My problem has a wrinkle in it that I have not seen specifically addressed in your books or website. First, I'll provide a brief statement of my relationship. I have been living with a woman for 4 years. She has 3 children from her marriage. It was the second affair she had during her 9-year marriage. The first was while she was engaged. Her marriage ended two years after we started seeing one another. Our relationship started just like many you describe in your written works. She was lonely and we were friends. She is exceptionally smart and attractive. Although not married (her choice) we lived as a couple.<br> It should not have surprised me when I discovered she was having an affair last year. It was devastating to me. I had always been honest and open, and although she was more guarded with her feelings, I thought she was honest. To my embarrassment, I had to stoop to low measures to uncover her relationship. She would not admit to it until I had overwhelming evidence. When she finally confessed, she said that she realized how much she loved me during her affair and wants me. One week later she went to New York City for the day with him - without telling me. That was more devastating than the first admission.<br> It has been 5 months since that time. She no longer sees him. During that time we have stayed together, but she has done little to help our relationship. She has friends from work with whom she socializes and I never meet them. She has male friends at the gym and work that I never meet. I realize that I am probably wrong to stay, but here is my wrinkle. I have found that she lies to everybody – her mother, sisters, friends, strangers, business associates, and me. And she lies, often times, for no apparent reason. When confronted with evidence that she is lying, she just denies it.<br> My questions for you are:<br>(1) Do you have any explanation why she might feel she should lie to everybody and is there a way to make her stop?<br>(2) Should I leave her, even though she might have problems that causes her to lie?<br>(3) How much spying is considered to be reasonable, when a spouse will not admit to an affair when you know it to be true?<p>Thank you for considering my situation. Believe it, or not, I do love this woman very much.<br>

Liars are hard to deal with, whether they are your mate or not. You never know who they are, from one moment to the next. I speak from experience. I was married to a man like this. He lied when the truth would be easier. Not only did he lie, but he conveniently "omitted" important things, which I look upon as deceit too. He would lie to impress people, he would lie to friends, family and even to strangers. He took perverse pleasure in lying about others and causing trouble between people. He was not happy unless he was lying, making someone...anyone, miserable. He lost jobs and would lie about the reasons why....he did whatever he wanted to and I, like a fool believed him, and he always said that he loved me and didnt want to lose me. He did lose me after 7 years, and at that point he simply killed all the love and trust I had ever felt.<br>Why does she lie? She is mentally sick and needs serious help. No you cant make her stop. Like a drug addict or alcoholic, she needs to admit her problem and willingly seek help. but you or someone has to go with her, because she will lie about going to therapy.<br>Should you leave her? This is something that you alone must decide. You must confront her. why cant you meet her friends? Probably because she lies to them about you...who knows? She may tell them that you are just platonic friends or a cousin. Sounds ridiculous, but we're talking about a liar.<br>How much spying is reasonable? I think you have enough proof to know in your heart that she is a true liar and a cheat. Do you want to spend the rest of your precious life trying to rehabilitate her? If so then you both have to go to counceling. she cant be trusted to go alone. If she refuses to get help then what options do you have? You love her very deeply and that is sad, because in the end she will destroy you...or at least it will seem that way for awhile until you get your pride and witts back. If she loves you and gives a darn she will gladly seek help at the thought of losing you. Dont keep playing those games with her...dont give up your dignity. Love is not supposed to hurt like that. God bless you.<p>[This message has been edited by hopeful2 (edited 02-08-99).]<p>[This message has been edited by hopeful2 (edited 02-08-99).]

I have a daughter who lies all the time. She can't help it. I went to a medical library to look up pathological lying and found it's called pseudologica fantastica. Its also associated with munchausen and the imposter syndrome where they pretend to be someone they're not, such as a doctor. Now it's not to say for girlfriend has a mental disorder. Perhaps there's a deep emotional problem stemming from her past but it isn't a mental problem. Or it could be a moral problem. My daughter will probably never be okay. Can you live with that possibility? Hope all turns out okay as you obviously care about her. She's a lucky girl.