I need some big advice. I am in a terrible mess. My wife and I have been married for four years. We have one boy, three years old. Six months ago my wife found out she was pregnant. I was very happy for about a week. Then my wife confessed that this baby may not be mine. I was devastated. She said that she had been having an affair with my best friend for about two months. He is married as well and at the time, his wife was four months pregnant. She said that she was madly in love with him and he was in love with her. She said that she didn't know what to do and thought that I would kick her out of the house. She said to me that the best thing to do was to end the affair so that our son would have a normal life. I trusted her to end the affair but she did not. Instead, she started sneaking around with him and denying it. I intercepted many emails of this, including one of them having sex while I was at work with our son present. Now she thinks that I will use this evidence against her to get custody of our son if we divorce. All I want is to reconcile our marriage for the sake of these two families that will be devastated because of this. She says that she is not sure if this is my baby or his. Her lover's wife has since given birth and he has confessed to her that he loves my wife but denies any physical activity. I fear that his wife will divorce him if she gets this knowledge so I have not revealed all of this to her. What makes things more complicated is that I don't know if this is my baby. She says that if it is not my baby, that the father will want to be a part of this baby's life and that she can not trust herself with him being in her life. As time goes on, my wife has become cold and disconnected from me. Her lover tells her that he will divorce his wife to be with her because he says she is his soulmate. She is still with me and we sleep in the same bed but physical contact is very rare. I need help.

anxious1:

What a mess...

Having been faced with a similar one (my wife had an affair, and our third child is not biologically mine), the best piece of advice I can give you is to start counseling with Steve Harley, NOW (888-639-1639).

At this point, your focus should be on a good, supportive Plan A (get "Surviving an Affair") from the website. Exhibit good marital behaviors---no lovebusters whatsoever (and that especially included revealing the affair to OM's wife), and attempt to meet needs that your wife will allow you to meet (especially family-centered ones). In addition, I would suggest that you stealthily get an excellent attorney to guide you on issues related to divorce and child support questions, should you end up going that route.

Right now, the ball is in your wife's court. She's been unable to end the affair. She seems to be stuck in some romantic fantasy in which her wonderful OM will leave his wife and new-born to come join her and her new-born. The inconsistancy of this picture is staggering, but she hasn't seen in yet---if you're successful in getting her to discuss the marriage with Steve, he'd probably point this paradox out to her (you shouldn't).

This affair is likely to end very badly for your wife, with lots of emotional trauma. You need to let this happen---but be a consistent, rational, loving spouse as the drama unfolds. Steve will help you get the knowledge and apply the skills to do this.

K...

Could you look in on Rothals post as well? Thanks

Catnip =^^=

ANXIOUS!!!

Do everything K has suggested here and take a peek at Rothal's post as his situation may be similar to yours.

Prayers

Catnip =^^=

Update: We are in Christian counseling now. My wife says she wants to do the right thing. I was under the impression that she was not in contact with OM but she confessed that she was the one calling him, updating him on doctor visits. This hurt really bad but at least she was being honest with me. She's having a baby shower tomorrow. Nobody knows about all of this. I am continuing to be loving and supportive but in some ways I am feeling taken advantage of, going through all of this just to have her leave after the baby is born. She tells me that she still hasn't made a decision and will not know how she feels until after the baby is born. She also told me that OM told her that there is a possibility that he may have to move out of state because of his job. He has said this before but nothing has ever come of it. I'm praying above all else that this will happen. She said that if this happens, it will pretty much make the decision for her so I have my fingers crossed. She tells me that she would never move away and deprive our son of regularly seeing his mommy and daddy. I just feel like I am in a holding pattern. I've been giving her unconditional love but I'm wounded.

Of course you are wounded. May the Lord give you the strength to forgive in the midst of this turmoil. After the baby is born, take a DNA test together with your wife, if you can. Dr.Harley has written a little bit on maintaining contact with the Other Person (OP) after the Other Child (OC) is born... Dr.Harley recommends that the Betrayed Spouse (BS) be the go-between. Your wife has admitted it would be dangerous for her to maintain contact with OM and she is right! It would be dangerous to your marriage.

One step at a time, okay? Listen to the Lord speaking gently to your heart and obey. Listen to His Voice.

Hey All,
Just another update on my situation. I discovered that my wife was looking at web sites having to do with Mexico. I confronted her on this and after accusing me of snooping, she admitted that OM contacted her today saying that he was being transfered to Mexico (3,000 miles away)3 weeks out of the month starting in January. He would then spend the 4th week in Atlanta (4 hours away from us). She said that she asked him if his wife was going with him and he told her that she would be staying here, in our town because they just had their baby a month ago and his wife doesn't want to move out of the country. While that is minor bad news compared to the major good news of the transfer, I still have reservations. My wife's baby is due 1/20 and I still don't know if it's mine yet. He told her that if it is his that he still wants to see the baby on the weekends and she told him that under the circumstances that it probably wouldn't be a good idea. She told me all of this on the phone, trying to hold back the tears. I tried to be as supportive as possible, trying not to act too happy. I told her that I loved her very much and always will no matter what. Still, I think she resents me. She told me last week that if he did get transfered that she would take it as a sign that they just weren't meant to be. She sounded very depressed when I hung up the phone. I'm just wondering how I should handle this. Any thoughts?

Get rid of her. She's being very abusive to you and you're acting like you've done something wrong. If you do manage to work it out, make sure you get a paternity test. If he's the father, take him to court and get your child support money. I'll pray that he isn't the father and that you and your wife can work it out.

<small>[ November 26, 2002, 10:03 AM: Message edited by: Cavuto ]</small>

ANXIOUS

I know this is hard right now, but you stated you love your wife, then You have to try and keep your patience and let her work through this and in time she will.. after all this she will see he really isnt the man she made her self think he was..

I think you should keep working on the marriage, she is just scared and has a million thoughts running through her mind, while I know it isnt fair to you, she cant make them go away just yet.. It takes time.
hang in there, and if you truly love her, You will do just fine, and dont worry so much about the baby, Babies are easy to love.

Anxious,

I'd suggest that you work with Steve Harley through this: I don't know the qualifications of your Christian counselor, but I haven't found anyone better than Steve.

Your wife is going to suffer through withdrawal from the OM. Depression is par for the course, and with a pregnancy it will be doubly tough. Be supportive of her, try to quietly confort her, listen to her (don't react when she discusses OM---either with anger or glee). Be involved with prenatal appointments if possible.

It will take time (probably at least 3 months) for her to have this depression start to lift. If you want your marriage, you don't have many options here.

Another update. My wife and I had another discussion last night about what to do if the baby is not mine and OM wants to be a part of her life. My wife said that it would be too hard to be faithful having OM around in babies life. I explained to her that people cope with these problems everyday and that husbands are the go between in these matters. She doesn't think this is viable and there is bound to be contact between them and she just doesn't trust herself to be faithful. She told me that she is praying hard for the Lord to show her the direction she should take. I really need to explain to her step by step on how we can do this without NC with OM. She said that she loves me and knows things would be much easier for us if OM is not in the picture but she knows that he is going to force his way into this family if he has to. She said that she is still very much if love with him and that she doesn't know how to let go especially since there is a baby involved.

anxious1 despite your WW being in the 'fog' she does make some very good valid points that you should take into account. Furthermore, if OC is with you more than he is with his bio dad s/he could start viewing you as his/her 'daddy' and it would be a terrible tragedy and unfairness for the child to know that s/he could not be a normal part of his/her bio dad's life while his/her brother does and will a father to come home to. If you and your WW are willing, YOU could become OC's legal father with all the rights and responsabilities that go with it. I beleive this latter scenario is a much healthier alternative than the one you have been contemplating for it doesn't create opportunities of contact between your WW and OM, thus safeguarding your M, while at the same time gives an inocent child the stable environment of a loving home without destructive third parties involved. Please reconsider.

TMCM I would love to be the baby's legal father. That would be awesome. The only problem right now is that my wife isn't sure if she wants me to be with her since she is in love with OM. Furthermore, she claims that this man will force his way into this baby's life whether we like it or not. I am not familiar with legal rights regarding paternity, but if I am not mistaken, bio-dad must give up legal rights to the child before I could adopt and I don't think he will do this because of his feelings for my wife. I have told my wife over and over that I would love this child like my very own and never play favorites. I have a very big and forgiving heart. I'm praying that I will be given a chance to do just that...To love these children equally along with my wife beside me in a stable loving home. I want nothing more than this OM out of our lives. I never want to see him again. But I'll do whatever it takes to preserve my family.

hello,
Just wanted to say if you sign the birth certificate then you are the legal father regardless of DNA and there is nothing that OM can do about it. OM won't be able to be in the child's life. The only way is if you deny paternity and take a DNA test to prove it.

Dawn

Thanks Dawn. Like I said before, I am new to all of this. Any more information on this will be greatly appreciated.

I'm sure that your WW realizes that even if you and her divorced that there is a good chance that OM will continue to be married to his W and that she will become a single mother of two, but what she doesn't seem to grasp is the enormous impact of BEING a single mother is going to be on her and the children. But I guess that since she is so 'madly in love' with OM and things don't change for the better then she'll get to find first hand what it really means to be a single mother raising two children by herself.

As far as her assertion that OM will force his way into your lives whether you like it or not, your WW doesn't say whether OM's wife knows that her H is involved with her and possibly the father of OC. It sounds like she's trying to use this unproven 'reason' as an excuse for ending the M because chances are that OM probably doesn't want to divorce his W and marry your WW, and he'll probably would not want his W to find out that his been having an A with a woman he's impregnated.

Consider contacting OM and telling him that unless he ends his involvement with your W, that you are going to let his W know about the A and the pregnancy where he is the bio dad of the child. The worm will probably agree with you because, like most OM, he is only in the A for the sex and NOT because he has an emotional attachment to your W.

<small>[ November 26, 2002, 10:30 AM: Message edited by: TooMuchCoffeeMan ]</small>

I have been in contact with OM and he tells me the exact opposite of what he tells my wife. He says to me that he is working on his marriage while he tells my wife that he is waiting to see if it is his, then if it is his, he will divorce his wife to be with my wife. (His wife just had a baby last month) They have been going to marriage counceling but his wife and councelor know nothing of PA. He has admitted to his wife EA. I hesitate to tell his wife because I'm afraid she will divorce him immediately, thus clearing the way for him and my wife. So I am in an 8 week holding pattern, waiting for the birth of this child. Also, my wife is very emotional right now and doesn't know how she will feel after the baby is born. There is still a chance that it could be mine.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by anxious1:
I have been in contact with OM and he tells me the exact opposite of what he tells my wife. He says to me that he is working on his marriage while he tells my wife that he is waiting to see if it is his, then if it is his, he will divorce his wife to be with my wife. (His wife just had a baby last month) They have been going to marriage counceling but his wife and councelor know nothing of PA. He has admitted to his wife EA. I hesitate to tell his wife because I'm afraid she will divorce him immediately, thus clearing the way for him and my wife. So I am in an 8 week holding pattern, waiting for the birth of this child. Also, my wife is very emotional right now and doesn't know how she will feel after the baby is born. There is still a chance that it could be mine.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't trust OM's words to you because he is essentially a liar and a cheat and you shouldn't either.

Challenge OM to prove his words by going with you and telling your WW, with you there as a witness, that he is 'working on his marriage' and that he doesn't want to see her again. If he is a man who is sorry for what he did, he will do so, but I suspect that he will not want to do this.

As far as fearing that his W will throw him out and divorce him, she may or MAY NOT still do this if she finds out about his A with your WW, from other sources, so you are going to have to deal with your fear either way.

Realize that most A's die once the affairees make the transition to a regular R because the factors (lies and deception) that created the A will turn on the R and the affairees.

I already know that he is a liar. He has lied to me numerous times. He is not a man of integrity and his word means nothing to me. Even if I wittnessed him telling my wife he wanted nothing more to do with him, I would not believe him.

As far as telling his wife,I feel like it would be a big love buster that I can't afford right now. I'm praying this A will die once the baby is born. Big prayers!!!

Strongly suggested:

Stop acting emotionally and begin acting rationally.

1. Do all the suggested love building plan A activities on this site. Be loving. Be supportive. Be understanding. Do not be judgemental. Do not be confrontational. Do not be demanding.

2. Prepare yourself legally for divorce. Seek legal council to avoid "assumed paternity". If you do not you may end up paying child support for a child that is not yours to an exwife who is not with you. Also look into the legal aspects of custody of your child. If the marriage fails your (ex)wife's life will likely take a tailspin. You would expected to provide a stable home for YOUR child in this event.

3. Prepare yourself emotionally for divorce. If this doesn't work out you will survive need to move on. Ironically, it is likely that the more ready to are to close the door on your wife the more likely she will be make amends and restore the marriage.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Just wanted to say if you sign the birth certificate then you are the legal father regardless of DNA and there is nothing that OM can do about it. OM won't be able to be in the child's life. The only way is if you deny paternity and take a DNA test to prove it.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is generally the assumption of the courts in most states (not all), but you should not assume that this would be true in your case. A few states are accepting DNA tests after the fact, although most have a time limit on paternity challenges. So, there are at least two things to consider carefully: 1) your W has not given birth, so there is no signed certificate yet (what if she excludes you from the birth and the OM is present), and 2) depending on your state's laws, the OM may be able to challenge the birth certificate for several years after the birth. IMO, your best bet for being part of this child's life is to repair your M.