Somewhere in my mind you would think that I would have figured out that after the initial discovery, and the period of calm that follows it - I would know that anger is next. I am SO angry that my H let this continue. I guess in 'perfect world', he would have said - I'm going home to my wife. But - NOOOOOOOOO, he can't do that. He can't say that - he has to 'wait' for her to screw up? Why do they do that? Because it's the easy way out. But you know, when my A ended, it was obvious to the OM. He knew that the newness of our A had ended and he only said - "You don't have to do this anymore." He had asked once if I was getting a divorce & I told him no.
Here's my other thing - if 2 people (myself & H) don't believe in divorce, why does this keep repeating itself? I was telling my friend last night that I didn't like the counseling because I felt like a doormat. It's like I had to tippy toe around his feelings. You know until Sunday night my H never once said that he was still hurt about my A. When does this wear off? Why do I always feel like he is placing blame on me? "If you hadn't thrown me out ..." (you fill in the blanks). I told my friend that he had a choice there. He could have said - "I'm not leaving." Even now - all I want is for him to look at me & say, I really want this marriage. I am sorry for what I have done and I am completely lost at how to fix it. Can we do this together. That's it ya'll - that's all I want. But I know, I know, I have to wait for the 'fog to lift' and watch him blame me for his actions. I really need to go find my SAA and re-read it.
I am also po'd that he thinks I didn't want him home until I found out I was pregnant. We both know that is the biggest lie on the face of the earth, but it goes back to his trying to rationalize his actions. I find it funny yet sad that he is now visibly ill because of what he has done. The OW is pregnant and may not give in to what he wants. So now he is moping around about that and I feel terribly neglected. It's like I want to yell - HELLOOOOO What about me? What about this child who was actually conceived out of love and not on a night of alcohol induced sex? I feel like we have to take a back burner to his new mess. That's not fair!
Sorry - but I just had to rant here for a minute.
