Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 9 of 10 1 2 7 8 9 10
Joined: Jul 1999
Posts: 472
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jul 1999
Posts: 472
Good morning all, I have been surprised with how far this has gone. I did not initially start this to inflame others, but out of curiousity.

There has been so much said about how awful it is that in addition to father of the OC paying cs he should be an active father in that child's life.
Some people seemed to feel that the child was owed an active father. Are they? What about the children of divorce, where a parent walks out and never looks back? Nothing is perfect, we deal with the hand we are dealt. (If I had divorced my H, my children wouldn't have had an active father in their lives)
That didn't happen in our lives due to logistics between our family and my H preference. He travels so much that he didn't want to split his time between our children and hers, esp since the OC/OW were a 1000 miles away. In addition, to heal our marriage, we didn't need to be distract by the OW and her shenanigans to get him back.
He was also ashamed of his relationship with her and didn't want to announce his relationhip to her child. His parents died without knowing they had another grandchild.
I didn't mean to stir up a hornet's nest, just wanted to know if others had received from the Ow an apology. At least acknowledgement that she knew she had caused the wife pain and wanted to make amends. My marriage is better in spite of his affair and things between us are good. We learned from our mistakes and have moved on. Occasionally I bring things up but just to address things I had wanted to bring up before but did not because I didn't want to be accused of "rocking the boat". Now they are nonissues, but I am curious.
K is right we need to become productive and put malice and hurt behind us and create what we all want, better marital relationships.

Enjoy the holidays, and be thankful for our families.

Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 31
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 31
Think the problem,Texasgirl, is when statements are made like "her child". Its his child, too. ANd yes, every child should have an active father. If people don't want children, they shouldn't have unprotected sex. Children should not have to pay for grownups mistakes. You'll never convince me otherwise; I'm an advocate for kids! And its a shame what children are forced to go through with in this country! We say we love the little ones but our actions don't show it! I might as well be living in a war-torn country with a bunch of militants to hear the lives of BABIES being devalued! Whew!

Joined: May 2001
Posts: 3,303
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: May 2001
Posts: 3,303
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by luscious:
<strong>Well, BTDT, I hope that closed mind opens up so you can be the Christian woman you state and not let other people's sins send you to >>>>>>>>! Have a good one!</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> You are right lucious and I hope that if my marriage ever took a turn where my H fathers an OC that I would be able to step up to the plate and be the woman God expects me to be... if not, at least I hope I could be civilized. At this point in my Christian growth, I just don't see that happening... I'm just being honest here so I hope you can tell the difference between being Christian and being honest about one's human condition and current state of mind...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">CM said:

I do think there is a contradiction where WS is seen as the victim by many of the BS's here, and OP as the "perp", but that is not a point I'm trying to make here. <strong>I agree with M05 in pointing it out...</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That's all I was trying to say...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I said:
<strong>...I already know myself enough to accept that I could not be as civil as mo5 has been in blending the two families for the OC's sake. I think I might be much too close-minded for that...</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">To which Mo5 said:
<strong>
You seem to think I have another choice... </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That last remark was intended to be a compliment to you, mo5. Too bad it seems you didn't read it as such. So okay, *sigh* I'm officially done with this thread...

p.s.I just can't see blending together with an OM's family for the sake of one kid with several other existing children and family members' feelings to also consider. Of course, I'm not in your shoes mo5so it's easy for me to say... It's just that I keep envisioning your OM's grown daughter and her open hostility toward OC! That kind of resentment doesn't just disappear one day over time... This is a grown up we are talking about! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Maybe I'm being presumptuous in my thinking, but one day, OC will grow up and if that daughter doesn't have a change of heart, OC will see it eventually... I just don't know if it would be worth taking the risk, even if for the OC's sake... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

<small>[ November 25, 2002, 01:09 PM: Message edited by: BINthereDUNthat ]</small>

Joined: Mar 2002
Posts: 1,163
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Mar 2002
Posts: 1,163
Bin there

I am sorry, I did see that as a compliment.
I was just in a hurry, no offense taken.

p.s.I just can't see blending together with an OM's family for the sake of one kid with several other existing children and family members' feelings to also consider. Of course, I'm not in your shoes mo5so it's easy for me to say... It's just that I keep envisioning your OM's grown daughter and her open hostility toward OC! That kind of resentment doesn't just disappear one day over time... This is a grown up we are talking about! Maybe I'm being presumptuous in my thinking, but one day, OC will grow up and if that daughter doesn't have a change of heart, OC will see it eventually... I just don't know if it would be worth taking the risk, even if for the OC's sake...

If om is in her life, I dont have a choice but for my daughter ot know not all people are loving and she in time will see this woman for what she is.

It is om's wifes daughter. Om has a daughter who thinks of my daughter as her sister and loves her tremendously. She always treats me and my other children with respect. she is a very sweet lady.
OM and his wife have NO children to gether.

so OM's step daughter will eventually grow up and realise this baby is loved reguardless, or she will not be welcome in her life, and unfortunately she is already hurting her self, and i dont have to do any thing but let her sink her self. I just continue being nice to her she does all the damage to her self. she has only seen my daughter three times, I am not really concerned any more, om and I have discussed it at length, He will protect our daughter. and I try and understand his wife is torn between her daughters bad behavior and she also loves her daughter. so I stay out of it.

as far as mine and my husbands children go, They have all been taught to love unconditionally. we have many adopted children, and some of mix races through out my family, my children are taught that we love and stand by our family.People are just peole and we love them no matter what. They make mistakes, but we learn to forgive .

what I meant by no other choice, I meant that If I love my daughter than I owe it to her to make this the best life for her, and since om insist that he loves her and wants in her life, I have to respect that and make the best of it.
Thats what I meant by no choice...
for me there is no choice.

My daughter will have to learn that not all people are nice and as om says she will see that in his stepdaughter and he will make sure she is not hurt and doesnt have to be around garbage.

<small>[ November 25, 2002, 01:34 PM: Message edited by: mom of five ]</small>

Joined: Mar 2002
Posts: 1,163
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Mar 2002
Posts: 1,163
by the way I shold point out that om's stepdaughter feels the same way about his children from his first marriage, and he was married for over 20 years.

I might also point out that the child his step daughter has, was conceived with a man she was not married to , who was married to someone else and she treats his two children from that marriage, the girls who are now teens dont even want to be around there dad.. so I dont think it was all about me, she is just not a nice person

Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 31
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 31
Oh, I know its hard. You can get crazy at times. SOmetimes I say things I don't mean, things that are ugly,BTDT. Its hard to think Christian at all times when your life feels like an explosion! And nothing is working! Its easy to be bitter and lash out but its probably not right. But sometimes it feels so good to lash out!

Joined: Mar 2002
Posts: 593
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Mar 2002
Posts: 593
There was some very good opinions and experiences shared among the recent bunk. I think that in cases where we, the op/ws are concerned, when someone says to me that I'm a big girl and should know how not to get preg., for example, we get completely side tracked. The lack of respect can be incredible. When a bs comes along, llike today, and says that we, the op/ws, make flaming remarks like, H should have worn a condom, it speaks volumes about their sick thinking process. The remark made to me about getting preg. implies to me, that it was done intentionally or that I had complete control over it happening. So, in my honestly, I tell the truth about the condom deal. Again, if I'm disrespected, the least one will get is the plain,hard, truth. Like it or not. If the truth inflames you, then so be it.
On the other hand, I'm a reasonable person. I can negotiate for respect. If we can all do what K suggests drop the disrespect, then maybe we'd sit down and really read what written and think about it. And grow. I personally think there is lot of learning and growing ahead of many of us. Yes, some are stuck, have been, and will remain that way, but they are the minority.

CM

Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 338
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 338
CM,
Why is it when you post one of your hurtful, hateful replies it is "the plain, hard truth " but when a BS does it it is disrespectful ?

Lucious,
***I'm an advocate for kids***
I'm an advocate for civil rights and you cannot diminish the rights of one segment of the population to enhance the rights of another.

Thats it, I'm done. I was run off once before and I guess I'm going again.
The fact is an OW cannot understand a BS POV and vice versa. I know many of you OW claim to be a BS also, but you cannot understand the POV of a person that has never cheated.
But before I go I want to say that no, my H has no contact with his child. And no CM and MO5, he is not a coward or irresponsible. He is a man that made what he thought was the best decision he could in an unwinnable situation. He, unlike you, holds no one but himself responsible for the decision he made.

Jtigger

Joined: May 2001
Posts: 3,303
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: May 2001
Posts: 3,303
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Jtigger:
<strong>...The fact is an OW cannot understand a BS POV and vice versa. I know many of you OW claim to be a BS also, but you cannot understand the POV of a person that has never cheated...</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well said! And note that many OW, just like many WS "NEVER thought" in a million years that they would ever make such a choice... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> Not excusing any wrongdoing, just a fact...

I'm trying to understand. This place has helped me understand more than I ever would out in the world on my own within my daily environment. This site is also helping me learn how to avoid it in the future. I'm sure this site helps the BS learn how to win back their spouses as well! We'll get to where we need to be if we keep moving forward in our individual personal growth.

I respect everyone here. It wasn't always that way, but I have opened my mind to be more empathetic and try to stand in someone else's shoes if but for a second...

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> lucious no worries, I took what you said as sincere... You are right! Sins of others should not have any part in sending me to hell (through hatred and unforgiveness and resentment and bitterness)! Especially when we have God inside of us enabling us to rise above the circumstances and chaos. (See Psalm 91)!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Did you know that eagles fly way above the storm clouds where there are calm skies!? Neat, huh? That's what I mean by "rise above"...

Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 31
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 31
Jtigger: Not quite sure what you meant about civil rights; I wasn't suggesting anybody get shortchanged. I was just saying I don't like the sh...ty attitude towards the kids. Its not right. And the last part?! I have NEVER cheated but been cheated on too many times to count! And had it thrown in my face! Have you ever had to come home to your house and find some other woman's "things" on your side of the closet?! And then have her gloat about it to you how she leaves her things around house, car, etc just so you'll know she's been there?! And I can honestly say, I've never cheated! you know hat, you're getting me upset right now so I'll stop typing because the memories are making me mad!

Joined: Mar 2002
Posts: 1,163
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Mar 2002
Posts: 1,163
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I'm an advocate for civil rights and you cannot diminish the rights of one segment of the population to enhance the rights of another.

Thats it, I'm done. I was run off once before and I guess I'm going again.
The fact is an OW cannot understand a BS POV and vice versa. I know many of you OW claim to be a BS also, but you cannot understand the POV of a person that has never cheated.
But before I go I want to say that no, my H has no contact with his child. And no CM and MO5, he is not a coward or irresponsible. He is a man that made what he thought was the best decision he could in an unwinnable situation. He, unlike you, holds no one but himself responsible for the decision he made.

Jtigger </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I do understand the point of someone who has never cheated, I spent many years in my marriage as a faithfull wife who would never ever do such a thing.. never even dreamed it possible. I know what it is like probably have been through it more than most on this site... when you are beat down for so long, you just never know what you might do.

we dont have to all agree to learn from each other.

I think if you and your husband do not want contact with his child, then that is best for you and for that child. so if that was the best your husband could do for that baby, then who am I to argue other wise, I am sure life is better for both your family and oc's family. I can see how many would benefit from that. I am not faulting you for that.

I am responsible for my self, if I wasnt, I would have just aborted and pretended it never happened, But no instead, I told my family and friends and worked through it all and had my baby, and am taking care of her.

I did feel om was a coward, so did he, he told me that, I knew he was capable of so much more, it took him one week after the baby was born to change his mind.

I am not the norm I know, But I dont think you should think I am attacking just because I know there are other ways to work on things, and a different one worked for me and my husband.

Joined: Jul 1999
Posts: 472
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jul 1999
Posts: 472
you don't think that by having a child against the father's wishes, the OW has made a decision to become a parent, whether the other parent involved has the desire or not. I don't advocate abortion, but she had the option to put the child up for adoption and not involve an unwilling man and his family in her life.
To me when the OW gets pregnant and keeps it against the father's wishes, she has made a decision to go it alone. Especially if he tells her he doesn't want to father her child.
These ideas are just totally unrealistic and selfish.

Joined: Mar 2002
Posts: 1,163
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Mar 2002
Posts: 1,163
well if you new my story you would know I did choose to go it alone, in fact husband and om wanted nothing to do with it, so I told them both good by and I was prepared to go it alone and would have and done just fine.
They just happened to change their mind along the way and are now grateful, I ignored them.
but again I can only speak for me.

Joined: Mar 2002
Posts: 1,163
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Mar 2002
Posts: 1,163
These ideas are totally selfish and unrealistic...

I guess both parties could feel that to some degree.

Joined: Mar 2002
Posts: 593
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Mar 2002
Posts: 593
dp

<small>[ November 25, 2002, 08:53 PM: Message edited by: CMiranda ]</small>

Joined: Mar 2002
Posts: 593
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Mar 2002
Posts: 593
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Texasgirl:
<strong>you don't think that by having a child against the father's wishes, the OW has made a decision to become a parent, whether the other parent involved has the desire or not. I don't advocate abortion, but she had the option to put the child up for adoption and not involve an unwilling man and his family in her life.
To me when the OW gets pregnant and keeps it against the father's wishes, she has made a decision to go it alone. Especially if he tells her he doesn't want to father her child.
These ideas are just totally unrealistic and selfish.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Don't know if you are directing your question to me or not. My ex was not unwilling in any aspect of my involvment with him, up to conceiving and giving birth.
But, for the record, if any man wants to cry innocent bystander, and tells his spouse he didn't want to father her child, I'd hope it was pre-conception. Otherwise, unless he keeps his pants on, those are only words. Meaninless to my ears.

CM

Joined: Mar 2002
Posts: 593
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Mar 2002
Posts: 593


<small>[ November 25, 2002, 08:53 PM: Message edited by: CMiranda ]</small>

Joined: Mar 2002
Posts: 593
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Mar 2002
Posts: 593
dp

<small>[ November 25, 2002, 08:51 PM: Message edited by: CMiranda ]</small>

Joined: Mar 2002
Posts: 593
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Mar 2002
Posts: 593
JT,

There you go again, making assumptions and accusations. Not to mention judgements. With that, you and whomever will hear the cold hard facts of MY experience. Not my SPECULATION. If the word condom should come up, so be it.
Civil rights? Oh, my Lord,lets not cry wolf. Now we're advocating violating civil rights?! I'm chuckling now.
Oh, and who do I hold responsible again? Thats a good one. You have no idea! I don't blame other people for my actions and IF you have ever actually comprehended my posts, you'd know that already. I've said it since day one.
Don't bother to answer me, you said you were done and that is good with me. Your playing the victim, by claiming to be run off of here because someone doesn't agree with every cyber word you type. Blaming someone else yet again.
Hopefully those who feel run off can find the support they are looking for or support for the endless complaining, blaming, and foul name calling. I hope you and anyone else who is run off get what you need and are looking for.

CM[/QB][/QUOTE]

Joined: Mar 2002
Posts: 593
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Mar 2002
Posts: 593
dp

Page 9 of 10 1 2 7 8 9 10

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 1,254 guests, and 50 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Mike69, petercgeelan, Zorya, Reyna98, Nofoguy
71,829 Registered Users
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2019, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5