Yesterday I met with my attorney and filed for divorce. He says it should be finalized in 6 to 8 weeks if soon 2BX does not object too much. It felt kind of funny. I am not crying anymore. I have to be strong for my daughter. When we got married I thought it would be for life, but we are getting divorced after only 10 years. He was so verbally and emotionally abusive to me that I could not take it anymore. The straw that broke the camel's back was his trying to move us to another state without even talking to me first. For many years now I have been trying to come home as late as possible from work so that I don't see him very much. For many years I have felt emotionally neglected and unloved. I feel strange now but I am hopeful that the future will bring me and my daughter happiness.
Ruby

(((((((ruby)))))))

Hugs and prayers go out to you and your daughter.

God Bless,

D.

RUBY - I was a basket case, and cried so heavily when I signed the papers. Here is a hug (((hug))) for you and a ((hug)) for your daughter. Vent here, and get it out honey. LIfe is tough, and things might get tougher. I know, have been there and will probably get more tougher.

God is our protector, God is our light, God lights our path through the darkest times. I love him, and am trying to give it all to him. God Bless you RUBY!!!

Thanks for the encouraging replies. My daughter is really having a tough time. She is getting into arguments with her friends at school.She does not want to talk about the divorce at all. She is 6. What should I do? Should I try to talk to her or just not open the subject until she does. There is no Rainbows program in our area.
Ruby

((((((((((Ruby))))))))))

I was in a verbal/emotionally abusive marriage that ended after 12 years, we divorced when my girls were 11, 9, & 6. One of the hardest things to do as an adult is to allow all of our opinions go out the window and think like a 6 year old. It almost sounds like to me, without knowing any of your situation, that your 6yo has been overly exposed to either you or your soon2B’s opinion’s of one another and that she possibly knows more about the situation than a 6 yo should. Another thing that must be handled carefully is the validation of feeling and creating an environment that allows her to freely express those feelings.

One thing that I noticed, especially in the 1st couple of months of separation, was my children’s misbehavior at their mom’s house. It was like I had 6 girls instead of 3 because they never acted like that at my house. Granted in my situation, I am more of the “MOM” figure and my masculine X was more of the stereo-typical father. Anyway, since our rules were the same it took me a little while to fully understand why they acted that way at her house or for the same matter at school.

1. Bad-Talking: My X rarely trash talked me to the kids, however, she did trash talk and discuss the details of the divorce on the phone while the kids could hear. Children want nothing more than to love and idolize their parents, especially the young ones. When they hear someone, especially the other parent, being dis-respectful about the other parent how does that make them feel. Well, of course it build resentment and they are put in the position to “choose” who’s “better”, not something a young one should have to do. Secondly, it begins to close the line of communication because they begin to feel that they can’t talk to you about the other parent.

2. Validation of Feelings: Again my case is different because I was always the one who the girls talked too about these matters anyway but if they tried to get their mom to talk to them about me or how they felt about the divorce then she would shut them down. Now you can see that the kids are starting to eternalize feelings which is not healthy. Communication lines are closing farther and ½ the time they are not getting their emotional feelings validated by an adult they love.

As you can see, these things building up inside a child have to be let out somewhere and a child’s way of expression is normally disruption. Again, don’t know anything about your story just pointing out some things that I witnessed. Bottom line is that child wants, needs, and deserves to love both of her parents unconditionally. When we as parents interfere with that then we are doing them a terrible injustice.

Hugs, Thoughts, & Prayers

Losthusband
You are right, she has been exposed to our feelings for each other which cannot be described as positive. My stbx has apparently been badmouthing me to her. He went as far as telling her that she would be better off in another school in the state he'll be moving to and my father will kidnap her and I cannot take care of her. My daughter asked me if all of this was true today and of course I said no. I keep telling her that stbx and I love her very much and she will not be losing either one of us because of the divorce. I have assured her that her grandfather will not kidnap her either. I don't know what to do. How could someone knowingly hurt their child to get back at their spouse? Sometimes I wish stbx would just disappear but I don't think I am that lucky.

Ruby, dropping you a {{{ruby1}}} hug because I feel for you. I am in a similar situation with my D's they are very upset over divorce.

The best approach is to be open and honest and confirm the truth to them. Otherwise they worry. I also made the step recently of getting them some therapy and whilst I cannot really afford it at this time I think it will really help.

I saw a different side to them that needs to be worked on if they are to get thru this with as little pain as possible.

I too today feel strange as my DV is moving ahead in part today. It feels bad, numbing and sad at the same time, not wanted but a slow drudge towards the inevitable due to my situation. I am sure we are not alone in thinking this way. Neil.