ALSO,about the doing things different. These WS' think that we are always at home crying or see us pleading and wanting them back.

Sure we may, but life goes on. Changing your schedule a bit and maybe not answering the phone on the first ring or letting it go to vm doesn't suggest an affair. It does suggest that you are living. And not pining away.

What is unattractive is the BS sitting at home watiting for phone to ring and not out living their life. Who wants to come back to that? When you were dating did you do that? Nope. They had to woo you and work for it. I am saying he needs to work for it. He has alot of groundwork to lay. You've shown him how to come back and he knows you are willing to take him. Now let him show what he's made of.

Waiting game is hard. I had to do it. Did everything I could do. Wouldn't have changed a thing. My xH was determined to sleep about and live like a playboy. The wife and child didn't complete that lifestyle for him. Just like his new bmw, he wanted a newer and much much sleazier version of what he already had.

Be prepared for either outcomes. Pray and get ready. Strap in and make sure you make the roller coaster ups and downs be as small as possible. You being smart and not controlled by your emotions will help in this. Think rather than react. This is key. Staying focused is important so get busy with kids and doing other things. When you deal with this, deal with prayer and carefully deal with H when you speak with him. OW has nothing to lose. However, you and your H do.

stxw,

You requested prayers for your marriage. We are told in His word not to be surprised when we receive the answer. Is this an answer to prayer?
I don't know. I believe it could very well be ananswer to your prayers. Only God can answer this question. This is between you and God and the plans He has for you.

You are getting a lot of advise and a lot of names are being thrown around. For a Christian, there is only ONE person that can answer your questions or show you the path to take. Do not put your trust in man, your trust must be in the Lord. Sometimes it takes time for us to know His answer. Sometimes we don't like His answer or find it hard to do what He ask. My journey has taught me one thing, God is the only one to show me the way. If I follow anyone elses advise, I will fail. Yes, God does speak thru others, but ask God to confirm anything you believe to be from God. God never fails.

I will pray for you to be able to discern what God wants you to say or do. Seek Him in all things.

gentle

<small>[ June 30, 2003, 02:08 PM: Message edited by: gentle ]</small>

Well when he said he wanted to work things out and that he was serious and not lying, I thought this would be soon.

It's been 4 days since he seemed to want to work things out.

I'm praying that he was serious about wanting to work it out!

What can I do but, go on with this divorce and life.

His words don't mean much to me. I want him to do something about it. The sooner the better.

I feel stronger than ever and have some satisfaction knowing that he's having doubts about his relationship with the OW and wanting to come back to the marriage.

I really don't know what he's thinking. Or what is taking him so long to leave. I feel like he's afraid to leave the OW.

In my heart I know it will happen, he'll leave her, just want it to happen now. I'm trying to be very patient!

I always said to myself "he'll be back". And I know in my heart he'll be back. I have faith that God will make it happen.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

No update guys!

Nothing's changed, nothing's happened.
I wonder what's going on in my WH relationship with the OW. I wonder if he's told her anything about his doubts or him wanting to return to the marriage as he said.

Probably not.

Well life goes on. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

While it's important to have faith, I do not argue this, it is important to use your brain. God gives us brains to use not waste.

If I had just sat still and done absolutely nothing, I would have been run all over by my xH. My son and I would probably have nothing.

What is being advised is to combine your faith with good actions. Be pro active. You're waiting now. I'd say to give it a bit. Maybe let until a whole week passes then tell him if he's serious of leaving OW to show it through actions by moving out.

Let the seriousness of the courtroom hit him. Let it sink in a bit. And don't focus on it. Distract yourself and do other things with the kids.

Set a reasonable time limit. In the meanwhile, read Surviving and Affair and Love Must Be Tough.

Being a wallflower does nothing. It's boring anyway. Have a plan of action and stick to it. And that's that. You feel more in control when you have both faith and a plan of action.

I got my answer from my x and I know I did all I could do. God makes us free when our WS deliberately continue to hurt and are unrepentant with affairs or violence or lies. Divorce isn't the first choice to be sure, but only when all matters are exhausted and you see no end that it should be approached. And I know that there was no other recourse for me.

We'd love to see another success here. But you've got to be firm. Read the part about confrontation with WS in LMBT. You must be firm but loving.

I keep thinking
"What's going on in his head? What is he feeling? Will he leave her? Is she LB enough for him to leave her? Is he feeling that he REALLY wants his marriage back?"

I wish I knew what was going on, if anything is going on.

Can any WS tell me how they felt when they wanted to go back to their marriage and end it with the OW?

I keep thinking to myself, I think he really misses me and the kids. But then I think, he really doesn't want to let her go.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

<small>[ July 01, 2003, 02:25 PM: Message edited by: STBXWife ]</small>

I can't imagine how you feel. But I do know from reading on this site that the A is an addiction, like a drug, they can't leave. And also, that A's die a natural death 6 months of D-Day.

You are more focused on what he is thinking than what you want. I hope you have thought about your needs and those of your children. And working on the M should be a condition of return.

May God bless you and your family.

STBX,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I keep thinking "What's going on in his head? What is he feeling? Will he leave her? Is she LB enough for him to leave her? Is he feeling that he REALLY wants his marriage back?"</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">All of these are normal thoughts and unfortunately, the WS rarely gets answers to them. But his actions when they start coming will begin to tell you the answers to some of the questions.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Can any WS tell me how they felt when they wanted to go back to their marriage and end it with the OW?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">While I'm not a WS, I can tell you what my W told me as she was distancing herself from OM at work. She told me it was like having someone close to you die. and she mourned for her loss too. Hurt me like you wouldn't believe, to see her moping around because she couldn't spend time with him. Later she told me she didn't see what the attraction was, but it was like an addiction. She just had to keep spending time w/ him, even though she knew it was going to be harmful to our relationship.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I keep thinking to myself, I think he really misses me and the kids. But then I think, he really doesn't want to let her go.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You're probably right on both counts. He is torn between the two of you. However, your H has more invested in you than her. You need to (if you haven't already) figure out what needs the OW is meeting that you weren't, and do your best to meet them when you are in contact with him.

I hope, being armed with this information you will be able to recognize what is going on when you can't understand why he is acting differently than you would expect. He will struggle. That's expected. Just don't equate the struggle, with a lack of desire to work on the M. As a matter of fact, if you see the struggle, that's a sign of him wanting you, but he just needs help. When you see the struggle, pray for him and don't LB.

You're doing great. Later'z

S&C

STBXW

Following your story with interest because I too have a WS who doesn't seem to know what the heck he wants, his family or the OW <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Last call I recieved from him was four days ago also, have heard nothing since. He told me he was unhappy, how leaving for the OW was what he'd wanted four months back, but it's not what he wants now - he wants out and to come back home and work on our marriage he told me!!

I told him to come home, he said it wasn't that easy, he has to sort things out at that end firstly....??????

These guys are pretty confused I think! Best to give them some more time and space alone. They got themselves into this mess, only they can get out of it.

Hope all goes well for you anyway. Keeping my fingers crossed for the both of us <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Steadfast,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> You need to (if you haven't already) figure out what needs the OW is meeting that you weren't, and do your best to meet them when you are in contact with him. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">How do I meet his EN when I'm not having any contact with him. I mean, I told him that until he is committed 100% on the marriage and leaves the OW then we can start talking.

How do I meet those needs now if I'm not having any contact with him?

EdensSecret,
I also saw your post in the Plan A/B forum and you WH sounds just like my WH.

I know he's confused. I know he wants to come back and yes I am giving him his space and giving him time.

I have this feeling in my heart that he will leave her. I believe he's trying to find the right time to do it. I'm not saying that I like it one bit, but am trying to understand.

He once said that leaving me was hard to do. And I'm thinking that he's thinking the same thing about the OW.

I'm being as patient as possible about all this (w/o LB) and I have faith that he'll do it.

I will also have my fingers crossed for both of us. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

<small>[ July 01, 2003, 04:52 PM: Message edited by: STBXWife ]</small>

STBX,

I know you're not contacting your H. He is supposed to be contacting you to determine what he wants to do right? That is why I said to meet them "when" you are in contact with him. Because you will be at some point.

In the mean time, one need he will have is the need to feel safe when he's with you. And he needs to be prayed for. Both of which I'm sure you're doing or trying to do.

Like I said before I think you're doing a wonderful job. God Bless.

S&C

Well yesterday right before I left work a recieved a call for WH.

He said that he just wanted to thank me for letting him spend some time with our 4 mo. old daughter on Sunday.

My in-laws took both kids after church so that they can spend some time with them.

He said that he had a lot of fun with her and that she's beautiful.

I really didn't say much just listened to what he had to say.

Then he says this before we hung up:
"Well I guess I'll let you go, I wish I could talk to you longer but I can't. But maybe someday, I have your cell number. ok?"

I really don't know what he's thinking!!! Darn,
sometimes I wish that I didn't have to talk to him at all!!! Even about the kids, b/c then he says something that gets me thinking. ARRRGG!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

I hate this. I do really good when I don't talk to him then he calls says something that confuses the hell out of me then I start feeling down. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> I felt like crying on my way home after work just b/c of this stupid comment that he made which may not mean a thing. But I can't help thinking like this. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Sorry, just had to Vent!!!!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

You're dealing with exactly what I did. He was polite and nice when he was getting his way...And the IL's (I now call them the outlaws) enabled everything.

IL's will, btw, be good when it's in their best interest to be nice. Should things go south, IL's usually proceed south with the WS/child.

The comment from WH is fog. Please, please listen to either redhat or Orchid. They know fog talk. Think nothing of it. When they are wacky like this involved in the total addiction of the stupid affair, NOTHING THEY DO MAKES SENSE. When it's all said and done, they will be amazed what they did.

Can be sure that soon after dust settles, Jethro will be amazed at his destruction. One day he will.

But you can't keep allowing yourself this kind of torture. Do plan A and then go to b. You're at the end of the rope now. IT's a horrible place there.

And no, you cannot fill EN when they are withdrawing. They will not let you. You've got to protect yourself, your children and your emotions right now. Your kids need one stable and rational parent ok?

I am saying to not do anything b/c he will not respond. When they are withdrawing, it's like an addict. And when my xH did that, he returned to OW because he was NOT WILLING to go the extra mile for his family. His addiction to his self happiness was more important. They will waffle now like never before so YOU gotta stay firm. I allowed him to waffle. That was my one mistake. Ishould have been a thousand times tougher.

Please read those two books I told you about. Don't listen to his foggy words because even he doesn't know what he's saying.

But what he is doing is important right now. Look what he is doing. He is seeing child. Making NO promises of return. Making NO attempt at moving out from OW house. Look at actions. Not words. And soon, I believe a plan B should be coming. Actions have to have results. He has to know that his actions will yield negative results from you.

Being tough and applying tough love harshly some times has been what's saved some marriages. I wasn't tough enough. My only regret. I kept going back to a plan A after two failed plan B's in 2001 to early /mid 2002. But now I realize that I don't even think a plan A or B would have worked as my xH is one of the foggiest WS' ever.

Make a plan, get support here and stick to your guns. I used to try to think of things on this term: if you're tired of a waffler, then tell him he can have waffles only at the waffle house. I used to call MOnkeyho's place the Waffle House. Very appropriate.

Please do not set yourself up for anything right now. We don't know what he will do. That's why you need to place you and the kids in the drivers' seat and make some good changes in you. Learn how to not ride the rollercoaster.

What I discovered is that I had myself become addicted to riding his little rollercoaster along with him. Then one day I didn't want to ride anymore so I got off of it permanently. Save yourself time and tears by doing that too.

Take this time to work on you, if there are areas you want to improve in yourself then do it! If there are areas that would be improved in your attitude/personality/emotions, then work on that too. But you cannot work at a relationship when the other person isn't at a place where they are willing yet to do so.

He is addicted and is NOT YET IN REAL WITHDRAWAL NOR RECOVERY BECAUSE HE IS STILL LIVING AND SLEEPING WITH THE OW. Please know that. He will be totally irrational for some time. First thing to do...Encourage and only have contact with him if he is committing himself to total recovery of your marriage with one biggie provision: HE END IT WITH OW AND MOVE OUT.

That is the first thing. Until he does that then you do nothing except work on you. That's all you can do. He might, he might not do it. If then he ends things with OW, then you will have a seriously depressed fella living under your roof which will bring more confusion to you and moping. It will be a while until he's ready to work on the marriage. So take things only one step at a time.

1)make it clear you want as of now him to end it with ow and move out.

2)you work on you. focus not on the affair, but you and the kids only.

3)don't listen to him as he's waffling and is feeling heavy effects of the funky fog as I call it. Remember to only gauge progress as result of actions not words

Thanks peachy!!

I'm just so fustrated w/ HIM!!! I feel like he thinks I'll wait forever for him. I'm so tired of his BS!! I'm going on with my life. He's not a part of it anymore. Only when it has to do with the kids. I'm going on with the Divorce and he knows it.

His parents went through the same thing. His dad left his mom for OW. They divorced but his dad went back to his mom.

And he told me that day that we were in the court room. "If my parents did it then we can do it too."

But you know, he's not truely ready to work on the marriage and he's willing to get the divorce. AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> This is stupid. I'm pissed. I just wish that I didn't have to talk to him at all. I do so good when I don't have to talk to him!! I'm so mad. He's buying time with her. His words don't mean sh** to me!!! I want him to do something about it. Why say anything at all then? Does he expect me to wait for him till he's done having his fun?

I'm going on with my life! After this Divorce I'm leaving my parents house and getting a house of my own, me and the kids! I'm gonna go out and gonna go out on dates, you know why? B/C I'll be divorced. That's what divorced people do, right? I mean this is ridiculous. He's like wanting me to put my life on hold until he has the balls (sorry for the language) to leave her. I dont think so. He hasn't proved anything to me. Those words coming out of his mouth on thursday were nothing but words. There were no actions to back up his words!!!!

Sorry just MAD!!!!!!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

I know your frustrations....I was there. Been there dun that and have the t shirt.

But before you fully go ahead with the D, do a good plan B. Let him know he can either leave OW NOW or give a time limit (2 weeks) or you are forging ahead. And you stand firm.

And my xH told me the same thing. About 2 years ago he said he wished he could just play around for a few years until he wanted to come back.

No banana.

If he had that little God talk and changed his walk, then he will have to still wait in line...It's going to be a long one he will wait in. Good women are hard to come by.

Don't think about dating.

You're mad. DO NOT REACT WHEN YOU ARE MAD..PEOPLE DO STUPID STUFF WHEN THEY ARE MAD. Instead detach and focus on something else. Let him know that his words are empty...You need to see some action to know he wants this marriage.

And just like I guessed...PARENTS ARE HUGE ENABLERS...I MEAN YOUR IL'S DID THE SAME THING...NO WONDER THEY ARE SUPPORTIVE. They did the same damn thing. Just like my outlaws. He was cheating on her as short as 2 years ago....Many ow..WE TEACH PEOPLE HOW TO TREAT US...LOOK HOW YOUR H WAS TAUGHT.

STBXWife, I'm in the same boat as you know <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> I havn't heard from H for four days, (last saw him Saturday) and it doesn't appear that he is coming home either. All talk and no action it appears and acting like he never made those calls when he sees me.

To be honest I think that my H is calling me when he and OW have been fighting. Afterwards they make up and so everythings hunky dory between them again and he tosses me aside. But I'm sick to death of him thinking he can play with my feelings in this way and I'm putting a stop to it right now!! Next time he calls whining on with his pleas of ILY and telling me is unhappy, wants out of the situation with OW, he wants us to try again, etc.....he is politely gonna be told not to call me back again, I have nothing to say to him while he remains with her. He can call me when he's left her and then we will talk!

It isn't fair to raise our hopes of reconciliation when it's obvious they have no intentions of carrying it through, at least my H doesn't appear to have. It's no more than a form of abuse when one will play with anothers feelings in this way.

My H hasn't even bothered to show up for our daughter tonight when he'd said he was going too. No calls, no nothing to explain why he hasn't bothered to show either! Guess this week he has proved just how much he really cares for us and that is zilch!

Thanks peachy!

I know that I shouldn't date and I'm not even ready to date. I'm just so fustrated. I feel like screaming.

I'm just really hurt. He's said the things that I've wanted him to say but, he hasn't done anything about it. I feel like he's playing wiht my emotions. He knows exactly how I feel about wanting to work things out. And when he says that he wants to work things out, I feel like he's giving me hope. Then he does nothing to try to work things out and I feel like SH**!

I really wish that he would just snap out of it. He doesn't have a future with the OW, why stay in the relationship? He says it himself, their relationship is going no where.

Thanks for your support peachy and everyone else. You guys are my greatest support!!!

STBX,

You know Jethro has taken peachy`through the ringer more than once and he continues to pull her through again at a snail's pace. But, your H isn't Jethro. He may say some of the same stuff and act like him at times, but they aren't the same person.

At the risk of getting on her bad side, I'd like to ask you focus on the advice she gives and not what she says about Jethro.

Peachy is so right that your H is deep in the fog.

However, you don't know what he is thinking, so don't put thoughts in his head. Because the thoughts you will give him will pretty much be negitive.

You need to be clear about what you expect. Ask him about his plan to work on the M. Maybe you tell him that you expect him to move out by such and such a date (give him enough time to be able to do it but not much more). Then give him until that date and do something. You decide clearly what you will do if he doesn't. What ever it is remember you need to keep your credibility.

But most of all, take any advice you get from here, sit down with it and pray about it. See what might apply to your situation (not someone else's) and pray about it again before you do anything with it.

Just want to smooth out the rollercoaster ride a little for you and give you a little bit of control over it.

Bless you.

S&C

STWXW

Sometimes I wonder if our WS's make these calls/or tell us these things looking for reassurance from us that we still love him, would be prepared to reconcile if all fails with their OW's? Keeping us as a *safety net* in other words.

We could also look at this way. While our WS's KNOW now that we would have them back at the drop of a hat because we have reassured them of recent that we still love them, would be prepared to give them another chance - then they might be under the impression that they can play away for longer because they know our doors are open to them anytime they wish to return.....?????

Well little will my H realise, but the door closes one inch further everytime he messes with my feelings in this way and one of these days when he actually does find that he wants to come home, the door will have been slammed shut.

I think I did wrong in opening up to him the way I did last Thursday. I should've made him sweat over whether I still loved him or whether I'd have him back. Make them think for a change!

Oh well.....back to the drawing board I guess <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />