I want to express my thoughts, however fear that some of you will take it the wrong way or get mad. I have been an observer for quite a while, but have chosen to just follow the life of many of you without making comments. I have recently watched one member return after a long time away from the board. Most of her posts are similar to the ones she posted last year even though time has passed. Here are some of my observations:<p>- If the situation is still the same why not change your own reactions and behavior or leave? I am really not trying to be harsh but from what I can see this man is not going to change his decisions to continue the relationship with his child, therefore the wife needs to make a decision as to whether she can deal with it or if she needs to leave the situation. <p>- Regarding wanting more time and attention from him I agree he should be devoting more and making more of an effort. The only "excuse" I could give for his not pursuing her even though he has chosen to stay in the marriage is that he is paralyzed by frustration and irritation over the fact that she cannot move past the visitation issue. I am not siding with him on this, only trying to figure out why he doesn't give her more attention.<p>Ultimately I think that the wife is giving him mixed signals. She has stayed in the relationship and not followed through on any of her ultimatums. She has said she would not tolerate continued contact with OW/OC and yet even though it has continued she has done nothing. He knows he can get away with it. He knows her threats mean nothing. <p>My suggestions are that the wife decide what SHE needs, not him, not the children, not the marriage, but her. After determining that she needs to decide if the marriage is one of those needs, if it is great then continue with counseling and try to incorporate husband into that, but from the past it apears husband won't give up child. I think that the wife ought to take the lead on this if she is going to be in the marriage - she has said that the husband has said she can arrange visits. Do it. Call OW or email her and arrange a visit. Suprise husband and state "I have taken over the visitations and you will be seeing OC on whatever day at whatever time." Don't give husband any room to say your not doing your part or that your not compromising for the marriage. Then if he continues to do things behind your back you will know that he is not making the effort and that you have done everything you can. <p>Another suggestion is that you romance him. You have stated that he doesn't pursue you. How about you arrange a date and then pick him up from work, take him out, take the lead. Give the marriage some spark again. Make every effort you can. He will be suprised.<p>I know that none of these things will be easy but I am just suggesting them because I have watched your situation for over a year and think progress needs to be made. I truly wish you luck.<p>[ May 10, 2002: Message edited by: HisSupporter ]</p>

hissupporter, and what is your situation, his supporter?Are you an OW, BS, WS or what? Just curious.<p>You are interested in this board for what reason? What appeal does it hold for you, since you have followed the board for a year? Who are you?<p>I suspect one of the above. So come clean? Who are you?<p>[ May 10, 2002: Message edited by: unhappy wife ]</p>

I am none of the above. I am married with children and have just been reading the board. I just see your frustration over the whole situation and was hoping maybe some of those suggestions could help you move past the place you have been stuck for over a year. It seems to me that he needs to know that your for real - what you say is what you mean. Deal with the issues before you and find solutions and then move on, I hate seeing a family in limbo for so long. I hope that you can move past this as a family.

I am curious you have watched for a year and this week your so moved you get a name register and post for this reason? <p> Seems to me your trying to get UW make a decision the way you want her to. By chance you know her?

I think she has tried to save her marrieage and continues to try and save her marriage because she really does love her husband and doesnt want to break up her family.
And before she throws in the towell, she wants to know in her heart she did everything she could for her marriage and her children before she moves on and makes a life for her self... and if there is some way this woman can work things out with this man she married , who she promised her life to . Then I say Go for it, this is not a light decision to just throw away there years together and give up. You cant rush that.

Yes I have watched for over a year and was moved to post, because when she started to post again they all seemed so similar to her posts from a year ago. I just think it is very sad that a year has gone by and her marriage is still in such a sad state. <p>Regarding my advice, I in no way am encouraging her to end her marriage or call it quits. I just think that when a person threatens something if they don't follow through the other person knows they won't and then starts to take advantage of that. That is exactly what I think has occured with her husband. She threatened to leave a year ago if he continued contact and he did, but she didn't leave and therefore he knows he can do whatever he wants and there are no reprecutions. I think she needs to only make an ultimatum if she is going to keep it, and any sound therapist, including Steve Harley from what I read generally agrees.

maybe i have missed his point but i think what hs is saying here is that uw needs to set her boundries and keep them. this is a well know approach writen about by james dobson in his book "love must be tough". it is very similar to plan b.

i also want to ask the question of what does it matter what hissupporter's situation is if his advice is sound and reasonable? does it really matter on which side if the fence he stands as to being a ws, bs, ow, om or who cares?

Thank you Pops. I don't want to upset anyone, I just think that if mixed signals are sent the husband is going to keep taking advantage of the situation. I personally think from what I have read of this situation that the wife should state what she wants, insist on marriage counseling (and insist he be there - who cares who makes the appointment as long as he is there)...and then follow through with anything that is in her plan for her future. And yes I do think it is similar to what I have read of plan b. Just be consistent, direct, and expect that he treat you with respect.