Okay...today took the day off from work (seem to be needing that lately) but anyway, home watching Creflo Dollar. The message was on longsuffering.

So, the pastor's words led me to my posting....pastor Dollar says that suffering does nothing for us - it's what we do and think while we are suffering that makes the difference. It's sort of like attitude over circumstances (my words not his). You soar higher with a better attitude than a bad one.

He went on to say that when satan brings suffering and sin into our life that we should choose a good attitude, an attitude of looking towards God, an attitude of whatever is going on now is worth it in the end if our eye is on God. (simplified) He used the example of a track runner or a football player enduring camp. Enduring the pain but knowing that the end prize is a superbowl ring or a championship or a trophy..That's what makes it all worth it.

He says that no matter what satan brings into our lives that God can overcome it. Not that he has a magic wand (because magic is of the devil) but that God can overcome it by showing the devil and showing the world that HE is almighty and can use us in the depths of our despair to handle finances, handle death, handle loss, handle sickness, etc. (He didn't use infidelity as an example but it's still a sin that the devil brings to us)

Pastor says that God can't use us if our attitude stinks - if our attitude is not right. He says....look at how wonderful God is that he can take bad situations and turn them into his will for HIS glory!

So, I guess my posting is about my attitude...can it be that simple? When does that attitude change - is it so simple as saying "I'm gonna get through this and whatever the outcome is is in God's hands and He knows better for me than I know for myself." I guess I have conflict with the grief I am experiencing and this "attitude" change..... Is it okay to still feel some pain and still move on to a new attitude?

Thoughts? Calling all Christians.....help me out with this one!

Angelia

Angelia,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So, I guess my posting is about my attitude...can it be that simple?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sort of.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">When does that attitude change - is it so simple as saying "I'm gonna get through this and whatever the outcome is is in God's hands and He knows better for me than I know for myself."</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Don't I wish it were that easy. Although I think that helps us sometimes, just saying it won't do much good. I have found that my attitude started to change when I really, really trusted God to do what he said He would. As I did, he revealed things to me. One day, even though none of my circumstances changed God gave me complete peace for three days. I still had thoughts about my W and OM. Everything was as it was the days before. But he gave me peace. That told me that even if I couldn't take it any more and my M would end, He would take care of the pain and help me go on. Every time I got up the urge to check up on my W, He reminded me that she was in his hands (I still checked up on her sometimes though, and found out she was in God's hands).

Trust God to do what he says He will. He's not to small. Trusting God allowed me to really work on myself and do a good Plan A. It gave me confidence that my W saw and started to trust me. It allowed me to be consistant, so my W could trust the changes God was doing in my life to benifit our M.

It's not easy to trust God. Sometimes you need to hold yourself back with every ounce of strength you have. The first time is the hardest, because you're not sure if He will come through for you. But when you see Him working in your life, in your H's life and then on your M, you start to get confidence; not in God's ability to do things, but in your ability to trust Him to do things.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I guess I have conflict with the grief I am experiencing and this "attitude" change..... Is it okay to still feel some pain and still move on to a new attitude?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You bet it's ok to feel the pain. The pain is just telling you that something is wrong and you need to work on something. Moving on shoud be the process of you dealing with the pain. Everyone here has had some kind of pain. Many the same pain you are feeling. I don't know how people deal with it without God helping them. Some take medication. I had to in order to sleep at nights for the first 3 months. Your pain will start to go away as God becomes more precious in your life.

I hope this has helped you in some way. Keep us posted. If you want tell cajunky on the "Restoration of Marriages..." thread know you want to be included in our weekly prayers. You should see what is happening in his life.

My prayers to you. God bless you and your family.

Love in Christ.

S&C

Angelia…
Is it really that easy??? YES, it is..

But the problem is .. We are human and just to surrender our will and our problems is not at all easy…

You and I have had many discussions about this whole mess. I have been through all of this too… I found that my attitude was putting a major damper on my recovery.
I expected for H to be completely repentant… and kiss my feet (and my butt) every day…
He on the other hand felt that I should just accept his apology and move on… Unbelievable!

It took me a long time to realize, I have to “Let go and Let God.” I had to turn over all my worries.. all my insecurities .. EVERYTHING about this whole confusing mess and ask the Lord to use me to better my marriage. I shed tons of tears in the process… it was not easy… even though the results are easier… the steps to get there are painful and embarrassing.

A friend of mine sent me a book, Power of a Praying Wife… and I have been reading it a little a time… she even sent me a workbook that goes along with it… I have realized, that I hadn’t been praying FOR my husband. It never occurred to me that I wasn't praying FOR him, but praying ABOUT him. I have since been saying a prayer for my H each day.. and extra prayers when we argue, which has become much less.

Surrendering your problems is the KEY… Then the Lord can work with you and that will improve your attitude…
In my belief, for any one of us to try to work this out on our own is asking for failure. Giving the Lord the WHOLE situation and letting him work it through with us is the BEST way to Suceed.

Praying for you, my friend….
Much love and hugs!

Steaadfast & Stacia:

First, steadfast....this statement got to me...
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> That told me that even if I couldn't take it any more and my M would end, He would take care of the pain and help me go on. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am tired of being in pain. There is not a day yet where there has been peace. And believe me, above all I pray for peace.

Stacia, </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> It took me a long time to realize, I have to “Let go and Let God.” I had to turn over all my worries.. all my insecurities .. EVERYTHING about this whole confusing mess and ask the Lord to use me to better my marriage. I shed tons of tears in the process… it was not easy… even though the results are easier… the steps to get there are painful and embarrassing.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Maybe today is just another one of the many bad days but I feel like I've lost my ability to let go and let God.

Let me explain....Each time I look at him and wonder how he could have done this I wonder where god is. Each time I look at him and realize more and more that the love I had for him is almost gone....I wonder where God is. Each time he says that we need to move on...I wonder where god is. Each time I have to request that we do a questionnaire, read a book, etc. I wonder where God is. Each time I cry...I wonder where God is.
You don't even know the pain it causes for me to say that much. God has been in my life since childhood. God took me through sexual abuse, divorce from H #1, the adoption of a child, remarriage, racial issues and other stuff just to leave me wondering where he is now.

I believe God is big enough to handle this but I keep wondering when and where. Oh, I know that I played a part in the affair...I played the part where I wasn't perfect and he decided to have an affair. I played the part where I wasn't apparently all he needed so he chose someone else but ya know what....I also played the part where my vows meant something. I also played the part where I stood by his side every step of our marriage in some very unpleasant situations only to be crapped on by his affair and this possible oc. I truthfully don't feel like being married anymore and I think that's where God is right now. I feel like taking God's way out to me and letting it be. I feel like I will be better off, mentally and financially without my husband. I feel like I'm settling for less than God's best by staying.

And ya know what is keeping me here....I don't want the ow to win. Now, how frickin pathetic is that. I can't believe I said it but that's how I feel. I stay right now because I don't want her to have him. (And despite what he says about her, I think that if I left either right away or in time he'd go there...he likes familiar territory).

Oh, gosh, I started out wondering about my attitude and I see that it's not very good. I keep thinking I can 'snap' myself out of this funk.

I've had so much good advice from so many people on this board (and in private e-mails) and I wonder why am I taking so long to get through this.

I just hate so much this whole situation and I see NO way for God to use it to His glory. UGHHHHHHHHH.

angelia

Angelia,

Letting go and letting God doesn't mean that we will get the result we want (short term). It means that we get the result that is best for us (long term).

God's glory will be seen when you come out of this a better person. With or without your H. Have you done the best you could to save the M? If you have, then I believe you have been obedient to God in everything. God will take care of you if you decide to leave him.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">And ya know what is keeping me here....I don't want the ow to win. Now, how frickin pathetic is that. I can't believe I said it but that's how I feel. I stay right now because I don't want her to have him. (And despite what he says about her, I think that if I left either right away or in time he'd go there...he likes familiar territory).</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">OW wins nothing if you leave. What exactly does the OW get if your H goes to her? She gets exactly what you see in him right now. If she gets a person like that, what has she won? At some point she will get the same grief and pain you are getting. However, you lose when things stay the way they are right now. If you really want to win, things have to change right now.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I feel like taking God's way out to me and letting it be. I feel like I will be better off, mentally and financially without my husband. I feel like I'm settling for less than God's best by staying. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Some people may think that I say stay in the M at all costs. I don't. I just ask people if they have really tried their best to save it and have they done things to improve who they are. If Plan A hasn't started to bring your H to his senses then your next step is to Plan B. That means, if you have made the changes that stopped the behavior that pushed you H away and he didn't respond by comng back, then Plan B is in order. But plan B will only be effective if you still hold some love for your H and will accept him back should he want to return and prove NC with the OW. If you no longer have the ability to love your H and the Love Bank is completely overdrawn, then Plan D is the option to choose. If you have done these things then no matter what your decision is, you can hold your head up high and know that God will take care of you. If you believe God has better plans for you w/o H then it's time to go. I think God will bless you and you will have peace.

Father, I ask that you wrap your loving arms around my sister right now. She needs your love and tender mercy. Lift her up and give her confidence of your presence while she's in your care. The enemy would like to keep her in torment, but that is not your will. Your will is for her to be free from the his grasp. Remind her she is free. Free to pursue your plan for her. Free to recieve the wonderful give of peace, restoration in you and the abundant life you have promised.

Lord I thank you for the work you are ready to do in her life now. Give her confidence as she moves through your will. In your Son's glorious name I pray. Amen.

Love in Christ.

S&C

Let me start by saying I'm just a LOST sheep trying to find her way back home to My Lord. Angelia, I understand completely how you feel and you're entitled to those feelings. I'm married close to 18 years and have been through countless affairs as I'm married to a sex addict. The past 4 years have been outrageous. I actually tried to commit suicide and spent 4 days in a cardiac care unit. There were times when I dropped to me knees in tears and cried to my Lord to change the situation that I'm in ( this was before this OW & OC) But nothing changed. I began to go to church, read my Bible and other self help books from time to time and still nothing changed, actually things are worse. I've had the same feeling you have and I'll also tell you this. I'm not leaving my H until I've done all I can do to try and save my Marriage and I'm not giving in to the OW. (Where for what God has joined together let not man/woman put asunder)
I find many answers now by doing a Bible study weekly. I too watch Creflo Dollar and I'm moved even more by TD Jakes. I've said all this to say that I've recently had a revelation and many of those feelings you're talking about have settled down a great deal. The Key lies in my Faith and my ability to forgive. In addition to praying for my H and the ow I say the following daily out loud but not around H.

H I release you, I let you go. I cast all hatred, bitterness and unforgivingness upon my Christ within to be healed and resolved.
I then pray for discernment and I also pray for my Gardian Angle step in and help bring all of this to a peaceful resolution. Since I began to do these things its like a calmness has come over me that I can't believe myself.

I pray that you find peace within. Stay strong.

Dee

S&C, I had to read and re-read your post several times. H's affair went on for nearly 1.5 to 2 years. Then there's a year where ow and possible oc were in the picture but he wasn't sleeping with her, so technically I guess he had come to his senses and was not in an affair - but I'm not sure what you call that. Anyway, I don't know what plan I'm in...Years ago I had the feeling that things were not going right and I read and read books, read the bible,prayed, etc. I read books like surviving an affair way before I even knew there was an affair. Somehow deep down I knew something was wrong but had no proof. H has never left our home and I don't think he had any intentions of doing so (conflict avoider affair - all sex, no emotions) but classifying it doesn't help my emotions right now.
I think I was in plan A long before I knew what plan A was. And all along my love bank was being depleted because of lies. Ya know someone after years of marriage and although I didn't have any real proof I just knew he was lying.
The weekend I got the paternity suit I was actually going to tell him that I was leaving because we were going no where. I knew he was lying for years and I just couldn't handle it anymore. He was gonna have to choose, the truth or me. So, I guess that would have maybe been a plan B? Three years of lies does something to a marriage.

So, where am I now? I don't know. He is completely comfortable at home. He is remorseful, has been completely honest, had decided a long time ago what he wanted to do with ow and possible oc. He does the questionnaires, has read excerpts from many different books and is completely accountable for his time, passwords, and money.

Again, where does that leave me? I just don't know. My feelings are NOT the same anymore. I think they were not the same when I got the paternity suit. I mean, if you're already at the point where you are ready to separate and then you get a paternity suit which reveals affair, lies, etc...then maybe you're pretty much done emotionally, again, I don't know.

That is where my conflict lies...within myself.

I'd be happy to give you my e-mail address if you'd like to share with me personally and if you prefer not to do that then we can continue this on the board.

Have I done everything to save my M? Right now, I don't think that I can shoulder much more of saving this. I somehow think that he should bear some of that weight and just coming home and professing his love, sharing his passwords, cell phone, etc. is not enough.

I can tell you that I have not forgiven him just yet. I am working on that but no, it hasn't happened. I feel disgust, betrayal, hatred, anger, love, jealousy, and sometimes I just feel nothing towards him.

So, S&C, if you can help me, please do....I thank you for your prayers. I just cry out to God and I know He hears me. I just want some peace. Again, with or without my hubby.

Thanks and talk to ya soon

Angelia

Angelia,

Don't have time to post much on weekends. Will get back to you as soon as I can. Glad to see you posted on the restoration thread. Having others pray for and with you works wonders.

Looks like Twila and I are neighbors. I hope your feeling better today. Will be thinking about you this keeping you in prayer this weekend.

Blessing on you.

S&C

Angleia,

I am coming out of semi-retirement to respond to you. (I was posting and spending too much of my work time on this board and I am trying to reform. I haven't posted in weeks, but I still do occasionally read. I felt I had to respond to you.

I see working on your attitude as a process, just like I see forgiveness--human forgiveness that is. God's forgiveness is instant and permanent as if our sins had been cast to the bottom of the ocean.

So, every single time the hurt, pain and anger over my H's A and OC came up, I prayed immediately. I'd pass the problem on to God. I put my problem in his hands. Five minutes later, I would find that I had snuck up on God and stolen my problem back from him. I'd pray and return it to God. Then a few minutes later....you get the picture. Some days it looked like a darn tennis match and I was getting whiplash from grabbing my problem back from God and running off in a little corner to rub salt into my own wounds. (You might also want to try getting some books on cognitive therapy for learning how to talk back to your thoughts.)

Here is a discussion my best friend and I had about suffering.

-----------

She sent me this by email:

There was a group in a Bible study on the book of Malachi. As they were studying, they came across chapter 3 verse 3, which says: "He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver". This verse puzzled them and they wondered what this statement meant about the character and nature of God. One of the women offered to find out about the process of refining silver and report back to the group the next week.

That week she called a silversmith and made an appointment to watch him at work. She didn't mention anything about the reason for her interest in silver beyond her curiosity about the process of refining silver.

As she watched the silversmith, he held a piece of silver over the fire and let it heat up. He explained that in refining silver, one holds the silver in the middle of the fire where the flames are hottest to burn away all the impurities. The woman thought about God holding us in such a hot spot. Then she thought again about the verse; "He sits as a refiner and purifier of silver". She asked the silversmith if it was true that he had to sit there in front of the fire the whole time the silver was being refined. The man answered, "Yes, I not only have to sit there holding the silver, but I have to keep my eyes on it the entire time it is in the fire. If the silver is left even a moment too long in the flames, it will be destroyed."

The woman was silent for a moment. Then she asked the silversmith, "How do you know when the silver is fully refined?" He smiled at her and answered, "Oh, that's easy - when I see my image in it."

If today you are feeling the heat of the fire, remember that God has His eye on you and He will keep watching you until He sees His image in you.

---------

I phoned her and left an voicemail asking basically, "does it matter that while you are in the fire you are hissing and spitting and arguing with the lump of silver next to you?"

------------

She wrote back:

I didn't get to call you back, so thought I'd send a quick note. Your voice mail totally made me laugh out loud.

I decided that if it was ok for the Israelites to whine and complain in the desert after Moses delivered them from slavery, then it is ok for us to complain a bit. And, I'll tell ya, those guys really whined and complained. =)

---------------

I wrote back:

Maybe whining is part of the process of getting the impurities out. That's my theory and I'm sticking to it.

But I suppose the sooner you stop whining and start reflecting God's face back to him, the sooner you get to get out of the fire.

-------------

In conclusion, she wrote back:

I think whining is part of the process. When things burn they crackle and make noise, that must be the whining.

--------

I guess I gave myself permission to feel as miserable about this for as long as I needed to. (IOW: Don't shortcut the grief process by engaging in denial.) At the same time I was working on my recovery (refinement) by constantly turning my anger, grief, rage, depression and general misery over to God.

Shalom,
MJ

<small>[ January 21, 2003, 10:46 AM: Message edited by: MaryJanes ]</small>

MJ: Thanks for coming out of retirement to answer me. I too sometimes feel that this board is too consuming - especially right now but at the same time I have no one else to talk to. Our family, his family, surely not mine and none of my friends know. So, thanks for the response.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I'd pass the problem on to God. I put my problem in his hands. Five minutes later, I would find that I had snuck up on God and stolen my problem back from him. I'd pray and return it to God. Then a few minutes later....you get the picture. Some days it looked like a darn tennis match and I was getting whiplash from grabbing my problem back from God and running off in a little corner to rub salt into my own wounds. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I absolutely love that and can say that yes, that's me. I do the exact same thing. Which is probably why my H feels like I'm rubbing his face into this daily (sometimes hourly).

Do you know of any good books on cognitive thinking...not sure that's a self-help area that I've been into yet...but ya know...I've been tearing up the library lately.

Part of my problem is that I don't think God is hearing my prayers. I know he is but I don't feel it. I just have to keep doing it. His will not mine.

Thanks,

A

Angelia,

I'm glad you read my post several time because my W's A had been ongoing for about 3 years from what I can tell. And she had 2 ONS while on business trips back in the late 80's. My W has on a number of occasions asked me "What if I were to get pregnant again?" during those three years. I got fixed about four years ago, so even though she was never pregnant, I still got the thrill of the rollercoaster ride from that question.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I guess he had come to his senses and was not in an affair - but I'm not sure what you call that.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That is called an Emotional Affair (EA)

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Three years of lies does something to a marriage.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yep, it sure does. It makes you realize that the vows are just words unless you have something that helps you carry it out and fulfill them (trust in God).

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He is completely comfortable at home. He is remorseful, has been completely honest, had decided a long time ago what he wanted to do with ow and possible oc. He does the questionnaires, has read excerpts from many different books and is completely accountable for his time, passwords, and money.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Is this after the paternity?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My feelings are NOT the same anymore. I think they were not the same when I got the paternity suit. I mean, if you're already at the point where you are ready to separate and then you get a paternity suit which reveals affair, lies, etc...then maybe you're pretty much done emotionally, again, I don't know.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I wouldn't expect them to be. If you are at the point of separation I would ask you one question. What would you want your separation to result in? Your love for your H is based on the way he treats you (or the deposits he makes in your love bank). Your Agape is based on God's view of your H and your ability show him that love. I hated what my W did to me. But I knew that my role in this was to be obedient to God and he would work in my life. Whether or not my M was saved I was to be obedient and God would work miracles and either save my M or I get divorced. If we got divorced, then He would be able to keep me sane while I recovered from the trial. Once I recovered, God would bless me again with a wife that would be worthy of the person I had become in the process. All of this has been as much a work on me as it has been a work on my W.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That is where my conflict lies...within myself.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Actually the conflict is with God and the enemy. Our confict is whether or not to accept God's promises to us, even if it means we will go through the fire. I think MaryJanes post is quite appropriate here. I don't think God will keep you in the fire too long.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Have I done everything to save my M? Right now, I don't think that I can shoulder much more of saving this. I somehow think that he should bear some of that weight and just coming home and professing his love, sharing his passwords, cell phone, etc. is not enough.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but I didn't ask if you felt your H has done everything he can. I asked if you felt that you've done everything you can? You cannot control or make your H do anything, so you can only be responsible for what you have control over, YOU. You are the only one that can do everything in your power to save the M. I know you are tired of the crap. But the crap will continue as long as your H is in the fog. He'll stay in the fog until a bright beaken cuts through the fog and gets his attention. It might be revelation from God or a Plan B letter or you doing such a great Plan A that he starts to see the things in you that OW has been providing and does a 180 and comes back. Don't worry about the out come of the M. Let God worry about that. You get closer to God and he will do things iin your life. Things that are good for you.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I can tell you that I have not forgiven him just yet. I am working on that but no, it hasn't happened. I feel disgust, betrayal, hatred, anger, love, jealousy, and sometimes I just feel nothing towards him.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">God taught me what forgiveness was shortly before my first d-day. He said that forgiveness is giving up your "right" to retaliate. It doesn't mean that everything is ok. It doesn't mean that I condoned what happened. It doesn't mean that I no longer have those feelings of disgust, betrayal, hatred, anger, etc.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Again, where does that leave me? I just don't know.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Where you've always been. In the arms of God.

If you want to give me your e-mail address that's ok. I probably would want someone else included in any e-mails we send to keep us both accountable. I hope that's ok with you?

Sorry this is long.

Bless you and keep the Lord first.

S&C

S&C: I must have missed something and I don't know what that is....but...My H is not in any affair with the ow. He came out of his fog all on his own about a year or so before I became aware of the ow/possible oc.

Yes, H is completely comfortable at home. He got comfortable truly after I found out whole sordid mess. The weight of the world had been lifted off his shoulders. He told me last night that all he has been through with me since d-day is not even half as bad as lying to me daily for years. Not as bad as doing things he knew he shouldn't be doing. WOW!

I have been reading a book called Loving What Is. I wish I could explain this book but in essence it's about me. I would encourage everyone to read it. It is not written by a Christian woman however it is very valuable information. It's all about our minds and finding what is true and what is not. Helping us to understand reality and non-reality. And truthfully to come to understand that what is, just is. Life is happening around me and whether I accept this or not, it's here and it's happening. So, then what? How do you get your mind out of that rut - and ways to do that.

Yes, I am in God's arms. I have always been. I have absolutely NO IDEA what God is doing. But it doesn't matter that I don't know what He's doing - HE DOES!

Today is a pretty good day - I guess we have those...good and bad ones.

Angelia

Hi angelia,
I believe that God has listened to all your concerns. I think that probably your H is too comfy to realize what he has done to you. Is he doing everything you need for him to do to reassure you and to help you win back some trust?

Shoving your hurt feelings under the rug is (IMO) NOT adjusting your attitude. You know, this is not something that you can just shove under the rug so again, I commend you for being able to let your feelings out here. Too bad no one knows what you are going through because you sound to me like you need a support system.

Nothing will ever make what your H has done to you right. Nothing. God is willing to heal all your wounds, in fact, He's the only one who you can fully trust with all your pain. I just don't think it is a good idea to completely isolate yourself from your family and friends? But I'm sure you have a good reason.

Can you talk to your pastor or someone in leadership at your church? I can't remember if you said you were attending church. It's easy for someone to say change your attitude and snap, just like that it will change, but, angelia, our attitudes are shaped by our thinking. You need to change your mindsets.

You said that your mind is pretty much made up that it's over. So until you are willing to change that inner frame of mind, you can't expect your outward attitudes or actions to snap! change just like that. It's a process.

It's a process of seeing your H as the man God created him to be right now (by faith) and believing the best of him. Seeing your H as God sees him--reaching his full potential as the loving husband you hoped for him to be, but believing that right now. It's about honoring your H right now, when he doesn't even deserve it. It's about not doing or saying anything that would cause him shame, even tho he totally (TOTALLY) deserves it. To me, THAT'S how you "let God" do what God needs to do. And nope, 'taint easy at all! In fact, it is doing what the bible says to do to "crucify our flesh" and "walk in the spirit"--the spirit of faith.

That's where God's pruning comes in. It hurts to have to cut off things about ourselves that might be in God's way. But... we have to let him prune us so we can bear more excellent fruit.

Have more faith in the unseen, faith in God's ability in impossible situations, faith in the great love God has for you. Will not the Judge of the earth do right by you, after He has given His life for you? What justice would he withhold from you??? I believe He will do right by you.

When? In His timing. How? Can't give that answer either. Is He willing? Absolutely. When do we give up hope? Never.

Hang in there, my friend...

<small>[ January 22, 2003, 11:27 AM: Message edited by: BINthereDUNthat ]</small>

BTDT: Thank you for your words. They were not harsh and certainly no offense taken. Yes, my mindset is not where it should be. You are completely right. I have been having an almost defeatest attitude since this whole thing started. I guess part of it is the self-esteem issues..ya know, why did he pick me over her, etc...and, if I was so great, then why was he having an affair...all the emotions and thoughts that go with the affair.

Yes, I am coming to grips somehow that hubby, too, is just another human being, that makes mistakes and in God's book there is no big or little sin. My sins are just different than his. (I guess that's where the forgiveness starts in knowing that we all sin).

God I believe directed me for a brief while to the recovery board where I corresponded with Twyla...If any of you can read some of her posts they are wonderful. In addition to that, I believe God led me to a book recently called Loving What Is....it's all about mindsets and reality. I have been spending a lot of time reading it and doing the work. Amazing that in just a couple of days how my attitude has changed. I do believe that God can use the work of others to help us along.

Anyway, to respond to the comfiness of H...no, he's not entirely too comfortable because I'm being brutal (yes, I admit it). I think all of this is uncomfortable for him but when I say he's comfortable I mean that the way he used to look for lies before - he doesn't do that now. He accounts for his time, money, passwords, etc. I used to know he was lying but had no proof. You know those things about your soul-mate. Anyway, at home now, he is more relaxed because there's none of that dishonesty between us.

I do not have a support system. I have one friend here that knows and that's it. I have some of the ladies here who allow me to e-mail them off-line but I almost feel guilty doing that because they all have their own lives with their own issues and I just feel like me dumping on them might bring up all their pain and that is NEVER my intention.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Have more faith in the unseen, faith in God's ability in impossible situations, faith in the great love God has for you. Will not the Judge of the earth do right by you, after He has given His life for you? What justice would he withhold from you??? I believe He will do right by you.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, I believe all that too. He did give his life for me. He can do all things and nothing is impossible for Him. BTDT, I would be lying though if I said that I didn't want God to do it my way! haha!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

All in all, you are exactly correct. I will never get past this if I don't allow my H to be a sinner - if I don't see him as anything better or if I don't see him like God sees him. God tells us that we can all come to him - He tells us we are ALL sinners and fall short! He also tells us that he will bring us to Glory. So, again, thank you, thank you!!!

I believe God will show us the way and we'll be fine - just one day at a time....For I don't know if tomorrow will come.

Thanks!!!

Angelia

Hi Angelia,

You sound better today.

I was aware by your posts that your H was no longer in the affair with OW. But you've been aware of the only as of 11/15/02. That's only two months to deal with this, and not really knowing about OC; well, that just adds to the situation.

Your H's "comfiness" is probably because the A is history to him. He has had over a year to move on. While you on the other hand just became aware of it. So he's had time you haven't to deal with everything.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, I am coming to grips somehow that hubby, too, is just another human being, that makes mistakes and in God's book there is no big or little sin. My sins are just different than his. (I guess that's where the forgiveness starts in knowing that we all sin).</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You're absolutly right. Seeing our sins and knowing that they are forgiven helps us to see ourselves the way Christ sees us. Then it is easier for us to see others the way He sees them.

BTDT is right about asking you about what support you have available. You really need to have people close to help you. You should really confide in someone (female) at the church you go to. It will help a lot. I'm glad to hear about the book you are reading and that it is helping.

Blessing to you.

S&C