Well we had the birthday party, My HUSBAND, my self, my children, my sister and her children all went to OM's house I took the cake, and some odds and ends , we sort of split what each would bring.
we were all very nice and polite, his wife did a lovely job decorating. My husband and om sat out side and chatted about work kids and such, I helped with the kids, om had done all the cooking and setting up, I would say it was almost perfect.... but not with out a bad moment.

mm's wifes daughter from a previous marriage, she is 40 threw a fit and demanded that the toy she bought her would stay at their house and that my daughter could never bring it to my house..[ now keep in mind, MM knew how this woman acts and told me he did not want to raise our daughter this way. I smiled said nothing, but my children were shocked to see a grown up act in such a manner.
WHy come to a childs birthday party if you are not their out of love for that child ? OM was embarressed but caught between a rock and a hard place, he wanted to buy my daughter the same toy to keep at my house, because she is only at his house once a month or so.. I said dont worry not a big deal, she never does with out.

I am upset because this is such an ugly way to raise a child and in the end they will lose because my daughter will know we dont act that way. OM agrees and has been fighting all week to the point that he lost his voice. My husband and my self dont see what the fuss is about, I buy toys all the time and send to his house to keep there, because god knows we have 5 kids and more toys than they know what to do with. We all make good money so it isnt tha she doesnt have comparable things here a home. so why fight over it?
I sent out my thank you notes this week. One to every one who attended and a thank you for the gift they bought. I understand her daughters feelings for me, and dont expect to change them, But om and I agreed we would not raise her in such a way. I intend on standing by that agreement.

oh I have more news and I am sure a few will say I get what was coming to me, maybe Karma.. However I dont believe so... My HUSBAND ONCE AGAIN HAS met someone off the net, I know her email , have her pic and know she has been married thrity years, she knows I am married to him and just wants to have fun.. what ever the heck that is... If he didnt have a pattern of this behavior I would say it is what I deserve, But this is typical.. although I am suprised at my reaction, I didnt cry , scream yell, I THINK MY ONLY WORDS WERE[YOU DISGUST ME] AND i have not talked of it sense... number 23 I think may have lost count. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> I think I am numb to his behavior and now I remember why I fell for the om in the first place.
So I am back to square one, all over again, not sure what I will do this time. At the moment the same thing I always do, take care of everything and do all the mommy stuff and ignore it for the moment.
By the way BTDT Your dip was very good and every one loved it, I even shared the recipe. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Of course OM thinks I should leave now and get a place of my own and he will help... I think he has done enough... I am starting to wish he would just go away... He says He cant do that we are connected for life.. yada yada yada as long as I do it his way of course..

Sounds like all considering the bday party went well. It always saddens me to see people behaving less that adults especially at a childrens party.

I'm also saddend to hear of the latest with your H. Has he met this woman yet or is he still just communicating online?

give the little one a big bday hug from me.

Love, K

Mo5,

Well, I'm glad the B-day party was mostly a success, minus the 40 yr. old "baby"!

As for what's happening w/H, you need to decide what you truly want to do! I know that he doesn't "believe" in the MB principles, but you, yourself, have pretty much been using them in your M. Your H has now broken your trust, yet again, without even batting an eyelash! Oh, and NO, YOU DON'T DESERVE THIS!!!!(caps on) But, why, WHY does OM know of this current development in your M? The only thing that OM should be concerned about is D, and the only thing that would affect her right now is if you and H seperated, then OM would have the right to know. Otherwise, IT'S NONE OF HIS *%$# BUSINESS!

To me, it sounds as if your H has an addiction that has never been dealt with, on his part! You are now at a point in which a decision needs to be made, and you are the only one who can make it. I would talk to a counselor about what this is doing to you! If you still love H, you need to protect that love, and seeing what he's doing on line isn't protecting anything, it's destroying it!

I hope that I helped.

Tigger

OM is the one who first told me to check husbands email, Not sure why but I started doing so... any way, my husband does this and uses these women a time or two and then dissapears.. heck if I know why, why would a woman go meet a stranger off the net.. My god he could be a killer how would she know.. crazy if you ask me. same goes for him, He must be nuts.

THE PARTY
Was a sucess for the most part, Little one had a good time and I enjoyed my self, as parents we all did rather well, His daughter from a previous marriage, was very gracious and is always sweet and made sure my husband felt comfortable in his surroundings, I appreciated that. His wife and I were very aware of each other and polite, and helpful, I tried to step back and let them do what they wanted since it was their home. I didnt like being in his home again, too many memories I guess. But I ignored them.

I was in my 20's when I got involved with om and I am now in my thirties, he is in his late fifties and he thinks he should be in charge always and forever, he will never change it is his personality. He has been telling me to leave my husband for as many years as I have known him, that wont change either..

He is nosy and always will be, sounds crazy but you would have to know him to understand.

I dont know what I will do about husband, I am not that concerned with it at the moment, I will work it out one way or another, and your right he thinks the principles on this site are silly and stupid, however they have helped us communicate better and we dont fight, and he is a nicer person than he used to be. But I am not blind, h will always be who he is, he has not changed anything except the drinking and verbal abuse in the past 18 years... I knew this was coming just wasnt sure when, infact I told someone about three weeks ago it will be soon.. I always know when he is lying and I always know when he has done something he shouldnt..
The good part of this.. I have learned alot in the last two years, I know I can take care of my self, I know I will be fine, and I know it will be his loss... I also learned to communicate in a different way and not scream or yell, I am doing pretty good.. I would say I was in shock, but I am not... Just have to decide how to procede.
I have lots of support and that helps.. I have been in a plan A of sorts, but me being nice and sweet, husband takes more for granted.. He figures, hey Maybe I can do what I want and she wont care. I will not use plan b... not now any way, because he isnt relly involved still, this woman has written him 6 times and he has not bothered to even get on the computer... We talked and I asked him what he wanted, He is perfectly content just the way things are.. GO FIGURE..

The funny thing is, He stayed off line for two years because of this sort of thing... I resecntly said I didnt care he could get on line if he wanted to, and this was the first thing he did.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by mom of five:
<strong>
mm's wifes daughter from a previous marriage, she is 40 threw a fit and demanded that the toy she bought her would stay at their house and that my daughter could never bring it to my house..I smiled said nothing, but my children were shocked to see a grown up act in such a manner.

=^^= What's it to her??? Your XOM isn't even her father so her "outrage" is incredibly ridiculous, not to mention, bad manners. You handled yourself with a lot of class and dignity...good for you, MOF.

oh I have more news and I am sure a few will say I get what was coming to me, maybe Karma..

=^^= Don't ever say that, MOF...that is not true. And it isn't funny...we don't want anyone to suffer or be in pain or hurt like that.

My HUSBAND ONCE AGAIN HAS met someone off the net, I know her email , have her pic and know she has been married thrity years, she knows I am married to him and just wants to have fun..

What a pig.

I am suprised at my reaction, I didnt cry , scream yell, I THINK MY ONLY WORDS WERE[YOU DISGUST ME] AND i have not talked of it sense... number 23 I think may have lost count. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> I think I am numb to his behavior and now I remember why I fell for the om in the first place.

Sheesh, what's wrong with him? Does he know you know? I think your reaction is perfect, reasonable and predictable. At 23 floozies, he just can't hurt you with it anymore...it's almost like...who cares? Yawn. Don't let him set you up, MOF.

Of course OM thinks I should leave now and get a place of my own and he will help

Uh-ohhhh, red flag.
You guys are all too close and intertwined...God, this must be hard on you.

I am starting to wish he would just go away... He says He cant do that we are connected for life.. yada yada yada as long as I do it his way of course..

I sure don't see you loosing XOM anytime soon...it sounds like until death do you part. You got a couple of really crowded marriages...
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What a mess. You're in my prayers.

Love

Catnip =^^=

<small>[ September 11, 2002, 07:01 PM: Message edited by: catnip ]</small>

THIS COULD BE A FIRST.

I agree with every thing you said catnip.. and thank you, I was hoping I wasnt the only one that thought the 40 year old step daughter was nuts.. haha My mother says kill them with kindness... be nice no matter what.. so I try

OM being such a part of my life is my fault and only my fault, I let him take over for so long he doesnt know how to stop. I am learning to stop it,
what a mess... I can honestly say I envy NO contact now and wish I had it...... Not that I think that is what is best for my daughter.. because it isnt, But sure would make life more simple...

I see red flags to I know him well, He tried the leave him and move out on your own bit before and next thing I new I was single and cooking dinner for him and ironing his shirts... NOPE not again.

MO5 said: </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">cooking dinner for him and ironing his shirts...</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You mean that's wrong? (meant entirely in humor a-la Roseann Barr).

I know what you mean though, Mo5. It's like you left for a BETTER life and you get the same 'ole crap, huh?

I read with sadness of the birthday party for D. Could it be MM's stepdaughter is hearing things her Mom is saying and taking them out on you? I think so. I mean this in a helpful way.

Maybe she's hurt for her Mom to be married to a man who would do the worst thing possible to your wife, and in order for her to be married she must suck-up, so to speak. Whatever, she's venting on the wrong person, your D.

As far as MM goes, and your H, cool it with MM for a few months. Work with your H. If he won't work with you, after all you two have endured, maybe it's time to think only about you and your future. Not your c's, but you.

You count, you know.

Your H may be feeling low and unable to verbalize it.

Maybe the "sharing" thing has taken it's toll on him and he's too macho to tell you.

Only YOU know how he is, MO5.

Bless you. Prayers to you.
love
Debi

Thank you gem I appreciate your input.

I have a sick baby tonight but will share more when I have time, but you have given me something to think about. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

wow...

I'm shocked at this news--xOM's daughter's demands, your H's latest deeds, the birthday party in general... It's probably best to avoid OM's house in the future, dontcha think??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Oh well, glad you enjoyed the dip! Which dip was it? The avocado one?

hey wasnt my idea to go there, it was theirs, they insisted, I gave in to be nice, But yes I think you are right, I did inform him they would be welcome to all parties we have but it would be in my home or at a park or other public place.

I did not like being there again, too many memories and they all made me sick to my stomach.
But I was trying to compromise.. think I shall start being selfish, be a heck of a lot better for my sanity. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I'm going to pipe in here and say that IMO you have to be a little selfish at times to protect your own sense of "self" and your sanity. If you give to everyone else all the time (I believe SH calls this the "Giver" - OMG, I think some of this is seeping in) you don't have anything left for yourself. I know I'm just a newbie around here, but I've been told countless times, "Take care of yourself". I think that's a big part of Plan A - taking care and protecting yourself.

I'm very sorry you are going through all this. Have you thought about NC between you and MM, but keeping him in D's life by letting them have visitation - maybe someone else could take D to meet for visitation and you not have a part of it. Possibly your mother or a close friend???? Just a thought. It might help some of the bickering between MM and his W and may help your marriage as well. Like I said, I'm still a newbie so I may be way off-base. Just an idea though.

With love,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by dumplin:
[QB]Have you thought about NC between you and MM, but keeping him in D's life by letting them have visitation - maybe someone else could take D to meet for visitation and you not have a part of it. Possibly your mother or a close friend???? QB]</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Out of the mouths of Babes...why didn't I think of that????

Catnip =^^=

Thanks Catnip--maybe some of this stuff is sinking into my thick head, lol. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

The reason I thought of it is because I know a divorced couple who have to do that with their kids. The judge ordered it because they would always starting fighting--they even tried meeting in a neutral location like the courthouse, but that didn't stop them from arguing (if one didn't start, the other would) so the judge told them they since they couldn't speak to each other like adults that they were not to speak to each other in front of the children without a moderater present and that someone besides them would have to do the drop-offs and pick-ups. The two grandmothers volunteered so one grandmother meets the other grandmother now and they deliver the kids to their respective children.

mo5,
I'm so sorry to hear of this latest sad turn in your life. I don't have any answers, but have you seen the website by the wife of a former serial adulterer...? I can't think of it right now, but I can look it up later.

Just offering some support and a prayer,

J

jen
No I havent seen it, But dont mind reading it.. I am really doing ok, for the most part, I am mad, but indifferent at the same time, I used to get angry yell, scream , cry, and have a complete breakdown, Now I am just disgusted and indifferent.
He is of course more loving and trying to be sweet, typical male behavior when he has been caught.
They must have a book out there, of stupid things to say.. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

ok They have all lost their mind.. I give up they win.
Om convinced my husband to interview.. husband did, I thought NO way they will offer him what he makes, out of the question so didnt worry to much about it, well they offered, husband said no, not enough money, so om talked with the powers that be and they called back with bigger and better offer. SO my husband will soon start a new job and leave the old job behind, and do a few months training with om.. Now is this crazy or what, tHIS JOB WHEN THE TRAINING IS DONE WILL REQUIRE HUSBAND TO BE GONE HALF OF EACH MONTH OUT OF TOWN AND OM IS GRACIOUSLY GOING TO CHECK ON US FOR HIM... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />
\ It gets better, seems om has been in trouble for calling my house so much, so his wife forbid it, well he didnt tell me this, but My daughter was sick and om knew this already, but when asked had he talked with me he said no not a word[he calls every morning and evening every day] so his wife is pissed because I do not give him the courtesy of calling him when daughter is sick, my goodness, he has lunch with daughter every week, and calls every day, he knew... seems he has been sneaky and that is my fault because he is letting me take the blame... Then he calls me before she does and begs me not to tell the truth... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> SO I get to look like an idiot. men they amaze me, I feel like I should blow him out of the water, but I wont, unfair to daughter, must be nice.. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

So end result, I still believe that someday one day, parents can learn to be adult and get along for the sake of the children Just takes four grown ups thats all. I however have learned that those of you who chose no contact are doing something for that baby as well, you are keeping your feelings and negative thoughts away from that baby and that is better for the baby. SO in helping your self you are helping that baby and yes, God for bid that woman. Because I can honestly say I wish he had just kept his mouth shut and I let him get away with it... He wanted to BUT NOOOOO I had to say Grow up be a man or get away from me.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> Because frankly I am sick of dealing with all of them.

dumplin
great idea, but we have already thought of that, but exchanges are not a problem, we get along fine in front of daughter and he and I agreed that we would be friendly for daughters sake,and that D should be comfortable with either of us and either family and that we would show her that was fine, however they seem to be lacking in that dept. already. I am just venting, keeps me from saying what I really think. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

<small>[ September 17, 2002, 08:59 PM: Message edited by: mom of five ]</small>

mo5,,,,, again your resilience (sp?) amazes me. you have been through the wringer and yet somehow people feel that you need another turn thru. i don't feel you need to wash your hands to all of them so to speak. you just have to set up new ground rules. i feel the biggest problem with your om and his w is the over chummyness between the 4 of you. if you can just get to a point where he has his visitations separate from you things may improve. it is ok for your d to celebrate her b-day at your house and then again at om's house. this happened with my oldest for throughout his childhood. the only time all parties were together were at things such as h.s. graduation, his wedding, etc. and even then we didn't hang around socializing together. there were just cordial hi's and expressed each others pride in our son and we were gone. even now at the grandchildrens b-days we are both there and we are sociable but not overly chatty. in your case, with your h going to work for om things have become more complicated. i get a bad feeling about how bossumy (sp?) your h and om have seem to become and how much more attention your om seems to be paying you. maybe that's just the cynical side of me. if your h is concidering stepping over the line again it may be that he is thinking om can calm the hurt in you again. almost like a prearrangement between them. i hope this doesn't offend you it is just my suspecting mind working over time. hopefully i am wrong.

(Groan...) Now what?

MOF, I wouldn't protect him and sacrifice myself like a lamb on the altar to enable him to carry on these deceptions. His wife should know the truth so she doesn't give you a bum rap. I'd give her a call about something else to do with your daughter and let the conversation take on a life of its own.

You are getting so set up with this job offer and working arragement. XOM might be thinking (hoping) that your husband will stray again if he is alone in hotel rooms a couple weeks a month and you will be easy pickens for XOM's agenda, now that he has successfully manipulated the situation like a master puppeteer.

MOF...what a difficult and terrible position to be in. I am so sorry. You must be so flipped out.

You're in my thoughts and prayers.

Love

Catnip =^^=

pops , catnip,
You are both right I know this, and see it happening. when I try pulling from the situation, om tends to be somewhat threatening. He will make comments that if I dont want to do this as he thinks is best, I must not love my daughter very much[of course he knows I would die for my children] so it gets to me to hear such statements.

Pops I am not offended , the thought had occured to me as well. H seems to be pushing me towards om, so he can do as he pleases. OM now has husband out of the way for many days at a time.
In fact it occured to me,that other than getting to show off at the party om has not asked to take my daughter home at all and that was almost three weeks ago. My guess is he is telling her I wont let him, so he can put on a show,
I am not sure calling her would do any good, she would be lieve me, I am not worried about that, but then look what I create by running my mouth, they start fighting again and in the end my daughter might suffer for it.. doesnt sound like a good idea, however if she confronts me again with it, I will tell the truth and let the chips fall.

Mo5,

This reaks of malicious intent against your M, and screams a warning siren in my mind!!!! First, OM is the one who tells you to "snoop" after you give your H the go-ahead for the chat room garbage! Lo and behold, you find suspicious emails and such! OM, again, encourages you to leave H and that he "will take care of you"! Your answer to that was that OM always has to be in control, and you want to keep him happy so D isn't hurt! Now, OM has convinced H to interview at OM's work, and H gets the job, which will require H to be gone, basically, half the year, every year! Oh, and to top that off, OM will "graciously check in on you" while H is gone! Again, you won't do or say a thing so D won't be hurt! Not to mention OM lying to his W about you, and his phone calls to your house!

I don't know what you think you are doing, by saying that you don't want D to get hurt by these manipulations, but that's exactly what is going to happen! And, not only that, but you will get caught in the cross fire between OM and OM's W, and possibly OM and H if you continue to lay down and take this crap! It seems to me as if OM is still calling all the shots by holding your D over your head! Someone with that agenda is only going to keep on hurting you unless you call their bluff!

I know that you guys have never gone to court regarding CS or visitation, but it may be a very good idea! What is happening is a continued break down of your M by OM! He is manipulating you not only w/D but w/H as well! You have stated many times that OM loves to be in control, and from what I have seen, especially recently, is that OM has full control, and you are just going along with it, using your D as an excuse! Maybe you should grab that bull by the horns and throw him to the ground by refusing to play by his rules! Heck, if he takes you to court over it, it just means that you will have the court backing you up if he oversteps his boundries again!

I am not trying to start something with you here! I just feel very strongly that you and D, and OM's W are only going to be hurt so much more if this garbage doesn't stop! OM has EVERYONE in his pocket, and is keeping you all there because no one wants to upset him! You are all being door mats, and OM's shoes are so very dirty and muddy! If you are truly sick of this garbage, do something about it!

I really and truly hope that you haven't taken this the wrong way, because I do want your M to work. I just keep seeing your patern replaying, in almost every post, of OM does something, usually outrageous, and you lay down and take it to "protect D". This vicious cycle will just continue until you stop it!

Love,

Tigger