Hello everyone. I am very glad I found this site.
I have been reading and really have something pressing on my mind regarding OC, etc.

I do look forward to corresponding and sharing with you all here- but at this very moment I am very pressed for time and would just like to start with the major issue that is eating me up inside first and foremost.

My H and I have been reconciling for about 7 months. It has been rough, but we are still hanging on to our family. We have 3 children of young teen and pre-teen age.

OC was born in January. H does not want contact other than financial after DNA test.

I have so much to say.. but as I said.. I am so pressed till an hour or so from now but...

CAN ANYONE please give me some christian guidance here?? I feel really funny about H not wanting contact- EVEN IF I DO NOT want it and feel it would kill me and the kids that are just feeling comfortable again with our marriage...

If anyone here is a christian.. can you please please tell me what is one to feel or do as a christian- will God punish H and me for being terrible human beings??? I know this is H's burden but of course my heart is killing me-- making me feel I am the one standing in the way of a child having a father...

I'm rambling.. I know.

I just need to hear someone tell me that God is not going to judge us and our lives will not be in ruin because we are bad people. I'm sure it is not a simple answer but any help in this area would help. I am going crazy- I just feel I should push H into this or I am just as guilty. Even if it is H's duty and decision, how can you escape the fact that as wives, we have so much to do with how our H's lives and their decisions - they stink at dealing with many things, as we know.

HELP!! Calling all christians please help.. I just cant talk to anyone right now about this.

P.S. I have not told H he could not-only that whatever he decided,I would have to make my decision based on that, as I cannot make this decision for him.

<small>[ March 04, 2004, 04:39 PM: Message edited by: giovanna123 ]</small>

I haven't been here long, but I feel your pain and as a christian tell you how I feel. I am not my H or the OW judge, I feel they will one day be judged and I will judged on how I reacted and what my actions are. The OC is not here yet, but I pray that it is healthy and the OW will someday find the lord. My H is resposible for his actions and so am I, mine. There is a person who didn't ask to be here and it belongs to God. He only lets us borrow them! We have chosen C w/ OC and I am for it. This is a part of my H and therefore its a part of me. Me and my H have had a hard two- three years and I felt it was in part to the way I acted but its still wrong!!! Like I told my H all you do is say no. Lust is a powerful thing and some people are stronger than others. Two wrongs don't make a right and God don't give you more than what you can take. And LEARN from your mistakes !!! I personally can not see us not being a part of this childs life and what would my daughter say when she found out? It's really hard but PRAY PRAY PRAY !!! And if your heart is open to listen then listen.

Cast your burdens on the Lord, and he shall sustain you; He shall never permit the righteous to fall !! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Ain't that great !!!!

Were thinking of you and I think that god will understand knowing that you are trying to do what is best for your entire family.

I understand how you feel--I would feel that the OC deserves to know their parent and have the father be a part but sometimes that isn't always meant for every situation.

Best of Luck from a Newbee

Albany

Hello,
Can't write too much. Sorry to say welcome here! Most everyone here have no contact. I am christian and I would have to say you have to look at your situation and make a decision what is best for your marriage. Your marriage comes first. I would not press for contact if your H does not want it. It might cause more problems.

We have no contact!


Dawn

<small>[ March 04, 2004, 06:38 PM: Message edited by: Dawn71 ]</small>

Hello giovanna,
Sorry to have to welcome you here, but you will find comfort here. I don't post much, but I read the post everynight. It is the first thing I do after work. It gets me through the night. There are some really strong women on this site and with them and your christian faith you will get through this. I am also face with a similiar issue. H has contact with oc on and off because ow plays so many games. H says that if she play on more game that is it...N/C. I feel bad because as a christian I feel that the child should have a father, but I also know that GOD beleives in marriage and some C with oc can ruin a marriage. I feel that our marriage should came first and H should deal with oc when we are more stable, but he wants C and then he doesn't want C. So don't push him in either direction. Pray to god to guild his direction and support him, but I be firm if you feel he is making decision that could hurt your marriage or your children. Remember pray changes things.

Giovanna. As all the others are, I am very sorry you are in this situation. My situation is similar in ways, we just have not had testing done yet and there is a chance O/C is not my H's. I just found out about O/C one week ago so I'm still reeling in emotions.

I guess I'm just the opposite, I keep telling H that I would want N/C with O/C and would not want our sons having C either. He, of course, wants to support him financially and other but I have told him over and over that I will never bend on the issue. Now reading your post, I'm wondering if I am not the horrible person. I'm sorry but I just can't even think of it. Perhaps after a while I will change my mind on this but I really doubt it. I am petrified of anyone finding out about O/C and I'm not sure if that's right or wrong but that's how I feel.

Good luck with your situation and be sure to visit here often for support.

i am sorry to see another person have to join us here and at the same time am glad you found us because there are so many here that have been down the rosd you are walking on and there is every possible view point on how to proceed.

i am a Christain man but i am not the best one to quote Biblical reference about much. from what i was able to research on this when it first found it's way into my life is that if you read the Bible long enough you will be able to find support on what ever side of this issue you choose to sit.

i will have to look up some notes i took on the subject ifd i can find them and i will be able to give you some examples. i am drawing a blank right now for some reason.

i don't think that God is going to sit and judge you for this. if your h is of the mind that he doesn't want contact then i would say that is what is in his heart and the best thing for that oc is to persue that avenue. it would be no good for any child to force them into a relationship wt an adult who wasn't 100% possitive in their heart that they wanted that relationship.

Thank you for your replies! I really really believe and so does H, that NC for a few years at least is necessary. Our family unit and my children just do not deserve the confusion and disappointment they will feel knowing what H did, and they are too old not to know. They have already many doubts about H, since our separation and since they know he hurt me very badly, as that has been obvious (unfortunately). Before we could imagine brining this scenario to them, we would have to be so very much stronger and so would the kids. I agree so much with many posters here, that OC does not matter more than my children and the devastating affects of affairs reaches many. Me, OC and my kids are all caught in the aftermath and none of us asked for this. OW will protect and love and nurture her daughter as I will have to do for mine. Just as children of broken homes or children who suffer for their parents mistakes, OC will have some of the same consequences, as did my children during the last year that our family was separated and they were very confused. Nothing good does ever come of evil and A's are definitely the work of the devil!! I also am not perfect, and know that my actions have consequences- seem some people just don't believe theirs should.

I have stopped obsessing over and hating OW for some time. She means nothing in our lives. My life will no longer suffer and be wasted on hatred and bitterness! It is uncontrollable for some time after the shock, but I am working so hard to stop the bitterness and let God have his way in all of our lives.

OW and H have not spoken since August. Neither of them are making any moves on this either way so far. OW is someone that SIL grew up with- and SIL broke her promise to respect H and our family by staying away and staying out of this situation completely for now. We cannot afford to have the kids find out at this point. SIL is young (and pretty obnoxious) just like OW and is more of a problem right now than anything. This is like a novelty to her - UGH! Other than that- I will continue to try to gain more strength within our family because mine and H's recovery has been very slow. He has been struggling with all of this right along side with me- and many times taking his guilt and insecurity of losing me-- out on me. He is getting much better and being much more comforting and supportive. It is time for me to truly being to heal and reconcile my family-- the past 7 months of "reconcilation" were really not fruitful whatsoever.

I truly believe that through all of this God brought me to that point that you never think you are going to reach.. rock bottom. I have never been depressed in my lifetime let alone the skeleton of a human being I have been for the past year. The overwhelming sadness and hopelessness and loneliness has brought me back to where God wanted me to be-- reaching out for him at a time when I have felt I had no one else that cared or loved me. (I have lived through this completely alone and until 2 weeks ago I finally told my parents. I have been out of fellowship with the church and God for a long time and my H and I have finally turned back to him. Sometimes, yes, good things come of tragedy.

If H does not want a relationship with OC right now, then I need to stop concerning myself with it. I just don't want to fear God's judgment on our lives - but you are all right- he will show us the way.

I read a post of someone's on here that was so true-- everyone wants BS to forget everything and do the right thing now-- to be mature and adult and to handle things just so.... it just kills you !!!!! Where was that reasoning when she and H were having unprotected sex-- where was that reasoning when it was me and my family who was being treated so poorly and forgotten?? I bet she and H were not on support groups finding ways to deal with doing right by my children!!!!

Geesh! Taking the high road STINKS!

Thanks for letting me ramble and spill. I'd like to hear from you all again.

<small>[ March 05, 2004, 09:23 AM: Message edited by: giovanna123 ]</small>

Giovanna,

Sorry to welcome you here, but welcome. I am a newbie also & a christian. I guess I am a bit unique here because my H had no children & he had A & as far as I can tell the pg. was planned in every sense of the word. No one understands how I let this man back in my life. But I know it was God's love & spirit of forgiveness he instilled in my heart.

I never considered NC w/ OC mainly because I knew if I accepted my H back in my life that meant accepting innocent OC. Babies are a blessing from God, no matter how they come here. I once read "there are no illegitimate children only illegitmate parents". H & OW chose to make this baby not thinking of the fallout it would cause. I understand his reasoning to a point only because he had no children, not that I excuse it. The OW is just plain evil.

I have had contact w/ OC & could easily love her, I sometimes feel I am her only hope, OW is unfit in everyway.

I think you should pray over NC or contact w/ OC & if your H decides he wants none then you must obide by his wishes. God will judge all of us for our actions while down here on earth, he made us & knows us, he won't put more on us than we can bear, & will always provide a way of escape.

I can remember my sister telling me that I had biblical grounds for divorce when this all came out, gave me scriptures too. I then told her that God hates divorce & has given us a commandment to love everyone & forgive. Keep praying & God will answer you both as to what to do.

Don't put so much pressure on yourself or H, remember, All have sinned & fallen short of the Glory of God.

He will answer prayer. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Thank you again for all of your responses. Even the smallest reminders in your posts of God's lessons of forgiveness and trusing him - well, they help so much.


Huntington- if you are reading this, it feel so rotten to have a burden on our shoulders - of having to worry if we are wrong about C/NC with OC, etc. doesn't it? It is so hurtful even having to think of whats best for OC-- as if the OC matters and not you-- I know these feelings so well.

I just think that now is way too soon to know what you can handle- there is just no way you are ready to know either way. You need time. Whatever you decide, just remember that forcing H to do one thing either way may not last even if he agrees initially. I know at the very beginning I said horrid things out of rage about OC and I won't even repeat them... But eventually H has to make the decision and if you force his decision with wrath, there is a chance it will push him further away or confuse him- he is already confused and he may just wind up seeing you as someone who is making him more confused and putting on more pressure. He made the pressure, yes-- but sometimes these men just break down cause they cannot handle fixing this-- they just run instead of doing the hard work. Don't become the enemy about OC-- about OW-- YES!!!!!!!

Now, if his decisions hurt you too much - which they already are and may continue to- you can only do what you decide. This is just horrible for us and no-win situation.

You are not a terrible person for wanting NC- it is heartbreaking, the whole thing. I am battling with it so I know.

giovanna123--

Thank you for you feedback and support.

for more background we split in June 03 and OW became pregnant in 9/03--after he started going to counseling for himself and seemed to be detaching from her--it actually seems after some confronting that see became pregnant on purpose. We started going to MC in 11/03 and he moved back in 12/03-stayed at our house most of 11/03. On Dec 11 he told me about OW being pregnant and all was ggod still after shock and then in 1/04 he began getting strange and saying I love you but not happy and I don't deserve to be with you etc. and moved out at end of 1/04.

I haven't told my parents yet again--they only live 1/2 mile away and it wasn't hard to keep it a secret for 2/04 because he basically lived at our house anyway but now it is getting harder and i have such a hard time being around people.

I think I have to go the route you guys are talking about--so hard and I love him to pieces and when I read the basic concepts I know that it is all fixable but you can only do it with two not just one.

He says he wants us to still be best friends and all that but I also don't think he really wants to leave--the longest he has gone ever without calling me is 24 hours and why would you come somewhere you are unhappy just so you are not alone???

Anyway thanks-any other thoughts or ideas you have are welcome.

Albany

OK here goes. I AM a Christian and a BS w/OC. I have had all the same thoughts and confusion as you.

OW chose NC and we agreed. Years later she sued us for CS and we debated over C/NC again. I may have pushed my H into choosing C for all the same reasons that are running through your head.

We decided on C. Let me tell you that was the 2nd biggest mistake of our lives.(#1 was H A) It has been almost 2 years since meeting OC and it has not been fun.

We even had the same thoughts that "children are a blessing" blah blah blah.

The problem that I see in your thinking is:
1) your guilt---it is misplaced because you did not create this situation or this child.
2) innocent child theory---and what about YOUR innocent children?
3) pushing your H to be involved--as a Christian woman you know this is a BIG no-no. Your H is the leader of your family. He is trying to repair your marriage right? so allow him to make his decision (NC)as he's sees what is best for his family.
4) children need a father--true, that's why you wait until marriage to have sex, but that is not the case here, sad but true consequence of @ peoples selfish actions.
5) children need a father--yes, YOURS do.

Many can argue against me and have different opinions, that's fine. I can only speak from my own experience. My opinion would be different for a female WS who is pregnant.

This is NOT a normal situation and I dont agree with everyone trying to act like it is, children and siblings coming in and out of the home on some "visitation schedule". I don't agree with children having to go back and forth @ all.

I can only tell you from my experience what has happened. Many others would like to point out that C can work if both parties act like adults but I don't know of any around here where the WS is the H and they are having C w/ OC and everything is going so well(except if they have custody but that again, is different).

You will forever have C w/ OW. OW may not want this situation. OW will not like the fact that OC will have YOU as the step-mom. That is only the tip of the iceberg.

Your children will have to explain this "sometimes" sibling who is around "sometimes". It is embarrassing, I don't care what any one says. I think that the older the children of the marriage, the harder it is for them to deal with. They will have to unexpectantly have to share their daddy. What will you do when OC has an activity at the same time as BC (betrayed children) where will daddy go? Who will he choose?

And yes,as innocent as this OC is, they will @ times be a reflection of who their mother is, their tones of voice, their opinions or the way they look.

As a Christian, is this possible? OF course, all things are possible thru Christ Jesus our Lord.

ONLY YOU & H can make this decision for your family. You WILL find support here no matter what you choose.

YOU, the BS, have a lot to gain by having OC in your life. I don't think some people will like what I have to say but I am going to be honest. By choosing to have OC in your life, as BS, you do have a lot to gain. People will see you as a SAINT or very near one. They will give you lots of ego boosts about how loving and forgiving you are...blah blah blah. Part of that will be true, they will also be real eager to hear how hard it is for you and how great your doing in it. IT will forver be an issue in your life.

YOU, the BS, will never lack for something to talk about. AND you will NEVER lack for a reason to be sore @ your H, never lack for a justifyable "mood swing", never lack for drama, prayer support, prayer requests, the list can go on and on.

And your H, seeing your very real and justifiable pain, will never lack in sorrow and regret!!!!! It can be like an ongoing punishment for him to see you "enduring". This is real.

YES children are a blessing but that is not ALL they are.

I would love to discuss this more w/ you if you like. I will be out of town this weekend but will be back around here Tues. or so.

I'm sorry if I am not giving you the response you were wanting to hear though. I am just trying to be sincerely HONEST.

Your relationship with god is very personal. The decision for contact is not a black and white issue.

KT points out very real and viable points, both for and against contact.

My thoughts are slow down and really think this out. From every angle. The oc is an innocent child, no doubt. But yours are just as innocent. They matter. They have feelings and needs too. To many people put the needs of the oc above the betrayed children. THAT is very hurfull to the bc.

So while you are sorting all of this out, take your time. Pray. But remember, you have children and you owe it to them to look out for their best interests. Not the best interest of the oc, or the ow. YOUR children have to come first.

This is as close to the OC sit that I have seen in the Bible...

God promised Abraham and Sarah that they would get pregnant. As time went on, they became impatient. Abraham fathered a son whose mother was Sarah's servant. I am sure that was tough enough, but then along came Isaac. The situation of having contact became nearly unbearable. (There is still conflict between their families today.) God told Abraham to send the mother and her son away and that HE would take care of them.

I believe that there is no RIGHT answer. It depends on your family. We shouldn't have to make decisions like this anyway. But pray about it and believe. God will show you the answer. And when you KNOW that the answer was from Him, don't allow anyone to question what you decide.

I love the story of Abraham, Sarah and Hagar (the servant), it gives me hope and comfort because Sarah was just as pained to see OW & OC as I have been. I take comfort in seeing these very real reactions (& failures) in the Bible by people who are also looked on as great.

Another incident of adultery and OC is David and Bathsheba. I don't remember another wife mentioned though, although he had them. After Bathsheba became pregnant and David murdered her H, the child she bore by David died. I was taught that that was David's punishment. They did go on to have more children together, the wise King Solomon.

Then of course we cannot forget while David is probably the most well known adulterer in the Bible, God still chose to have His Son be born as a descendent to David. David's life and relationship w/ God is such a beautiful one of favor, falling, reconciliation, and restoration. What a wonderful gift of hope for us all!

Sorry to threadjack a little here, Giovanna...I do hope you and your H are doing well. These are difficult decisions you've been faced with. I believe God will bless you if you've searched Him for answers and are obedient to His will for your life.

<small>[ March 09, 2004, 09:08 AM: Message edited by: autumnday ]</small>

Thank you Autumn for that reminder, also. I will definitely relay this to my H. I have not been of much support to him lately as I have not been able to support anyone. I am only beginning now to have just one small piece of mended heart that I can offer to H now after 8 months. I am offering him the hope of God, not myself, as He is the only one that can help H or me through all of this.

I have to find the direct scriptures on each of the stories I have been given because H wants to read them. He needs to have peace and understanding that God will forgive him and make him the man he wants him to be if he opens his life up completely to Him.