I feel the pain you're in. I'm so sorry that you're going through this. I KNOW how angry and hurt you must be. I won't waste time re-telling my story. If you like, you can read it posted under "EMA results in pregnacy of OW" It may be last one down or achived by now. But back to you. I know the pain you're going through. Let me just say this. IT WILL AND CAN GET BETTER. This may not mean much to you right now, but it will. You'll see. You're angry and hurt...and you should be. It's o.k. You have every right to and whatever feelings you're feeling, crazy, violent, hate, love, passion, etc...are ALL normal. It's a rollercoaster that you're going to be on for a while. But it's OK...you're NOT crazy and you're NOT the one who did this. Your H and OW are responsible. But YOU CAN GET OVER THIS and at least start to heal and feel better. For me, not denying that I was/am feeling all the "uglier" feelings was a step towards my healing. I embraced my emotions and gave into them, even if they made me feel sad. I had to realize that by "grieving" I was truely beginning to heal. Cry, scream, yell, cuss, fuss, whatever you must do. (with the exception of physically hurting anyone because then you'll have a new set of problems). It's all in the process of healing and starting to move on. I don't know what the situation is with your H. Don't know how he feels about OW or OC. I'll try to look back to see if you've posted earlier. But I hope that your H has committed to your marriage. I hope that you realize that this OW obviously gets sick pleasure out of making you hurt even more. It may not mean much now, but TRY not to let her have that kind of control in your life. She's had enough already...too much. If you're a spiritual woman, and I hope you are because it helps...then I say PRAY and ask God or guidance, strength and peace. HE will hear you. Take some deep, deep breaths and most of all, take care of you!! Post here often and read as much as you can stand. It all comes together for the good. I'm so sorry that you're hurt this way. We ALL know that painful devastation. Stay strong and focused. You're in my prayers.<P>Comfort<P><BR>P.S. I'll repeat what someone else mentioned earlier...please take your caps off. When you type with all caps, it means you're yelling at the person/people who read your message. Although we all know the feeling of wanting to yell at the world. Try typing without all caps, you'll feel calmer...try it.

Comfort<P>Thanks for your words of comfort. I was starting to believe i was going throw this mess a long. My h keep telling me he's sorry........ he keeps telling me he loves me. But why go out and risk losing your home your children over a few minutes of fun.<P>I keep asking myself why am i here????? The answer is i still love my husband.... I can't go down this road again. I don't want the ow in our lives now are future. The things she did to me were mean and intensional to hurt me. the ow and my h and myself all sat down and talk. what I wanted to know was the affair finally over. . I wanted it understood that there would be know more contact between them. My husband made it clear to her that he loved me and would do whatever it takes to save our marriage. <BR>The ow called my house later and told my children they had a little brother.<BR>All of my fears are coming ture. I want this lady out of our life. She admitted to me that even after a year she stills loves my husband...... what can i do about that. My h and i were doing so much better until this started up agin. i don't know if i can continue with this marriage. i feel so betrayed by everyone. i know he loves me....<BR>i gave this man every opportunity to go to this girl and start their life together and he didn't.Ifound out the other day he was going by after each pay period giving her money for the child. I don't mind about the money i don't want the contact between them.<BR>when he was late giving her money she came by our house looking for pamper money!!!!!!!<P>

Hurting...<P>The first thing I'd do is change my telephone number. The OW had no right to call and tell your children anything! That was wrong and selfish of her. Second, your H should NOT be sneaking around to her house to give her money. If he's going to give money for the child, then fine. But you should be fully aware of it and if possible, a part of it. Or, better yet, buy a money order and mail it to her house. I would NOT want my H alone with OW under ANY circumstances. His dropping by her house to give money is only asking for trouble. It could be interpreted by OW as a chance to have your H involved with her as well as the child. You say your H has committed to doing whatever it takes to make your marriage work. I would lay the ground rules by telling him that under no circumstances is he to see OW...especially without you being present. For him to continue doing that is only going to cause you more pain, mistrust and hurt. You've had enough of that already. I couldn't and wouldn't allow her to show up at my door asking for "pamper money". I would make certain that my H mailed the money off timely, especially if it meant keeping her away from our home and children. Don't give her any reason to interfare in your lives any more than she already has. You two have got to be on the same page about how to handle this situation. If you're not, it won't work. The sneaking around is only going to cause more problems. That's what our husband's did in the first place and why we're all on this board. Enough sneaking...enough secrecy. There's absolutely nothing you can do about the fact that OW claims to still love your h. You can't change her feelings about your H. You can only focus on how you and your H are going to make it through this together, if you've BOTH decided to do this. OW feelings aren't important and shouldn't be. Remember, she wasn't thinking about you when she slept with your H. To hell with her feelings of love for your H...she'll either continue to fantasize about what she doesnt' have or either get over it and move on. Either way, it's out of your hands. You focus on you and your family. You CAN control her behavior if it becomes a threat to you and your family. If you ever feel physically threatened by her you can get a restraining order to keep her away from your home. This would also eliminate her "pamper calls". Paying the child support is one thing...being harrassed is something else. Most importantly, you and your H keep talking to each other and be open and honest. No secrets, especially on his behalf. You say you still love your h..there's no shame in that. I still love mine, too. He hurt me very, very much. Every day I pray to heal a little more and to find my way to a place in our marriage that was better than it was before. You can make that happen, too. Don't give up! <P><BR>Comfort

Comfort<P>Thank you for taking the time to listen...the past couple of weeks has been a living hell for me.<P>I having a hard time forgiving my h this time. It's mainly because i don't want to be hurt any more.<P>We can't police our husbands 24/7. what do we need to do to maysure he doesn't sneak around to see the o/c??? do i need to accept the oc and pick him up weekly to keep my h from sneaking over their? <P>what do we do ?

There's nothing you can do to stop your h from "sneaking" if he really wants to. Let's hope he doesn't want to. You're absolutely right that we can't police our h 24/7...and we shouldn't have to. You said that your H has told OW that he still loves you and he's still with you. You two have to talk about this and decide what to do about OC. If he wants OC in your lives, then you have to decide if it's what you want. You both are going to have to agree with the decision if your marriage is going to work. It's not like deciding on what color to paint the house...it's a life-changing experience that will effect you both for many years to come. If you don't want OC in your life (which I couldn't blame you at all), then you must tell your H why you feel this way and be honest. If you accept the OC simply to please your H and prevent him from sneaking around to see child, then you'll never really "accept" the OC with your heart...you'll only be accepting him out of fear. You'll come to resent your H and OC and make yourself miserable in the meantime. You've already been through enough. I think that the decision to accept OC is a very personal one that only you and H can decide upon. It's a very difficult decision. For us, it was never a difficult one (for which I'm thankful). My H doesn't want anything to do with OC and neither do I. I am at peace with that decision and have no guilt. My H has more or less "detached" himself from this situation and simply looks at this cs expense as another bill. Of course, I don't see it that way. I still see betrayal and hurt when I look at him many times, even when I know I still love him. There are days I look at him and think I wouldn't want to be without him. Then there are days when I think that I could take my children and walk away from this marriage and move on with my life without him and have no regrets. I hate the rollercoaster ride and I'm ready to get off. But back to you...I know how hard it is to forgive your H. I've been down that road 4 years ago when I first found out about his A. It was devastating. We all know that pain unfortunately, and that's why we're here. I can only tell you to try not to make any decisions right now while you're still so hurt and the pain is fresh. You need time...and lots of it. I'm talking from experience and passing on some of the good advise I've gotten from this forum. I know what you mean about not wanting to be hurt again. I felt like such a stupid fool when I found out what had been going on behind my back while I was at home with our children. my H was out sneaking around with this slut and still coming home and sleeping in our bed and lying to my face. It still makes me so mad and it still makes my stomach turn sour many times when I think about it. I'm happy that I don't have too many of those days anymore. Talk to your H and tell him how you're feeling about everything. Don't hold back. You deserve to be heard and listened to. He's betrayed and hurt you. Don't spare his feelings at the cost of hiding yours. You two need to decide how you're going to handle this OC situation. You have to do what you can live with, it won't work any other way. I'm thinking of you and sending prayers and good thoughts your way. Keep us posted on how you're doing.<P>Comfort