I discovered my WH in adultery one and a half years ago. We have been separated ever since. He had totally deceived me and everyone else for years; successfully pretending he was the opposite kind of person...<p>Something cliked off in my brain that night...I knew he could NEVER be trusted again...<p>I had loved this man with all my heart for 17 years; I hopefully listened to him for six more months... In horror I listened to his false excuses, false apologies, false explanations... He NEVER stopped lying...it was now obvious that his ONLY concern was damage control to his wounded ego, so he could advance his own beloved; himself. <p>We couldn't even do plan A, because NOW he says, "His private life is none of my business... He already said he was sorry and he'll never do it again; married people have a right to their privacy... He doesn't have to account to me for anything... He is not perfect... His sins are between him & God; they belong to him; they are none of my business; I am not entitled to know his sins...He will decide if his actions are harmful to the marraige; if he does anything else to harm the marriage he will let me know; You just have to TRUST me!. <p>He explicitly lied to everyone all these years saying he believed in complete openness and honesty in marrriage... after he got busted, he is cornered in his deceit. His stated values were completely fake. <p> He lied for 17 years; he 'aint gonna stop now! The deception and evasion continues to this day.<p>He wants me to just let him come home, and accept him the way he is... a puppet husband.<p>I am unable to survive in a nauseating WH defintion of "marriage". He makes me sick to my stomach. He is not the man I thought I married. He is a stranger that looks like my husband. The image husband WH pretended to be never existed. <p>He filed for Divorce... It is almost final... I am terribly disappointed that he won't honor an honest commitment to me even now. But I am relieved. My conscience is clear because I clung to God's grace and His Word...I was obedient to God's holy will to the best of my ability. I remain faithful to WH; I still love, honor, and am true to him until I die; or until an annulment. <p> I was transparent with him... I am the same person on the inside and out. All those years I innocently told my husband every thought and feeling I ever had. With honesty, I shared my entire vulnerable inner self with him... good and bad... scary and sad.<p>I trustingly believed that because I was honest about my intentions, that he was too......<p>I had absolutely NO clue that people could be so dishonest, yet look so normal and good. I was the perfect wife for a deceiver... sincere and trusting. Reading these posts on MB's scares me to death...because so many people here lied themselves into marriage and withhold the truth from their spouse for years when they really permit deception and promiscuity as an acceptable way of life.<p> Until I develop a "screening radar" for honesty and monogamy... I plan on remaining a single parent indefinitely. Jesus can be my spouse, He can satisfy my deepest longings, and I can trust in Him... <p>I grew up with no adultery. Zero tolerance. Even the men relatives thought infidelity/deception was so sickening and low-life, like eating sh*t. <p>So, my entire family now hates my "slime of the earth" WH... Something died in me immediately, too, that split second I was slapped with the serious depth of his chronic lying...<p>Nothing ...nothing can make WH have an honest relationship with anyone...All I know is that I will not live under his inhuman terms, not even for one day.<p>The fundamental decision to not tolerate this non-marriage happened in an instant that night I caught him in his lie... Even though I remain faithful to my marriage vows, I will not live in a sick relationship with him...The love and the kids and the money details take longer to resolve.<p>I made a permanent decision to marry one person for a whole lifetime, and I really meant it... Marriage is irrevocably true and exclusive always...No exceptions... No lies...<p>One isolated "accidental" act of adultery...is maaaayybe humanly conceivable; forgivable and livable... Two acts of infidelity or deceptive betrayal...The bond is broken..It's over; forgivable but not livable.<p>He knew this before we married because I told him; I wouldn't commit or tolerate any adultery. I would only freely give the total gift of myself to someone who would mutually promise the same. I gave my best love until it hurt...I honored my promise to him. I never betrayed the vow; I was just not good enough for him; no one is.<p>I believe in 100% loving committment for life. Jesus taught me that when I promise love it is total... One man gets ALL my love and ALL my body and ALL my life, forever. <p>Does anyone else really believe and live this way, too?<p>[ April 01, 2002: Message edited by: Voice of Reason ]</p>

I believe in 100% loving committment for life. Jesus taught me that when I promise love it is total... One man gets ALL my love and ALL my body and ALL my life, forever. <p>Does anyone else really believe and live this way, too?<p>Yes, believe in what you put above, reading your story made me cry! I have never been un-faithful to my husband or wanted too for that matter, although I nearly did the other night because I was so hurt (I am ashamed of myself for that). My husband cheeted on me after I had my son who is now 11yrs, I was so hurt I felt like dying. I think that is where a lot of problems in my marriage stem from, I have forgiven him.......but trusting is another matter. If you read what else I have put, he plans to have a woman come to stay from the USA and if he does and she is willing he will commit adultry again, and that will kill me. To my knowledge he has only been un-faithful once, but he thinks now cos we are seperated it is not wrong. I would love to support you in some way, your story is sad like mine, maybe we can help each other.

Your post really spoke to me, I guess because I could've written it myself. It is still extremely difficult for me to believe the man my H turned out to be. Like you, I cannot understand his actions because I would never dream of doing them. Call me naive, call me innocent, but I just couldn't believe he would break the marriage bond and then lie with such finesse. The deceit that he is capable of goes beyond anything I've ever seen. I can only conclude that he is deceived by the devil as well. <p>I too believe that marriage is forever. I realized after the affair discovery and his consequent wavering between OW and I that I no longer wanted to be married to this man. But it wasn't a choice not to be, because I made the vow too. So I gave everything I had to fight for my marriage and family. I did what I believe God asked me to do, and I will never ever regret that. And I do feel relief that I am no longer tied to this man, although we do have three very young children that require me to have to have contact with him. <p>I doubt I will marry again, even though I am currently going through the annulment process. If I couldn't trust my own husband, who promised to love me for the rest of my life, how can I trust anyone else? <p>Thank goodness for God, who has helped me so immensely through these last 18 months. If he is for me, who can be against me! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] Thank you for writing what you did in such an eloquent way.<p>WhoamInow (Krista)

Voice of Reason,<p>Your post rings out in my heart. Even though I am the WS. I agree with all that you have said. Love and marriage is forever! I believe t5hat love can trimuph over all obsticles - because God says it - it is so. <p>However, as humans we cannot continue to sbelive that we are perfect and without flaws. Indeed, it makes existence that much harder the more we know about how we should be - but cannot because of our flawed human existence. For me ... this is so. So, many time I have wanted to take back thing I have done - but cannot. <p>I think God's first rule of love - is to love yourself. For without the ability to do this - how can one love - or let themselves be loved, by another.<p>At the root of this is that despite our values and beliefs - we make mistakes, poor judgements. We fall - it is our destiny as humans according to God. However, our gift is that we can learn from our mistakes. Often it is our emotions that cause us to learn from them. The pain is too great. I have made many mistakes - the biggest being to have had an affair and to have lied to me wife. If I could only tell you how many time I have dammed myself for that action...I'd be buring right now. Unfortunatly, my lesson about fidelity includes potential loss of my wife - who seeks not a reconciliation. Hard is life and the lesson we must learn. <p>However, I believe that we are all in this thing called life together - and that we should share love with each other while we are here and offer support all ways we can. <p>P.S.
Your answers to my post blew my away! It is like you have been here! I think our situations have been linked in some way. I have left a response for you on the following link - I'd appreciate your response to it: <p>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=34&t=005973<p>Thanks - stay strong - and keep writing!
David

Unbelievable,
you sound like me two yrs ago, a yr ago, now.
I am not religious one what makes life harder.
I realy believe in "one man in the life" "one love in the life". I realy believe that my ex will one day want to come back in spite of the fact he has a baby a wife a family.
I have nothing.
I met a man recently, a man who treated me like my never did (I realized that now). That is so good feeling but deep in my heart I know that nothing serious can happen with him cause I still love my ex.
I want to fall in love with someone else, I wish it can happen, I know I deserve a bit of happiness in my life also, but still don't know how to forget my ex. I forgave him even the baby, the new marriage. I am aware that nothing can ever be between us but.....
You wrote everything I couldn't among other reasons cause english is my second language.
I wish you happiness I wish your H realizes what he did and came to his mind.
Love to you

Voice of Reason - Amen and Ditto, etc. I, too, intended to be married for life, married in the Catholic Church, and have been separated for almost 6 years, divorced for 3. I have been completely celibate since he left - actually since before that, because he refused to touch me for long stretches during our marriage. My marriage was basically celibate for so long, that being celibate now is really no different, except for the emotional pain of living with someone who refused to participate in the marriage is now gone. But I continued to love him and try to make the marriage work, even in the face of his neglect, mental/emotional abuse and emotional coldness. I'm with you, Krista - I feel as though if I couldn't trust the person I spent almost half my life with, who can I trust? This has shaken me to the core of my being. I realize, now that I am past the shock and pain, how demoralized I had been by his treatment of me. I thought my H was a kind, caring man, someone I could trust. He seemed to be, when we first met and got married. But he was either not what he seemed and kept that fact hidden or gradually over the years became more and more selfish and deceitful and again, hid it and hid his lack of love for me from me. When I would contront him about his bad behavior, he would improve for a while, just enough for me to have hope and see the man I wanted to believe he was. But he lied to me for a long time about his feelings. He finally, after 19 years together (married for 17) had an affair and walked out with no regard for my well-being in any way. He has since married the OW. I can't prove it, but there was another suspected PA that I know for a fact that was at least an EA. He had probably been shopping for my replacement for a long time.<p>I, too, plan to apply for an annulment. I can't imagine being with anyone else again, or being married again. I would like to have the annulment for my peace of mind, to finally put closure to this whole ugly ordeal. I finally have peace again in my life. I really don't think that there was anything I could have done that would have changed the outcome. He was so determined to end our life together and so self-righteous about his "right" to walk away. If he has any regrets, he has not shown them in any way.<p>Even after all this time, I have trouble believing that people can be so cold, cruel and calculating, with no remorse for the pain that they have caused.<p>Esquire - you are to be commended. Yes, humans make mistakes and you have admitted yours and taken responsibility, more than the rest of us who have posted in this thread can say for our husbands and ex-husbands. This is what makes all the difference. If my H had shown some remorse, cared about me even as one decent human being cares for another, and taken responsibility for his actions, we could have repaired our marriage, or at least we could have parted without such pain and suffering. He took the easy way out, and continues to make excuses for his actions.

Thank you all for responding with such dear love!<p>It is true! There are other single-hearted spurned lovers in this world! It feels so good to know about you! My friends have committed lifelong marriages; they aren't in agony... The faithful couples wouldn't be answering a post like this on a Divorce Discussion Board!<p>Why were we jilted?... Why did my technology stocks crash?... Why did my friend's innocent two-year-old son drown in a lake yesterday at a family Easter gathering with everyone nearby? (on life-support/brain dead?--will he live?) <p>I am not going to take any blame for WH's choices... And I refuse to feel a guilty responsibility for choosing him. He seemed perfectly wonderful and solid at the time...<p> Just like sterling Enron Corp. before it collapsed in fraudulent ruins on the market... Just like I don't feel guilty for losing $$ on my industry giant Broadwing stock investments... Even with thorough research, who can foretell the future?<p>I am not omnipotent Almighty God; nope, cannot read anyone's mind; can't predict their future sins; can't tell what tomorrow will bring; and certainly am not the master of my destiny...or in charge of my fate...or able to explain untimely death.<p>Today and everyday I am ONLY responsible for my own choices and the actions I choose to do or not do... <p>I choose to esteem marriage as a most holy sacrament and sacred institution divinely instituted by God Himself for our benefit. He created us for Love, we need love, and our hearts are restless until they rest in Him... in His Love. But until we arrive in heaven where perfect love exists, imperfect human marriage is the only other place on earth we can image the loving personal union we will have with God later... <p>Looks like I'll be waiting a long time for fireworks!...<p>Please pray for the life of baby J.P. today.<p>[ April 01, 2002: Message edited by: Voice of Reason ]</p>

VoR: "One isolated "accidental" act of adultery...is maaaayybe humanly conceivable; forgivable and livable... "<p>What exactly is this? Like being a little bit pregnant, in my view. An A is an A, pure and simple. No minimizing the impact. Sure, some A's are easier to overcome than others (short ONS's versus long-term EA/PAs, for example), but they're all still As.<p>I find the posts to this thread both refreshing and sad. Refreshing that there are other people out there that believe that M is for life, but sad that many can't seem to, or don't want to move on to other close relationships because of this belief, even if their M has ended for good. You are worth it, and because of your strong commitments to the concepts of M, you can really be a great companion to someone out there that may need someone like you.<p>I am an atheist, but I still believe very strongly in M. My WW is "coming around" so far as I can tell, and may hopefully start working seriously on our M, rather than "taking it a day at a time" to see what happens. If it works out, and I'm hopeful that it will, maybe I really will get to look back in my later years with pride and love and say that I did manage to stay M to the same woman most of my life. Gosh, I sure hope so. When it works, it's so rewarding. <p>good luck to all of you

[QUOTE]Originally posted by 2long:<p>[QB]VoR: "One isolated "accidental" act of adultery...is maaaayybe humanly conceivable; forgivable and livable... "<p>What exactly is this? Like being a little bit pregnant, in my view. An A is an A, pure and simple. No minimizing the impact. Sure, some A's are easier to overcome than others (short ONS's versus long-term EA/PAs, for example), but they're all still As."
_________<p>2long,<p>Good point... What I meant by one act of adultery was a single one-time "accident of passion"; a completely unplanned out-of-character spur-of-the moment transgression; possibly involving alcohol or an unusual circumstance. <p>There was one time in 17 years of marriage where I innocently found myself in a very dangerous set-up for an "accidental", "unintentional" single act of adultery. Thank God I had the "street-smarts" to recognize the opportune circumstance as an occasion of irresistable passion... So I made a hasty retreat, and ran for cover. I narrowly avoided a one-time illicit sexual encounter.<p>Twice a year we opened our family home for out-of-town over-night groups of college students who needed lodging while in town for the educational conventions which we sponsored. This arrrangement was always fun for us and cost-saving for the students. <p>But one time, a very talented, impressive, gorgeous young priest-in-training came alone. He was a gifted conversationalist and prayer leader, joining us for two of my homemade meals. After dinnr, my H went up to bed early, leaving me alone to clean-up with our guest and make up this guy's bed late at night... <p>He & I were all alone washing dishes at 11:30pm when the sudden unexpected, unspoken sexual attraction between us was so thick you could cut it with a knife...It came "out of the blue"... It was involuntary... I felt "weak in the knees" like I was going to succumb in passion right there in the kitchen while my H lay asleep upstairs with all our kids in their beds!!<p>I literally started to tremble with desire and slowly backed away from him and positioned myself with the kitchen island between us... I could tell by his eyes that he was yearning for me to stay... But we were both afraid, and he didn't try to stop me from leaving ... I didn't even finish the dishes or make up his bed... that would have been our downfall for sure... I ran upstairs and slid in real close to my H in our marrriage bed where I belonged!<p>The dashing young gentleman was packed and gone in the morning, so I never saw him again... But, I did receive a friendly note several years later with an update on his life as a young priest. <p>I think he respected me for not taking advantage of an emotionally vulnerable younger man on the verge of embarking on a no-looking-back lifetime vow of celibacy...<p>Years later, I learned that my H was having a secret affair during that time, leaving me sexually lonely, unprotected with a stranger, and vulnerable, too...<p>It didn't happen...we were strong in virtue...But I know how humanly possible it could have been...just one time...<p>[ April 02, 2002: Message edited by: Voice of Reason ]</p>

VoR:<p>Interesting story! Good for you for resisting the temptation, too. My W gave in to the temptation with OM when they were both drunk and vulnerable. I never heard about it, other than to hear she was "in trouble" before it happened, but not enough detail to do anything about it. As it has turned out, both PAs, the first 11 years ago and the second ending last year, happened without my knowledge, though I knew they were good "friends." If I had known, maybe I could have done something 11 years ago.<p>Now I will try to rebuild the best I can. But if the attachment to him is too strong for her to give up the "friendship" - really still an EA, then I will have to give up the M. I am optimistic, though, even though it might not sound like it. It really hasn't been long enough since D-day for me, I guess.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by 2long:
<strong>I find the posts to this thread both refreshing and sad. Refreshing that there are other people out there that believe that M is for life, but sad that many can't seem to, or don't want to move on to other close relationships because of this belief, even if their M has ended for good. You are worth it, and because of your strong commitments to the concepts of M, you can really be a great companion to someone out there that may need someone like you.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>What exactly is this? Like being a little bit married, in my view. [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>The sad irony is that I could only "move on" to another relationship by abandoning the values that qualify me to be a "great companion". Would I make a great husband? Yes. But I already am a great husband, and if I repudiated my marriage I would be demonstrating that my word can no longer be trusted.<p>I believe in marriage "for as long as we both shall live". When my wife deserted me, I wasn't sure whether I would still consider my marriage vows to be valid if my wife were to get married again to someone else. But subsequent thought and soul-searching has led me to conclude that even in such a circumstance I will not consider myself to be "free". As long as I continue to love my wife "as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her" (Ephesians 5:25), I cannot love another woman in the same way. And while some Scriptural passages permit divorce for grounds such as adultery, that permission seems to be a concession to "the hardness of your hearts" (Matthew 19:8), and not because it is what God really prefers. And it is not at all clear from Scripture that even after a divorce, remarriage is permitted while the (ex-)spouse still lives.<p>I believe that "true" love is unconditional, or it is not truly "love" at all. If my wife's actions could cause me to stop loving her, then my love is conditional, and was never real. (I don't think I'm contradicting Harley here, since his "love bank" concept is about feelings rather than the agape love described in I Corinthians 13, which I think can be appreciated by non-Christians as well as Christians.)<p>To a large extent, love is a choice. What I choose, I can also un-choose; but both the choosing and the un-choosing come with price tags attached. In my case, to un-choose love would mean abandoning my belief in love itself: for if I refuse the call to love, or if I myself am not capable of truly loving - even with God's help - how could I really believe anyone else would or could do what I did not?<p>I have already been betrayed by those nearest to my heart. If I then betray myself, what hope is left to me?<p>Whatever I do, wherever I go, I must live with myself. I want to live with someone I can respect and trust.<p>The price for choosing love may be high, but the price for un-choosing love is higher.<p>Perhaps I would think or feel differently if I believed that my wife had been deceiving me for the entire length of our relationship. But frankly, I have a hard time imagining myself into those shoes. All the evidence available to me indicates that my wife is the person I always believed her to be, except that the reservoir of pain she had kept buried within her was larger than I knew. I believe I know why she did what she did, and I believe I know something of the price she is now paying.<p>What she has done (and is doing) to me is as nothing compared to what she is doing to herself, and nothing causes me more grief than that knowledge.<p>I am always a little amused at advice to "move on" or "let go", because no one ever seems to be able to explain just what that means or how you are supposed to do it. I have "moved on" in the sense that I am pursuing my own interests and living my life according to my personal values. I have "let go" in the sense that I am not trying to "fix" my wife or my marriage. (That's in God's hands now. And my wife's.) But the pain is still with me as much as ever. Is that what I'm supposed to let go of?<p>I could try to forget my wife and our time together. Is it worth throwing away some of my most precious memories in order to alleviate my pain? That doesn't seem like a good trade-off to me.<p>Or I could cultivate hatred for my wife, but hate is always self-destructive.<p>No, if the grief and pain die a natural death, so be it; but whether that happens or not, I will continue to find joy in knowing that by God's grace I am the man I want to be.<p>I am faithful.

Dear Gnome,<p>You are faithful! How I admire and respect you for your faithful masculine love. Good and faithful servant, your reward shall be great, now and later in heaven. Thank you so much for showing us a true man of honor, joyfully bound by his conscience in Christ.<p>WhoamInow, faith-hope-love, betrayed-and-desperate, and Lady M,<p>You are faithful, too! You bring me feminine sisterly comfort.... Eloquent discussion? Healing discussion? Respectable discussion? Sharing our common humanity? We are made for love... Right? We can really love each other in a dignified, agape way,... Eloquently!<p>Anyone wishing eloquent discusson to explore scriptural support for this choice, can reach me at: <p> voiceofreason02@hotmail.com<p>P.S. I did tell my H the next day about the "close call". I said, "Please, don't ever leave me alone again at night with a sexy young seminarian." <p> He smiled ...He always said I was his moral rock... Invincible... <p> Little did I know he was also smiling because he was getting away scot-free with drilling his sexy young secretaries; and thought it was so funny that I was limiting myself to marital sex with him, while he was "having his harem cake and eating it, too". <p> I even think he got a rush out of hearing when other powerful men felt I was sexy and desirable; like the gloating king owning a stable full of prime thoroughbred sex fillies.<p>But, I didn't realize this was another tiny cavalier failure to protect me that gradually, imperceptibly over the next 6 years would escalate into degrading abuse and divorce.<p>How I blindly admired him for all those years... He was definitely getting his #1 emotional need met by me! Admiration. But narcissists are insatiable.<p>I need Someone Real to admire!<p>[ April 02, 2002: Message edited by: Voice of Reason ]</p>

GDP: <p>"What exactly is this? Like being a little bit married, in my view. "<p>Touche!!! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>"I am always a little amused at advice to "move on" or "let go", because no one ever seems to be able to explain just what that means or how you are supposed to do it. I have "moved on" in the sense that I am pursuing my own interests and living my life according to my personal values. I have "let go" in the sense that I am not trying to "fix" my wife or my marriage. (That's in God's hands now. And my wife's.) But the pain is still with me as much as ever. Is that what I'm supposed to let go of?"<p>Sounds like a good deffinition of what *I* would describe as the moving on and letting go consisting of, except I no longer do the "God Stuff" (but I do respect those that do). I don't think letting go means let go of the pain, either. <p>"I could try to forget my wife and our time together. Is it worth throwing away some of my most precious memories in order to alleviate my pain? That doesn't seem like a good trade-off to me."<p>Absolutely not. I won't either, if we end up divorced. I have loved my W for far too long, and we've had far too much together. I just don't think that, if she clearly doesn't want our M for the rest of her life, that I should keep myself from sharing my intimacy with someone that would. I will always have the memories, and we will always have our family (which is all the more reason why I probably, simply, and in the final analysis just won't give up).<p>"Or I could cultivate hatred for my wife, but hate is always self-destructive."<p>Yes, it is. I don't hate anybody, not even the OM for what he's "taken" from our family.<p>"No, if the grief and pain die a natural death, so be it; but whether that happens or not, I will continue to find joy in knowing that by God's grace I am the man I want to be."<p>Good for you, really! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]