyone have anyone input? Thanks<p>Val

Hi...<p>I feel like I have to post to you due to the things that have happen very recently with me.<p>I think at this stage the best thing you can do for yourself is not to call him... and if he does call, keep it business...like about the kids etc. I would then immediately hang up. Don't wait to see if he's gonna say something or not...just hang up. <p>I had really what I thought set the boundaries with my ex-h... then low and behold, he calls and torn my scabs off my healing wounds...(I posted this whole story on the discussion board).. now what I think I've learned from all of this is that he had a lonely moment seeing another mans vehicle out in front of my house. Anyway, it really did something to me. I have had that hope flood back into my life. But, guess what??? he's back to business... his who*e sent my kids gifts for christmas...to my house and he is taking her back to our home state for the holidays. So here I am... torn again.<p>I know I rambled and all... but really.. keep to business... it protects you from more harmful stuff that they seem to be able to do to us.<p>About the relationships... just take it slow... I see a few men and I'm really friends with them. I tell them I'm not looking for any type of a relationship right now. I tell them right off, I have toooo much baggage. Its nice however to go to dinner and a movie... or a walk in the park a bike ride or whatever interests you. Its also nice to be noticed.<p>I guess as my pastor said to me... (and believe me, I'm not even close to being there) is that we need to be able to forgive them at some point and then let God do his work. By us being able to forgive them.... we can truly heal and find the peace that so many of us look/search for.
That when we keep allll this anger and bitterness in us... its like poison to us... I have to agree, that it only hurts us... It doesn't hurt the one that left us behind.<p>I heard this alot from people that have been where we are... yes, they are years down the road..but have been here.<p>Don't know if I helped you... just some thoughts I've had lately.<p>Blessings,
s

so what about people who do get back together? I mean, not that that's what I'm expecting to happen, but if he does try to talk to me and I keep pushing him away or keep "my boundaries" isn't that doing what I don't want? I love him soo much, and our marriage didn't break up because of someone else or over anything really except that he wasnt ready and we both had false expectations of a marriage. I'm not saying that you are wrong, I just really dont know...like I said, if I want to get back with him and feel that I always will, isn't pushing him away defeating the purpose simply to avoid "being hurt"?...you take the chance of being hurt no matter who you are in love with and no matter what stage you are in a relationship. If anyone understands where I'm coming from please let me know what you think....I keep getting advice from people like "you'll be okay, you'll find someone else" etc....well, I know I'll be okay, I AM okay. They think by saying I'll find someone else that will make me feel better, but it doesnt because I don't want to find someone else...and whether we ever get back together or not, I hope I never do because I will be soo disappointed that I could be so wrong about someone I feel so right with.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by winchet:
<strong>I wrote him a letter and need advice as to whether I should send it. Basically all it said was that I received his letter and that its fine (he asked if he could have Cameron for an extra day)...the letter basically just asked how he was doing and told him what me and the kids were up to...it's just nice thats all...I just don't know if its a good move since we havent talked or anything and the last time we did things were so bad....</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Hello, Val.
I will respond, but I'm sorry, I haven't read the rest of your story first. Probably I should have, but just "off the cuff" I would say your letter sounds just fine.<p>Since your last talk was basically anything BUT "nice" (your posts seems to say that), he's probably wondering, too, how his latest contact is going to go. If you would like to re-establish a relationship with him, then the thing to be doing now is attempting Plan A.<p>Keep your boundaries, etc., but I think "nice" correspondences back and forth is essential to show him your changes and that he could still be welcome in your world.<p>Good Luck!<p>God Bless,
Lupo

Hey I am soo depressed my kids just got back from Wade's parents house...they asked to have Cori (my daughter...his ex step) too....all of his family gave her presents...he mailed his to Cameron...she was really upset because she said Wade forgot about her. She said he gave some to Cameron and Madeline (his neice) and forgot about her...I am soo mad at him...I mean technically he has no reason to, but it just hurts me because she is hurt...I still have not talked to him...its been 27 days...I still don't know his number. His parents apprently called him today and he got to talk to CAmeron (he hadnt talked to him in just as long). I am trying my best to have a great Christmas for the kids, but its soo hard...things are soo different...All of Wades presents were from FAO Shwartz and Toys R Us in Times Square...its like he made it a point to show off that he bought Cameron all these cool presents that I couldn't get here...like thats supposed to make up for the fact that he isn't here or something...I am soo upset...I feel like my presents aren't good enough..eventhough I got him exactly what he wanted and i doubt he even knows the difference between toy stores. Okay i have been holding up really strong...until now...I miss him yet I am soo angry at the same time.

Val,
Do you have God in your life? If so, where is he on your list of priorities? He needs to come first. The bible says if you put God first, he will tend to your EVERY need. I am really trying hard to do this for the first time in my life (I'm almost 41). I've spent the last 10 months trying (or so I thought) to save my marriage. My H is now having NONE of it. We are selling our house, divorcing (I can't talk him out of it) and moving to separate apartments. Put your trust and hope in God. I have found that nothing I try has worked and that I still have a LOT of things in ME to look at. I know your H did not have an affair, so our stories are a little different, but I have been focusing mostly on what my H has been doing to destroy our marriage and family. It's gotten me nowhere. When you have children, you will HAVE to continue to communicate with your XH. Make it as good as possible for the kids' sake. Today is Christmas. I should be rejoicing about Jesus' birth. Instead, my focus has been on the fact that it's our last Christmas together. Ask God to help you and guide you each and every day of your life. He has plans to prosper you and bring you JOY. We sometimes have to face deep valleys to grow.<p>Take care and ask God for guidance. He'll never let you down!<p>PEACE<p>MOM