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#828668 06/01/04 11:35 PM
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Wow, you all have been busy.

Albany - Don't you even think about giving up!! It is never too late for either your H or you to change and make your M better. He is making some small efforts - kind of testing the waters. I don't think I would Plan B - but only my opinion. Work on you and be a supportive wife. You made a comment in one of your posts about not having control. None of us have control of this situation that we have found ourselves in. Trust God to take care of you - give Him control of the situation and quit interfering in what he is doing. You may not be able to see the changes in your H, but they are happening. Trust your H to God. Pray for him and pray that you can be the wife your H needs. The power of prayer is awesome!! The power of prayer is the key to fighting for our M. I believed this before, but I just began reading The Power of the Praying Wife by Stormie Omartian. Has anyone else read it? My sister gave it to me this weekend to read. What I have read has really hit home.


Sunny - I read so many of your posts and they help me so much - especially on those down days. Your faith in God is apparent and many of the things you say I have believed for a long time. It is just so nice to read your thoughts and be reminded of what is important. You're an inspiration to me - the way you are handling this whole thing - your faith will sustain you and make your M strong.

JT - Hang in there. Things will get better. Work on you first. You need to go to dr asap. Pulling yourself together and becoming a stronger person will only benefit your M. Keep fighting for your M and your family. Pray and build a strong foundation on faith. Are you separated? Sorry, I can't remember. One book I read when H and I first separated was Hope for the Separated by Gary Chapman. It is an awesome book. Talks about things you can do while you are separated to work on your relationship with God, relationship with yourself, and your relationship with your spouse. There are growth assignments at the end of each chapter to help you improve each area. It helped me realize that separation does not mean the end of a marriage. It can be used as a growth period to improve yourself and your marriage. Just a suggestion. Good luck to you. Remember you are not alone in this - you have your friends here and you have God (who I believe directed us all here for help each other).

Hope everyone else is doing well. Talk to you all later.

#828669 06/01/04 11:38 PM
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Sunny was going to check on verses in Bible on forgiveness for someone. I wanted to share devotion on that subject that I received in email today.

**************************************************Let It Go

June 1, 2004

"Peter got up the nerve to ask, 'Master, how many times do I forgive a brother or sister who hurts me? Seven?'
Jesus replied, 'Seven! Hardly. Try seventy times seven.'"
- from Matthew 18, The Message
The Old Testament Law urged people toward charity and forgiveness; it commanded the Israelites not only to forgive - which is difficult enough to do at all - but to forgive three times. So Simon Peter is saying something that seems silly: Jesus, you want us to be kind and forgiving; what, are we supposed to forgive seven times? Seven was an exaggerated number, an impossible concept. Jesus blows it out to another level: No, I want you to forgive until you lose count.This is ridiculous. But then, that's how many - maybe most of the things Jesus said seemed to his listeners ... and seem to us, still.

What can Jesus possibly be talking about? There are people who don't deserve to be forgiven even once, much less 490 times. And I'm not saying that to set up a sweet, Christian answer -- I'm serious. There are actions for which simple forgiveness is not an adequate response. It's appropriate to be angry when people are vicious, toxic, and harmful.

But then, Jesus knew this, of course. So what on earth is he teaching us? Jesus tells a story after this command, about a man who forgives who receives forgiveness and mercy from God. And if you've ever carried bitterness, you know this truth: the grudge poisons its possessor.

Have you lost count of how many times you've forgiven? Every time you forgive, you become the more healthy and whole person. Let it go.

A Prayer for Today: God, to forgive without keeping count seems impossible to me. Help me to know that You have forgiven and love me, and that I am safe and loved by You. Amen

**************************************************

#828670 06/01/04 11:48 PM
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One last post for tonight. Just wanted to update my situation a little.

Kids and I had a great weekend visiting my sister's family (with the exception of some stormy weather). Anyway, I decided not to tell my sister about this whole mess, which surprisingly my parents supported. There may be a place and time for this, but I wanted to enjoy the weekend and escape for a few moments. I actually was able to have fun and not worry too much about what H was up to.

Tonight when I talked to H, he told me he had talked to a lawyer. Remember, OW had given him a deadline of last Friday to make a decision. I guess he was cracking under pressure. He said when he made the appointment, he was going to discuss D with attorney. He got there and told lawyer whole story and said that he was not sure he wanted to file. Lawyer told him that if he was having second thoughts, then he should try to save M. Thank God for this lawyer!! I know H is far from making a commitment to move home and start recovery, but the thought is there. There are so many things that I can see that tell me that God is leading my H home. Albany, that's why I say, don't go by what you see. God is looking out for you. He is making changes in our H's and they don't even realize it. Be patient and remain faithful.

#828671 06/02/04 11:26 AM
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Kris,

It is goor to hear from you. Been missing you the last couple of days. Boy, when you have something to say you really come strong. I needed and heard every word that you said and find it to be good advice as usual. I will be working on myself and my happiness and sanity from now on. I can no longer live in a constant fear that my H will leave us permanently or be with OW.

I must move on to see that I am important in all this and maybe God is trying to tell me something. I have been laxed with my faith since M and need to refocus on God and his plan for my life. Whatever that maybe, I need to focus on it. He holds my future and I must learn to butt out of it and let him lead.

That is easier said than done of course, but i must do something because what I've been doing is not working. I have be stronger for the kids and myself. H will just have to deal withhis stuff on his own. I can not punish him for his behavior and for what he has done to the M. That is up to God and I need to remember that! I am not judge and jury over him, and I think I have been trying to punish him for it. Whew! That was a load off my chest.

Thanks for the support and for the devotion I needed it!


<img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
JT

#828672 06/02/04 11:59 AM
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KrisM~ good to hear from you--thanks for the encouragement. Some days we all really need it from one another.

SO the UPDATE:

H calls me little after 6pm-wasn't at home-was at my parents to pick up son. H calls my cell-no answer-calls my parents house-no answer we were outside and then H calls my mom's cell--I answered because I had just walked into the house to you the restroom.

He asked what I was doing and I explained that I was picking up Bailey since I worked until 6 and H works until 6--my Mom picked son up from daycare.

He said well I will be over after I go and take a shower. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I knew he would call and want to come over.

I didn't leave my mom's until about 6:45. H called as I was just coming inthe door and said get out the loster tails and defrost them and start some H2O boiling-I have a crab and 1 1/2. It is okay for me to bring them over and for us to have dinner??

I said well that is fine--it dinner went well we just talked small talk and played with our son-I didn't say anything about us or OW/OC. Didn't say I love you or I care.

KT~I just listened, inquired about his day, and listened some more. We cooked together and had fun--he was helpful. He got the crab from manager of apts.--we know them and he said to me I will get us more crab--they will go crabbing again at the end of the summer. Didn't know we would be a we at the end of the summer--just let it go didn't comment. I also took my paxil which I take for OCD but it helps with my anxiety w/all this that is going on. So I was very mellow and just let the evening roll and never got uptight.

H said he will call today--he works graveyard to night at 6pm. He will probably stop by on his way to work--we will see.

Would love to hear updates from everyone.

I'm hanging in there and trying to use stuff from the Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands book and just trying to live for me (be happy and upbeat and confident) not pleading, begging, I will tell you I care tell you come back.

#828673 06/03/04 12:26 AM
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Way to go albany! You are doing well. Your consistency is paying off. Isn't it wonderful to just have fun with your spouse? You are creating an inviting atmosphere and making happy memories for him as well. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

#828674 06/03/04 12:50 AM
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AD~

Good to hear from you. How have you been?

I hope my hard works pays off--I don't even think H realizes that he make we comments etc., but I have to let it go and act as if I'm just living fine--even if I'm not. He had said he wanted to take our son this weekend but I won't be surprised if he doesn't and just comes and sees him at the house and I'm not going to bring it up.

Somehow it will work out I think and keep telling myself--nervous w/OW due 6/10

#828675 06/02/04 01:17 PM
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I've been good, thanks for asking! It's been about the crappiest spring I can recall though, with non-stop rain. The holiday weekend was no exception. We managed to make the best of it and still went up North. It was more like winter, being stuck inside playing cards. Oh well, we have all summer to fish and kayak--(God, you are listening, right? I hope so! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ). Things are very good in my M. We are at a place I never dreamed possible. I thank God for my H daily. Baby is at a fun but challenging stage--now mobile, (and I thought I had a lot of work before?). <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

What you are doing is hard work, and I know it must seem so unfair for you to carry the brunt of the burden. Hell, it is unfair. Just continue to remember why you're doing it. Right now, it's not about you, or even about him per se. It's about recovering your MARRIAGE. Once he is back, and you two are on the road of recovery, there will be a new plan. He will have lots of responsibilities as a willing marriage partner. Plan A is not meant to be a long term lifestyle. It serves a purpose for the time being.

Do you take your Paxil every day?

Be encouraged albany, you really are doing good things. Remain upbeat and consistent in your Plan A behavior.

~ad

<small>[ June 02, 2004, 01:27 PM: Message edited by: autumnday ]</small>

#828676 06/02/04 01:31 PM
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AD~

I'm suppose to take Paxil every day 12.5mg lowest dosage but I ran out and was too lazy and didn't get RX refilled so I didn't take it for about 3 weeks. I know that was bad of me and I decided that I had better take it because I get a lot les agitated with us, him, the whole situation if I'm taking it.

So right now I'm focusing on me and son and trying to live for me. I tend to always put myself last and then I become a b**** to be around because I take no me time and that creates a whole bad thing w/H because I get so unhappy and negative about life when I do that and H hates negativity--I always see the bad or focus on it first before I find the positive in a situation.

Ad~ you are in Minnesota??? I can't remember. We have had expectionally good weather this spring in western Oregon. Today the high is suppose to be 80 <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

#828677 06/02/04 02:06 PM
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am now going backward & doing Plan A to see if there is a chance of getting US back on track, never did it longer than 2 weeks. I am thinking of doing PA until 2 yr. anniversary of DDay - July 14, if all is going well I then plan to seek resolution to the baby visitation issue, if it has not been resolved, still doing PA, if nothing has been resolved with that issue by the end of August, time to Plan B for real, w/ legal sep. papers the whole nine. That is 3 months of PA, hopefully during that time we can also have more counseling sessions.

That is my new plan, God only knows if I can stick it out & if it will work out. If not I will be able to go on to PB & possibly D knowing I went above & beyond the call the of duty, & I will have peace about it all. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I wrote that last week & already I am tired & August seems to far away. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> We had a pretty good weekend, H was at home more than usual so that was a plus, we did some talking, went out & had some fun.

Yesterday I sent him a text message, & he didn't reply, once he got home I asked why & he said no particular reason, so I proceeded to try & get him to tell me the truth, he just ignored me cuz he didn't want to respond, that is the only reason I can see as to why he didn't. I didn't LB but he felt like I made a big deal out of nothing, this is not the first time he has done this, does the same thing w/ the phone. So I guess I am crazy, that shouldn't make me feel unwanted & like I am being a bother? It doesnt take a whole lot to put me back in "I'm ready to PB mode" these days. He seems to take all this as a joke, we are supposed to discuss the contract again this Sat. I feel like telling him to sign & live by it or go, that is it. I have said this so many times but I am tired of this. Plan A is too hard for me at this point when so much is unresolved between us, not to mention the baby visitation situation. Why do I have to keep coming up w/ plans & walking on egg shells??????? FOR WHAT? I don't want to break God's heart or disappoint HIM anymore than I already have but, this man is adding nothing to my life right now but grief. I never asked to be a step mother, I never asked to share my H w/ another woman, I never asked to be put in this position of having to be the strong one, the level headed one - THE GLUE.

AD ~ I know what you are gonna say "what are you waiting for?" I dont' know anymore myself. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> Just dont' think I can make it til August.

Sorry for the rambling.

#828678 06/02/04 02:28 PM
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BBYG~~

(((((HUGS))))).

Okay I will tell you what I finally had to do. I do not call H--I let him call me because when I call & he doesn't answer I get mad, hurt , and untrusting. Then I would call again and again and he would think I was pyscho and I would usually leave a nasty message. So, as I said I don't call and that way I do not set myself up for a disappoint or let myself get angry.

Just a thought because I get to feeling the same way when all that happens. Sorry that you are having a crappy day. Hang tough and really focus on the 180's--ignore them and don't let them know that things bother you.

Hope you have a better day. Remember you only PB when you are ready and have felt ready for more than a day or so--remember we tend to feel a lot better after a good nights sleep. Take care of yourself.

#828679 06/02/04 02:55 PM
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ALbany,

I feel the same way 90% of the time. I stopped calling my H too for the same reason. I would also have angry feelings, mistrust, and I would leave a nasty message on his voice mail. I am done with the whole thing of calling him. Now I let him hunt me down - for a change.

I feel like just going out and meeting someone myself somedays. It surely is easier to start over than to deal with these type of issues. I feel as though I should do that just start a new, and leave him and his baggage behind.

JT

#828680 06/02/04 03:16 PM
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JT2~

I feel like going out and running from the baggage too. But, I know that it will catch up with me eventually and doing that would only be short-term happiness and later I would be unhappy. It is our hearts that keep us from doing that--men tend not to follow their hearts as much as women do. So we stay for our love of our M, family, and H. I don't want to raise my son in a split home.

Hang tough! we are better then going out and meeting someone for a quick fix!

#828681 06/02/04 03:25 PM
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Albany,

That is what I am tired of most of all - the games, why I shouldn't I be able to call or text my H w/o fear of rejection - no reply? Always feeling like I am setting myself up for a fall is I don't do things just so.

I guess I am having a bad day, just add them to the bad days I have been having since this all started. I am thinking maybe God has been telling me all along to let this go, I don't have any babies that I need to take care of or have H help me take care of, so why continue to put myself thru this crap.

Our financial situation is not good either mainly because of him, my family is going out of town next month, I wanted to go but couldn't, so yeah I blame him for that too.

At least all of you have children that gives you more incentive to fight, but I don't so other than being a 2 time failure at M I don't have any other real incentive, I just feel like what am I trying to prove & who am I tryint to prove it to? It is not about winning, if H ends up w/ OW than so be it, she is not getting any great prize.

Thanks for the hug.

#828682 06/02/04 04:51 PM
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Okay girls I have been reading your posts all day at work and I just wanted to add my 2 cents.

We are all strong people here. We can and will handle this situation that we are in by no choice of our own. Remember God does not give us anything thing that we cannot handle. He knows we are strong and we draw our strength from our faith. Quit selling yourselves short. If we couldn't handle this, God would not preserve the love we feel for our H's and he would not give us the strength to continue this fight. We all have to quit giving into these doubts and fears and anger and whatever it is that is telling you that you can't take another day of this. Those are all things that satan wants us to believe. If we give into those feels, then we let him win. I don't know about you, but I am living my life to glorify God, not the devil. I will fight for my M until I have no fight left, and guess what, as long as I continue to let God control this and draw my strength from that faith, I will always have fight.

So I guess I am telling you all to not give up or give in to these horrible feelings that are overcoming us. We are the ones that allow that to happen. Stay strong and faithful and let's show our H's by example the kind of life we are all meant to have.

"In the same way, you wives, be submissive to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives. As they observe your chaste and respectful behavior. And let not your adornment be merely external - braiding the hair, and wearing gold jewelry, or putting on dresses; but let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is precious in the sight of God." 1 Peter 3: 1 - 4.

Stay strong and don't let anything stand in the way of you and your M.

Got to go - talk to you later tonight.

#828683 06/02/04 06:08 PM
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If we couldn't handle this, God would not preserve the love we feel for our H's and he would not give us the strength to continue this fight. We all have to quit giving into these doubts and fears and anger and whatever it is that is telling you that you can't take another day of this. Those are all things that satan wants us to believe. If we give into those feels, then we let him win. I don't know about you, but I am living my life to glorify God, not the devil. I will fight for my M until I have no fight left, and guess what, as long as I continue to let God control this and draw my strength from that faith, I will always have fight. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Kris,

I too want to glorify God, but as I said earlier sometimes God shows you things to lead you to a decison. I was on my way home this evening & saw H standing around shooting the breeze at a friends house, when he should have been at work????!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> I cannot take anymore of the lies, I knew he was lying to me about his work situation, now I have proof.

I have filed bankruptcy because of his crap w/ OW & baby & almost 2 yrs. later I am still in debt, & he is content to work part time, see his D everyday at daycare while I sit here working everyday, worrying about how the bills will be paid? On top of everything else I should have to deal w/ this - I am done.

I called him up & screamed at him & hung up the phone, I have pulled out my PBL to give to him when he slithers back in here, it is sooooo over. This is not the plan that God has for my life, & it is time for me to find out what it really is & I can't do that stuck in this mess w/ H making a fool out of me.

I wish all you well & will keep you in my prayers but I dont' think I will be around here much anymore, it is all just too much

#828684 06/02/04 06:12 PM
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BBYG~I'm very sorry to hear all that, but only you know when you are done and can not take anymore--maybe when you roll things along towards a D and throw him out he will wake up from fog and if not you are on the road to a better life.

I'm so sorry but like I said you will know when it is time and only you.

((((((HUGS))))))

you are in my thoughts and just because you are done doesn't mean we don't want to hear from you.

#828685 06/02/04 08:56 PM
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BG - So sorry your H is treating you like this again. It all really sucks. None of us deserve this, but yet here we are. I did not mean to imply that you were not living with God in your life if you want to end your M. I know that God loves us and wants what is best for us. It saddens Him to see us suffer like this. I just see so many of us say that we can't deal with this anymore. You know I have said it myself several times. And no we alone cannot deal with this - that's why I said we need to pull our strength from God.

Your H sounds very immature. You have been putting up with his crap for so long - much longer than I - and I respect you tremendously for that. You have encouraged me more times than I can say. There are days when I am down, and I read things that you post to me or others and you really have helped me get back on track.

I just don't want anyone to give up too soon. Maybe I am an idealist, I don't know. But I believe in all of us here that we will survive and perservere in our lives. Hopefully with our M's intact, but if not, we will still be stronger for the experience. You are a strong woman and a wonderful friend. You will know what is best for you and I will always be a supporter of that. Only someone who has been through this can understand - unfortunately we have found ourselves in this sisterhood of sorts. We are here for each other - no matter what!!

God bless you and please don't leave us here. You need us as much as we need you.

#828686 06/02/04 10:10 PM
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Good p.m to everyone and YES GOD IS GOOD ALL THE TIME. But I have one question to ask.... do they really stop cheating? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

#828687 06/03/04 08:57 AM
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(((((BG)))))~

It sounds as if you are coming to some conclusions. I agree with whomever said your H sounds very immature. He needs a big dose of something...I don't know what...reality, maybe?? I wish I could come and smack him upside his head!!! My only suggestion to you would be to do Plan B before going directly to divorce. If however, you decide divorce is what you should do now, then you know as well as I, God has made the provision for D in situations of infidelity. He hates divorce, but He knows you have done your all for your marriage. Please rest easy in this knowledge.

Plan A has it's limits. It's not meant to last forever, in fact I believe there are guidelines as to how long you should remain in it without achieving success. Three months, give or take, something like that? I'd have to check.

Hoping today is a better today for you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

MT~

Who's they? Do you have a situation you'd like to share? Hope you're not here to stir up major trouble.

~ad

<small>[ June 03, 2004, 09:00 AM: Message edited by: autumnday ]</small>

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