My husband abused me on March 31, 2003. He thought that I knew about him "advertizing " himself on the net. On top of that,he's having a sexual affair with another woman. Since then, I have tried to go to marriage counseling, and spoke about the "findings". He promised to stop lying, and seeing her. He is also going to counseling for "Anger Management". I am going for Domestic Violence. I still want my marriage to work, as crazy as it sounds. We've been married for 12 years, and was a relationship of "peacefulness" until now. We are living separate because of the court order. In the year 2001, he claimed to be "impetent", and we have not made love since. He have tried "viagra", says it made him feel like he was having a "heart attack". so I never "tried" for love making since that day. I felt that he would speak to his doctor, and find a solution when he was ready. I have been faithful in our marriage, I so believe in those "vows". It really hurts to know that he's been with another woman, and to this day,even knowing I know, he still sees her. I'm so broken, I don't know which way to turn. It seems as if Counseling isn't helping. Any suggestions?

<small>[ May 30, 2003, 03:12 PM: Message edited by: rkinney1 ]</small>

I am sorry that you are dealing with this. I just read an article today about "infidelity as abuse" at

http://www.batteredmen.com/batinfid.htm

that you might want to read.

Just to clarify - are you two going to counseling together? You have a court order as a protective or no-contact order? I don't think it sounds crazy for you to want to repair your marriage - but I do think that you can find some positive things to do while you're apart, like working on centering yourself. You aren't to blame for his behavior - and if he is abusive towards you (and you towards him?), maybe you can use this time as self-discovery.

Maybe your H is having a mid-life crisis, go to this page and see what you think:

http://www.psychologytoday.com/HTDocs/prod/PTOInfo/pto_term_mid-life.asp

I am sorry for your pain and I wish you the best.

Thank you for "listening" to my pain. We are not going to marriage counseling,and
hardly ever talk. If anything, I'm always the one calling him, and thenit's through his
pager he has from work. He refuses to give me his cell phone number, has since purchased a new vehicle. He says if all goes well on our court date (7-9-03),
that he wants to move back in, with separate bedrooms. He told me that he "fell" out
of love with me two years ago,and didn't know how to "turn" back. Just wish this whole thing was over, I hate it. My family says leave him, and I just feel so helpless because we haven't even discussed our problems. He refuses to answer any questions.
Hurt

Hi rkinney1,

I've read that porn addiction can lead to violence. I've also read that porn addiction and/or an affair can lead to sexual dysfunction when with the spouse. Where was he 'advertising' himself online? Was he visiting porn sites?

For your safety, I don't think it would be a good idea to let him move back in unless he successfully completes therapy for anger management and any other problems (maybe porn addiction).

He was "advertised" on Yahoo.com, yes he was into "porn sights" also, and is going through the "anger management " therapy now. My problem now is that he ha a cell phone, and refuses to give me his number. He says he'll straighten everything out when he gets home.
I want to believe him, but his dishonesty doesn't convince me that things will work out. He says he has spoke to his therapist, and knows that we need to spend more time together. Claims he fell out of love with me two years ago.
Thank you for listening, this is very difficult for me.

Hi rkinny1,
I can definitely sympathize with the pain you are going through.
I'm not so sure he is being honest either. Why does he say he'll work on it when he gets home?
Do you think that is just a form of manipulation.
To get him off of all court charges?? If he tells the judge you and him are back together, he is off of everything, he has gone to counseling, and so on. I'm sorry I don't think he is sincere. He knows how much you love him and want him home, and may use this to get out of the court process? What do you think?
And specifically he won't work on the relationship now, but will when he gets home?!!!
I don't know about that either. It seems if he
really wants to come home he would be working on it with you now. I would probably give him an
alternative, that until you trust him again, he cannot come home. Until you feel he is being honest with you. Do you know if he is still seeing the OW? I don't think things are clear
enough for you right now, and him coming home only on his terms is manipulation.
I'm sorry rkinny, but I think you are taking a big risk right now if you accept him back home.
He's not even talking to you now, it all seems so wrong. Please don't let him treat you like this. You give him the impression that you are too weak to live without him, and he uses you and manipulates you with that.
You can live without him, and I want you to say that many times a day. "I can live without _______!!" There is life after him!!! And a much better life!!!! Trust in the Lord with all your heart!!!

Praying for you,
God bless you!!!
-----ladysheep

Not sure about OW. He says he's not, but I don't believe it. Says he has to wait to work on our marriage, mainly because court ordered "no contact" with me until trial. And you're so right, he knows I love him, committed, and remain loyal. I need to just say I can live without him, and just "do it". Sometimes things are easier said than done. Can't believe it happened to me, my marriage, my life. Thanks for the advised, all will be considered.
Rkinney1

Oh, I see you aren't supposed to have any contact even "phone contact?" How long has he been away? If you survived with out him this long, it is possible.
I just don't think you have enough answers yet,
so it's not good timing, especially about the OW. Nothing has been worked on since the "order of protection and incident." It just seems to soon for him to come home as soon as trial is over. I just want you to remain "safe."
That is what an "order of protection is for."

I can't tell you what to do, this is just the way I see things, and I am concerned for you.

I believe marriages can be healed, but every situation is different. Safety is the main concern for you emotionally/physically/spiritually.

You can't make him love you, nobody can. If he doesn't have love in his heart, he can't love you or anyone else. If pornography is in his heart, he's really in trouble and anyone who gets around him will be hurt. Alot of people go back because it's what they are used too, and comfortable, but it doesn't make it the right thing to do.

I really hope and pray you make the right decision.

Sent with Love, -ladysheep

We are allowed "phone contact", approved by judge. On March 31st is when all this took place, and he was ordered to stay away. He keeps saying he doesn't know if he's going to have to serve time, so why try to "work" out anything until after the trial.
He really wants me to say that we are working on our relationship, but he won't make an effort. Like, have the mail for him sent back home, give me his cell phone number,
etc. He has said he's sorry, and it would never happen again. And, you're right, you can't make someone love you. I'm just so afraid. I'm 50 years old, and hate to start over. Thank you again.
rkinney1

Hi,
Just another thought.

I think you deserve someone else that you can remain loyal/faithful too. And that someone else, will love you and respect you enough to remain that way with you also.

You are trying to be the martyr in all of this.
You don't care that he don't love you, and will
accept him back not loving you, possible OW, and pornography. That is really a "sick thought", and I pray you will get counseling for that.

yes love + yes love = yes love

yes love + no love = no love

no love + no love = no love

You deserve so much better. Don't short yourself. Love yourself enough to say "I will not waste my life with a man who treats me like this"

You are important. Treat yourself to something good every day.

Sent with Love, -Ladysheep

Hi again,
I divorced back in 1998 to a very abusive man, and he did not love me either. I am now married to a man who is 51 years old (acts 12 sometimes, just kidding, he's very young at heart). We got married 2 years ago, and we have a 11 month old son. It is possible to start over. And starting over can be very exciting.

I understand you are scared right now, and it hurts, but I want you to have hope that better things can happen. It's not all over for you after divorce/separation.

Sent with Love, -Ladysheep

Yes, I have always been the "martyr" in this relationship. And, he says that he is working his feelings out for me with his counselor. And, I don't want to accept the
fact that if he comes home, he will live just as he has been. I am really considering about moving back to my home town, and get a "fresh" start. I know I shouldn't let age and having to find a new job get in my way. All of my family feel as you do, and they keep saying "please, don't make that mistake". Dumbfoundedly, I keep thinking I have a 50-50 chance. I just don't want to "lose".
You are very caring, thank you.

Hi again,
Yep, see he wants you to say he and you are working on the relationship, but he has made no
effort, so he wants you to "lie" for him. Don't lie for him. He isn't even allowing any communiction on the phone. That is not good. And that pretty much speaks for itself.

I am so glad your family is there for you, and
I think you will "win" by starting over, and the battle will be over. rkinny, he's the loser in it all, not you.

Sent with Love, -Ladysheep

Thank you, you're right, he does just want to "lesson" the punishment if he gets "jail" time. I wanted to file for a separation, go to counseling. My attorney says a "separation" can only be done if the other party agrees, and he won't, I tried.
So, I guess I'll have to file for divorce, and try to move on. You really have made me feel better.
Thank you

Hi again,
I'm so glad you are feeling better. I know you will get through it, and you are becoming stronger, and more confident already. That is sooo awesome!!!

I just know better things are going to happen for you!!!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Sent with Love, -Ladysheep

It's amazing!! My husband is on "house arrest", and is to only go to work and back to his nephews (that's where he lives) . Can you believe that this past Friday night, he went out to a bar (so he says). The way I found out is he called me Friday evening, and I returned his call. His nephew told me he was at work, so, I called his work. They said he never works nights
( I knew that), and I reported him to the detention center. I tell you, it's like an "obession", I
have for him. He calls me Saturday, and yells at me, and says "you are ruining my life'!!
So, Monday, he had to go to the detention center, and see his "worker". I bet you
they slapped his hands.
rkinney1

I reported him to the detention center.
Good for you!
Sucks to be him, eh?

Thank you, and believe me, I pray to God everyday in hopes that I'll be strong enough
to live my life without him. Amazing, how people you think you know change. I take
those marriage vows so seriously, not sure I do anymore.
rkinney1

Hi again,
Yep, you did the right thing calling the detention center. I don't think they will
"slap his hand" because that is a violation and
will be on the record when he goes to trial, and the judge will see that and make a determination of sentence based on that also. So it doesn't look good for him.

You did take your marriage vows seriously, but he
didn't. He broke the vows over and over. And now he will suffer the hurt it has caused. Sad to say, but true!!!!

Sent with Love, -Ladysheep

Well, this makes a second time for him being in violation,
and sadly, I hope you're right. It would be so wonderful to find
someone who will love, honour, and cherish me. Who knows,
is that possible, and at my age??? I know, here I go again with the
age!! It's nice to have all of you to share my "problem" and hurt with,
thanks again.
rkinney1

Hi there,

YES IT IS POSSIBLE AT YOUR AGE!!!! YOU ACT LIKE YOU ARE SO OLD, GEES, AND YOU'RE NOT!!!

Finding a good singles group would help. Just so you can meet other singles/divorcess, and I'm sure there will be a variety of ages there. I think it would be great for you. The groups have many outings, such as picnics, hikes, dinners, lots of stuff.

Sent with Love, -Ladysheep

Finding a good singles group would help. Just so you can meet other singles/divorcess,
But she is not single or divorced yet. So you should not act single or date until a divorce is comlplete (not just filed.)

Well, who knows what the future holds. I'm sure God has something in mind.
So, I'll have to take this step first.
rkinney1

I know...believe me Chris, I'm not ready and divorce is very painful. All in
due time. First things first. I haven't crossed any "goals" yet.
Thanks for being concerned, I won't do a "wrong" move.
rkinney1

Hi,
I didn't mean that she would find someone else right now. All I meant is that it would be a nice place to meet people.
I would never go out with someone until divorced, but friendships are alright.
I met my husband at a support group, and we were friends 3 yrs before marrying. We didn't even kiss until right before we got married. We became best of friends first.
So that's really all I'm saying is to find a place where friendships can be made.

rkinney, all I'm saying is you are not to old for a future relationship with a man. I wouldn't dare think you are ready now, when a divorce hasn't happened. But it doesn't hurt to
get out and join some groups where you can meet people. I think you didn't even "LIVE" when you were with your husband. Now you can "LIVE", and have some fun in life!!!!
I just want it to be very exciting for you because you truly deserve to be happy!!!!

Sent with Love, -Ladysheep

It's so nice to hear someone say that they wish me a better life. I hope I get it.
Will be sorta of hard, to make all the "right" decisions.
Take care, and God Bless!!!

Hi Again,

Yes, I know it's not easy, and God will help you.
I know you ask for His leading all the time.
His plans for you are good and to give you a future and hope!! No, you may not always make the right decisions, and you are not going to always make perfect decisions, but the good thing is you are making progress!!!!

I hope Chris's comment didn't discourage you, because you seemed down after that.

You haven't had a marriage for a long time. Even going to singles/divorcee groups isn't just
for people looking for a man/woman, but for support and friendships, and just to do fun things with. "LIVING"
And they are not just for single/divorcees, but can be for people going through divorce too.

Don't let anyone tie you up any more!!!!!

And you are right "one step at a time" and "one day at a time."

God Bless you!!!

Sent with Love, -Ladysheep

This week past, alot has happened. My husband
finally gave me his cell phone number. I looked
up his account on the internet, and he's calling at least three other women,along with the one he had his affair with. I'm tired of crying, praying he would reconcile, give up his "habits". So,
yesterday, I filed for divorce. I cried all the way home, and that's not unusual for me. I'm asking the courts for the moon, and hope I get the stars. Can't do it anymore, I'm worn out.
rkinney1

Oh no rkinney, that's terrible. I feel so sad for you. What you feared the most, you just found out. The good thing is, is that you did
find out, and he can't lie and get away with
it any more. At this point, I don't blame you
for seeking divorce, but I know how hurt you must
feel having to make that decision based on
his actions.

You have tried rkinney, you have tried to trust and believe a liar and cheater. It's the worst
kind of betrayal when it's done by your own
husband. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I hope you get the stars too in court.

Sent with Love, Ladysheep

Thank you for your support, I so desparately wanted things to work out.
Our court date is July 9th, for the abuse. We'll see how "supportive" a court
can be when someone is abusive to someone else.
My heart overflows with sadness.
Take care,
rkinney1

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> So, I guess I'll have to file for divorce, and try to move on </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I hope you go through with this. From my experiences he will never change. It may be the wrong advice but that is just how I feel about abuse.

I have posted a few things regarding this subject because it turns my stomach for anyone to have to go through this. And every time I read something like your story I just want to scream and cry.

You need to let go, find the person you lost in yourself, rebuild your strength and your love in yourself. You are better than what you have been receiving as in treatment from your H.

I have read all that you have said on this theme and I reach out to you and completely understand your pain. From what you wrote reminds me of my Ex H with the computer in putting an ad out and such and the abusive ways he was towards me. I am no longer with him and I feel for anyone that gets with him.

My prayers and thoughts go out your way and I hope you make the right decision and don't feel like you need to stay if you feel you will never be treated right or be happy with the situation when it comes to abuse.

Good Luck and I hope to hear something soon in here that your doing better and rebuilding your life for yourself.

I went to court yesterday, my H received 5 years probation, two of which will be supervised.
Also, he has to go to a Intervention Abuse Program. My attorney had him served with the
divorce papers yesterday. Most of the afternoon, I cried because I think it's a very
sad thing to have to do., end a marriage. But, with not having faith in him anymore,
I know it was the best decision, and I had to do it. And, once I am "officially" divorced"
I will remove my rings from my left hand, and try to work on "being single" again.
All of you have been so kind, thank you once again for your support.
rkinney1

Now that you have filed you will soon be on the road to recovery from an abusive marriage. I do hope he stays away. If he is the type that you think will continue to bother you I would get a restraining order on him. I know it doesn't do a whole lot because a person is going to do what they want to do without anything stopping them.

As I said before my Ex H was similar to yours. He stalked me afterwards and even came into my house while I was asleep. I woke up with the feeling of someone watching me and when I opened my eyes I seen someone laying next to me leaning with their head on their hand. I instantly started screaming, kicking and hitting. When I realized who it was I was even more scared. I was able to get him out and should have called the police then but stupid me I didn't. He watched my work, watched the house, stalked me on the computer leaving threats and followed me even when I moved out of the town.

So be careful and I wish you lots of luck and send you lots of prayers. Keep us posted how your doing.

((((Hugs))))

I'm going through with the divorce, and it seems to be the hardest thing I've ever done.
I know he's living with the ow, and it's killing me. Maybe, it makes me feel as though
I'm not "worthy" of a "relationship", and marriage vows are "wrong". I guess it's
just the "hurt" still tugging ay my heartstring. I thought marriage was based on
far more than "sex", but respect, committment, faith, trust, love.
But, to forget him, that will take a long, long time.
rkinney

Hi there,

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> I understand you are still going through a lot of pain, hurt, betrayal. Remember, some do keep their vows, unfortunately your husband didn't.
Don't blame yourself. It's going to take time to heal. Don't let the divorce and him take power over you making you think you are unworthy, because that is not true. In fact this divorce is going to be a way for you, to freedom from his abuse, and infidelity.

Did you decide if you are going to move close to your family?

Sent with Love, Ladysheep

Not sure as to where I am "going". In my divorce papers, I asked for the MOON,
and I hope to get the stars. My counselor says I'm doing great, and once the "emotional"
phase takes "control", that the "healing" process will be next. Had a disagreement with my daughter, because she is allowing him to see my grandchild. She said he was in her life for 8 years, and she doesn't want my grandchild to be in this. I feel, since he is not the "natural"
grandfather, he has no right, and she will get hurt, more than she is now. She (my granddaughter) keeps
hoping we get back together, even though she knows he has not done any "right" moves
since his release on April 9th. He's living with the OW, and is now shutting off my
phone, cable, (gas and electric next). All of that was in his name. Guess, I'd feel a little
better, if I had a companion, but, I don't even know "how to" be out there in the world again.
Thanks for llistening, it's nice to have all of you.
rkinney1

I guess what really bothers me is that he never even asked me for a "second" chance,
never even tried to correct all the "wrong".
Not that I a second chance could have happened, but he makes me feel like he would never, ever want to "renew" his relationship with me, and I wasn't even the blame. Does that
sound crazy or what???
rkinney1

Hi rkinney,

I think he is very selfish and doesn't want the help he needs. He is in a "big fog" I hope he wakes up one day and says to himself "What have I done?" He is just one of them types that gives up and moves on to the next. He lives dangerously, and he can move, but like I always say "His heart will always be where he is, no matter where he goes." So he will treat the next W the same after a while. You know he has to feel miserable, and he is only living with the OW because he has no where else to go. Basically I think he is taking advantage of her too. He probably is a smooth talker, but in time the OW will see him for what he really is also.

As for you, in time you will be healed. I know you think about having another companion someday, and if it is possible. It is, but you need to heal and be divorced first. Believe me I think you are going to come out a very strong woman from this. And you will begin to have the confidence again.

And your grandchild, I just hope you daughter never leaves her alone with him. That would make me uncomfortable too.

Sent with Love, Ladysheep

I know he's with her because he has no one else, it still hurts to know he never even
thought of "working" on us. The OW is as my daughter described is a "skanky" looking woman. and you can tell she's been around the block, and a "bar-hopper". So, for her to get tired
of him, or figure him out, I doubt it. She is just in "awe" right now, and hopefully someday
grows tired of him. I too worry about my grandchild, hate to see her go through the hurt.
And, I always wonder, if he'll ever realize that he made the biggest mistake in his life.
rkinney1

Hi rkinney1,

I know it's hard to understand the "why's???"
He is in denial, "the big fog." He may already know he's made the biggest mistake, but he's to prideful to admit it to you.

Sent with Love, Ladysheep

You're probably right, and I hope it will get easier. Gosh, I cry all the time.
He told my daughter that he wants to take my granddaughter to his girlfriends
place, she has a step daughter that he wants her to meet. I crush because my daughter allows
the relationship to continue, I wish she was more supportive. And, I feel bad because I haven't
been a "good" grandmother since all of this. I keep running off on weekends to be
with family and old friends, hoping I can "adjust". But, on my way home, I cry all
the while. I wish I could get back in the swing, and participate with doing things with
my granddaughter.

Hi rkinney,

Are you there? How are you doing? Have you gone to a Dr.? Divorce is one of the most
depressing things a person can go through.
I'm wondering it an antidepressant may help.
What do you think?

Sent with Love, Ladysheep

Hi Ladysheep,
Yes, I've seen a Dr., taking medication for depression, and sleep.
Still waiting for court date on 7/29/03, since he was not "represented" last week.
It is very hard, but, I'm not so sure I like taking the medicine either. Maybe once the
divorce case is signed, I'll ask the Dr. if she can "lower" the mg's. I keep thinking
that he could find a way to get in touch with me, want to make things right, but then,
I realize it would never be the same for either of us. I'm still going to counseling,
and she wrote a letter stating how "traumitized" and "emotional" this is for me.
I'm really hoping he doesn't come back to visit my grandchild either, it's been hard
enough on her. Thanks for being a great listener, and friend.
rkinney1

Hi rkinney,

I didn't like the idea of having to takes meds
either. I had a hard time even admitting I was
depressed, even though I felt terrible. Couldn't
eat, sleep, anger, blame. Couldn't be motivated
to do a whole lot. Felt paralyzed a lot.
Sometimes I still do, during times of stress,
and disappointment.

I know this has taken a big toll on you, but
I'm glad you are getting out and visiting.
In time you will feel emotionally healthier,
and more yourself again. It really does take
time. Treat yourself to good things, as good
as you can right now. Maybe spending time with
your grand-daughter would help you up some.
Sometimes spending time with little ones is so
therapuetic for me.
Do you think that's possible?

Sent with Love, Ladysheep

Hi Ladysheep,
I did take my daughter, and two grandchildren out Wed. for pizza. They were good
children, and I felt that I should enjoy them while I can for someday, they will be
on their own too. I do go to my family almost every weekend, saying to myself that
I deserve to "get away" because I worked all week. Slowly time goes by, and I'm
not sure if "lonliness" ever disappears, especially at night. I pray for a new companion,
and keep in mind what I've been told, find someone who deserves me. I hope all
works out for you too, you seems to be a very giving, caring person.Have a
wonderful weekend!! I have LOTS of yardwork!!
rkinney1

Finally had a court date. H now has to pay for 1 year mortgage, 2nd mortgage, and time share. No contact, from either is allowed. He wanted some tools, and his weight bench. I gave him his weight bench, a screwdrive, wrench, and one of the "whips" he had hidden for his OW. Hurts to know it's over, and have to remember I am better off.
rkinney

Hi rkinney,

I know it hurts so much.

So is everything final now?

You really are better off now, even though
it doesn't lessen the pain, it will lessen
in time.

Time to start a new life!!

Sent with Love, Ladysheep

Hi Ladysheep,
No, it's not over yet. He has sent a "response" for the divorce, but, I don't know what
he wants to settle for. And, I know you're right, that I'm better off. Starting a new life
will take time for me, I'm too afraid.Wonder what happened to Chris???
Sometimes, I just wish I could disappear.
Have a good weekend,
Rkiney1

I hope you have a good weekend too.
I feel your saddness, and hope the fear
goes away.

I haven't seen Chris around at all. Don't
know what happened to him.

Are you going to any group meetings at all.
Sometimes they help too.

Sent with Love, Ladysheep

My counselor recommended a group meeting. I might go to one, just to see if I "fit".
Going to my friends this weekend, hoping I'll stop thinking of H. Thanks for being here
for me. Hope Chris' okay.
rkinney1

Hey LAADDIIESS!

Haven't been over in this forum lately.

My attorney had him served with the
divorce papers yesterday. Most of the afternoon, I cried because I think it's a very
sad thing to have to do., end a marriage. But, with not having faith in him anymore,
I know it was the best decision
Of course it's not an easy thing to do, even if it is the "best" course of action.

Maybe, it makes me feel as though
I'm not "worthy" of a "relationship"
Yeah, it gets you down and you start to think all kinds of things like this. It's part of the process and it IS as good thing as it causes you to look at yourself and actions you have taken and the reasons behind them.

and marriage vows are "wrong".
I hope you realize they aren't wrong and that it is just your "thoughts."

Hey Chris, nice to hear from you again. You're right, it's the better thing (the divorce).
But, it sometimes makes me feel like I'm incapable of "pleasing" a mate. Knowing
of the adultery too. I do believe in those "marriage vows", it was just a "thought"
going through my head. I keep going "in and out" of depression, and for some crazy
reason this past weekend, I realized, I couldn't have made that marriage work, no
matter what. He did too much, and has no "remorse". In marriage they say for
better or worse, but, he totally ruined our marriage, and disrespected those vows.
rkinney1